My Life on the Prairie

Back again

2010-08-26T21:48:00.002-06:00

It's been a very long time since I've posted anything here. I don't know if anyone will even read this but I've been feeling a little more bloggy lately (nice word huh?)

Life has been really good the last few months. I've had a wonderful summer. I went to New York in July and it was awesome (and HOT)! I also have a boyfriend now :-)
We started dating in April, two weeks after Easter. He is a guy from my church that I've seen off and on but never talked to. We met briefly around Christmas but then didn't talk again until Easter. He really is a great guy. We've spent the summer riding bikes, eating good food, watching movies, and just hanging out. Our first date was pretty much the most wonderful date I've ever been on. We ate Mexican food, went to a museum, walked around a park and along the river, and then finished the day at Old Chicago. It's just been great being with him. He even went to NYC with me :-)

But of course, there's always something that gets me worrying. First, he is 16 years older than me which doesn't come up except for the fact that I still have to go to grad school (or something) in order to get into my career. He's said that he's not sure if that's something he wants to deal with. It hasn't come up lately and we've gotten more serious so I'm not exactly sure where he stands on that issue. The 2nd thing (and most painful) is that he's nervous about my money situation. And I admit, it's bad right now. The last year has thrown me back in a downward spiral of spending and using my credit cards, which at one point I had all paid off. I've been kind of ignoring it, not wanting to face it, but it's come up several times and now I have no choice.

I have told him that I will get some help, because I know the spending is the result of some deeper issues. I just hate that this is something that will bring worry and apprehension to another person. Especially someone I care so much about.

So I may be writing about some of these things here. I'm going to try to be really good and only allow myself to spend a certain amount of money each week. And trust me, it's not a lot each week. I really do want to change...and not just for him, but for me as well. I'm not going to be happy with myself completely if I don't get out of this. I hope I can. (btw, he has been extremely sweet and non-judgmental about all this which is great)

We'll see what happens.

2010-03-02T22:18:00.002-06:00

Oh depression...how I LOATHE thee, let me count the ways....

1) I can't get excited about anything...not even the trip to NYC in July which will put me in NYC twice within a year. Yes very cool but at this point not excited at all.

2) I am not motivated to do anything. Yesterday I actually managed to go fill out a job application. One. That probably only makes about 5 that I have managed to do. After filling out one, I camped out on the couch and watched 4 episodes of Gilmore Girls. And more TV after that. I can't even get up motivation to pay bills online. I have 3 due by Saturday.

3) Getting out of bed is hard and not just because I got a new-to-me pillowtop queen sized mattress recently. I just don't want another day to start.

Geesh. I could be in an antidepressant commercial.

This is so frustrating. I have to find a job but have no motivation to do so..don't even know what I want to look for. I need to figure out what I'm doing in general with my life and just have no idea where to even begin. I can't believe I'm in this position. I mean, I thought things were bleak and hopeless when I first moved out here but at least then I was just out of college and figured I had some time to figure things out. But now...I feel like I don't. I've been out of school for almost 4 years now and I'm no better off than I was then. My life is an absolute mess and there doesn't seem to be any hope to get it figured out anytime soon.

Why did everything have to happen like this? Why do I have to be one of those almost 30 years olds with no direction and no life? Why do I have to be on medicine and have people ask me if I've thought of offing myself? Why do I have to be one of those people who are so completely miserable with their life? Why is this my life? I hate it.

2010-02-19T10:25:00.002-06:00

I am sitting here driving myself a little crazy. I want nothing more than to crawl back into bed and stay for as long as possible. Or I want to go away and never come back to Kansas.

First, I had to find a new job after Christmas. I did...I gave up a lower paying job for one taking care of an elderly couple that ended up not needing much help except to cook them dinner. I hate it. So I dropped down to 3 days a week there and took care of an elderly man in the mornings.

Then the elderly man got taken to a care home so I have to once again look for a job. Except I don't know what to try to do. Being a CNA doesn't pay me enough to live on especially having to pay student loans.

The worst thing is that I didn't get into the PA program. Again. And now I don't know what to do. I don't know if I want to try again. Even if I do, I need to figure out what to do until then. I am SO frustrated. That's an understatement...I am downright angry and depressed. I have no idea what I want to do now. I want to leave Wichita but the only place I want to go is, of course, New York. I can't decide if I want to try going to graduate school to get my Master's degree in Biology or do some other further medical training then try again for PA school. Or do something completely different. Completely. I always thought it would be cool to go to cosmetology school and there's a good one here. Or maybe I could try going back to get a degree in theater. Let's think of things I'm most interested in...that would be music, theater, movies, fashion, and beauty. Could I really do something related to that? Would I be able to be good enough to go do it in NYC?

See I'm driving myself nuts. I have no idea what to do. And now I have to go get ready to go "work" and be miserable for 8 hours.

I have to figure something out. And soon...

2010-01-03T16:26:00.002-06:00

Well life has changed again. The last two weeks have been a bit of blur for me. I found out the day after Christmas (when still in IL) that the woman I have taken care of since April wasn't doing so well. . .dying, actually. I was shocked. I knew that with her condition (ALS) she could go fast but I didn't expect it to happen so soon. I thought she had a few more months left. She passed away last Monday morning. All her family was there; her daughter held her hand. I got back from IL and went straight to the house.
The last week, I have gone in to help the family clean and pack up stuff and attend the funeral. They were really nice to me...they let me go to the family only open-casket viewing and ride with them in the cars to the funeral and cemetery. It's still so weird that this has all happened now. And I'm sad I wasn't there.

Of course, now this means that I have no job. I hate the idea of working in a nursing home again; I have considered applying at hospice. I know it would be hard, but I feel like I'd like taking care of people in their last days. I feel like I need to do something in the medical field but nothing I could do pays enough so I may also end up waiting tables or something. Hopefully I'll only have to do that for about 5 months and then I'll start school. I've pretty much decided that if I don't get into the PA program then I'll just apply to the Biology master's program. I can't take another year of waiting. I am trying not to worry too much though. God's provision has always come through when it comes to jobs and I hope that will be the case again.

Sunday Coma Sunday

2009-10-25T21:14:00.002-06:00

I feel like I've been in a coma today. I've been dead to the world. I barely woke up in time to go to church. . .made it through the 4th and 5th grade Sunday school craziness and then made it through the service. The music has become really lacking lately but we did sing a song I am quite fond of.
Then I'm sitting in church listening to the sermon about how God is self-sacrificing and I'm thinking "do I believe this anymore?" and "why does this seem to have no bearing on how I'm living my life right now?"
I came home, ate a bit of lunch, and fell asleep for 2 1/2 hours. Then I ate again and laid in bed and watched TV shows on my computer. I've been doing that all evening and right up until about 10 minutes ago. Except for when I had to run to walgreens to get a soda, chips, and candy. That's all gone plus the popcorn I ate before that and some cereal I just finished.
On my way to Walgreens to get the food that I used as something slightly numbing (unfortunately I am out of alcohol or that may have been used), I asked myself what my problem was. And I answered, "I don't believe You (God) actually care about me." Then I asked myself why I thought that, especially since it's something I was raised believing (mostly) and had really started to believe in the last few years. Again I answered myself, "I don't believe it because if You did care about me, I wouldn't be how I am. I wouldn't be all alone, miserable in freakin Wichita, KS, I wouldn't have grown up the way I did, I wouldn't still be holding on to what I am holding onto. If you cared about me, I wouldn't be the way that I am."

I don't know what to do with that really. I do know that I am sick of my life the way it is. As usual I don't know what to do about it though. There doesn't seem to be much to do. Like I was three years ago, I am stuck here. Stuck. Physically, emotionally, stuck in every way. And still have no idea how to get out. This is getting fucking old.

Dreams

2009-10-11T18:33:00.004-06:00

I'm not sure why I choose to torture myself sometimes.

Today I went to see the movie Fame...it was pretty cool actually. Really awesome dance scenes and camera work. I didn't like how most of the songs didn't seem to actually be sung by the actors though.

But at the end when the song is all about holding onto dreams . . . I wonder, really? And realize that I'm in this world where we always talk about living your dreams when it seems that. . .most dreams just don't come true.

I am pursuing a career as a physician's assistant...hopefully I will get into a program this time and in two years I can find a job at a doctor's office, clinic, or hospital. It's not a bad career and I actually do what to do it. But when I think about why I want to one of the reasons that pops up in my head is "because I can't do what I always wanted to do."

I had a pretty honest conversation with my brother when I went to IL for my family reunion. He told me he was jealous that I got a car when he still has his much less expensive one that he had to buy. I told him that I absolutely hated that I couldn't buy my own car and that I had my own set of jealousy about things with him. Right after moving his junior year of high school, he got to be in Grease. Then another year he was in another musical. And then this past spring he did something that made me want to throw a temper tantrum (complete with beating my fists on the floor, screaming "IT'S NOT FAIR!")...he was in Guys and Dolls. The first musical I ever saw at the age of 6. At the age of 6, I thought "I want to do that."

I never got to. I went to a high school with no music department, no theatre department. The next town over did...and they did a production of Guys and Dolls. My sister has been in it twice. Ok sure her college production of it wasn't very good but still.

I was in a silly play in high school that performed once for the grade school kids...and I did do a play in college and Fiddler on the Roof at church. And usually doing those things made me observe the people around me and think "they're so good and I'm not..I could never do this all the time."

I was never pushed, I never thought to push myself. I was shy and unsure of myself and scared. I was aware at a young age that although I could sing, I didn't have the natural musical talent I observed in other people. I could never learn to read music. And I rarely sing anymore except to music in the car. In fact, that's not very good anymore because I can feel my vocal muscles straining and it's like they're saying "No, stop, we're out of shape, don't use us!" Even if I did try to sing more, I sometimes still dream of it being more . . .

Maybe I just feel this way because even being a PA is a far off dream. I don't get to do what I would love to do and I don't get to do what I have decided to do so I feel like a failure right now.

I do get to have a dream come true though...thanks to a PA program interview, I get to go to New York City for the first time ever. I am SO excited, you have no idea. Not all dreams are impossible.

Eat Pray Love

2009-09-13T20:32:00.002-06:00

I am reading the book Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and so far, I love it. It is giving me so much to think about. Although she is more of a Buddhist than anything else, I am amazed at how much I am relating to it through my Christian, believing in Jesus worldview.

I am reading now about her time in India at an Ashram studying under a Guru. And it makes me wonder, "why have Christians been so afraid and downright critical of Eastern religious practices?" I mean, I remember hearing about how people thought yoga was so horrible and evil. But really, the collective meaning of Yoga (not just the physical exercise part) is basically what Christians consider spiritual discipline. And although a guru is a enlightened human, I read this and thought, hmmm. . .seems similar to how people described Jesus: Rabbi, Messiah (Anointed One): "The word Guru is composed of two Sanskrit syllables. The first means "darkness," and the second means, "light." Out of the darkness and into the light.... (seriously, just talked to 10 and 11 years old about Jesus as the light) and, "You come to your Guru, then, not only to receive lessons, as from any teacher, but to actually receive the Guru's state of GRACE." Yes, a lot of this is related to being enlightened to the divine self but what if I (believing in Jesus) think about how I am created in the image of God and God can be seen in me? Why is that something that Christians have such a difficult time grasping?
At one point in the book she talks about how after learning about a family that two people were stricken with cancer she said "that family needs some grace." And her sister said, "that family needs some casseroles," and proceeded to organize food to be made and taken to them each day. The author says that she doesn't think her sister realizes that was grace. And I'm thinking that the author doesn't realize that that is Jesus. She grew up in New England which I understand to have been so steeped in Puritanical religion, it just kinda said "to hell with it," and doesn't want too much to with God, so I can kinda understand her hesitation about Judeo-Christian God and Jesus (hell, I've had that too).

I love when things not bearing a "Christian" label are a part of my spiritual journey. And it makes me think more about the question, "is the American version of Christianity the only way to Jesus?"

2009-09-01T20:59:00.002-06:00

On Facebook, I am constantly seeing status updates about new jobs, relationships, engagements, marriages, babies, and houses. Examples of people moving forward with their lives. Most of these things are happening to my friends and while I am, of course, happy for them, it is also hard to swallow at times.
I am here, still in Kansas and not feeling like my life has moved at all. I guess in small ways I am moving forward, like applying to PA school but so much is still up in the air. I am caring for a woman that may live for a few more years or be gone in two months. I could get an interview for a PA program only to be rejected again and have to decide what to do next. I am living with a girl that although the chance of her announcing her engagement even in the next year doesn't seem likely, there is that possibility which means moving. Everything about my life is up in the air, is temporary, and nothing seems the least bit stable.
Now in all this instability, one would maybe point out that I need to trust God and that he is the only thing constant in this crazy life. Yes, I know in my head that is probably true and one day maybe I'll look back and see the ways that God provided for me and was shaping me. But I admit, it's becoming more and more difficult to actually believe it. I only see a history of disappointments, failures, and a life that has made me feel alone and grasping for something that I am not even sure what it is most of the time. And times when it seemed things were changing and going to be different only to fall apart again.

I really hope that things turn around sometime soon. . .for real.

2009-08-05T20:50:00.002-06:00

Every once in awhile I get the urge to watch Mamma Mia. Tonight I got the urge.

I've never seen the stage production and I'm sure if I had, the movie wouldn't be as good to me but I love the music. My favorite part is when they sing Dancing Queen. I just love how all the women who are working drop what they're doing and start dancing. It's just. . .beautiful to me. It reminds me that sometimes you just have to stop and dance. It's so freeing. I always (and I do mean ALWAYS) have to sing and dance along. I sometimes have to do it twice!

I also love when all the hot, buff guys come out of the water and are dancing in flippers ;-)

2009-07-12T19:05:00.002-06:00

Surprise, surprise I'm having a hard time lately.

I am so sick of my life right now. I am bored half the time. When I get the chance to do something I enjoy, it seems to get shot down. Like last week when I worked in the garden, we ended up having a major thunder/hail storm which didn't ruin everything in the garden but ruined enough. I was just so upset. I know it shouldn't matter so much but it made me want to scream.

I met a guy a few weeks ago. A chubby, unattractive short Jewish guy (ok he's my height but to me that's short). He's nice but I'm not interested in him at all and not even really interested in trying to be friends with him.

Again as usual, nothing bad has happened. Sure the last year was crazy busy and I've had to recover from that. Really the whole getting used by the stupid ex-convict (who is now back together and living with his old girlfriend that he was sure he'd never get back together with) was the straw that broke my back this year. There seems to be something about being able to handle a bad part of your life if there is something else good to help balance it out. Right now there is no balance. While work is fine and part of me feels like that I was really meant to be available to help this lady out, I still have to work every other weekend at the nursing home and I still hate it even though I'm not there often. Feeling lonely is more common. I don't have many friends I can just call up and hang out with. I don't have any around here to do things I wish I could do. I still want to find someone to play tennis with. I hate staying in night after night. I hate knowing that I actually have all this free time and I'm not doing anything with it!! God-willing in a year I'll be back in school and won't have the time to do things.

There are people that are passionate about things. Whether it's their career or a cause, people have things they are passionate about. Passionate enough to take action. What am I doing? I'm not really all that passionate about anything. I don't necessarily feel like I'm working towards anything. I'm just waiting. I'm stuck between the life I have and the life I want.

The only thing that has made me happy recently besides seeing Rent is buying Stuart Weitzman shoes for $70 (original price $270) and a gorgeous Diane von Furstenberg skirt that was onsale and I'd be eyeing for months. I also had fun in Williams-Sonoma the other day.

I am just so unhappy and I have no idea what to do to change it. It's a horrible feeling.

Of course, there is always this crazy God factor in my life. I'm feeling more and more indifferent to it all. Is God really out for my good? How much control does He really have? Why does it seem so hard for me to actually have faith? Why has it been so up and down? It's just so annoying really. It is annoying that as soon as I seem to feel more comfortable with my life, who I am, and my relationship with God, of course, something happens. I'm tired of the fact that even when things aren't going well, I still don't have a "God is in control" attitude. I'm still just so angry sometimes that my life is not what I wish it was. I always had all these damned hopes and dreams (yes probably too many and too big hopes and dreams) and no way to reach them and make it happen. I HATE that. Faith doesn't bring much comfort or hope.

Yes I'll still apply to PA school and still hope and dream of the day I can get the hell out of Wichita. I'll keep hoping I can get to travel someday and maybe even keep hoping I'll have someone to travel with.

I am just ready to not hate my life.

2009-06-10T18:25:00.002-06:00

Work is going well. I am really enjoying it. Sometimes I feel like a slight step above a housekeeper. . .but it's pretty much great ;-)

I went to St. Louis this past weekend. . .it was SOOOO awesome!!!! Kristi and I saw Rent at the fabulous Fox Theatre. We also went shopping (we even got our makeup done at Neiman Marcus), stayed at a new hip trendy hotel (the Moonrise), and ate at Giovanni's - my meal was great. . Kristi had some issues with hers...it was good going down but not so good. . .well you know ;-)

RENT was absolutely amazing. Anthony Rapp and Adam Pascal, the original Mark and Roger, were in it! I had been looking forward to it for over a year. I am so happy I got to see it! It was hard not singing along to all the songs. :-)

Another cool thing: I have made my first purchase from Tiffany's. That's right, the jewelry store. It is a simple, pretty silver butterfly necklace. I love it. I hope there are more little blue boxes in my future.

I also got to go to the zoo for a little bit. I hadn't been to the St. Louis Zoo in so long.

It was such a wonderful, amazing, relaxing weekend. It felt so good to be in an actual city, going to a show, eating at a super nice restaurant, and shopping. We had so much fun!!!

And now back to real, everyday life. . .which is. . .well. . .life. I have to admit, it's been better. But oh well. I'm trying to figure out ways to make it better. I've been trying to exercise but somehow can't quite keep from eating too much. I'd love to be able to lose about 20 pounds, but we'll see. I also need to get my room cleaned up and organized, so I can get a new bed. I slept in two queen-sized beds this weekend and can't stop thinking of how nice it was to just stretch out and have lots of room.

I feel so stuck sometimes. Stuck in between a life that I want to have and the life I have right now. I feel like there are so many things I want to do. . .even simple things around town and around the house but instead I usually end up sitting on the couch watching TV. Like now. Oh well. Hopefully one of these days, some motivation will kick in.

