Back again

It's been a very long time since I've posted anything here. I don't know if anyone will even read this but I've been feeling a little more bloggy lately (nice word huh?)

Life has been really good the last few months. I've had a wonderful summer. I went to New York in July and it was awesome (and HOT)! I also have a boyfriend now :-)
We started dating in April, two weeks after Easter. He is a guy from my church that I've seen off and on but never talked to. We met briefly around Christmas but then didn't talk again until Easter. He really is a great guy. We've spent the summer riding bikes, eating good food, watching movies, and just hanging out. Our first date was pretty much the most wonderful date I've ever been on. We ate Mexican food, went to a museum, walked around a park and along the river, and then finished the day at Old Chicago. It's just been great being with him. He even went to NYC with me :-)

But of course, there's always something that gets me worrying. First, he is 16 years older than me which doesn't come up except for the fact that I still have to go to grad school (or something) in order to get into my career. He's said that he's not sure if that's something he wants to deal with. It hasn't come up lately and we've gotten more serious so I'm not exactly sure where he stands on that issue. The 2nd thing (and most painful) is that he's nervous about my money situation. And I admit, it's bad right now. The last year has thrown me back in a downward spiral of spending and using my credit cards, which at one point I had all paid off. I've been kind of ignoring it, not wanting to face it, but it's come up several times and now I have no choice.

I have told him that I will get some help, because I know the spending is the result of some deeper issues. I just hate that this is something that will bring worry and apprehension to another person. Especially someone I care so much about.

So I may be writing about some of these things here. I'm going to try to be really good and only allow myself to spend a certain amount of money each week. And trust me, it's not a lot each week. I really do want to change...and not just for him, but for me as well. I'm not going to be happy with myself completely if I don't get out of this. I hope I can. (btw, he has been extremely sweet and non-judgmental about all this which is great)

We'll see what happens.

Oh depression...how I LOATHE thee, let me count the ways....

1) I can't get excited about anything...not even the trip to NYC in July which will put me in NYC twice within a year. Yes very cool but at this point not excited at all.

2) I am not motivated to do anything. Yesterday I actually managed to go fill out a job application. One. That probably only makes about 5 that I have managed to do. After filling out one, I camped out on the couch and watched 4 episodes of Gilmore Girls. And more TV after that. I can't even get up motivation to pay bills online. I have 3 due by Saturday.

3) Getting out of bed is hard and not just because I got a new-to-me pillowtop queen sized mattress recently. I just don't want another day to start.

Geesh. I could be in an antidepressant commercial.

This is so frustrating. I have to find a job but have no motivation to do so..don't even know what I want to look for. I need to figure out what I'm doing in general with my life and just have no idea where to even begin. I can't believe I'm in this position. I mean, I thought things were bleak and hopeless when I first moved out here but at least then I was just out of college and figured I had some time to figure things out. But now...I feel like I don't. I've been out of school for almost 4 years now and I'm no better off than I was then. My life is an absolute mess and there doesn't seem to be any hope to get it figured out anytime soon.

Why did everything have to happen like this? Why do I have to be one of those almost 30 years olds with no direction and no life? Why do I have to be on medicine and have people ask me if I've thought of offing myself? Why do I have to be one of those people who are so completely miserable with their life? Why is this my life? I hate it.

I am sitting here driving myself a little crazy. I want nothing more than to crawl back into bed and stay for as long as possible. Or I want to go away and never come back to Kansas.

First, I had to find a new job after Christmas. I did...I gave up a lower paying job for one taking care of an elderly couple that ended up not needing much help except to cook them dinner. I hate it. So I dropped down to 3 days a week there and took care of an elderly man in the mornings.

Then the elderly man got taken to a care home so I have to once again look for a job. Except I don't know what to try to do. Being a CNA doesn't pay me enough to live on especially having to pay student loans.

