This week I haven't had to work. My employer's daughter is in town all week so I'm just going in on Friday (luckily she's still paying me). It's given me a lot of time. Time I really need to spend doing some studying. I have a test on Friday and two finals next week. If I can get focused and study, I can still get good grades in the classes.

I bought new tennis shoes this week. I keep putting them on to see if they provide some exercise motivation. It's actually worked a little! Last night, I did some dancing.

My car got fixed. I'm honestly beginning to think I should've looked for something here myself. My dad just picked out this one and honestly it's not that great. . .there's a bunch of little things wrong with it. The knob that controls that two side mirrors is broken and I can't roll down the driver's side window. The brakes already had to be replaced. Whoever owned this before definitely did not take care of it. It only has 34,000 miles on it. Honestly I think my dad got ripped off on the price. Oh well.

Ok so I'm watching Live with Regis and Kelly (I know, I'm pathetic) and they're in Miami Beach. Kelly just did a segment from Seaquarium and it looks AWESOME! I've got to go! And there was another place with Jungle in the name where you can pet the animals!

One thing I did yesterday was plant my garden! It made me very excited. I planted tomatoes, broccoli, carrots, jalepeno peppers, and cucumbers. I still have to plant the green beans, okra, and corn but have to get the rest of the garden cleaned out and let the soil warm up a bit. It's still been a bit chilly here. I love gardening. More specifically, vegetable gardening. I'm so excited to have fresh veggies.
I've been thinking a lot about just needing to find something to be happy about. This constant let-down feeling is just eating away at me. One thing I know I need to be doing is reading my Bible and some other books to start reminding me that God does love me, He is graceful and merciful, and is out for my good. I know the reason it's so hard for me to believe that is I haven't kept that idea in front of me through all this. I'm still burned out, disappointed about many things, and down-right tired. If I don't have to get up in the morning, I can easily sleep about 10 hours.

The sun is actually out today. I need to mow and finish the garden but I think I need to do some studying first. I keep thinking of Colorado (or anywhere else with mountains). I'd love to go hiking right now. I miss it.

Every once in awhile, something happens to make me feel like I am no better than I was a few years ago.
I'm not happy. I am upset about what my life is right now, in general. Every once in awhile there are some things that aren't bad but I just hate the feeling of being so unhappy.
I went to class this morning and then came back home and got upset about something. Not just upset, down right angry.

My parents brought me my car this weekend...and I can't even drive it. Something is wrong with the brakes. It was fine right up until they unloaded it. The very first time I drove it, it started making a weird noise when I would hit the brakes. My parents drove it the night before they left and it was fine! I finally get it and I can't even drive it. It's SO frustrating. And it's just another one of those things that make me feel like nothing ever just works out ok for me. I know it's not true but it's just so hard not to think that sometimes.

I'm frustrated with myself that I haven't been able to actually go to my stats class and focus on my classes. I have two more weeks left...I'm actually not working this week (luckily still getting paid) so I'll have a lot of time to study if I can just actually do it.

I've been wanting to eat better and exercise and haven't been able to do that either. I think today, though, I'm going to go get some new tennis shoes so maybe I can at least start walking or something. I feel like crap! I'm so tired of feeling fat. Yes, I know really I'm not, but I am not going to be as active since I won't be at the nursing home as much so I've got to do something...I've managed to lose 20 pounds in the time I've lived in Kansas. 20 or 25 more and I'll be good! But again the motivation to actually do it is hard to come by lately.

Two people from my church have been dating for 4 months and are engaged. They're getting married in August. Enough said. I keep telling myself that I just haven't found anyone good enough for me yet ;-) Oh and plus I'm probably really not ready to get married right now anyway and won't be for awhile. And (this I do believe) it's someone with the initials MC own loss for not talking to me anymore. Still frustrating though.

Another problem right now? I'm kinda indifferent to God right now. What's funny about that is I'm still teaching a Sunday school class. So indifferent right now, I can't even think of anything to say about it.