2009-05-06T09:32:00.002-06:00

This week I haven't had to work. My employer's daughter is in town all week so I'm just going in on Friday (luckily she's still paying me). It's given me a lot of time. Time I really need to spend doing some studying. I have a test on Friday and two finals next week. If I can get focused and study, I can still get good grades in the classes.

I bought new tennis shoes this week. I keep putting them on to see if they provide some exercise motivation. It's actually worked a little! Last night, I did some dancing.

My car got fixed. I'm honestly beginning to think I should've looked for something here myself. My dad just picked out this one and honestly it's not that great. . .there's a bunch of little things wrong with it. The knob that controls that two side mirrors is broken and I can't roll down the driver's side window. The brakes already had to be replaced. Whoever owned this before definitely did not take care of it. It only has 34,000 miles on it. Honestly I think my dad got ripped off on the price. Oh well.

Ok so I'm watching Live with Regis and Kelly (I know, I'm pathetic) and they're in Miami Beach. Kelly just did a segment from Seaquarium and it looks AWESOME! I've got to go! And there was another place with Jungle in the name where you can pet the animals!

One thing I did yesterday was plant my garden! It made me very excited. I planted tomatoes, broccoli, carrots, jalepeno peppers, and cucumbers. I still have to plant the green beans, okra, and corn but have to get the rest of the garden cleaned out and let the soil warm up a bit. It's still been a bit chilly here. I love gardening. More specifically, vegetable gardening. I'm so excited to have fresh veggies.
I've been thinking a lot about just needing to find something to be happy about. This constant let-down feeling is just eating away at me. One thing I know I need to be doing is reading my Bible and some other books to start reminding me that God does love me, He is graceful and merciful, and is out for my good. I know the reason it's so hard for me to believe that is I haven't kept that idea in front of me through all this. I'm still burned out, disappointed about many things, and down-right tired. If I don't have to get up in the morning, I can easily sleep about 10 hours.

The sun is actually out today. I need to mow and finish the garden but I think I need to do some studying first. I keep thinking of Colorado (or anywhere else with mountains). I'd love to go hiking right now. I miss it.

2009-05-04T09:53:00.002-06:00

Every once in awhile, something happens to make me feel like I am no better than I was a few years ago.
I'm not happy. I am upset about what my life is right now, in general. Every once in awhile there are some things that aren't bad but I just hate the feeling of being so unhappy.
I went to class this morning and then came back home and got upset about something. Not just upset, down right angry.

My parents brought me my car this weekend...and I can't even drive it. Something is wrong with the brakes. It was fine right up until they unloaded it. The very first time I drove it, it started making a weird noise when I would hit the brakes. My parents drove it the night before they left and it was fine! I finally get it and I can't even drive it. It's SO frustrating. And it's just another one of those things that make me feel like nothing ever just works out ok for me. I know it's not true but it's just so hard not to think that sometimes.

I'm frustrated with myself that I haven't been able to actually go to my stats class and focus on my classes. I have two more weeks left...I'm actually not working this week (luckily still getting paid) so I'll have a lot of time to study if I can just actually do it.

I've been wanting to eat better and exercise and haven't been able to do that either. I think today, though, I'm going to go get some new tennis shoes so maybe I can at least start walking or something. I feel like crap! I'm so tired of feeling fat. Yes, I know really I'm not, but I am not going to be as active since I won't be at the nursing home as much so I've got to do something...I've managed to lose 20 pounds in the time I've lived in Kansas. 20 or 25 more and I'll be good! But again the motivation to actually do it is hard to come by lately.

Two people from my church have been dating for 4 months and are engaged. They're getting married in August. Enough said. I keep telling myself that I just haven't found anyone good enough for me yet ;-) Oh and plus I'm probably really not ready to get married right now anyway and won't be for awhile. And (this I do believe) it's someone with the initials MC own loss for not talking to me anymore. Still frustrating though.

Another problem right now? I'm kinda indifferent to God right now. What's funny about that is I'm still teaching a Sunday school class. So indifferent right now, I can't even think of anything to say about it.

I hope things get better sometime soon.

2009-04-29T19:34:00.003-06:00

This is actually from today:

My parents are coming tomorrow and I really need to clean the bathroom and finish cleaning my room. I have absolutely no motivation. I also have homework that I have no motivation for either. So here I am instead.

I started a new job this week. I'm only working at the nursing home every other weekend. Now I am helping a woman who has ALS. So far it's going really well. There are a lot of things she can still do for herself but still quite a few things she needs help with. I'm enjoying it.

Well I started this thinking I had something to say but nothing is coming...oh the reason my parents are coming is to bring me my new car! That's exciting! It's a 2004 Pontiac Grand Am.

In fact here's a picture, if you haven't already seen it on facebook:

Not crazy excited about the color but it's really not too bad. I'm excited to actually have a working CD player/radio and AC! Woohoo!

Ok going to actually try to get something done before I go to bed.

Saved draft number 3

2009-04-11T22:02:00.002-06:00

and here's 3: (actually that's the last one. . .I miscounted)

Over the last several years, the whole Lent and Easter thing has seemed to come and go without me paying much attention. I think of something to give up or take up for Lent but then it doesn't happen. I feel like Easter should be something special

Saved draft number 2

2009-04-04T21:18:00.003-06:00

Here's the 2nd one:

I can go to Kansas City, shop all day by myself, eat dinner at a restaurant by myself, then go to a movie yesterday by myself and feel totally and completely content.
But then I'm alone the past two nights at home and I can hardly stand how lonely I am. I tried reading but it was so silent so I had to watch two movies just to pass the time. I hate that feeling. I hate that when it comes right down to it, I am lonely.

I went with a friend downtown Friday evening for a music crawl except we only ended up hearing 2 bands for about 10 minutes each. The music wasn't her style and it was too loud. I couldn't help but wish I had someone, male or female, who I'd be able to sit in a bar with and just listen to a band. My roommate would but she was with her boyfriend. And the most recent "idiot" would too, except, well you know.

I have a test on Wednesday that I really should've studied for but I have absolutely no motivation. I don't have much motivation for anything really. There is a lot I have thought about doing and need to do. . .but none of it is getting done.

I keep thinking about my life, especially thinking about the things I wish I could do, things I always dreamed of. . .and how really none of it is happening. And being alone just gives me more time to think of it. Did you know that when I was younger, in addition to singing quite well, I would always start writing a book? I started many stories. . .most of them were pretty much identical to what I read in the Laura Ingalls books but I always tried to come up with something new. Once I even tried writing a story about a family in the Civil War. . .one in which the mother has died, leaving 3 kids to fend for themselves while their father is fighting. Eventually they hear that the father is wounded in a hospital so the youngest daughter goes to find him. Her older sister keeps bringing money home though no one knows how, although the older brother has his suspicions that it's not earned in the most respectable manner. I also used to write poems.

Saved draft number 1

2009-03-26T11:13:00.002-06:00

Number 1 of 4 posts that I've wrote in the last month but never posted:

The transmission went out in my truck. It would cost more to fix it than the truck is worth.

So at the age of 28, my dad is going to find me a car and buy it for me because I in no way can afford to buy one myself at this point. I feel horrible about it. The only maybe good thing is eventually I will be able to pay for it or at least pay them back and once I can afford my own car, I can give it back to my parents.

I have been sitting here all morning doing nothing. I'm totally bored but completely unmotivated to do anything. I guess I shouldn't be too hard on myself; I've been so busy the last 6 months. But I can't keep not doing anything. I wait until the last minute to get ready for work. I dread each day I have to go.

2009-03-22T13:04:00.003-06:00

I enjoyed a nice pleasant day in Kansas City on Saturday. I went to a mall in Overland Park that has a Nordstrom and Sephora. Then I headed to Country Club Plaza; this outdoor mall area on the Missouri side. I loved it! There are tons of shops and restaurants; all of my favorites that I never get to go to. I finished the day at the Cheesecake Factory...had a yummy meal and even yummier cheesecake! (yes, I ate all by myself and it was great! how's that for being comfortable being single?)

Then around 10:30 pm, 40 miles or so from Wichita. . .something happened to my truck. There was some kind of crack, snap, or pop (I was going to try to insert something clever here about Rice Krispies but nothing is coming to me) and I ended up on the side of the road. What's funny is the truck will start but it won't move. I can't put it into any gear and get it to go. I got it towed and now waiting for the repair shop to call and let me know what's wrong.

I tried not thinking it but the first thought in my head when it happened was that I was being punished for going to KC. I had questioned all week about whether or not I should go given my new job situation but I just knew I needed to get out of Wichita! And there's not really any other place to go.

I already feel weird sitting here at home at 11 am not really doing anything. Oh well.

My life is on hold. That's the way it feels. I still can't have the kind of life I want. I am trying to figure out ways to still have a life even though I'm going to be broke and have no idea what is going to happen. I figure I can take advantage of WSU's fitness center now...I can try to finally get in shape. I could also try to finally learn to play the piano. And soon I'll be able to start gardening. I am thinking about somehow getting a new mattress. Every time I climb into my single bed I feel very un-grown-up. I need something that makes me feel adult and together. And I'm thinking that I want to go to a flea market or antique store to find an awesome headboard.

Somehow, I'll figure out what I'm going to do. Now that my truck is really definitely becoming unreliable I am somehow going to have to get a new car. Somehow I want to feel adult and at least a little together. Somehow.

2009-03-19T15:47:00.002-06:00

For the last 3 days I have done basically nothing. Tuesday I got my haircut and went out to a bar for St. Patty's day. I had my first Irish Car Bomb. It was actually pretty good. My roommate and I ended up talking to a couple of guys for a little while. It was fun.

Then yesterday I read and watched movies all day long. It was great. Except I feel like I managed to eat a ton of food. . . . oh well.

Today I have watched TV and cleaned the kitchen. And made sushi! Or maki-sushi to be more precise. It was definitely good. Now I'm ready for a margarita or something.

Tomorrow I think I'm going to work in the garden and get it cleaned up so it'll be ready for planting when it's time. I am so excited to have a garden again. I am going to plant green beans, tomatoes, corn, and maybe some broccoli and lettuce. And some herbs.

I like that I'm relaxing. Except so much free time is making me think a lot. And right now there's only one person I can think about. I haven't talked to him in a month. He hasn't responded to the e-mails I've sent (3 total) and he hasn't tried calling. I haven't even tried calling him in at least 2 weeks. After one week, I basically quit trying. I do know at least that he's alive out there somewhere as I received a stupid e-mail forward last week (one of those forward this to as many people and you'll get $$ for it). I'm just. . .annoyed really. And frustrated that my fear was realized: the only reason it all happened was because he needed to face his past in AZ and finding a "good girl" helped him realize it.
I am so tired of being alone..although I know that I'll make it and I'll be fine and even if I did have a relationship, there would be times I'd just want my space, really when it comes down to it I am tired of being alone. And here was a guy that was kind, real and didn't make me feel like I was screwed up. . .he was someone that we could've gone out and had a great time every once in awhile but also be just as willing to stay in, cook a great dinner, and watch a movie. And oh so ruggedly manly...hmm...ok done now ;-)

One good thing is I know for a fact it's not me. . .for once, I know for a fact that him not talking to me means it's his loss. It is his loss. He was always so amazed that I was so nice to him. He wasn't used to women, or anyone for that matter, being nice to him and here I was doing what just came naturally to me. Except now he's on the list of guys who my niceness will not come as naturally anymore. I don't trust him anymore like I did.

I didn't start off trusting Jason and that messed it all up. I did start off trusting M and look what happened. Either way, it doesn't seem to work out. Oh well. I'll keep watching movies and TV to escape reality. I may also need a margarita.

2009-03-15T10:23:00.002-06:00

Well whether I wanted it to be this way or not, I am forced into taking a break. I am forced into having more time on my hands.
I lost my job at the conference office. Although I know it's probably a blessing because I'm just so exhausted but at the same time it's a slap in the face. I was so fucking upset. They were still convinced I wasn't doing a good job and I KNOW I was. I hadn't been doing a good job last fall but after Christmas I made it a point to make sure I was on top of everything. I was definitely doing a good job! But apparently they were getting "complaints" about me. I was just so. . .shocked. I mean, every once in awhile there might be a difficult person that I had to talk to but I did my best to handle it well. And there were so many people I'd talk to on a daily basis that would tell me they appreciated it and I was helpful and courteous, etc.

Obviously this will give me more time to relax and doing simple everyday things like clean and cook (I'll have to since I won't be able to afford to go out to eat anymore). I think what makes me the most upset is that I know I had been doing a much better job but they refused to see that. They never asked me, they never came to the resource center to see what was going on. They never led me to believe there were any problems. It's just all bullshit.

Financially I think I'll be ok. I hate that I'll be back on a strict budget, back to not even being able to get a haircut or go out to dinner and a movie with some friends. I have no room to do something like. . .oh go to Kansas City like I had planned on during my spring break this week. I may still go but. . .it'll just be depressing because I won't be able to buy anything. Oh well.

So now I'm back to this place where I feel like a complete failure, a complete nothing, and like my life will never be any different. I am 28 years old and I have no career, no family. . .I'm completely alone and the only hope of my career I have is at least another 3 years away. I live in a place I pretty much hate. I have nothing. I live in a house owned by a 24-year-old. I am driving (and will still be driving) a 15-year-old truck that I've had for 8 years with 172,000 miles on it. I found out recently that my brother is in a production of Guys-N-Dolls...yup that would be the musical that I have dreamed of being in since I was in 1st grade. Yes, 1st grade. I remember specifically seeing it at Jerseyville High School and thinking "I want to do this." But I never got the chance.

My mom offered to come and see me for a few days. I am thinking of taking her up on it but I don't think I can take too much of her "just really trust God and be open to what he has for you." Honestly, I can't take it. I'm not sure if I believe that too much. I feel like that no matter how open I am (or feel like I am) to God, nothing ever works out. Nothing ever changes. I feel like that if I become the least bit happy or hopeful, then everything falls apart. Is that how it's going to be always? According to the "MyType" application on Facebook (based on Meyer's Briggs) I am an INFP, an idealist. Is this how being an INFP is? Is that just something I have to accept and work around or is this something that I can change? Is anything ever going to be good enough? Will I at some point get married and then be unhappy and ruin it? Will I finally get a career and be unhappy with that too, wondering if there was something else I was supposed to do? Will I ever live somewhere that I like?

I am so tired of feeling like this. So tired. I want something that makes my life feel just a little like worth living. Everytime something that like comes along, it goes away. Pretty quickly too. And then here I am writing about it on a freakin blog. I am sitting around waiting until the last moment to get ready to go to work, watching TV and feeling sorry for myself. I hate it. But I have no idea what to do about it. It sucks being SO unhappy about everything in my life. More than just unhappy. . .I don't even know what word to use.

I feel like screaming. And throwing something.

2009-03-07T21:02:00.002-06:00

I am feeling very French this evening....

Last night, I dreamed I was in France. Tonight I watched Ratatouille (yes the children's movie) and then all I could think about was wine and cheese. So I went and purchased a bottle of pinot noir, Camembert cheese, and a loaf of French bread. It's very yummy. Although, I am sure that French women don't down half of the cheese in one sitting. ;-) Oh well.

I really hope I can go to France someday. I think I really should start wearing scarves. I won't start smoking though. . .although if I ever go to France, I will totally get some French cigarettes!

What can I say? I'm a dreamer.

2009-03-06T11:41:00.003-06:00

So after talking to someone almost everyday for about 2 weeks, I haven't heard from him since last Monday. He got a cell phone and I tried calling each night after getting off work last week and he never answered. Then I sent an e-mail (knowing he has his computer and internet access because he sent me an e-mail) and still nothing. At all. No e-mail, no call.

I'm a little irritated. I mean, I could understand not talking for a few days but now it's almost been 2 weeks. I got tired of trying to call and never getting an answer. So I stopped trying. I figure if he wants to talk to me, he knows my number. And if he doesn't want to talk to me then I'll just put him in the same category of idiots that have also just stopped talking to me over the years. Unfortunately this is the only one that has ended up costing me $300. I could have bought a Coach purse with that!

The rejected girl part of me is just sad and irritated. The part of me, however, that truly cares for him and hopes he's doing ok, is just a little worried about him. I want to know he's ok...but at this point I'm a little nervous to call the house he's been living at. The whole reason he got the cell phone was so he didn't tie up the landline so I don't know if it's ok to call there. And since he hasn't tried calling me, I don't even know if I should unless I just talk to the owner of the house and ask if he's ok and still there and say that's all I wanted to know. Oh well. Maybe I'll give it some more time.

But really what was I expecting? You'd think I'd know better after all this time. Sometime I wonder if I need to just learn to care less. I mean, any chance for a relationship with him went right out the door when he went back to AZ. Oh well.

2009-03-02T15:40:00.003-06:00

It's sometimes very difficult when things seem to be so up in the air when it comes to just about everything in life right now.

One of the questions I was asked in my PA interview was where I saw myself in 10 years. I was totally caught off guard. I had no idea what to say. I bumbled through some answer that I can't even remember. Part of me feels like I can't say where I see myself 10 years down the road because EVERYTHING is so open. I was thinking of it today. There are so many "ifs." Like, if I'm done with school, if I'm still single, if I'm married, if I have kids...if, if, if. But let's think "if" I just could plan out what I hoped my life would be in 10 years...(it hasn't worked yet, I still don't feel like I can plan out anything).

In 10 years:

1) I will be finished with grad school and working as a PA (that's within 5 years)
2) My student loans will be paid off
3) I will own a house and a good car
4) I will live somewhere that I am able to see mountains on a regular basis
5) I will be married and have at least 1 child

If the last one doesn't happen, then I'll just add "I will have a 2nd home somewhere." Oh yeah, I would also like to pay my parents back for all the loans they took out for me to go to school.

We'll see....right now I can't even figure out how to get out of Kansas. I can't really right now. If I can get into WSU's PA program next year, it would be dumb of me not to go....the whole program costs less than one year of most other programs. I will still go ahead and apply to other programs...mostly on the East & West coasts. But money-wise it's going to be wise to stay where I am. Then I'll look all over for a job.

Can I really plan out anything? Probably not completely. I guess I can at least hope for those things in the next 10 years.

2009-02-24T12:26:00.002-06:00

My mouth hurts, my head hurts, and my shoulders hurt...