The worst thing is that I didn't get into the PA program. Again. And now I don't know what to do. I don't know if I want to try again. Even if I do, I need to figure out what to do until then. I am SO frustrated. That's an understatement...I am downright angry and depressed. I have no idea what I want to do now. I want to leave Wichita but the only place I want to go is, of course, New York. I can't decide if I want to try going to graduate school to get my Master's degree in Biology or do some other further medical training then try again for PA school. Or do something completely different. Completely. I always thought it would be cool to go to cosmetology school and there's a good one here. Or maybe I could try going back to get a degree in theater. Let's think of things I'm most interested in...that would be music, theater, movies, fashion, and beauty. Could I really do something related to that? Would I be able to be good enough to go do it in NYC?

See I'm driving myself nuts. I have no idea what to do. And now I have to go get ready to go "work" and be miserable for 8 hours.

I have to figure something out. And soon...

Well life has changed again. The last two weeks have been a bit of blur for me. I found out the day after Christmas (when still in IL) that the woman I have taken care of since April wasn't doing so well. . .dying, actually. I was shocked. I knew that with her condition (ALS) she could go fast but I didn't expect it to happen so soon. I thought she had a few more months left. She passed away last Monday morning. All her family was there; her daughter held her hand. I got back from IL and went straight to the house.
The last week, I have gone in to help the family clean and pack up stuff and attend the funeral. They were really nice to me...they let me go to the family only open-casket viewing and ride with them in the cars to the funeral and cemetery. It's still so weird that this has all happened now. And I'm sad I wasn't there.

Of course, now this means that I have no job. I hate the idea of working in a nursing home again; I have considered applying at hospice. I know it would be hard, but I feel like I'd like taking care of people in their last days. I feel like I need to do something in the medical field but nothing I could do pays enough so I may also end up waiting tables or something. Hopefully I'll only have to do that for about 5 months and then I'll start school. I've pretty much decided that if I don't get into the PA program then I'll just apply to the Biology master's program. I can't take another year of waiting. I am trying not to worry too much though. God's provision has always come through when it comes to jobs and I hope that will be the case again.

Sunday Coma Sunday

I feel like I've been in a coma today. I've been dead to the world. I barely woke up in time to go to church. . .made it through the 4th and 5th grade Sunday school craziness and then made it through the service. The music has become really lacking lately but we did sing a song I am quite fond of.
Then I'm sitting in church listening to the sermon about how God is self-sacrificing and I'm thinking "do I believe this anymore?" and "why does this seem to have no bearing on how I'm living my life right now?"
I came home, ate a bit of lunch, and fell asleep for 2 1/2 hours. Then I ate again and laid in bed and watched TV shows on my computer. I've been doing that all evening and right up until about 10 minutes ago. Except for when I had to run to walgreens to get a soda, chips, and candy. That's all gone plus the popcorn I ate before that and some cereal I just finished.
On my way to Walgreens to get the food that I used as something slightly numbing (unfortunately I am out of alcohol or that may have been used), I asked myself what my problem was. And I answered, "I don't believe You (God) actually care about me." Then I asked myself why I thought that, especially since it's something I was raised believing (mostly) and had really started to believe in the last few years. Again I answered myself, "I don't believe it because if You did care about me, I wouldn't be how I am. I wouldn't be all alone, miserable in freakin Wichita, KS, I wouldn't have grown up the way I did, I wouldn't still be holding on to what I am holding onto. If you cared about me, I wouldn't be the way that I am."

I don't know what to do with that really. I do know that I am sick of my life the way it is. As usual I don't know what to do about it though. There doesn't seem to be much to do. Like I was three years ago, I am stuck here. Stuck. Physically, emotionally, stuck in every way. And still have no idea how to get out. This is getting fucking old.

Dreams

I'm not sure why I choose to torture myself sometimes.

Today I went to see the movie Fame...it was pretty cool actually. Really awesome dance scenes and camera work. I didn't like how most of the songs didn't seem to actually be sung by the actors though.

But at the end when the song is all about holding onto dreams . . . I wonder, really? And realize that I'm in this world where we always talk about living your dreams when it seems that. . .most dreams just don't come true.