I hope things get better sometime soon.

This is actually from today:

My parents are coming tomorrow and I really need to clean the bathroom and finish cleaning my room. I have absolutely no motivation. I also have homework that I have no motivation for either. So here I am instead.

I started a new job this week. I'm only working at the nursing home every other weekend. Now I am helping a woman who has ALS. So far it's going really well. There are a lot of things she can still do for herself but still quite a few things she needs help with. I'm enjoying it.

Well I started this thinking I had something to say but nothing is coming...oh the reason my parents are coming is to bring me my new car! That's exciting! It's a 2004 Pontiac Grand Am.

In fact here's a picture, if you haven't already seen it on facebook:

Not crazy excited about the color but it's really not too bad. I'm excited to actually have a working CD player/radio and AC! Woohoo!

Ok going to actually try to get something done before I go to bed.

Saved draft number 3

and here's 3: (actually that's the last one. . .I miscounted)

Over the last several years, the whole Lent and Easter thing has seemed to come and go without me paying much attention. I think of something to give up or take up for Lent but then it doesn't happen. I feel like Easter should be something special

Saved draft number 2

Here's the 2nd one:

I can go to Kansas City, shop all day by myself, eat dinner at a restaurant by myself, then go to a movie yesterday by myself and feel totally and completely content.
But then I'm alone the past two nights at home and I can hardly stand how lonely I am. I tried reading but it was so silent so I had to watch two movies just to pass the time. I hate that feeling. I hate that when it comes right down to it, I am lonely.

I went with a friend downtown Friday evening for a music crawl except we only ended up hearing 2 bands for about 10 minutes each. The music wasn't her style and it was too loud. I couldn't help but wish I had someone, male or female, who I'd be able to sit in a bar with and just listen to a band. My roommate would but she was with her boyfriend. And the most recent "idiot" would too, except, well you know.

I have a test on Wednesday that I really should've studied for but I have absolutely no motivation. I don't have much motivation for anything really. There is a lot I have thought about doing and need to do. . .but none of it is getting done.

I keep thinking about my life, especially thinking about the things I wish I could do, things I always dreamed of. . .and how really none of it is happening. And being alone just gives me more time to think of it. Did you know that when I was younger, in addition to singing quite well, I would always start writing a book? I started many stories. . .most of them were pretty much identical to what I read in the Laura Ingalls books but I always tried to come up with something new. Once I even tried writing a story about a family in the Civil War. . .one in which the mother has died, leaving 3 kids to fend for themselves while their father is fighting. Eventually they hear that the father is wounded in a hospital so the youngest daughter goes to find him. Her older sister keeps bringing money home though no one knows how, although the older brother has his suspicions that it's not earned in the most respectable manner. I also used to write poems.

Saved draft number 1

Number 1 of 4 posts that I've wrote in the last month but never posted:

The transmission went out in my truck. It would cost more to fix it than the truck is worth.

So at the age of 28, my dad is going to find me a car and buy it for me because I in no way can afford to buy one myself at this point. I feel horrible about it. The only maybe good thing is eventually I will be able to pay for it or at least pay them back and once I can afford my own car, I can give it back to my parents.

I have been sitting here all morning doing nothing. I'm totally bored but completely unmotivated to do anything. I guess I shouldn't be too hard on myself; I've been so busy the last 6 months. But I can't keep not doing anything. I wait until the last minute to get ready for work. I dread each day I have to go.

I enjoyed a nice pleasant day in Kansas City on Saturday. I went to a mall in Overland Park that has a Nordstrom and Sephora. Then I headed to Country Club Plaza; this outdoor mall area on the Missouri side. I loved it! There are tons of shops and restaurants; all of my favorites that I never get to go to. I finished the day at the Cheesecake Factory...had a yummy meal and even yummier cheesecake! (yes, I ate all by myself and it was great! how's that for being comfortable being single?)