I had a tooth removed last Thursday and my mouth is swollen and sore. I've been living on ibuprofen. I really REALLY should have had the doc give me the painkiller he said he could give me. Oh well. Anyway that is what is making my head hurt. And stress and tiredness is making my shoulders hurt. Oh well. Hopefully my mouth will feel better soon.

I just realized that tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. People are talking about what they are giving up and I am not even joking, I'd give anything to be able to give up about 10 hours of work-time at this point. Ok, not really a possibility, I know. The last few years I've been hearing about people adding something for Lent, actually. Something that is challenging for them to do, something that will be enriching and hopefully a way to grow over the next 6 weeks.

I've been wanting to make myself take more time for me lately. I NEED to. I need to do something that is feeding my mine and soul. It's interesting when working in a place that you are caring for people. . .you end up in a place where for just a little while you have to think about only yourself and can't feel like you're being selfish. I do take some time every once in awhile but it's not always necessarily "good" for me. I need something besides watching some TV or a movie, or going out to dinner.

I was thinking I would like to find a good book to read and just commit to reading it everyday. Or do something that would definitely be challenging: read my Bible. Eek! I haven't read it on a regular basis in a very long time. Or I was thinking about making myself write each day. I haven't journaled in quite awhile either. I'll have to think about it. Quite honestly, like everything else my spiritual life has been in the dumps lately; it would probably be good for me to just take more time out to focus on it more.

We'll see. Maybe this Lenten season won't just be like another 6 weeks.

2009-02-20T11:16:00.004-06:00

Not getting into the PA program has gotten me on a major "thinking about life" kick. I can't decide if that's a good or bad thing. I feel like in some way I'll always be thinking about my life, of course. I'll always be trying to figure it out.

Truth is right now, I am not very satisfied with any part of my life. I'm fairly satisified with the hope that my life will not always be the way it is, but in general, I am just. . .not.

I have thought about the things that are the most important to me and things that I want someday. Or wish I had now. Relationships are important to me. Friends, family, etc. Well, my family is far away and quite honestly, I'm ok with that. After visiting last Christmas, I realized that I am totally ok with being 8 or 9 hours away. I miss seeing them for little things, like birthdays and random family get togethers, but as a whole I'm fine with being far away.
Then there are friends. I have friends here but I am so busy that I am not able to see them very often. Every once in awhile my roommate and I have late night girl talk which is good. All my other close friends live far away so talking to them is reserved for phone calls every once in awhile or catching each other online. Or commenting on Facebook status updates ;-) So while the friendships part of my life isn't ideal it isn't bad. I know what it was like having no one to hang out with here so I like that I do have people I can call up if I have time and go out to a movie or something.
Then, of course, there is the twinge of disappointment I feel every once in awhile when I wish I had someone sleeping next to me or someone to cuddle with while watching a movie. Or when I wish I wasn't feeling like I'm going through all this life stuff completely alone or wish I had someone besides myself to think of all the time. What's weird is that I am also trying to figure out how to have a friendship with a guy that I'd be dating if he were still here. Right now I figure that maybe I was just put into his life because he was going to need someone that was good to him and encouraging while he was going through all this stuff. We'll be friends for awhile then because of distance and our different lives, we'll just be like. . .facebook friends or something. That is, if he gets back on facebook, which I doubt. Anyway. It basically stinks knowing there is someone that thinks you are absolutely wonderful but is 1000+ miles away. Oh and has so much crap going on that really a relationship would be impossible anyway.

Past the relationships, there's the job/career/life passion thing. I am not satisfied with my jobs. I am not where I thought I'd be at 28 when it comes to my career. I mean, I still don't have one and it's frustrating. I figured I'd at least have a career if not a relationship or vice versa. And now it looks like I'm on the "I'm focused on my career right now" track. I pretty much figure the relationship thing won't happen until after I'm completely done with school and settled into a career, if it happens at all. Is that horrible? No. Is it how I want it? No. I already feel like I'm pursuing my 2nd choice career, which is fine, I am excited about someday being a PA. I hate that I have to wait even longer and have no idea how I'm going to continue to work 60 hours a week.

I know all this probably just sounds like small, stupid, shallow complaints, but I really do wonder how long I can go on being so unhappy with everything in my life. Do I really just have to live with it? Do I just continue to be patient and wait for the day when things aren't so bad? Can I will myself to be happy? Is it just all about positive thinking? Or do is there some kind of action involved? Then I also think about how really...I have NOTHING to complain about. I have nothing to worry about. I have nothing to really actually be unhappy about. Because even though it's not all I want right now. . .it's not bad. I know this.

Then there's the God aspect of all this. Even with being unsatisfied. . .I am still holding on to the idea that somehow God is working. I'm still praying that God will lead me to where he wants me. That he will continue making me into the person he wants me to be. I still trust that His hand is in my life. So does that mean I do just have to be patient and just wait? What do I do in the meantime really?

Who knows. I do know that even with this time of being unhappy, there are still good things. I will make it. I will do what I need to do to get what I want. And someday I will learn to hold on tight to the hope, wonder, and beauty that I know is all around me even when things aren't going well. I hope so, at least.

Rejection

2009-02-05T09:37:00.005-06:00

Well, I got my rejection letter for the physician's assistant program. I was not surprised...still disappointed but not surprised. I knew after the interview that I didn't do well. I knew it.

So now I get to go through another year and a half of working 60 hours a week at two jobs that I don't like. I don't know if I can really do that. I may try to take a med aide class in the summer; I really don't think I can handle being a CNA any longer than I have to.

It looks like M will probably get out soon. His father got him an excellent lawyer and a few people here wrote letters to the judge about him. I've heard from him several times. He's doing fairly well.

I have to admit...the only thing I can think of is Arizona. And really hoping he gets out. That way we'll actually be able to talk to each other. There is a PA program at a school near Phoenix. I've already looked at it. How crazy am I? I mean. . .you'd think I would have learned my lesson the first time I liked a guy in another state. What's wrong with me? I'm crazy. I know.

Ok I'm not going to do anything. I'm just going to stay here in good old Wichita until I rot. Ok, no, but longer than I want. I am so tired of it here. I continue to feel stuck here. This is not supposed to be home! This is not supposed to be where I'm supposed to be, damn it!

I'll be fine, I know I will be. I will apply to PA programs for next year and hopefully get into one. Mateo and I will be friends and if it's supposed to be anything more, then somehow it'll work out. Most likely it won't be anything more but I know it'll be good to be friends. He needs good friends.

2009-01-10T22:04:00.004-06:00

Well after a week and a half of not being able to use my computer because the power adapter went out, my new one came today, thank goodness. All the way from Hong Kong. Yay ebay.

I got a letter on my birthday from M. He's doing ok, considering. I'm waiting to hear how his court date went on the 6th.

I had a fun birthday. I had a cake and candles at my young adult Bible study. And then me and two friends went out to a wine bar downtown called Oeno. It's a kind of New York City type place right in this small city of Wichita. Besides being almost totally empty, it was a lot of fun. I tried a few different samples of red wine and had some fancy cheese. Then had to go get something to eat at Old Chicago to kill the buzz a bit ;-) I also got a leather jacket for $40. It's one that would normally cost about $300. I was excited!

I must admit that even though there are good parts of a day and good days. . .it seems like really I've been in more of a depressed state lately. I'm stuck in a waiting mode when it comes to knowing if I'll be starting school this summer or not. Right now thought of classes and 60 hours a week of work is overwhelming for the next 4 months or so, let alone the thought of doing it another year and a half if I don't get it. I know I can do it, I just really don't want to. Then there is the disappointment of a stop to a relationship that never even got started really. We are writing though. And we'll continue to. We'll definitely be friends.

Maybe he's right. . .he said there's a reason God brought us together. We'll see. Until then I'll keep working and keep hoping that I get to start PA program this summer. I just need to get through the interview first. It's on the 16th. I haven't really started getting nervous about it yet. I do have a cute suit to wear though.

I just thought of the words of a song that I used to listen to...I can't remember if Rich Mullins wrote it or someone kind of like him but the words are: Hold me Jesus, I'm shaking like a leaf, you have been my king of glory, won't you be my prince of peace....thank goodness for someone else being able to put something into words that I can't.

2008-12-26T13:17:00.002-06:00

I know that it doesn't make any sense that I can't stop thinking about someone that I only had talked to for a few weeks.

But I also couldn't stop thinking about him since April. The first time we met. . .I could tell there was something about him. The other times he came to church, he always made sure he came up to talk to me. And he looked so excited to see me. I knew he was. There was one time that I was singing in the praise team and he looked at me during communion and smiled at me. I couldn't help but smile back.

I don't know why after not seeing him for so long, I ended up talking to him. He was nervous to see me. I was too. But being around him and talking to him felt as comfortable and natural as talking to someone I'd known for years.

And now. . .he's gone. I can look up online to see that he's on a list of inmates. I know he had to go. . .it was for the best. He couldn't keep denying he wasn't supposed to be here. He was never going to be able to have a normal life with it hanging over his head.

And now someone who I probably would've just remembered as the guy I met at church once or twice is in my head. I have a special notebook to write letters along with pre-stamped envelopes (no adhesives allowed). I have his computer tower (sadly not in one piece so I can't get music off of it) in my room to someday ship or take to him. And now. . .I'll look at the mailbox everyday hoping I get a letter.

Kinda weird huh? The first time he talked he said something about how you can just have a feeling that something or meeting someone is going to be life-changing. Seriously? Geez, meet me and then go back to the one place you never wanted to go back to. Life-changing indeed.

2008-12-25T22:53:00.002-06:00

Good things:

PA program interview on January 16!!!!
I ACED my classes this semester!!! (yes only two, but I was also working 60 hours a week)
I finally got the 7th season of Gilmore Girls on DVD thanks to my wonderful roommate
The weather was clear and great on my trip back from IL
I got to spend a good amount of time with my family

Not-so-good things:

I miss someone more than anyone should after only a few weeks. I already have a letter ready to mail. And will probably start a new one as soon as I mail the first.

2008-12-13T09:00:00.002-06:00

Outside the wind is howling, the sky is grey, and I'm sure it's really cold.

I feel that way right now. I have a feeling I will for just a little while.

I found out why that guy hadn't called me. He basically went into hermit-mode and hadn't talked to anyone.

First it requires some background information. I don't really want to go into it too much...this is just the open internet but he's had a lot of crap happen including drugs and jail. Technically he wasn't supposed to be here and he is going back to turn himself in. He's been clean for about a year and a half, is a Christian, and is really dedicated to turning his life around. He was doing pretty good too, he had a good job with lots of possibilities...I hate that he's having to throw that all away. And unfortunately to the "justice" system he's a dangerous, horrible criminal with no hope.

This sucks. This is someone that there was an instantaneous click when we first met. I'm not joking, immediately I knew there was something about him. He did too. It took us so long to connect (just re-met him right before Thanksgiving) and now he's leaving. I'll probably never see him again. I'm going to spend the next 2 years worrying about him. And at the same time go on living my life and try to get on with it.

This week had already been difficult because I was upset that I hadn't heard from him. I told him it was really hard not to send a really bitchy message..he said "Oh I was waiting for it, I figured I'd get one." Now I'm going to continue being upset. What really sucks is that I have a final to study for, work to go to, and I can't spend a whole lot of time with him before he goes.

His birthday is coming up...and Christmas...he's never really celebrated Christmas before. He's never had a tree or anything. Now he still won't. I can't believe all this. . .it's just so surreal and unbelievable.

This sucks.

Honest Meme (I'm so good at Procrastinating)

2008-12-08T11:28:00.004-06:00

So Val tagged me to do this meme that makes me list 10 honest things about myself. . .

Fun huh? Well I figure this is a great procrastination technique so here goes!!!

1) There are two things I do to relieve stress: dance (and I'm not talking ballet or the waltz, I'm talking sexy club dancing. I usually turn on something from a Broadway musical or 80s rock music and go totally crazy) and relax with a sappy movie and a glass of wine. Favorite? something along the lines of Pride and Prejudice and pinot grigio or cabernet savignon

2) I still think that I was actually meant to be a singer or an actress but never had the opportunities to pursue it. I've made my peace with this and enjoy that I'm doing something that uses my intellect and will help people. And I will always have a job no matter what the economy ;-) But I still dream of being Sarah Brown in Guys & Dolls.

3) If I had $2000 to spend on anything I wanted whether I needed it or not, I would go out and buy black Christian Louboutin heels and a designer handbag: either Gucci, Prada, or Louis Vuiton. I know I'm crazy.

4) Every once in awhile, I figure I should write down all my crazy thoughts and stories I come up with in my head and put it all together to make a book.

5) I started this earlier today but didn't get to finish. Now I am at home after working a shift at the nursing home. In the words of Val: I feel like hammered dog poo. Except I'm going to say what Val's mom would say: I feel like hammered dog shit. It was horrible, I got into a bit of a fight with a bitchy LPN which ended with her demanding I take a break. Then I did something I haven't done in a long time. I smoked. And guess who I got the cigarette from? That's right, the bitchy LPN! BLAH! My poor mother heard all about it in crying, yelling form tonight (except the smoking part) and I actually managed to not cuss horribly even though I really wanted to. Oh but one of the guys at work got an earful....

6) you know that guy I talked about meeting at church? Well I hadn't seen him in months but recently met up with him again. We hung out last week, had a great time, oh but now I haven't heard from him in 4 days. I have even stopped by his house. I feel incredibly stupid. Except I am also worried about him b/c he's a drug addict who has only been clean for a year. Yes I know I am crazy. Unfortunately I have a soft spot in my heart for people with problems. It's getting harder and harder though; soon I'll be cold as a stone.

7) It probably isn't a good idea for me to be doing this right now. I'm pissed. So everything is going to come out negative. Or incredibly silly because pretty soon the rum that is in my coke may just kick in.

8) I really still hope that someday I will find a husband...even though, I'm doing a pretty good job of convincing myself that I don't.

9) I have a pretty, classy, fancy Christmas tree. It really is pretty. It's gold, burgundy, and cream and one of the ornaments says "HOPE." I bought it last year and after Christmas just went ahead and hung it up on my wall. It's a good reminder. I want to continue to hold on to hope. . .somehow.

10) ok gotta admit the rum didn't kick in as much as I would have liked. . .but oh well. I do have to go to work tomorrow. Although I did go ahead and call my office to leave a message that I had a rough night and probably wouldn't actually get there at 8. I would do anything to just do absolutely nothing tomorrow. Except oh yeah I have a freakin test to study for.

ok there are 10 super honest things about me.

I'm supposed to tag 7 people. . .guess what? I don't know 7 people to tag except for one that's already done it! I'm pathetic.

So, I will tag the only ones I know to tag: Jamillah, Sarah, Tracie, and Jenn.

Dreaming too big?

2008-11-21T12:56:00.002-06:00

I just registered for Physics II. That's right. . .Physics. . .

I don't need Physics for the physician's assistant program. However, it is a requirement for medical school.

I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop wishing I could become a doctor. It seems too lofty, too risky, too big of a dream. . .but I can't stop thinking about it. If I wind up getting into the PA program, I will probably drop it but at least I'm signed up if I don't.

I may quite possibly be crazy. I will have to take the MCAT, of course, and apply to the Early Decision Program by July 1. I want to try to do that because I've heard there's a fairly high acceptance rate if you do (at least, at KU).

Who knows, I could end up staying in Physics, but take the MCAT and do horribly and not even mess with applying.

Everytime I start thinking about it, I talk myself out of it. . . takes too much time, too expensive, crazy work hours. . .but then a few weeks later I'm back to thinking, "I want to be a doctor."

We'll see.

2008-11-19T22:07:00.002-06:00

I have really tried to keep a positive outlook about my life as it is right now. I know I am blessed; I have everything I need. I know I am working towards what I want to do with my life.

But tonight it's hard.

I can't stop thinking that I'm almost 28 and I feel like a failure. I feel like I'm getting nowhere. The things I have wanted the most in my life haven't happened and it can be really hard to deal with. I feel like I should have accomplished more by now. I'm surrounded by people who are married or getting married and having kids and it's really really hard. I'm surrounded by people younger than me who are getting started in their careers (or fairly well-established in them actually) and I feel like because of stupid decisions I've wasted the last 2 or 3 years instead of getting on with what it is I want to do. I hate it. And I hate that I have been feeling like this. I know it's just from being tired and busy which is making me stressed.

I want to just be able to enjoy this part of my life, knowing that I am working towards what I want to do and trust that it's ok that I am where I am in my life. I know things could be a lot worse and I know that I took the steps I needed to go through the CNA class, apply to the PA program and I felt like I was ready. I felt like it was finally the right time. I could know as soon as December (if I don't get an interview) or in February about if I get in.

Like I said, I usually have had a pretty good attitude about everything, taking the being tired and stressed better sometimes than others, but the last few days it's been more difficult.

2008-11-14T23:17:00.003-06:00

What was I thinking? What was I thinking to work 60 hours a week and take two classes? Hmm? What? Seriously what was I thinking?

I'm exhausted. EXHAUSTED. Today (Friday), I slept through class, called in sick at the conference office and slept until 12:30 pm. Yes that would be 30 minutes after NOON. I went to bed at like 11:30.

This week I had a test that I barely studied for and I know I did horribly. My only encouragement is that I aced the first two and there's one more left that as long as I do well, I can still easily pull off an A.

I don't feel like I have time to breathe or even do the simplest of tasks like cleaning my room. And unfortunately I know that the free time I do have I basically waste. And I've been shopping which is never a good thing because I always start thinking that my wardrobe is horrible, I need new clothes, or there's just one more "basic" item I need. I'm going to make myself take a break from the mall.

The nursing home is hard. I don't know how I'll be able to keep it up. The only encouragement there is that next semester I should be able to work a more normal schedule and only work every other weekend. I hope. If for whatever reason I can't, I will either need to switch units or go somewhere else. That would suck though, I'd miss my residents! It was hard enough getting into the groove there, I don't want to have to try again.

Anyway, for the most part I'm ok, I am just working a lot and I'm tired which is making me more frustrated with life in general but really I know things will be ok. I decided that if I don't get into the PA program (which I probably won't) then I'm going to go through a med aide class so I can pass meds and not have to do the CNA thing so long.

2008-10-22T13:50:00.002-06:00

I am always frustrated that I don't understand more about politics than I do.

And here it is again, another election year and part of me doesn't really know what to think....except, oh yeah, I can't stand the thought of another Republican in office. Yes, I don't care to disclose, I support Barack Obama.