I am pursuing a career as a physician's assistant...hopefully I will get into a program this time and in two years I can find a job at a doctor's office, clinic, or hospital. It's not a bad career and I actually do what to do it. But when I think about why I want to one of the reasons that pops up in my head is "because I can't do what I always wanted to do."

I had a pretty honest conversation with my brother when I went to IL for my family reunion. He told me he was jealous that I got a car when he still has his much less expensive one that he had to buy. I told him that I absolutely hated that I couldn't buy my own car and that I had my own set of jealousy about things with him. Right after moving his junior year of high school, he got to be in Grease. Then another year he was in another musical. And then this past spring he did something that made me want to throw a temper tantrum (complete with beating my fists on the floor, screaming "IT'S NOT FAIR!")...he was in Guys and Dolls. The first musical I ever saw at the age of 6. At the age of 6, I thought "I want to do that."

I never got to. I went to a high school with no music department, no theatre department. The next town over did...and they did a production of Guys and Dolls. My sister has been in it twice. Ok sure her college production of it wasn't very good but still.

I was in a silly play in high school that performed once for the grade school kids...and I did do a play in college and Fiddler on the Roof at church. And usually doing those things made me observe the people around me and think "they're so good and I'm not..I could never do this all the time."

I was never pushed, I never thought to push myself. I was shy and unsure of myself and scared. I was aware at a young age that although I could sing, I didn't have the natural musical talent I observed in other people. I could never learn to read music. And I rarely sing anymore except to music in the car. In fact, that's not very good anymore because I can feel my vocal muscles straining and it's like they're saying "No, stop, we're out of shape, don't use us!" Even if I did try to sing more, I sometimes still dream of it being more . . .

Maybe I just feel this way because even being a PA is a far off dream. I don't get to do what I would love to do and I don't get to do what I have decided to do so I feel like a failure right now.

I do get to have a dream come true though...thanks to a PA program interview, I get to go to New York City for the first time ever. I am SO excited, you have no idea. Not all dreams are impossible.

Eat Pray Love

I am reading the book Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and so far, I love it. It is giving me so much to think about. Although she is more of a Buddhist than anything else, I am amazed at how much I am relating to it through my Christian, believing in Jesus worldview.

I am reading now about her time in India at an Ashram studying under a Guru. And it makes me wonder, "why have Christians been so afraid and downright critical of Eastern religious practices?" I mean, I remember hearing about how people thought yoga was so horrible and evil. But really, the collective meaning of Yoga (not just the physical exercise part) is basically what Christians consider spiritual discipline. And although a guru is a enlightened human, I read this and thought, hmmm. . .seems similar to how people described Jesus: Rabbi, Messiah (Anointed One): "The word Guru is composed of two Sanskrit syllables. The first means "darkness," and the second means, "light." Out of the darkness and into the light.... (seriously, just talked to 10 and 11 years old about Jesus as the light) and, "You come to your Guru, then, not only to receive lessons, as from any teacher, but to actually receive the Guru's state of GRACE." Yes, a lot of this is related to being enlightened to the divine self but what if I (believing in Jesus) think about how I am created in the image of God and God can be seen in me? Why is that something that Christians have such a difficult time grasping?
At one point in the book she talks about how after learning about a family that two people were stricken with cancer she said "that family needs some grace." And her sister said, "that family needs some casseroles," and proceeded to organize food to be made and taken to them each day. The author says that she doesn't think her sister realizes that was grace. And I'm thinking that the author doesn't realize that that is Jesus. She grew up in New England which I understand to have been so steeped in Puritanical religion, it just kinda said "to hell with it," and doesn't want too much to with God, so I can kinda understand her hesitation about Judeo-Christian God and Jesus (hell, I've had that too).

I love when things not bearing a "Christian" label are a part of my spiritual journey. And it makes me think more about the question, "is the American version of Christianity the only way to Jesus?"