Then around 10:30 pm, 40 miles or so from Wichita. . .something happened to my truck. There was some kind of crack, snap, or pop (I was going to try to insert something clever here about Rice Krispies but nothing is coming to me) and I ended up on the side of the road. What's funny is the truck will start but it won't move. I can't put it into any gear and get it to go. I got it towed and now waiting for the repair shop to call and let me know what's wrong.

I tried not thinking it but the first thought in my head when it happened was that I was being punished for going to KC. I had questioned all week about whether or not I should go given my new job situation but I just knew I needed to get out of Wichita! And there's not really any other place to go.

I already feel weird sitting here at home at 11 am not really doing anything. Oh well.

My life is on hold. That's the way it feels. I still can't have the kind of life I want. I am trying to figure out ways to still have a life even though I'm going to be broke and have no idea what is going to happen. I figure I can take advantage of WSU's fitness center now...I can try to finally get in shape. I could also try to finally learn to play the piano. And soon I'll be able to start gardening. I am thinking about somehow getting a new mattress. Every time I climb into my single bed I feel very un-grown-up. I need something that makes me feel adult and together. And I'm thinking that I want to go to a flea market or antique store to find an awesome headboard.

Somehow, I'll figure out what I'm going to do. Now that my truck is really definitely becoming unreliable I am somehow going to have to get a new car. Somehow I want to feel adult and at least a little together. Somehow.

For the last 3 days I have done basically nothing. Tuesday I got my haircut and went out to a bar for St. Patty's day. I had my first Irish Car Bomb. It was actually pretty good. My roommate and I ended up talking to a couple of guys for a little while. It was fun.

Then yesterday I read and watched movies all day long. It was great. Except I feel like I managed to eat a ton of food. . . . oh well.

Today I have watched TV and cleaned the kitchen. And made sushi! Or maki-sushi to be more precise. It was definitely good. Now I'm ready for a margarita or something.

Tomorrow I think I'm going to work in the garden and get it cleaned up so it'll be ready for planting when it's time. I am so excited to have a garden again. I am going to plant green beans, tomatoes, corn, and maybe some broccoli and lettuce. And some herbs.

I like that I'm relaxing. Except so much free time is making me think a lot. And right now there's only one person I can think about. I haven't talked to him in a month. He hasn't responded to the e-mails I've sent (3 total) and he hasn't tried calling. I haven't even tried calling him in at least 2 weeks. After one week, I basically quit trying. I do know at least that he's alive out there somewhere as I received a stupid e-mail forward last week (one of those forward this to as many people and you'll get $$ for it). I'm just. . .annoyed really. And frustrated that my fear was realized: the only reason it all happened was because he needed to face his past in AZ and finding a "good girl" helped him realize it.
I am so tired of being alone..although I know that I'll make it and I'll be fine and even if I did have a relationship, there would be times I'd just want my space, really when it comes down to it I am tired of being alone. And here was a guy that was kind, real and didn't make me feel like I was screwed up. . .he was someone that we could've gone out and had a great time every once in awhile but also be just as willing to stay in, cook a great dinner, and watch a movie. And oh so ruggedly manly...hmm...ok done now ;-)

One good thing is I know for a fact it's not me. . .for once, I know for a fact that him not talking to me means it's his loss. It is his loss. He was always so amazed that I was so nice to him. He wasn't used to women, or anyone for that matter, being nice to him and here I was doing what just came naturally to me. Except now he's on the list of guys who my niceness will not come as naturally anymore. I don't trust him anymore like I did.

I didn't start off trusting Jason and that messed it all up. I did start off trusting M and look what happened. Either way, it doesn't seem to work out. Oh well. I'll keep watching movies and TV to escape reality. I may also need a margarita.