I am getting into a health care discussion with someone on facebook...and still feel like I should know more about what I am discussing.

What I do know: I think that it is a travesty that there are 46 million Americans who are uninsured. I think it is ridiculous that the United States, the richest nation in the world with the best health care (as far as technology) spends MORE on health care than any other nation yet there are so many uninsured. I think it is devastating that a family would have to go bankrupt or forgo basic necessities in order to pay for the costs of medicine and treatment for someone that has a chronic illness. We're still the only industrialized nation without universal health care.
I think that at the root of this problem is the fact we still look at health care as a product to be sold to those willing to buy it. It is a way for XYZ company to make money. What if we looked at it as a basic human need that without question should be provided?

Is a government controlled universal health care system the answer for our country? I don't know really. There are all these stories from Canada and England saying that people have to wait months for basic treatment and surgeries...however, they can go to any doctor and be provided health care. There is no question about it.

Do I think something has to be done for the 46 million people that are uninsured (instead of just the limited-already-strained Medicaid)? YES. Something HAS to be done. And I don't believe that anything John McCain is going to throw out will do anything. $5000 tax credit? Sounds great for families who don't have anything more than basic check ups. What about people who have a child (or themselves) who have asthma or diabetes (thus ALWAYS having health care costs)? What about the family that is barely scraping by finds out one of them has cancer or another deadly disease? $5000 won't go very far.

I don't know what the best solution is. But I know it can't go on the way it is now.

2008-09-30T11:21:00.002-06:00

I am tired. My legs hurt. My arms hurt. My back hurts. My throat is starting to get scratchy.

No, it's not the flu but something of my own doing. Two jobs, two classes, and little sleep.

I knew it would take getting used to and I know that I will find ways to make sure I'm getting rest (preferably not by skipping class because I didn't wake up like I did yesterday) and taking care of myself but right now . . . I gotta admit, it's tough. Whether it's dealing with difficult residents (difficult or no, they still make me smile and I love them) or difficult LPNs (definitely don't make me smile), I've had a difficult week at the nursing home. Really, I gotta say, the difficulty is coming from the LPNs. One, I think, is trying to be helpful, but the other night when I got stuck a hall that had multiple fall risks so they need to get to bed quick and multiple residents that shouldn't sit in their wheelchairs too long so they need to get to bed quick, I was frustrated beyond all get out at her "help." I'm still learning the routine, I'm still slow and I can't put 5 people to bed at once! Then there's another one that likes to just order me around like I'm stupid. But when there's someone else who's supposed to be doing something they don't say anything. Or when there are a couple of CNAs who just disappear for large chunks of time, nothing is said. Grrrr....ok I know I got myself into this and I really do enjoy it. I love taking care of the residents. I will somehow deal with the other people and try to be patient.

Classes are going well. I did well on my first test in pathophysiology. It was a LOT easier than I expected it to be. I have a quiz tomorrow in the class I slept through yesterday. . .the quizzes are tricky; it's not just memorize info and get the answer right. It's essay questions that you have to think a lot about and explain it well. I'm used to that though; that's what all my Bio tests in college were like. And right now all the material is stuff I learned already in Bio so I just have to review it basically.

Oh and I'm still attempting leading Bible study although we haven't had anyone come the last few weeks. And I started teaching a Sunday school class.

So yes, a lot going on and I am tired for sure (I do still get 7 - 8 hours of sleep a night so really I can't complain too much, I guess) but overall, it's all good. I may have to take a day off at the conference office soon just to try to rest and get some things around the house done. My room is an absolute mess and driving me crazy. Hmm...same with my desk at the office. . .I should work on that now, you know since I'm here! ;-)

A lot going on...and I'm exhausted

2008-09-22T11:11:00.002-06:00

This is the second week of the all-consuming crazy life that I have willingly put myself into. I am taking 2 classes, working 20 hours a week at the conference office, and 40 hours a week at a nursing home. I work Thursday-Monday, 2nd shift.

I'm exhausted. Last week I manged to oversleep for my 8:30 class all 3 days we meet. Eek!

It's not all bad though. I really do like the nursing home. It's difficult at times and my back and feet hurt but I do really like it. It's one step closer to being a physician's assistant. That reminds me, I did get my application turned in! Now I will wait to get a supplementary application then hopefully get to go in for an interview in January. I'm excited even though I know it may be really difficult to get in the first time around. It's a really competitive program.

My roommate and I are foster parents for 4 kittens (3 young ones and 1 older one from a different litter). They had been hanging around our office and a few people started causing a fuss about it so we decided to catch them and take them home! We're trying to socialize them and wait until they're a bit older and then take them to the humane society. The older one, though, we're going to try to keep. I already know it's going to be hard to give them up!

I've been fighting the feelings of wondering if I'm really going to be able to handle all that I'm doing. Those feelings seem to like to creep up when you're tired, exhausted, get mad that you can't find your keys, and don't have time to clean your room. But I'm trying not to buy into all that. I know I need to give myself time to adjust to my new schedule. Hopefully next semester won't be as bad. I should be able to schedule my classes so that I can work a more normal schedule at the nursing home and not have to work every weekend.

Ok that's all for now. I still am going to try to post pics from when I went to WA. . .man that seems like so long ago. . . .

2008-09-05T18:24:00.002-06:00

I'm sitting here watching Stand Up to Cancer. It's on NBC, CBS, and ABC.

Hearing the stories makes me tear up.

And it makes me want to be a part of the research. It makes me want to be a part of treating those with cancer. It makes me want to be a medical professional who will be caring and compassionate and fight like hell to fight a way to help them.

I hope that I'm on my way to that....I will start on Monday at a nursing home. My application for the PA program is almost finished. I will get that turned in on Monday probably. I will hope for an interview although I know I may not get one. It's a really difficult program to get into. We'll see! I'm excited though...I'm taking two classes: Microbiology and Pathophysiology. So far, I love the classes. I wasn't sure I'd like Micro but I have quickly changed my mind. And Patho. . .is so interesting and challenging. And my profs are really great and not just because they didn't make me buy a book. :-)

I am so excited to finally be beginning my path in the medical field.

2008-08-17T20:14:00.002-06:00

First of all, Washington was SO amazing! It is absolutely beautiful! I had so much fun doing fun little things like going to the lavender farm and spending time with my friends. Their two girls are so much fun. I am really going to try to post some pics soon. I have about 200 to choose from ;-)

I must admit this week, however, hasn't been all that great. Some of it has but I've had moments of feeling lonely, frustrated that I can't seem to get things like unpacking done, and just . . . not myself.
I may have taken it before but I took the Facebook version of the Meyer's Briggs personality test awhile back and me and my roommate were talking about it yesterday. We're both INFP which represents only like 1% of the population. Something she read online describes INFPs as having the tendency to feel lonely and out of place and different. I almost always feel that way.
In the next few weeks many things in my life are going to change. I'll work part-time at the conference office in the resource center library and hopefully get a full-time job at a nursing home. I put in applications at some last week. I will also be taking two classes at the university. I am definitely excited...excited that I'm FINALLY getting to go on with plans to do what I really want to do. Of course it'll still take awhile but I'm on my way! I do have a sense of calm and peace about it all too. I know things will work out the way they're supposed to.

But still there is a part of me that is frustrated with myself that I still haven't really unpacked and I moved a month ago. I'm frustrated that I think of all these things I want to do but feel like I can't do them. And then there's just that feeling of being lonely. I am not sure why I've felt that way lately. Sometimes I feel like the only thing I do when I'm home is watch TV. Which isn't totally true but today it feels like it. Oh well.

So I don't know. Hopefully this mood I'm in won't last. There is a lot to do and a lot to look forward to. Including the Olympics...ok now I'm glad I turned the TV back on. Gymnastics is on!!

Vacation

2008-08-06T12:11:00.002-06:00

I'm headed to Washington (state) for vacation. I'm very excited. I get to see friends that I haven't seen in WAY too long. And their kids! I saw the first one when she was 3 months old. She's 3 now...and apparently there's a 2nd little one too ;-)

And Val if you read this before I get there, you better not be doing anything resembling getting ready to have a visitor. :-)

I can't wait to just . . . enjoy a new state, enjoy much cooler temperatures than what I am experiencing now, catching up, playing, and seeing mountains. . .ooo mountains. I miss mountains. I wonder if there's a place to get good seafood.

Ooo I'm getting more excited. I am working today but can't really concentrate on anything.

2008-07-31T12:56:00.002-06:00

I'm afraid this post will seem a little down in the dumps even though I don't mean for it to be. Right now, though, I am tired and as a result, grumpy. I haven't slept enough in the last few days. I'm trying to just hold on until Saturday then I can sleep in.

My online class is finished. I did well. Medical terminology isn't that difficult really. Neither is the CNA class. That has turned into a joke of a class which is frustrating. My open book final is on Tuesday. . .don't think I'll have much trouble. Tomorrow I do a double shift at a nursing home to finish up my clinical hours. That's been a frustrating mess just because people keep wanting the times and locations changed around (including driving an hour away which I refused to do because I would've done it three times in a week). Anyway, so tomorrow I will start at 6:30 and work until about 10.

The good thing about that, though, is that my brother is coming to visit this weekend and we'll have a good amount of time together instead of me having to go do a clinical. And it means I can go to church on Sunday which means I may get to see the nice guy at church. :-)

I am all moved into the new house! And I got a piano! It's an old one, probably made in the 20s. Every time I'm at the house I want to play it. I don't know any actual songs really, but I know enough chords to be able to just play random nothingness but it sounds good!! I love it! The rest of the house is still a mess though.
The new house has a garden! It has tomatoes, basil, grapes, onions, and a few other kinds of herbs that I don't know. I love it. I cut up one of the tomatoes, put them on a piece of bread and topped it with fresh basil leaves, olive oil, garlic powder, salt, pepper, and parmesan cheese and toasted it in the toaster oven.....heaven, absolute heaven. There are also some strawberry plants! I'll have to do some work to get it all in shape. There are also tons of flowers all around.

I finally bought a digital camera that should come in by Saturday so I'll start taking pictures and post some of the new house and stuff.

I begin a couple of classes the third week of August and then hopefully I'll find a job at a nursing home to start in September. My full-time job at the conference office ends the last Friday of August. But get this: there is now a part-time job open at the office! In fact, I'm doing it while I'm still here and then will (hopefully) start part-time in September! I'm excited. Things are just falling into place and working out wonderfully. I wasn't looking forward to leaving the office and now it looks like I don't have to! The job is running the resource/media center and it's something that I can make work with my schedule which is wonderful. I could basically do it for as long as I needed to.

I can't wait until next Wednesday! I'm off to Washington!!!

2008-07-06T13:09:00.002-06:00

This blog has a lot of stuff in it. Sometimes I go back over the posts and relive everything I thought about, felt, and was upset over. At times, I figure I have depended on it too much. I've probably revealed too much. I've probably let things out that I should've just kept to myself.
Oh well. I guess there's no point in worrying about it now.

But lately, I haven't wanted to write anything. Even now, I'm just sitting here writing, thinking that there's really nothing to actually write about. I'm moving on Friday. Then I'll move again two weeks later. Classes are going well. I'm going to WA in August (ok that is really exciting!). I will be looking for at least one job as a CNA to start by the end of August. I will plan on still applying to the PA program but if I don't get in, I am going to re-apply for the next year but maybe also go ahead and apply to medical school as well. I may be crazy but it seems that med school keeps popping up in my head and the wonder of "could I really do it?" hasn't gone away in. . .almost 8 years now. Who knows. Things that made me hesitate seem not to be an issue so maybe its just time to go for it. Forget about all the "ifs."

I am still so confused about my life. But I am also a lot more content about it than I have been. I have no idea what's going to happen. A few weeks ago, something potentially bad happened but I didn't beat myself up over it (too bad anyway). I have realized that I am still mad at Jason and mad at how I handled everything over those months and how I let everything just keep going on the way they were even though I was so unhappy. But, I know time will make that better. I am also a little mad at myself about the guy I met last month. We went out a few times and honestly I probably could've really liked him but . . . really I think both of us just wanted someone to make out with. Oh well.

My parents, niece, and nephew came out this week to visit. I loved having them here even though it meant my apartment was a little cramped. I miss my niece and nephew so much; I miss getting to see them grow up. My niece is becoming a little preteen. She was dancing around a lot and also put on a fashion show, complete with turquoise eyeliner. But there's this grown up part of her that sits quietly and reads her books, including her Bible, and writes in her little journal. I can't believe she's 11 now. My nephew is a typical 9 year old boy and is a lot of fun. He loves Star Wars and Indiana Jones. And Queen songs like "We Are the Champions" and "Another One Bites the Dust." I downloaded those and a few others that he liked to give to him. He also got hooked on a Weird Al song about Star Wars (The Saga Begins).

I need to go back to trying to exercise and eat better. Physically I have just been feeling very blah. The only thing I want to eat is junk food. I'm sitting here watching tennis and thinking "I should go play" but probably won't. It's really hot outside. And I need to pack. Ugh. This isn't going to be easy. I need to do something though. Everything I read and hear about says that I'm probably high risk for all wonderful sorts of diseases down the road. I need to get rid of my belly.

Who knows what life will hold. Somehow I'll keep enjoying each moment. I'll keep working towards my goals (as if-y as they are at times) and trust that God is somehow leading me and continuously making me into who he wants me to be.

Dreams

2008-06-29T08:21:00.002-06:00

I've always had dreams. Some stick with me for years. Once I had a dream with the song, "The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia" that made me SO scared (it involved a family member pointing a gun at me) that I could not listen to that song for years.

Lately I just wake up and think "what the. . .?" I just seem to have such weird dreams and I just don't get them.

Last night I was dreaming of looking at different pictures and paintings and they weren't anything I ever remember seeing before but the detail and color was so vivid it's like somehow I had seen them.

Then there was one that I was back in the 70s or 80s. I don't remember exactly but I was me at the age I am now and walking around in a store with cheap prices, old electronics, and old clothes. Weird. . . except that's not even the craziest one I've had.

There were a few other weird ones but I don't remember them. But I definitely woke up this morning thinking, "what the. . .?"

2008-06-25T20:14:00.002-06:00

The last few weeks have been a little crazy.

I'm not really holding my breath that things will really work out with the new guy...let's just say, he's fun to make out with. And in my experience, guys that are fun to make out with are only good for that one thing...oh well. I guess after a year of dating someone who didn't even try to kiss me, I just wanted someone who did want to. Oh well. There is a guy at church that is pretty nice. . .Am I beyond fickle? Ugh. What's really sad is this new guy is hilarious and he can play tennis! I really want a guy who can play tennis.

I am signed up for an online class and I thought it started on the 24th...it started on the 2nd. So I immediately contacted the instructor and order what I thought was the book. Only it was the web tutor access code. . .so I ordered it again. Only it won't get here until next week and the midterm is due by Saturday night. Guess who has the book and who I will probably drive an hour to get it from? That's right, Jason. Woohoo I am so excited. He seemed perfectly nice about it except when I said thank you, he said "uh huh." Whatever, at least I'll be able to get the test finished.

What's funny is I may not even need the class. I interviewed for a children's ministry director position in town. I started thinking about it and really felt like I should go for it. Especially since sometimes I start wondering if it's really ok for me to be getting into so much more debt. My job ends in August and I am really not sure if I'll really be able to make ends meet going to school and working as a CNA. I'd have to get two jobs. So I don't know....

I've been leading the young adult Bible study I've been involved with and got informed by an extremely conservative Catholic male that it is against God's cosmic plan for the spiritual development of males for a woman to be leading a Bible study. He's the roommate of the guy that opened his apartment for us to meet in. At some point we're going to have a discussion. I must admit it's really hard to look at some of the bible passages that seem to be speaking against women in leadership.
But then there are passages that are thanking and talking about women who are involved in ministry not to mention the fact that women are hanging out with Jesus and the first evangelists by telling of Jesus' resurrection. I find it difficult to believe that God would then just say "Sorry, you can't actually do anything. That whole acceptance of females that Jesus portrayed was just a hoax."

Every time I get the urge to go hit tennis balls, someone is on the tennis court. Grrrr.

I'm moving...twice...once in with a family for two weeks, then into. . .a house! My friend bought her house and she takes possession July 25. Woohoo! I decided to move in with the family for a few weeks to save money on rent at my apartment. I was going to have to pay extra to stay a month after my lease is up. I may regret that once I move all my stuff twice. . . oh well.

Fun,exciting, and challenging stuff.

2008-06-05T08:44:00.002-06:00

Lots of things have been going on lately. They have been fun, exciting, and challenging.
First the fun part :-)I met someone at conference last week. He's a youth pastor (I know, what am I thinking. . .another youth pastor?) and he's very sweet and funny. And he's actually older than me. And he plays guitar. This is the cute part: during one of the sessions we were sitting at a table and my phone was out; he picked it up and put his phone number in my phone! Then sent himself a text message. He mentioned something about going out sometime but it wasn't going to be for a week because he was in a wedding and had camp all this week. Then he changed his mind and asked if I'd want to do something after he was finished with the wedding rehearsal on Friday. We went to see Indiana Jones. Then later after he was home, we ended up talking on the phone for a little while. And he called me after the wedding on Saturday and we talked for almost 4 hours! I was a little amazed. He's been at camp all this week and I didn't think we would get to talk really; it doesn't really work to call but we've been texting back and forth a little everyday. Oh and this includes flirting. I forgot how much I enjoy flirting. It's fun!!! (I point that out because J and I NEVER flirted!) I am hoping we'll get to hang out again sometime this weekend.

My CNA class is going well. It's a little boring at times and I have to watch videos on how to wash hands and put on gloves...but then there are important things like how to move a resident. The textbook is VERY simplistic and easy to read which is nice. It'll get me back in the swing of schoolwork...in the fall I'm taking microbiology, pathphysiology, and statistics. Woohoo!
There have been hiccups in the whole house buying process. It looks like the sellers may have walked which sucks. So who knows where I'll live. I guess I could just stay at my apartment and hope somehow money works out.

Ok the challenging thing. . .I have been leading the Monday night Bible study that I'd be attending for over a year. The guy who had been doing it had to step down and so I volunteered. Also in this time we moved locations to the home of one of group members. One of his roommates started attending as a result. This week he e-mailed me and told me that although he has enjoyed it and thinks I'm doing a good job, he doesn't think it's right for me to be leading because I am a woman. Needless to say I was just slightly annoyed by this. No one else thinks this way and it will probably come down to him not participating (probably not a bad thing; his fundamentalism will just make too many people uncomfortable) and possibly having to change locations again. I e-mailed several people, my pastor included. He was very helpful and encouraging. I admit reading the few passages in I Timothy and I Corinthians are discouraging and I haven't found any seemingly sustainable support that these passages were really just addressing what was going on at the time. However, I also read the parts that talk about women being an important part of Jesus' and Paul's ministry. I read how Mary Magdelene was the first one to proclaim and "preach" about Jesus' resurrection even if the disciples didn't believe her. I look at the fact that Jesus accepted and loved women and didn't think they were just a piece of property for men to have. I read in Acts 2 of when the Holy Spirit came and Peter quoted the Hebrew scriptures saying "your sons and daughters will prophesy (which means to preach)." I read about spiritual gifts and notice there is no distinguishing between "male" and "female" gifts. They are given to ALL. We are ALL a part of the body of Christ and God has given each of us gifts and talents to use for his glory. I have found such freedom and power in the fact that Jesus was so inclusive. If anything, once the church really started getting going, the men just couldn't handle the thought of women actually having a place and unfortunately it has just taken a really long time to counteract that.

So that is what is going on...I don't think I've mentioned it...but I feel like I'm soaring right now...I just feel content and joyful. It's a nice albeit strange feeling.

So.....

2008-06-01T08:49:00.000-06:00

I have a new friend. :-)

Saturday mornings

2008-05-24T10:38:00.002-06:00

I love Saturday mornings. I get to sleep as long as I want (this morning, it was 11:00 am), I make coffee, french toast or pancakes, and watch TV. When I had cable, I watched I Love Lucy. Now, it's episodes of Grey's Anatomy or Gilmore Girls on DVD. It's just this relaxing, wonderful "me" time. Sometimes, it's several episodes...today, it's only one because I need to do homework.

I have a wedding to go to tonight. I found an AMAZING dress. And get this, I found it at Sam's and it was less than $20. It's green & white and I look HOT in it, I won't lie. I also got a black one so now I have a great "little black dress."

My friend that is buying a house got the inspection done yesterday. She will know within the week if she will definitely get it. She is getting bids on a few things that need to be fixed; the owners may or may not negoiate the price. Until now, they haven't been too willing. Thankfully, she'll know for sure by the time I have to give my 30 days notice about leaving my apartment. I'm not thrilled with the idea of having to move again, but oh well.

I miss Zoe. I still walk into my apartment, half expecting her to come out from wherever she's been relaxing all day. I still expect her to be climbing up on me while I'm using my computer and when I'm going to bed.

I'm singing for the first time in the praise band at church tomorrow. Annual conference is coming up this week so I'll be at that. We're doing a celebration for the campaign. We've gone over our goal! It's exciting.

I should go do homework. The reading and workbook stuff for this CNA class is super easy. We talked about dementia last week; I found myself wanting a lot more info about it, like the parts of the brain that are affected, what happens to the neurons, research done, etc. I came home and got out my neuroscience book. Something about that tells me that it isn't too far-fetched that I'd want to do something like be a physician's assistant. I want to learn how to diagnose, treat, research new treatments, and research what is actually happening.

Good-bye Zoe

2008-05-19T12:05:00.003-06:00

I was gone all weekend taking care of kids or I would've wrote about this later.

I took Zoe to the vet on Friday and got her tested for feline leukemia and FIV (it's not FID like I wrote before). Turns out she had FIV....so....I had to say good-bye.

It was so horrible seeing her so sick...she hadn't eaten, she was all wobbly when she stood up....she was in so much pain. But she still let me hold her and pet her. I gave her a big hug and kiss good-bye. And cried most of the way back to work.

I only had her for such a short time but I'm glad she had a good home for the last month and she didn't have to be in pain for too long. If she was still a stray, she would've had to go through the whole horrible process of her body shutting down. I'm glad she didn't have to.

I think maybe once I move, I may get another cat.

I do miss her already though.

Sick kitty

2008-05-14T15:34:00.001-06:00

My kitty, Zoe, is sick.
She hasn't eaten anything since Saturday (I think). She has barely drank anything. She has been throwing up (but since she hasn't eaten, it's just stomach acid) and having bathroom issues (I'll spare you the details). I took her to the vet today and they gave her an anti-nausea and anti-diarrhea shot. I also got an antibiotic and a pill to give her. If she hasn't improved in a few days, then I'll have to take her back probably to get a feline leukemia/FID (like AIDS) test and blood work.
If she still doesn't get better. . .then I may have to say goodbye to Zoe.

I'm praying so hard that she gets better. I've only had her a month and a half! It would be horrible to lose her now....

Zoe

2008-05-10T11:02:00.000-06:00

2008-05-10T11:01:00.000-06:00

I wrote this yesterday while at work but couldn't post it:

I am sitting at work and the boredom has reached epic proportions. I am sure there are many people who would love to have nothing to do at work but not me. I hate it. I get anxious. I can't stand sitting still but I feel like I have no choice but to stay at my desk. It give me too much time to think.

I have been sitting here thinking about Jason. Then I get frustrated that I'm sitting here thinking about Jason.

Then I think about Val's beautiful little girl who is 1 today! Yay Happy Birthday! But then I think that I'm a horrible friend because I did not get her a gift. I haven't finished knitting the cute little blanket that was supposed to be for her birthday. But maybe it'll be done by the time I go visit! I am visiting this summer, I am determined!!!!

Then I think about how pretty soon Kyle & Sarah will have a wee little one of their own and I am no where close to starting the little knitted blanket for their little one. And knowing me and my present shipping disability it will be months before I send them a baby gift. (sorry guys...like you're really concerned...you have more important things to think about;-) ) But I'm so excited to see pictures and hear about her!

I am not nearly as tired as I had been a few days ago. I feel tons better. Tonight is the start of the big annual River Festival and I'm going to the opening night parade. At some point I need to go get a funnel cake!!!
My CNA class starts next Tuesday night; I will learn how to do vitals, give old-wrinkly people a bath, and clean up their poop. Woohoo. . . actually I'm looking forward to it. I know that it's a step I have to take to get where I want to be. And I like old people. I want to be a good caregiver. They deserve it. I remember when my grandmother was in a nursing home. I want to treat them all like they were my grandmother because I would want her to be treated with the utmost respect and care (of course my grandmother was very easy to deal with and I know that is not always the case but still).

Let's see. . .what else? Oh yes, my friend from work put in an offer on a house and it got accepted! The inspection isn't for two weeks so now she's just waiting to see what happens. If all goes well we'll be able to move in at the end of June! It's a really cute house with a big backyard and even a garden!!! I am still feeling pretty calm about not really knowing yet about where I'm going to live. My lease is up at the end of June and the rent is going up so I really can't afford to stay there. Having a roommate will be a big help!

I am completely taking charge of Bible study now. Eek! I'm sending out the e-mails, will talk to any people who might be interested in coming, and leading it. I've even had some "counseling" experience. A girl from Bible study broke up with her boyfriend and apparently I'm the "go-to" person when it comes to that stuff. :-) Actually it was really cool. . .I felt like I could actually help. And actually believe the stuff I was saying.

braindead

2008-05-07T19:16:00.003-06:00

The last two days have left me feeling tired, slow, and downright. . .well. . .down. I left work early today, came home and slept for over two hours. I've been grumpy and keep making stupid mistakes at work. I have felt like I'm in just a daze and can't do anything right.
I have no idea why. It sucks. I am continuing to feel a bit braindead right now. I've been watching America's Next Top Model (the super-annoying girl finally got booted!) and now American Idol. Really just because I heard Maroon 5 is supposed to be on.

I am supposed to start my CNA class next week. I was expecting to get a bill or something but haven't yet so now I have to call the school and make sure everything is ok.

Unfortunately when I get in these braindead moods, I manage to just think about all the stuff (and people. . .well person really) I don't want to think about. I keep mainly thinking about the bad stuff and then it starts being a little frustrating. I hate feeling like I wasted so much time on him. But at the same time, I miss having someone to talk to. Well, I miss having a guy to talk to, even if at times, he wasn't so great at it. Oh well. I think I am just more upset about the fact that it was another deadend relationship rather than being upset about Jason himself.

Oh btw, Maroon 5 was on and absolutely wonderful. Adam Levine. . .oh my. . . .he's just. . .yeah. . .

Jodieology

2008-05-05T16:41:00.002-06:00

Found this on myspace...I'm bored waiting to go to Bible study.

Let others know a little more about yourself, repost this as your name followed by "ology."

MOUTHOLOGY

Q. What is your salad dressing of choice?
A. French

Q. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
A. Chipolte

Q. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
A. Anything Mexican (Abuelo's is GREAT)

Q. On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?
A. 20%

Q. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
A. Pizza or tacos

Q. What are your pizza toppings of choice?
A. Several kinds of cheese. Or just mozzerella

Q. What do you like to put on your toast?
A: Cinnamon and Sugar

TECHNOLOGY

Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A. Sex and the City movie wallpaper

Q. How many televisions are in your house/apartment?
A. 1

BIOLOGY

Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
A. left

Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
A. Just teeth

Q. When was the last time you had a cavity?
A. Probably now

Q. What is the last heavy item you lifted?
A. mattresses

Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
A: yes

DAREOLOGY

Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
A. no...unless it was just a peck. I'd need more money for that!!

Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
A. probably not unless I really needed the money

Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?
A. yeah

Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
A: depends on how much would show

Q: What is in your left pocket?
A: nothing

Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
A: I liked it the first time

Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
A: both.

Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?
A: stand

Q: Could you live with roommates?
A: yup and will be again soon probably

Q: How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
A: at least 5 or 6

Q: Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
A. not since when I rear-ended someone

Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?
A. Happy

LASTOLOGY

Q: Friend you talked to on the phone?
A: Mom

Q:Last person who called you?
A. hmm good question.

Q: Person you hugged?
A: mom, grandma, grandpa, and Aunt Diane

FAVORITOLOGY

Q: Number(s)?
A: 8

Q: Season?
A: Spring

CURRENTOLOGY

Q: Missing someone?
A: family

Q: Mood?
A: excited

Q: Listening to?
A: Will & Grace

Q: Watching?
A: Will & Grace

Q: Worrying about?
A: whether or not its going to rain

RANDOMOLOGY

Q: First place you went this morning?
A: bathroom

Q: What can you not wait to do?
A: right now play volleyball...in the future...too many things!

Q: What's the last movie you saw?
A: Made of Honor

Q: Do you smile often?
A: I try to

Q: Are you a friendly person?
A: Most of the time

2008-04-29T17:50:00.002-06:00

Well Bible study ended up going well. We talked about spirituality and spiritual growth.

I ended up leaving work early today. I had a horrible headache and my stomach hurt. I came home and fell asleep for two hours. I feel a little better.

I had a good talk with a guy from work today. I asked him his opinion on some stuff about Jason in regards to his youth ministry stuff. One thing (not in relation to that) he said after telling him a few things about our relationship is that I deserve to be treasured in a relationship and it's obvious that I wasn't. I've been around him and his wife and it's good to see how they are together and I appreciated his encouragement. Maybe someday I'll find someone that will treasure me. If not, I'd definitely rather be single than be in a relationship that I am not treasured.

I feel bad. . .my cat keeps trying to climb on me but she's shedding like crazy so I really don't want her to. Plus you know I'm sitting here typing. Aww, now she's just resting her hed on my arm. Silly kitty. She's so cute. I was going to post a picture however something seems to be wrong with blogger and I can't. I'll try again later.

2008-04-27T18:37:00.002-06:00

I am sitting here trying to figure out what to do for Bible study tomorrow. We started doing a study but it hasn't been working out very well so now we're stopping it and so I'm coming up with something from scratch. And I have no idea what to do.

I was thinking that maybe if I just start writing something I'll come up with something. Most of what I've been thinking about are things that I feel like aren't anything new; we've all heard it before. We all know that God loves us no matter what. We've been talking more and more about the kingdom of God being right here, right now and how we can live our lives knowing that. We've talked about how we can (and how we need to) reach out to people and love them. We all know that we are God's beloved children and because of Jesus we have access to the kingdom of God. Blah, Blah, Blah

Ok I'll admit it, sometimes I get sick of it all. I feel so incredibly STUCK. I feel like I can talk about these things; I feel like I can know these things but so what? What does it all really mean? What does it all really matter? What real purpose does it all serve in my life?

I continue to be so confused. I'm confused of what my life is. What it means. What I'm supposed to do with it. Right now I just feel like I'm going through all these motions of life not really knowing why or if I'm doing it right. I was ready to move last year. I was ready to get out of here, move back to IL, and start over. But no, I decided to stay. It's difficult...I mean, I honestly can't imagine my life any differently. I can't imagine not having the job at the conference office but I just am so frustrated that I am still so clueless it seems. The things I want the most are the things that I don't seem to have a chance at getting. And I don't mean material stuff. Maybe my problem is that I do want a relationship and family too much. Am I basing all my decisions upon that possibility even when I know that there's no guarantee of it happening? What am I living my life for really? I feel like everything I do is just a distraction from the fact that I still feel so alone. That I feel like I always will be. That I feel like the decisions I make are never the right ones. That I feel like I'm never going to figure any of this life stuff out. That I am never going to really be able to live.

And that instead of a relationship, I will only have a cat.

Ok so I don't think that helped with anything about Bible study.

Road trip

2008-04-16T18:34:00.002-06:00

Well I'm off to Illinois tomorrow then Mississippi on Friday. I'm excited! I will get to see my sister and Kyle & Sarah tomorrow, then travel with Grandma and Grandpa, mom, and her two siblings, including my aunt that lives in England and I haven't seen in 5 years.

I'm really trying hard not to call or e-mail Jason. I re-read his e-mail and there are thing I missed. . .I know I shouldn't. And I probably won't because I know he doesn't want to talk to me.

Pray that I get to IL and back with my little old truck!

2008-04-09T19:28:00.002-06:00

Well I guess it's natural that although I am relieved that things with Jason are over, I am also a bit sad and disappointed. I hate that I have cried but I know that if I need to, I just need to.

There were many good things about him. He did listen when I was struggling with something (ok for the most part) and he was encouraging and caring. I just know that he is not in a place that he could be the kind of guy I want. I don't doubt that he cared very much for me there were definitely things missing. He wasn't someone I could just relax with and enjoy a good conversation. We didn't "click." I had known this for awhile but I guess maybe I thought that things could get better the more we tried. He also would not make time for me other than just being around his youth group kids. We haven't spent time just on our own at all the last few months. I don't remember anytime after my birthday dinner really.

Oh well. I feel like I tried as hard as I could. I want (and deserve) someone who is going to make time for me even if he's busy. I want someone who isn't going to think that 15 minutes on the phone is all that is needed to carry on the relationship. I want someone that I can have fun with, relax with, and laugh with. I hope that there is someone out there who will see how amazing I am and that I can be the kind of girlfriend I know I can be.

I have no doubt that it won't take long to get over this. I have a supportive group of people around me this time. In fact, I'm going out with some girls on Friday night and then going to the zoo probably on Saturday! Woohoo! Oh! And I talked to a guy at church on Sunday. He seems really nice and actually looked me in the eye when he talked to me. And smiled at me. ;-)

Oh! And I forgot to mention that I have a cat now! She was a stray that kept hanging out around my office and she was getting harassed by mean male cats so I decided to take her home with me! She is SO adorable and cuddly. Her name is Zoe and she is a gorgeous white, black, and tan calico. She gives me kisses and is right now as we speak laying on my stomach (I'm reclined a little on my couch with the computer in my lap).

I feel very hopeful. I had gotten to a point that I felt better about everything else in my life except him. I know this is what is best. And I know that if there is someone out there for me, then it'll be worth waiting for and it'll be someone who is absolutely perfect for me. And will treat me the way that I deserve to be treated.

Rock Chalk Jayhawk!!!

2008-04-09T10:09:00.008-06:00

The KU game was SOOOOO exciting!!!!

First, here's a link to a video that the co-worker I went with shot. This was after the game when we were downtown. It was so CRAZY: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRvYHHhDgzM

The street was completely packed for blocks. They estimate there was at least 40,000 people there!

Then here's one right after they won. This was shot by a guy in front of us and we're in the video! We're near the bottom of the screen in the first 15 seconds or so: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OkEMEMsgwlI

Check out the photo gallery of the celebration in Downtown Lawrence: http://www2.ljworld.com/photos/galleries/2008/apr/07/fans_watch_championship_downtown_lawrence/

I'm FREE

2008-04-09T10:01:00.002-06:00

Ok so I had e-mail Jason basically telling him the things I was unhappy about (and have been unhappy about) and told him that I wanted to talk about how to make things better especially if he wanted to continue the relationship. Well he decided to just e-mail me back and break up with me.

I was pissed that he did it that way. I left him a message saying that was the most immature and disrespectful thing he could have done, then I replied to a few things in his e-mail.

I am RELIEVED. I am disappointed, of course, but I am just so happy it's done. No more arguments about him not making time to spend with me or him making me feel like I'm expecting too much. He's really not that bad of a guy and I don't doubt that he to a certain extent cares for me but he definitely is not in a place where he can be the type of guy I want.

I brought treats to work to celebrate. And I'm going out on Friday. And probably to the zoo on Saturday. And I'm going to Mississippi and get to see my aunt who lives in England next weekend! Woohoo, I'm excited!

2008-04-07T13:44:00.002-06:00

Ok so there will probably be more updates about the whole Jason situation. I finally sat down, wrote out everything I wanted to say and told him that if he really wants this to continue things HAVE to be different because my patience is wearing thin. I'll let you know what happens.

BUT the biggest most exciting news is that I'm going to Lawrence tonight to watch the KU-Memphis game!!! They open up the fieldhouse and show the game on the big screens and one girl from work is going and I'm going with her!!! It'll be so much fun especially if Kansas wins!

I'm not even really a huge KU fan (there are a lot of K-Staters here at the office so I've been pretty neutral) but I think it'll just be an awesome experience!!!

Go Jayhawks!!!!

a few updates

2008-04-02T18:18:00.002-06:00

So a few updates. . .