Well whether I wanted it to be this way or not, I am forced into taking a break. I am forced into having more time on my hands.
I lost my job at the conference office. Although I know it's probably a blessing because I'm just so exhausted but at the same time it's a slap in the face. I was so fucking upset. They were still convinced I wasn't doing a good job and I KNOW I was. I hadn't been doing a good job last fall but after Christmas I made it a point to make sure I was on top of everything. I was definitely doing a good job! But apparently they were getting "complaints" about me. I was just so. . .shocked. I mean, every once in awhile there might be a difficult person that I had to talk to but I did my best to handle it well. And there were so many people I'd talk to on a daily basis that would tell me they appreciated it and I was helpful and courteous, etc.

Obviously this will give me more time to relax and doing simple everyday things like clean and cook (I'll have to since I won't be able to afford to go out to eat anymore). I think what makes me the most upset is that I know I had been doing a much better job but they refused to see that. They never asked me, they never came to the resource center to see what was going on. They never led me to believe there were any problems. It's just all bullshit.

Financially I think I'll be ok. I hate that I'll be back on a strict budget, back to not even being able to get a haircut or go out to dinner and a movie with some friends. I have no room to do something like. . .oh go to Kansas City like I had planned on during my spring break this week. I may still go but. . .it'll just be depressing because I won't be able to buy anything. Oh well.

So now I'm back to this place where I feel like a complete failure, a complete nothing, and like my life will never be any different. I am 28 years old and I have no career, no family. . .I'm completely alone and the only hope of my career I have is at least another 3 years away. I live in a place I pretty much hate. I have nothing. I live in a house owned by a 24-year-old. I am driving (and will still be driving) a 15-year-old truck that I've had for 8 years with 172,000 miles on it. I found out recently that my brother is in a production of Guys-N-Dolls...yup that would be the musical that I have dreamed of being in since I was in 1st grade. Yes, 1st grade. I remember specifically seeing it at Jerseyville High School and thinking "I want to do this." But I never got the chance.

My mom offered to come and see me for a few days. I am thinking of taking her up on it but I don't think I can take too much of her "just really trust God and be open to what he has for you." Honestly, I can't take it. I'm not sure if I believe that too much. I feel like that no matter how open I am (or feel like I am) to God, nothing ever works out. Nothing ever changes. I feel like that if I become the least bit happy or hopeful, then everything falls apart. Is that how it's going to be always? According to the "MyType" application on Facebook (based on Meyer's Briggs) I am an INFP, an idealist. Is this how being an INFP is? Is that just something I have to accept and work around or is this something that I can change? Is anything ever going to be good enough? Will I at some point get married and then be unhappy and ruin it? Will I finally get a career and be unhappy with that too, wondering if there was something else I was supposed to do? Will I ever live somewhere that I like?

I am so tired of feeling like this. So tired. I want something that makes my life feel just a little like worth living. Everytime something that like comes along, it goes away. Pretty quickly too. And then here I am writing about it on a freakin blog. I am sitting around waiting until the last moment to get ready to go to work, watching TV and feeling sorry for myself. I hate it. But I have no idea what to do about it. It sucks being SO unhappy about everything in my life. More than just unhappy. . .I don't even know what word to use.

I feel like screaming. And throwing something.

I am feeling very French this evening....

Last night, I dreamed I was in France. Tonight I watched Ratatouille (yes the children's movie) and then all I could think about was wine and cheese. So I went and purchased a bottle of pinot noir, Camembert cheese, and a loaf of French bread. It's very yummy. Although, I am sure that French women don't down half of the cheese in one sitting. ;-) Oh well.

I really hope I can go to France someday. I think I really should start wearing scarves. I won't start smoking though. . .although if I ever go to France, I will totally get some French cigarettes!

What can I say? I'm a dreamer.

So after talking to someone almost everyday for about 2 weeks, I haven't heard from him since last Monday. He got a cell phone and I tried calling each night after getting off work last week and he never answered. Then I sent an e-mail (knowing he has his computer and internet access because he sent me an e-mail) and still nothing. At all. No e-mail, no call.