Jason and I talked. Quite a while, in fact (well for us anyway). We're still together. We talked through stuff that was bothering me and it was good. What's funny is we both have people on our sides wondering why we are together. . .he said that although its been hard, he knows relationships are hard but working through everything will be worth it. And because of loving me so much he wants to keep working through it. I was talking to my sister and we started discussing how really, if anything, we're working through all the stuff that we'd probably have to work through if we were married already. We're just doing it ahead of time :-) Maybe, who knows.
Another thing I thought of is how really he isn't as experienced as other guys I've dated. . .I've never had to be very upfront about what I want. I need to work on being more vocal and explaining things.
He came up for Bible study on Monday and we had such a good time. We were just relaxed and comfortable and able to talk and laugh. I also got to see him on Tuesday; I went with him to a HS track meet. Unfortunately it was cut short when he had to take one of the kids to the hospital. Something happened after the kids ran and he had a horrible pain shooting through his side. They ruled out appendicitis but still unsure of what is wrong. I hope he's ok.

Another cool thing is that I'm enrolled in a certified nurse's assistant and medical terminology class for the summer. That way I can work in the medical field, make sure I really want to do it and after taking 3 more classes can hopefully get into the physician's assistant program next summer. I am still leaving it open; I figure there's no harm in taking the CNA class. It means I'll have a job, no matter what I end up doing. And even if I decide not to go for the PA program, I'll probably still do something in the medical field and the classes I have to take won't hurt any. I knew I at least had to find out if I definitely wanted to do something in the medical field. I mean everytime people talk about something having to do with medicine, my ears perk up and my curiosity goes up. Even today, a girl from work was talking about the back problems she has been having and after I got home I pulled out my anatomy book to see exactly what she was talking about. So I am definitely feeling better that I have a plan that is already being set into motion. One step at a time. . .I realized I was looking too far ahead and not just focusing on it little by little. It's better this way.

Ok so I guess that's the update. I feel excited that I have something to look forward to. And maybe even a trip to Washington! Especially because I have vacation time now. And don't know when I'll have it again! Woohoo!

2008-03-29T14:36:00.002-06:00

If you think of it say a prayer for me.

I need to be strong right now and tell Jason exactly how I feel and tell him that I don't think things are working and that I don't want to be in a relationship with him anymore.

I'm tired of thinking about how I would like to spend my Saturday with him and make dinner and watch a movie only to find out that he is spending his day cleaning.

2008-03-23T21:01:00.003-06:00

"What may happen in two years shouldn't determine what you decide to do; you don't even know what will happen tomorrow."

That's what Jason told me today. I've been trying to figure out what to do when this job is over. It's been quite stressful lately. I need to make a decision and start the process of making it happen.
The hardest part? Being in a relationship. And also knowing that if things do work out, it won't be for another 2 years. I know that I shouldn't base my decision of what I want to do on the possibility of something that I don't know will actually happen but it's hard not thinking about it. I admit it, even if I went ahead and got my MS in Biology, if we did get married, I don't know how willing I'd be to spend 5 years working on a Ph.D., especially if kids were added into that mix. But whatever, I know I shouldn't think of it that way. I should do whatever I want, right? Forget thinking about something that I have absolutely no guarantee of happening.

A few times he's asked me about teaching HS biology but I feel like I'd think I was just settling. Or maybe really, that I wouldn't be able to be a good enough teacher. I'd want to be one that even if kids didn't like (although I'd want them to), they'd maybe look back and think that they actually learned something from me. I'm not sure if I really think I'd be able to handle high school kids. And like I said, I keep thinking that I'd feel like I'm settling.

I'm so frustrated that I can't figure out what I want to do. Part of me wants to figure out if I want to work in the medical field. That plan includes taking a certified nurses assistant class this summer, along with an online class I'd need for the physician's assistant program. Then I'd have 3 classes to take in the fall. I'd have to apply by October. I don't know if I'd be able to get in right away but if I figured out that I definitely wanted to do it (especially after working as a CNA), I'd probably get in the next year. If I decided I didn't want to work in the medical field, I would still have time to apply to the graduate program to start in January. There. Good plan huh? Screw it, I'm just going to do it and see what happens.

Still here

2008-03-18T12:32:00.001-06:00

For Lent I had decided that instead of giving up something, I wanted to take up something. I wanted to take time out each day to pray, read my Bible, and write. Or do at least one or a combination of a few of those things. It hasn't worked. I couldn't even get through a week. I haven't been able to write in my journal or even here. And that is amazing to me especially because for awhile I was writing every day.
Sometimes it feels as though my brain has stopped working. Except with all the thoughts that are constantly running through my head it's obvious that really it hasn't stopped working but something is just. . .different. I don't think it's the medicine because I felt the same way before I started taking it.
Last night at Bible study we talked about God's self-sacrifice. In our study materials it shows a painting of Christ on the cross and a sculpture of Mary holding him after he's died (It's called Pieta by Michaelangelo). We were supposed to meditate on each one for ten minutes or so and write down our thoughts. My thoughts? I kept thinking, "I can't. It's too hard." I thought about this and realized that I haven't let myself think about the sacrifice of Christ dying on a cross. I'm not sure when the last time it was that I really thought about it, what it meant, what significance it has in my life. It's hard. It's painful. I don't want to think about it because if I do, then I will realize how unworthy I am of such a sacrifice. I feel like my life is not a reflection of God's love as shown by his willingness to sacrifice his Son. It's a difficult thing to wrap my head around right now.
I've been feeling a lot better lately. Of course, pills won't make everything better so there are still some rough days. Right now my biggest struggle is trying to figure out what path to take after this job ends. I am still struggling with the decision of grad school because I wonder if I should with my money situation the way it is. I have so far gone almost 3 months with no credit card usage (Yay!!) but I still haven't gone to get a part-time job to help actually pay down the balances. So in that way, I still feel stuck. I don't know why I haven't been able to make myself go look for a job, I don't know why I haven't been able to even sit down and really start taking the steps to even start school. . .that's what is really frustrating me right now. I have been struggling about what to actually do, as well. I still really like the idea of teaching at a university (although I can't help but think that options for that around here, while not completely absent, are a bit limited) but every once in awhile something else starts popping up in my head that I wonder about. The thought of it scares the shit out of me, though. Sometimes I have thought of the "safe" types of careers, like getting my education degree and just teaching HS biology. But then I remember that I am not good at handling high schoolers and figure I wouldn't exactly be happy doing that. I know I'd feel like I was just settling.
Right now I still think I want to head to grad school to get my master's and Ph.D...I am just not sure exactly when to try and start. The biggest thing in my way is, of course, finances. I'd still have to be making enough money to pay all my bills and credit cards and I'm not sure how to do that and take classes at the same time. I would try to get a teaching assistantship, which would mean either reduced tuition or a small stipend but that definitely wouldn't be enough to cover everything.
So here I am trying really not to worry about it but also trying to start taking the steps I need to in order to make things happen. God help me.

Great dress

2008-02-29T18:15:00.002-06:00

I know most of you will probably think I'm nuts, but I am totally in LOVE with this dress:

Christian Lacroix

A secret revealed

2008-02-26T22:00:00.005-06:00

Ok. . .so. . .still don't feel much like blogging.

However, I did want to let you all know that so far, so good when it comes the medicine. I've actually already been feeling better. I've been in a pretty good mood for the last week. I went on a little road trip for work last week and had a wonderful time. It was almost like a mini-vacation even if I was interviewing people and just driving around in the emptiest parts of Kansas. I did eat a lot of Mexican food, including a place in Salina called Nacho Mama's! Ok it wasn't the best food but it's also a sports bar that looked like it would be fun.
Friday, I had just about the best time with Jason (OHHHHH!!!! That's it! That's his name!!!! I figured it was about time!) that I've had in a long time. He did too. Good enough to even give me a kiss right in front of the couple of youth group kids that were with us. And we had a good time last night at Bible study and tonight at a basketball game.

So yes, I'm feeling better. I don't know if it's normal to feel better right away but I guess only time will tell. I'll enjoy it while it lasts and accept being happier whatever the reason. I hope it continues.

Happy (weird) Valentine's Day

2008-02-15T13:06:00.003-06:00

Yesterday was a weird day.

It was Valentine's Day but really I don't get my Valentine's Day until tomorrow. J told me last week that what he really wanted to get me was a dog. Isn't that so sweet? I really, really want one but I can't afford the pet deposit for my apartment. And I can't really afford the expense of a dog either. I would want to make sure I took as good care of it as I could. So maybe another day I will get a dog. I was so amazed that is what he was going to do.

I can't even do anything that big for him, which I absolutely hate. I know of a few things he wants, like a watch, an iPod, and a video game. However, I am going to make him sugar cookies and decorate them with stuff he likes. Like one I'll decorate as a basketball, one as a video game controller, one with something medical-related, stuff like that. Then I'll do a few mushy heart ones ;-) I hope he likes them. I'll be working on them all this evening. I wish I could do something more, but, maybe I will be able to another day.

I was just a little bitty bit disappointed that I did not get a delivery at my office yesterday. I've never gotten Valentine's Day flowers before. . .I kinda wanted some. But, here's the thing, he helps a flower shop deliver on busy days like yesterday and I'm sure that he could get some sort of deal by getting flowers there, so maybe, just maybe, I still may get some. We'll see.

Ok I started talking about yesterday being a weird day and got a little sidetracked. The biggest thing about yesterday was that I went to the doctor. I had passed out almost 2 weeks ago and J was worried about me and kept on me to go, so I did. They did an EKG and took some blood. The EKG was fine and I'll hear about the blood test results sometime next week. I had been helping someone move that day and was a bit anxious about some stuff with J (we had a major miscommunication about something) and I honestly think I was dehydrated & my blood pressure may have been a bit out of whack since I went from sleeping to up and moving around (it was in the middle of the night). I don't really know. We'll see what comes out of the blood work.

Another thing that happened at the doctor was that I was once again perscribed an anti-depressant. That was the hardest part because I've been struggling with the idea of taking one again. It's been so difficult to admit and come to grips with the fact that I am not really okay and that it's okay to get help. I struggle with the thought that I really don't have anything to be depressed about. I have a job, I work with wonderful people, I have a church I like, friends, a boyfriend, a wonderful-loving family. . .there are so many people with tons more problems than what I have. But yet, I find it difficult to do anything but sit and watch TV when I get home from work. I can't let myself enjoy being at a basketball game with J. Having to gather up my laundry every two weeks and do it seems to be a huge chore that is almost impossible to do, I haven't been able to go to choir at all even after being really excited about it after the musical. I haven't been able to make myself get a part-time job so I can start making a dent in my credit cards nor been able to start the process of doing what I need to do to go to grad school. I just hate this overall feeling of being unhappy, having no motivation, and feeling like my life is meaningless right now. Goals I might have had have gone out the window. I don't know what I should be preparing for or working towards. And sometimes I get so sick of thinking of only myself. J got into the PA program and I didn't even think of doing something for him as a congratulations. Kids from his youth group got him a cake and are having a BBQ for him tomorrow. I didn't do anything. And he's been so great about trying to understand what I'm going through and being there for me.

In all this I still try to hope that God has something for me. That this isn't what he has in mind for me, that somehow I won't always be like this. I really, really hope.

I guess we'll see.

2008-02-12T14:24:00.000-06:00

I dog-sat over the weekend. It was fun. The dog is a boxer and is just the most wonderful, playful, loveable animals ever, even if she did want to wake me up at 3 am. And 6 am.
So I ended up having a really good weekend...one of the reasons for this was the fact that J came up to see me on Saturday. I didn't even know it until that morning. He had to work but came up after. I was so surprised. I didn't expect it at all. I didn't even want to ask him because I didn't think he'd want to especially because he had come up for Bible study this week. But he did and we got Applebee's carside-to-go and watched a movie. We also had a long talk while we ate, mainly about things going on with me. It's hard sometimes. . .he doesn't really get what I'm going through and he wants me to explain it fully but it's so hard to because half of the time I don't know why I feel the way I do or I can't figure out why I can't make myself do certain things. He tries to ask questions in order to understand but it doesn't help when I can't give a solid answer to the questions.

I loved that he came to see me though. I'm going to a nearby high school basketball game tonight. Should be fun, I think.

someone to talk to

2008-02-07T22:29:00.000-06:00

It's so hard not to look back at other relationships and realize that one of the things I miss about them is being able to really talk to the other person. And not always a deep, meaningful conversation but just whatever came up. There was one guy that I would spend hours and hours with, talking online, right up until we would finally go to bed. Same with another one, we'd be online or talk on the phone for hours and hours. We never wanted to hang up.

But now there's this relationship. I can barely get him to call me. When I call him, I always feel like I'm interrupting whatever he's doing, even if it's watching mystery science theatre, like tonight. Instead of spending hours on the phone, I'm lucky if we talk 15 minutes. It's been a difficult adjustment. When we hang up, I sit here and wish I had someone to talk to. I don't think "I'm glad we got to talk." It doesn't even seem to bother him.

I'm dog-sitting this weekend. To him I'm busy, so it's just a schedule conflict that will prevent us from seeing each other. I don't even bother to ask if he'd want to come up here because he's been up here twice in the last week and he has to work on Saturday. I hate feeling like I can't even ask. I hate that I just sit here figuring there's no chance of him even considering it.

blogging boredom

2008-02-04T22:35:00.000-06:00

I have realized that I have just gotten bored with this blogging thing. I always feel like I'm writing about the same things over and over again.
I am just going to give a brief overview of what has been going on:

1) I am learning how to budget! After Christmas I cut up the credit card I'd be using and now I'm living on only what I have which isn't a lot. I've been making it work although it's been really difficult not being able to go buy new clothes. I'm sick of my wardrobe. One thing I need to go ahead and do is get a part-time job. . .just to have a little extra $$ and also start making a significant dent in the credit card debt. I've been saying this since the first of January but have yet to fill out an application anywhere.

2) Things with J are hopefully getting better. This weekend we had a bit of a fight mainly because of some miscommunication. We're talking through it and going to work on the communication thing. We've been relying on text messaging too much and it's causing problems. I saw him tonight and we had a good time. Oh! He got into the physician's assistant program and will start school up here in June.

3) I'm trying to decide if I want to pursue applying to grad school for the fall. I may see about going part-time until my job is over and until I feel like finances will work out for me to go full-time.

4) Since I wrote about J's grandma being sick, I will give you an update. She got out of the hospital today and is feeling much better but is definitely tired so she still needs rest. But now, J's sister has a very contagious form of the flu so the doctor told her she needs to stay away from her 1-year old daughter for about 4 days. Her daughter (R) has been sick in the last few weeks as well, so hopefully she doesn't get sick again. J left Bible study early tonight to go take care of R so that his grandma (who was taking care of her) can rest until his parents get there to take care of her. So basically the whole family needs prayer and they are all basically sick, tired, and/or stressed. I really wish I could do something to help. It's difficult being far enough away that I can't just drive down there.

5) Ok now on a more personal note. . .I think depression has been hitting me pretty hard lately. I really am tired of it. . .I need to go to a doctor anyway and have been thinking about seeing about getting some medication. But it's hard to think about going back on medication. . .I don't know if I really want to. But we'll see.

Ok that's my life in a nutshell. If I ever have anything super exciting happen or some wonderful thoughts or ponderings I'll share.

J's grandma

2008-01-30T14:17:00.000-06:00

J just told me that his grandma is in the hospital with pnuemonia. Wanted to share in case anyone wants to send up a little prayer.

I get nervous when I hear older people get pnuemonia. . .but hopefully she'll be able to get over it even if it takes awhile.

Birthday Date Pictures

2008-01-27T19:45:00.000-06:00

Ok this one is a silly one but its still one of my favorites. And as you can see, I have bangs now! I feel all cute and trendy.

Ok this is pretty much my favorite one.

Sad

2008-01-22T17:42:00.000-06:00

I'm sad.

Heath Ledger died today. He was so talented. . .he was one of my favorite actors.

2008-01-20T17:01:00.000-06:00

I haven't been in much of a writing mood lately. Things have just continued to be so up and down around here that I don't even know where to begin.

My birthday was last week. It was really great. It was on the 8th. On the 7th, J came up and surprised me with a cake at Bible study. On the 8th, I went to a friend's house to have dinner. I got all these fun little kitchen gadgets, including a lemon zester. Then on that Friday, J took me to one of my favorite mexican restaurants and we went to a friend's house to have a couple pictures of us taken. Then we headed to wal-mart to get them printed out. He gave me a pretty silver cross necklace, a frame, and some Starbucks coffee. It was a really wonderful night! We dressed up and everything. He told me later that what he really wanted to do was buy us plane tickets to fly to IL to see my family. He is so good at stuff like that.

Unfortunately though, things have still been a little difficult. Mainly it has to do with Saturdays. . .it used to be that I could count on going down to his place to see him. I purposely kept my day free so I could. Lately though, instead of it being a day he gets to see me, it has become a day that he gets everything done that he needs to get done. And most of the time I feel like I'm in the way of that. It's been very frustrating especially because I don't feel like I'm saying I want some super special day all the time; I just want him to say "I want to see you." Even if we end up just hanging out at his apartment, I like being there with him.
This weekend was, I guess mainly a misunderstanding. He asked if I wanted to go with him to the HS basketball game on Friday but I had already said I'd help some people move and unpack. He made it sound like he had plans on Saturday so when I asked what they were, he said he needed to clean his office and was going to watch basketball. I was so upset about that. Maybe I didn't have any right to be, but I couldn't understand why there wasn't some way we could hang out anyway; he knows I enjoy watching sports. Later, after a day of very short, angry-toned text messages, we talked. He said he had made plans with someone to actually go watch a basketball tournament. Then I was just mad that he didn't tell me that.
More often than not I feel like he doesn't care whether or not he sees me and I'm irritated that we're only an hour away from each other and I can't even count on seeing him. He doesn't include me in his plans. He makes his plans first, then if I fit into them, then ok, if not, he won't adjust his plans at all even when it would be possible. He makes it seem like he needs time to be able to spend with his friends, which is totally understandable but lately that's all that happens. It's like he would rather be around anyone but me. He says this isn't true but his actions are saying otherwise. I feel like that we really have to make it a point to see each other and it shouldn't be that difficult; we're only an hour away from each other. Sure not as easy as if we were in the same town, but easier than being 3, 4, 5+ hours away.

We're still both trying. He told me that he cares about me more than he has anyone and thinks we have real potential as a long-term couple. And I agree with him, but we both know in order for that to happen, we have to keep working through all this stuff. It is hard. I didn't know it would be this hard. But something inside of me says it's worth it.

I hope it is.

Politics & such

2008-01-10T17:38:00.000-06:00

I come from a fairly conservative Republican family. My dad is very outspoken about his Republican beliefs. My sister and her husband think George W. Bush is the most wonderful President ever.

As I watch continuing coverage of the primaries, I have come to a not very surprising conclusion: I think I just might be a Democrat.

GASP!

I still think I'm more middle of the road on a lot of things but . . . over the years, I've started leaning more and more towards the left.

I guess we'll see.

So. . .my birthday was this week. It was a very good birthday. I went over to a friend's house for dinner and J surprised me with a cake on Monday at Bible study. Tomorrow night he's taking me to dinner. It was a great day.

Things have been a little weird lately. I am still having trouble trusting Jason. And most of it has to do with little things like wondering if he really does want to talk to me or be around me. I'm trusting him more with big things like telling him my struggles with faith and depression. But I still manage to freak out about little things. So I am faced with the task of really changing how I think; he has never done anything to make me believe I can't trust him. I still have times when I am scared, though, that he will end up being like everyone else. I have to let go of that and stop being afraid.

I'm trying. God and I have been having a lot of conversations lately. I know I can't do this on my own. My church's pastor is doing a sermon series on the twelve steps. And I'm working right along with it when it comes to letting go of my fear. I'm continuing on my journey.

Happy New Year

2008-01-02T12:45:00.000-06:00

I know people usually get all contemplative about a New Year, hoping maybe there are things they will change about themselves (diet, exercise, job, attitude, etc), or reflecting on the year before hoping that the new one will be different.

I started thinking yesterday that my journey will continue...ok yes I know that sounds obvious but there is something inside of me that is thinking of how this journey of my life that I'm on will continue. And it will not be easy. I still wonder if I'm so screwed up that I will never recover but somehow I'm hopeful that maybe I will.

And maybe I'm supposed to actually let people help me. Something is changing. I am changing. I don't even know what I'm talking about.

Here's to a new year. Whatever it may hold.

Christmas recap and some other stuff too

2007-12-27T11:41:00.000-06:00

We pulled into my parents driveway in the wee hours of Saturday morning at 3:30 am. It was a long drive. I couldn't really sleep any so I was up by 8:30 getting ready to make truffles and broccoli & rice casserole.
I loved spending time with my family. It's so precious to me now that I don't get to see them as often. My sister and her family came to mom and dad's and we had lunch and then opened presents. I had made a couple little scarves for my sister and a little purse for my neice. They both liked those. Dad loved his White Christmas DVD. And mom loved her sunflower photos. Oh and my nephew LOVED his Star Wars DVD I got him. I haven't found out but that was the goal for everyone to get him one so he could get all of them. I got my olive oil bottle, sushi kit (complete with the seaweed), blender, a set of my dishes, and a book filled with thousands of questions about movies. And I do mean thousands. It's a lot of fun.
Then we got to head over to see my brother's new place and the church where he works. We hung out at the little coffee shop and played scrabble for awhile. I lost. I stink at scrabble.
J loves my mom's yeast dinner rolls and my grandma's banana split cake. We brought some back with us. We headed over to my grandparents to eat lunch with them on Sunday before heading back to Kansas. Then we spent Christmas Eve with his dad's side of the family and Christmas day with his mom's side. It was really fun. I missed being with my own family, of course, but everyone was so nice and welcoming I still felt at home. I think that was the best thing of all. I've been around his mom's side of the family more and I'm starting to pick up more on the little quirks of that side. His dad's side is more laid back and jokes around with each other. His dad's mom is in poor health but her mind is still really sharp and she's hilarious. J's other grandma is as sweet as can be but also is very good at ordering people around. ;-)

J and I got to talk a lot on the trip. We discussed many things about our relationship. I've really got to work on getting to a point where I trust him. It's been really difficult lately; my fear of him being like every one else is affecting us actually growing as a couple. I feel like there's a lot of things I need to work on.
I've been thinking about ways I can change the way I think about things. I've started thinking more about the qualities that I really love about J. He told me things that he really likes about me and I was encouraged because they are a lot of the things I like about myself and feel I have to offer to someone.
We also discussed some faith stuff. He has always had very pleasant church experiences and he really doesn't understand completely how and why church can be difficult for me. Especially when it comes to not always liking the United Methodist Church. Although, I can definitely say now that my beliefs line up more with the UMC than with any other denomination really. And things with the church here really seem to be different than in IL. There really is more of an emphasis on grace and acceptance.

So now there are lots of things to continue to think and talk about. I think my number one prayer right now is that I stop being afraid. I want to stop being afraid of my relationship with J, stop being afraid of my money situation and what it's going to take to fix it (I did finally re-cut up my credit card), and stop being afraid of really letting God be in control of my life.

I will not let fear rule my life.

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

2007-12-21T14:31:00.000-06:00

The crazy (but wonderful) Christmas traveling will begin today. J and I are leaving for Illinois this afternoon. We're going to mom and dad's to spend Saturday and part of Sunday with them, then we'll head back to Kansas to spend Christmas Eve with his dad's side of the family, then Christmas day with his mom's side. I think it'll end up being that we travel about 20 hours driving. Sounds like so much fun huh?
But I am excited. I'm going to make biscotti and truffles tomorrow and open presents! And later on tonight down the road will be a stop at Steak-n-Shake. Woohoo!!!

I am trying not to think about the fact that this will be the first year EVER that I haven't been at my grandparents for Christmas. We are stopping by there on Sunday but still. It's weird to have another family to be around. Extremely weird. I am not worried about his mom's side; I've met all of them before. But I've never met any of his dad's side. So I'm going to end up being nervous, I'm sure.

Merry Christmas!!!!

ElfYourself

2007-12-13T18:16:00.000-06:00

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1373148749

This is funny. Had to, of course, include J in this! It may be the only time I get to dance with him ;-)

Normal?

2007-12-12T19:37:00.000-06:00

So after a few months now of feeling like crap, the last two few days I have felt better. What's funny? I'm waiting to go back to being my depressed self. . .except days of having a good day at work, laughing and talking to people, going out to dinner with co-workers and being cheering and outgoing. . .I wonder if that really is who I am. Will there be a day when the real, happy, outgoing me will be the norm instead of the sad, down, depressed me? I guess I will hold on to the hope that it will.

One of the girls from work had her little son with her. He's about 20 months old and absolutely adorable. He's trying to say like every word he can including "crustacean." We were at a Chinese/Sushi place that had fresh lobsters. Leave it to me to put some science into his brain ;-)
The poor thing has been sick and was a little grumpy so I took him for awhile so his mom could get her food put in the to-go box and pay her bill and it made me think only one thing and I will only say it really quick then put it away and not think about it anymore....I want to be a mom.

Ok time to continue my good day! I am going to watch TV and maybe have some peppermint-schnapps spiked hot chocolate even though I'm full from the sushi.

no idea

2007-12-11T18:55:00.000-06:00

I have no idea what to get J for Christmas. I honestly never even thought I'd have the chance. . .(which is another issue altogether, why I keep thinking it's going to come to an end any day now) and now I have no idea.

He loves James Bond movies so I bought him two of those he doesn't have. But I don't want that to be all I get him. I'm trying to think of everything I know he likes but I can't come up with anything! There is something I know he'd like but it requires a long drive to get it and I am carless (something from the pottery shop). And something else I know he wants costs too much. I'd get it for him but I don't have the money (an iPod nano). I have no idea what he is getting me or how much he is spending on me.

Time is running out. And I'm stuck. He won't give me any ideas either. I'll keep thinking.

2007-12-10T09:27:00.000-06:00

I really am tired of feeling the way I do. I'm tired of my funk. It's causing even the simplest of tasks to feel like huge chores and most of the time I just want the comfort of my nice warm bed especially when I really am supposed to be up getting ready for work.
The sermon in church yesterday was good. The pastor basically talked about how for a lot of people, Christmas isn't joyful; it's a time when the pain of losing someone or something bad that's happened seems to come out more. We have to remember that and not be ashamed to let ourselves feel. I'm feeling like that now; there are some things about Christmas I'm looking forward to and even though I know I really have no reason to be down, overall I am and I'll just look for the glimmers of light that come through the funk.

This weekend I went to J's cousin's graduation with his family. Saturday was a LONG day. The normal 2 1/2 hour drive to Manhattan became about 4 because of the bad weather. The roads weren't too bad but we still had to be cautious. Same way with the drive back. By the time we got home everyone was exhausted and tense. Then my truck started acting up about 8 miles from J's house. I had to drive back to his place hoping I'd make it; I didn't want to risk driving all the way home or get stuck somewhere on the side of the road. And because he wouldn't have any time at all to take me home on Sunday, he took me that night. He got home a little after 1. I felt bad because I knew he had a long day on Sunday, as usual, and he had already driven all day. He's going to try to take my truck to get looked at today. . .although the weather is supposed to get bad again so I don't know if he'll get to.
One thing I always think about when these things happen is my financial situation. I'm almost 27 years old and I will be asking my parents for money to get my truck fixed. And because of my irresponsible choices with money, I will not get a different vehicle for a very very very long time.

Even with my funk, I'm trying to remember things I'm thankful for and that make me happy. Here's a few things I'm thankful for:

1) I'm thankful for an amazing boyfriend who will drive me home at midnight when there's ice starting to fall even after driving all day and he is exhausted. And I'm thankful that he really is someone I can trust and talk to even when I still have a hard time of it. And he's good at driving in winter weather so that means I won't have to :-)

2) I'm thankful that even with my truck broken down it's not affecting me too much. I can walk to work as usual and the grocery store is right next door. And now I have friends who I can call if I do need to go somewhere, like church yesterday (J MADE me call and ask to get a ride, it was extremely annoying, but I am glad I got to go, it was the first time I sang in the choir) and Bible study tonight.

3) I'm thankful for heat. Last winter in the apartment I was in, the little window unit heater didn't do such a great job. Even though I still seem to feel cold when it is 72 degrees in my apartment, I'm thankful I have a better heater and can warm up a little better.

Here are some things that make me happy:

1) Hot cocoa (and the occassional addition of peppermint schnapps)
2) My Christmas tree. It's bright and as J said, fancy.
3) Curling up on my couch and watching White Christmas. What will make me even happier is if I can get J to actually watch it with me at some point ;-)
4) Painting a kind of abstract butterfly. . .I haven't had much luck with the painting thing but I really like how it turned out.
5) Knitting. I am now working on the third little accessory scarf that I am just having a blast making. Very simple and I love sitting around the table with the ladies at the office during our daily coffee break; almost everyone sits around and knits!

Speaking of which, it's time for it now!

My goal today is just to remember to be thankful and enjoy the moments of light. . .

My favorite picture

2007-12-06T20:29:00.000-06:00

This fall, I drove by two huge sunflower fields outside of J's town. I borrowed his camera and took about 4 rolls of film so that I could give a few of them to my mom for Christmas. I finally developed them this week and got them back to discover there were several very good ones. My favorite? This one of a monarch butterfly. I have a few with the butterflies; I think I will make a photo collage for myself.

I love butterflies.

better

2007-11-28T15:49:00.000-06:00

I feel a little bad for looking forward to Wednesday afternoons. This is the day that my boss teaches a class and leaves at 3:30. So unless there is just something pressing to do, I admit it: I goof off.
Including writing this :-)

So surprise, surprise, I feel better. I sent J an e-mail on Monday that managed to completely lift my spirits. I started remembering the things I have to look forward to and the things that make me, ME. One of the things that make me, me, will happen after work. I will defy the idea that women can not fix cars and replace my serpentine belt in my truck. It completely split in two last night around 11:30 as I was driving home from visiting J. It was great. . ..Haha! Now I admit that by the time I get the belt on, I will probably be a little pissed off but oh well. The final step of getting it on is the most difficult and I'll be rushing to get it done before its dark. But I'll do it.

Anyway, between writing the e-mail and the discussion we had after he read it, I am definitely feeling better. It still seems a little weird for me to think about it but J and I are, I think, taking steps to really figure out our relationship and where it's going. I guess you could say we're digging into it a little deeper. I know it's not going to be easy but I think it'll be good, whatever ends up happening.

2007-11-25T12:34:00.000-06:00

I probably don't read as many as other people, but there are definitely a number of blogs I read regularly. One of them is by a woman who has cancer. One is by a woman who is a recovering addict. One is by a woman who at the age of 25 is a widow. And one is by a woman who after almost a whole lifetime of believing in God, is now an atheist. Besides the blogs of friends I read, those are the main four I always check.

Reading the one by the woman with cancer makes me feel awful for thinking my life is so awful. Reading the one by the young widow makes me feel awful that I was so upset by moving to a new place only to be dumped. Reading the one by the atheist makes me scared that even after a lifetime of believing there is a chance of not. And reading the one by the addict. . .gives me hope.

I've definitely been depressed lately. It's very frustrating because I always have this feeling of not having any reason to be. I have a roof over my head, I have food in my refridgerator. . .I am not lacking anything. On Friday I helped one of the guys in our Bible study help his sister with cleaning and laundry. It was one of the worst things I've seen. The house was a disaster. Holes in the walls, dried egg from when the kids threw eggs at the walls, dirty diapers just laying around. We ended up loading up the back of my truck with bags of clothes that were no longer wearable. Even then there were about 15 loads of laundry to do. And even though there is barely enough money to buy food for the 6 kids, there is enough to buy beer and cigarettes, a big-screen TV and have digital cable. I told the guy that I'd be willing to help out again. The biggest obstacle is going to be trying to teach their mother how to manage. No point in getting the place cleaned up only for it to become like it was before. I don't know if it'll work. I pray to God it does.

It made me scared of what life can do to people. I think what makes me even more scared is that I wonder sometimes if it's all worth it or if there's anything really to look forward to.

Yesterday I got to thinking that one of the things I'm scared of is never being happy here. I'm scared that I will end up staying and always regret it. And that I'll always wish I was somewhere or someone else. I pray that doesn't happen. Although I can feel it already happening.

Christmas is coming. I have my decorations up, lights outside but I'm not at all excited.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm so tired of being like this.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2007-11-22T10:12:00.000-06:00

It's Thanksgiving!!!

I love Thanksgiving. I love the whole holiday season. Except for the crazy shopping. I feel sorry for the people who have to go to work tomorrow at 5 am (or earlier!) and deal with crazy people. J's mom goes to the stores at 5 am. I used to want to go shopping the day after Thanksgiving but not anymore.

Ok but that's not today :-D. Today I get to have french toast for breakfast, make an apple pie, and spend Thanksgiving with J's family. And I get to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving parade! I never get to watch much of it because we're always traveling to grandma's.

And as much as I get tired of the crazy shopping (or rather, the way that shopping for the holidays makes people crazy and forget what it's all supposed to be about) I wouldn't mind taking a trip up to Kansas City to do some real shopping. Wichita doesn't have many good stores. I don't know if I'll get to do that or not.

Anyway, I'm excited for today and I went ahead and got out my Christmas decorations (I think I may have to get a few more) and listened to Trans-Siberian Orchestra.

One thing I have thought about is Advent. I've never paid much attention to it. We're going to do an Advent study at the office and I have an Advent calendar with different Bible passages to read everyday. Maybe I'll do that.

Hope you all have a wonderful day!!!

About the letter

2007-11-21T13:52:00.000-06:00

Well J and I talked last night about the letter. It was a good, productive conversation. He asked me questions about the things I wrote about and even if it was difficult, I answered honestly.

Both of us have at least one thing we have to work on. I have to work on actually trusting him. I told him that I don't trust him completely because I am still scared that he will end up being like everyone else. I'm working on it. I've been more willing to open up and tell him things and realizing that he isn't like everyone else. And even if down the road we realize we aren't meant for each other that doesn't mean I can't trust him.
He has to work on his attitude that because he is the guy, he always has to be strong. He doesn't want to show that he has a weakness which is why it's been so hard for him to admit that he has been struggling with being depressed over the last few months. So I hope for both of us, over time, we will overcome these things.

I do feel better about things. He asked really good questions that helped me think through how I was feeling. And he didn't make me feel badly about any of it either. I was glad of that.

I am heading down to his grandparents' tomorrow to spend Thanksgiving with his family. Of course, I will miss being with my family but I am looking forward to it. I'm making apple pie! Yummy!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

What a weekend

2007-11-18T09:21:00.000-06:00

This was a interesting, crazy, wonderful weekend.

My parents and sister came on Friday and went to the musical on Saturday. We just chilled out Saturday morning. We ate french toast and bacon for breakfast, had a little snack at Panera bread, went to Target, and ate dinner at Chipotle. J came too.

J came to the musical on Friday night and he brought me flowers. He was so excited and happy for me. Which made me feel bad because I had written him a letter about some things I was really frustrated about. I didn't want to give it to him. But I did anyway. . .he read it right away. One of the things that has been bothering me is the fact that he doesn't really talk to me but he'll talk to other people about what is going on with him. He doesn't want to burden me with it all (I found this out from the person he told), but him not being open with me has made me upset and makes me not want to be open with him. So anyway, we'll see what happens with that. He took me out to lunch today and I'm spending Thanksgiving with his family so I think everything will be ok. There's just some stuff we need to work on.

I loved having my family here. The musical was awesome. And hopefully J and I will work on the things we need to work on.

Thoughts, part 1

2007-11-14T13:49:00.000-06:00

Fiddler starts tomorrow! We had a dress rehearsal last night and there's another one tonight. I think it'll go well although it just seemed like a mess last night. I hope tonight goes better. There are several things I have to move on and off stage and I kept forgetting. Oh well.

I got my dress finished and it turned out really good! I'll make sure to get a picture and I'll post it.

I have had so many things on my mind lately. Not any real problems or issues, just thoughts and general wonderings.

Lately it's been difficult to wrap my head around the fact that I am still in Kansas. I think back to a year ago and remember how I was convinced I was going to move back to Illinois at Thanksgiving. Even went as far as quitting my job. I think I just wanted an excuse to quit so I could go home for Thanksgiving. The thought of spending the holidays alone were too much to handle. But I stayed. And now it seems I will be sticking around for awhile. I will be here at least another year for work but most likely more to go to grad school. Ultimately I think I'll be ok with it, but I also know that it will take a long time before it feels even close to "home." It still feels so temporary. I don't know for sure what will happen with J. I don't know if I'll get into grad school. If you told me right now that neither of those things would work out, I'd start looking forward to next November when I could move, even if I was willing to wait that long. Lots of people can print letters and make up excel spreadsheets.

I still don't like that everytime I think about how I got to Kansas, I think of D. I probably always will. I know as time goes on, it will be less. I have a feeling I'll always wonder how the kids are. Of course, I think you always wonder about people who have been a part of your life. There are other people I wonder about as well.

But so much has happened over the last year and a half. Things that are good. I have J, I have friends here, I really like (and miss!) my Bible study group, I am going to join the choir at church, and although my job is incredibly boring at times, I love the people I work with. There's one lady that every once in awhile, we'll have a good conversation. Really there's potential all around me. I have the potential to have close relationships, be involved at church, and really have a life here. Sometimes, though, I think I still struggle with it being a life that isn't what I thought it would be. I've struggled with that for years and I know it's common. Sometimes I still wish I was traveling around singing or living in NYC, performing on Broadway. There have been times during the musical when I notice a kid or two that really has talent and a lot of potential and see how their parents are encouraging it, and it's frustrating because I didn't get the same encouragement. But I see ways to still do things I enjoy even if it's not on such a grand scale. The director of the musical is the choir director at church and he has encouraged me to join. There will be more of these little productions and who's to say I won't get a chance to sing and perform more often. We'll see.

Ok that's it for now. More thoughts later.

2007-11-09T12:26:00.000-06:00

A few weeks ago when I went bowling with J's youth group, we also went to a church service before hand. The pastor spoke about basically being content & making the best out of your circumstances, using the passage Jeremiah 11 as an illustration. The people had been exiled to Babylon and, through Jeremiah, they were told by God to. . .well, live their lives. They had jobs, families and watched their children marry and have their own children. I think it was 70 years they were there. I'm sure they dreamed of their home (Israel) and probably sat around and complained about being stuck in Babylon but they lived anyway. They were told that God had a plan for them and they believed it (Ok I know the Bible may not mention this but I'm sure they had their moments of not believing it, they did have a history of it & it is a bit of human nature).

J reminded me of this last night when I was telling him about how upside down and out of it I still feel at times. As excited I was about being in the musical, I'm ready to perform it and get it over with. Actually, I have fixed feelings. I am excited about the performances. I am ready for it. I'm excited about my dress that is coming along wonderfully. I finally get my old-fashioned costume. On the other hand, I'm ready to start going back to Bible study. I miss it.

It's a gorgeous day here today. But as beautiful it is, I still imagine in my head how beautiful the mountains of Colorado are. It's still sometimes hard not to think about it and wish I was there. Especially when I remember the way I got here in the first place. But then, it's hard to say that because of all that has happened. J. . .the musical. . .I am going to start singing in the choir at church. None of that would've happened if I hadn't come. Hell, one of these days I may end up having to thank D! (Ok let's not go that far)

I think that still being uncertain of what my life will hold (and I know everyone is uncertain) is hard. I will be 27 in January and I don't feel like I have accomplished anything. I still feel like I'm still waiting for my life to start.
But I am still hopeful. I am still hoping to go to grad school in a year. My relationship with J is still growing. I've seen that in how I have been able to open up to him more, especially in the last week. He's more helpful than I thought he would be. Although, he used a cliche Christian phrase last night but I told him that I hated it. :-) He understood. It has sometimes been difficult for me to believe he can handle all my issues.

So even with the uncertainty, I will still be hopeful. And remember to be thankful. Because I know I do have a lot to be thankful for. And lots to look forward to.

2007-11-08T12:04:00.000-06:00

I am almost finished with my costume! All I have to do is hem the skirt and put on the buttons. And if I can't figure out how to do the button holes, then I will sew on the buttons and just use velcro to fasten the bodice. The audience doesn't have to know! :-)
The show is next week. It's on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. And, of course, there are rehearsals every night next week. And my parents, sister, and brother are all coming!

I started thinking last night about how I miss being busy. Work isn't very busy right now and I just get bored so easily, it seems. And even with the musical, I don't have much going on. I haven't had to commit to anything outside of regular rehearsals since I don't have a big part. What's funny is that I'm sure at some point I'll look back and miss not being busy! I have decided that I'm going to join the choir at church. I think that'll be good and maybe help me to get to know some more people there. I will probably try to find a job after the new year as well. And I think I am going to try and get into sewing more. I want to make some skirts and maybe even try a jacket/blazer type thing.

I feel bad for J though. Cause he is busy. The nursing home is short staffed so everyone has to work overtime. He has been working one or two 12-hour shifts a week. Plus 2 after-school programs for two churches and youth group. And on top of all that he's been sick this week. He really hasn't gotten a chance to rest much, I don't think. I wish I could do something for him. Which I'm sure he thinks I've done enough since he started getting sick after he saw me on Saturday...my throat was a bit sore. Apparently, he gets sick very easily. All I did was sit next to him on the couch (seriously).
There's a lock-in on Saturday that I'm helping with. I will try to do as much as I can for him but may just end up being the person yelling at the kids (his voice is about gone, of course, I have to be careful too!) if any of the "couples" start getting to cozy. Which is bound to happen considering it's a movie-themed lock-in. There will be movies going on in 3 or 4 different rooms. Fun idea, huh? There's even going to be a concession stand.

I've been feeling very ho-hum lately. I know I shouldn't whine about it but it's hard not to sometimes. Oh well. I'll just try to enjoy it and find things to do.

2007-11-05T10:39:00.000-06:00

Apparently, my unwillingness to go to church wasn't just last week. . .I woke up thinking it was after 10 only to realize I had forgotten about the time change it was only after 9. I still didn't want to go. I am not sure why. It's weird especially since I had gotten to a point where I really wanted to go. Oh well. I didn't beat myself up over it. I tried to have a bit of quiet time. But all that ended up being was reading a little passage out of the Bible and saying a little prayer. It was all I could muster. I did have a nice relaxing day though.
I had rehearsal and I had thought that I'd try to go to the 5:30 service but I got done with practice at 3 and couldn't find something to waste 2 1/2 hours. I went to a couple of stores nearby but it was too tempting. I kept finding things I wanted but knew I couldn't buy them so I decided that it would be better for me to just go home. Then I just chilled; I watched what was left of the Patriots-Colts game (it was a good one, both teams were undefeated, now just the Patriots still are), cleaned up my apartment, ate some pizza, then remember that I have a dress to make!
I don't remember if I mentioned it but I am making my costume for Fiddler on the Roof. I got the bodice pieces put together and the collar on. I put on a musical while I was working and ended up working until almost midnight! I completely lost track of time.

Days like yesterday and not wanting to go to church always make me think about my whole spiritual life, my thoughts about church, and just faith in general. I got to thinking (again) about what it really means to have a relationship with Christ. I'm still not sure what it means exactly. Except that I think I know more now what it means to rely on him. I don't think I would've made it through this year without him. Well I guess I could've made it but I don't know if I would be in a good place. I find myself restless at times, wishing there were things I could do to live out my faith more. Not because it's what I'm supposed to do but because I just really want to. I feel like all I do is think of myself and it gets tiring!

What's church? Is it just a Sunday morning event? Or is it something more? I was reading the first couple chapters of Acts and found it interesting that the early believers just came together, broke bread (i.e. fellowship), and worshipped. Is that what we do on Sunday morning? Or Saturday night (As many churches are having services that night)? Sometimes it seems that there is such an emphasis on going to a church service as if that is the number one evidence of faith...but is it really? Or is it just one factor in the midst of several things that are evidence of faith? If a church is supposed to help people get connected into a community of believers, what happens when that doesn't happen? Am I asking this because its never happened to me? I've never felt like I truly belonged in any church community. I have found places that I like to go as far as the church service but I've never belonged. I've always felt like an outsider. Of course, growing up no church was "mine," it was just where dad was the pastor at the time. It didn't take long for me to figure out that the Illinois United Methodism that I was surrounded with (ok really just one group in particular) demanded me live up to a set of standards I couldn't live up to.
Am I using it all as an excuse?

a few little revelations

2007-11-01T07:56:00.000-06:00

Last night I went to J's youth group meeting and helped cook a meal. It was the birthday of his foreign exchange student so he wanted to make a dish from his native country (Thailand).
He found a recipe and I told him that I could pick up anything that he couldn't get down where he lived. There are several asian markets (I now know of 3 just within a mile or two of my apartment) so I could easily pick up hard to find ingredients. I got the things that he said he couldn't get at a regular grocery store only to get to the church to have him ask me "where's the rest of the stuff?" Apparently he thought I was picking up everything right down to the green onions! I was very proud of myself; I calmly explained that I thought he was getting that stuff and that it was my understanding I was only getting things that he couldn't get at the grocery store. I did apologize for forgetting to bring the garlic though; I had said that I'd bring that since I already had some.
Anyway, there was someone he called that could go pick up the rest of it, so it worked out ok. I did think it was funny though because no one was surprised that there was a miscommunication; apparently a few of the adults have had their moments of confusion with him. I'll have to remember that.
So now I know that I just have to make sure we're very clear on plans and who's responsible for what. I'm glad it turned out ok though. It was a lot of fun.

It got me to thinking about how everyone has their own talents and things they like to do. . .the last few weeks I've really realized I love to cook. I really do. And not just the end result of the meal but the process of cooking. I always make a huge mess but that's part of the fun. I don't like feeling rushed about it because the whole process is theraputic. I also love that J will help me clean up! :-) I love trying new things and using fresh, different ingredients. I'm not sure why this surprises me so much.

Another thing I started thinking of has to do with a comment one of the other adults made last night. I needed help lighting the stove (I really am afraid of sticking a match down through the little grate while the gas is on) so asked someone to light it but then needed another one lit a little bit later and he said "boy you sure are demanding." I knew he was joking but in an effort to keep myself from actually thinking I was being too demanding I said "I'm just at take charge individual." Of course, this isn't true, but what's funny is the guy said "Good, J needs a take charge kind of woman!" I thought this was interesting. J is a very type-A organized individual. But I have noticed (and after getting some insight from other people) that he can also be a bit of a flake. Which, I guess, is just his 23-year-old guy-ness coming out. Sometimes it's frustrating. It's good to know about though so I can learn how to deal with it. One way I don't want to deal with it is by being a nag about things. I cringe everytime one (or all) of the women around here start talking about their husbands like they're idiots. I don't want to be like that! I'm sure in some ways it's inevitable but I don't want to just assume he can't do things for himself or that I'll always have to handle things myself. I don't think it would really be like with him but I think we both have the tendency to be passive about some things and may help each other out in that area.

One thing about last night was seeing how much he truly loves being a youth pastor. He loves working with the kids and really wants to help them and be there for them. Last night after I got home he called me and talked to me about some of the different kids and what is going on with them and how he's trying to help. One thing that has been happening lately is a few of the boys just come over to play video games (that's what happened the Saturday I was there and ended up making tacos; they still talk about it). Oh my last week one of the guys said something like "if you two get married, you're going to start off with like 6 kids." I just laughed and thought "if only you knew how ironic that really was." I like getting to hang out with them from time to time. It's a bunch of guys. I haven't hung out with any of the girls really, that intimidates me a little more. I do get to help with a lock-in soon though! Eek!

So going back to what I was saying before, married women, I have a question (or two) for you. . . .in what ways does your husband step up that you really appreciate? And in what ways does his "guy-ness" come out that annoys you and how do you deal with it?

Happy Halloween!!!

2007-10-31T11:53:00.000-06:00

To hell with thinking Halloween is an evil holiday. It's FUN!

Happy Halloween!

Love, Marilyn

2007-10-28T09:33:00.000-06:00

There is a song that my dad's southern gospel singing group always sang called "Excuses." It was all these "excuses" people used to explain not going to church. I think us kids always liked it because it was a little more fun than the other songs.
That song pops into my head sometimes when I don't go to church. Like this morning. My excuse? I went last night! ;-)
One one hand I think it's a little funny that I will remember that song but then it's also a bit annoying that there's still something in me that will always make myself feel bad about not going on Sunday morning. Even if I went the night before.
Anyway, I went last night with J's youth group. He brought them up for a service at one of the United Methodist churches, then dinner and bowling. It was fun. I rode go-karts! I think I've maybe done that like once before. And the best part? I beat J at bowling!!!! I haven't bowled in probably about 2 years. What's really funny is at one point I said something about beating him and he said "I've seen you kick a soccer ball, I doubt you can bowl very well." I got a strike the very first time. I was excited. All his youth group kids were cheering me on to beat him.

It was fun but a little weird. I am already still a little shy around him sometimes but when I'm around him and other people. . .I'm even more so. I think I know why. . .and guess who it has to do with? Yes, that's right. Grrr. I think I'm afraid that he has some expectation of what I'm supposed to be like and he'll somehow find something wrong. Grrr. I hate that I still think like that. I mean he's never given me any reason to think he has that messed up attitude.

I will try not to worry about it. And at some point I'll talk to him about it.

2007-10-24T14:58:00.000-06:00

I'm a little bored with this blog thing. I don't have anything to write about. Nothing of importance.

Musical is going well. . .it's getting to be crunch time now. We perform in less than a month! I'm going to make my own costume. I'm excited. I am not excited, however, about the fact that I have rehearsal tomorrow night and will have to miss Ugly Betty and Grey's Anatomy.

I think I may give up once and for all on eating healthy.

I made tacos for 6 people on Saturday. I went to J's and 3 youth group kids (plus the foreign exchange student) randomly showed up. It was fun! We also watched The Sixth Sense and made cookies.

I have realized that I get defensive of pastors when I hear people saying negative things about them. This includes when J speaks negatively of his pastor (and I don't even know her!) and says that he could do a better job of running the church than she does (plus I just think he's being arrogant). I haven't figure out a nice way to tell them that though.

As much as I like doing the musical, I really miss going to Bible study.

Ok that's enough.

So happy...

2007-10-16T13:40:00.000-06:00

To quote Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday, "So happpyyy."

Today I got a wonderful special surprise. J sent me flowers! They were waiting for me at my office when I got back from lunch!!! They're so pretty!!! I was so excited!!! I was so surprised!!!

We met 6 months ago.

I left a message on his voicemail to tell him thank you and that I would have a constant smile on my face for the rest of the day. Everytime I look at the flowers I smile like an idiot.

I've never gotten flowers from a guy before. . .I think that makes it even better!

Better Sunday

2007-10-14T18:16:00.000-06:00

Well I am now stocked with blood-type friendly foods including soy milk creamer and dried cranberries. Unfortunately I also have hummus which I thought was ok only to look on my list of forbidden foods and find that the main ingredient (chickpeas) is on it. Bummer. So then I just bought some pita chips to eat with it until its gone. :-)

This Sunday hasn't been nearly as bad as last Sunday. I haven't done much today but it's not as much of a lonely day. I went to church this morning. It was an example of what the new Saturday night service is like. I liked it although I don't think I'd be able to do it all the time. It's more relaxed and experiential, which is cool, but there's not as much music which I'd miss. The sermon was about the kingdom of God and how it can show up in subtle ways in our everyday life. And how we can make it happen. God is always wooing us to him and we, in turn, can help show other people that. Yesterday, I saw wild turkeys. I don't think I've ever seen wild turkeys before. Today I saw a swan as I drove home from the grocery store. All afternoon it's been raining and now there's a full-blown thunderstorm going on. I forget to see these little things in creation that remind me of God.
And I wonder, how can be someone to show that to other people? I feel like I talk a lot but don't do anything. I get so wrapped up in my own life that I forget about all the other people around me. I'm not really sure how. In my worry about going to BF's church yesterday I missed the chance to do something for him. I stopped by Sonic to get something to drink and realized I never even thought of getting him anything even though he always gets me something.
The thing at his church was fun. I went and I'm glad I did. I like seeing him around his youth group kids; I think it's really great he's been around for as along as he has been. I really believe he's made a great impact on a lot of them.

Oh I'm so sad! He asked me if I had rehearsal on Tuesday because he wanted to come up and take me out. It's been 6 months! And guess what? I have rehearsal. It's the first time I've had it on a Tuesday. I'm so sad. It was funny, he was like "I just go by the first time we met, I don't really know what date to consider it official." Works for me. :-) I haven't dated anyone for 6 months before. Even the thing with D didn't last 6 months. Oh wow. . .I have been dating J (ok it's time to upgrade to his first initial) for longer than the whole time start to finish with D. That's so cool. Even though things have still been difficult here, it's been more than I could ever have thought.

One interesting thing: J is getting a foreign exchange student. The student had been living with a family but the couple is getting a divorce so they're moving him. I hope it works out well. I think it'll be neat; he's from Taiwan. I'm sure it'll be better for him.

Ok time to brave the rain (ok, enjoy walking in the rain) and go get my laundry.

2007-10-12T12:17:00.000-06:00

Last night I finally fell asleep sometime after 12:30. I woke up to the sound of a garbage truck around 5 then was in and out of sleep until I got out of bed to get ready for work.
And just like every other day this week I'm tired. Very tired. And my head is hurting.

I've been thinking of some things I could do to help me sleep so I may start to give those a try (including your suggestions Jamillah).

I keep thinking about the good old diet and exercise stuff. . .I may try going back to avoiding red meat, getting soy milk, and sticking with fruits, veggies, and rice (i.e. blood type diet). I do remember having more energy and feeling better when I did it. So we'll see. . .can't hurt right?

But even trying to do something to address the physical stuff, what about the rest of me? Something seems to be affecting the rest of me but I don't know what it is.

Oh I would do anything right now to just go home and sleep.

what's wrong

2007-10-11T22:26:00.000-06:00

Something is wrong but I can't quite put my finger on it. It's 11:30 and I've been trying to go to bed since 10. I've been tired all day but once it's actually time to sleep I can't. It's been like this all week.
I am still so alone here. Nothing seems right anymore. I feel all unsettled and uneasy. I don't know what's wrong with me.
I feel like I have a million thoughts running around in my head but as soon as I try to sort it out I freeze. As soon as I sit down to write I freeze.

I have read aloud some prayers that I have next to my bed. I have prayed my own prayers. They weren't much more than "just help me to sleep, I don't know what's wrong." I have listened to music to try to help me settle down. But it's not working.

BF's church is doing some big fundraiser on Saturday and I considered going but for some reason I think I should just stay home and try to figure out what's going on. But then I remember that Sunday is my day to do nothing and I always end up miserable, why do I want to add another day that I'm not doing anything?

I don't know what's wrong except that I feel lost, alone, and fearful because I don't know why.