I'm a little irritated. I mean, I could understand not talking for a few days but now it's almost been 2 weeks. I got tired of trying to call and never getting an answer. So I stopped trying. I figure if he wants to talk to me, he knows my number. And if he doesn't want to talk to me then I'll just put him in the same category of idiots that have also just stopped talking to me over the years. Unfortunately this is the only one that has ended up costing me $300. I could have bought a Coach purse with that!

The rejected girl part of me is just sad and irritated. The part of me, however, that truly cares for him and hopes he's doing ok, is just a little worried about him. I want to know he's ok...but at this point I'm a little nervous to call the house he's been living at. The whole reason he got the cell phone was so he didn't tie up the landline so I don't know if it's ok to call there. And since he hasn't tried calling me, I don't even know if I should unless I just talk to the owner of the house and ask if he's ok and still there and say that's all I wanted to know. Oh well. Maybe I'll give it some more time.

But really what was I expecting? You'd think I'd know better after all this time. Sometime I wonder if I need to just learn to care less. I mean, any chance for a relationship with him went right out the door when he went back to AZ. Oh well.

It's sometimes very difficult when things seem to be so up in the air when it comes to just about everything in life right now.

One of the questions I was asked in my PA interview was where I saw myself in 10 years. I was totally caught off guard. I had no idea what to say. I bumbled through some answer that I can't even remember. Part of me feels like I can't say where I see myself 10 years down the road because EVERYTHING is so open. I was thinking of it today. There are so many "ifs." Like, if I'm done with school, if I'm still single, if I'm married, if I have kids...if, if, if. But let's think "if" I just could plan out what I hoped my life would be in 10 years...(it hasn't worked yet, I still don't feel like I can plan out anything).

In 10 years:

1) I will be finished with grad school and working as a PA (that's within 5 years)
2) My student loans will be paid off
3) I will own a house and a good car
4) I will live somewhere that I am able to see mountains on a regular basis
5) I will be married and have at least 1 child

If the last one doesn't happen, then I'll just add "I will have a 2nd home somewhere." Oh yeah, I would also like to pay my parents back for all the loans they took out for me to go to school.

We'll see....right now I can't even figure out how to get out of Kansas. I can't really right now. If I can get into WSU's PA program next year, it would be dumb of me not to go....the whole program costs less than one year of most other programs. I will still go ahead and apply to other programs...mostly on the East & West coasts. But money-wise it's going to be wise to stay where I am. Then I'll look all over for a job.

Can I really plan out anything? Probably not completely. I guess I can at least hope for those things in the next 10 years.

My mouth hurts, my head hurts, and my shoulders hurt...

I had a tooth removed last Thursday and my mouth is swollen and sore. I've been living on ibuprofen. I really REALLY should have had the doc give me the painkiller he said he could give me. Oh well. Anyway that is what is making my head hurt. And stress and tiredness is making my shoulders hurt. Oh well. Hopefully my mouth will feel better soon.

I just realized that tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. People are talking about what they are giving up and I am not even joking, I'd give anything to be able to give up about 10 hours of work-time at this point. Ok, not really a possibility, I know. The last few years I've been hearing about people adding something for Lent, actually. Something that is challenging for them to do, something that will be enriching and hopefully a way to grow over the next 6 weeks.

I've been wanting to make myself take more time for me lately. I NEED to. I need to do something that is feeding my mine and soul. It's interesting when working in a place that you are caring for people. . .you end up in a place where for just a little while you have to think about only yourself and can't feel like you're being selfish. I do take some time every once in awhile but it's not always necessarily "good" for me. I need something besides watching some TV or a movie, or going out to dinner.

I was thinking I would like to find a good book to read and just commit to reading it everyday. Or do something that would definitely be challenging: read my Bible. Eek! I haven't read it on a regular basis in a very long time. Or I was thinking about making myself write each day. I haven't journaled in quite awhile either. I'll have to think about it. Quite honestly, like everything else my spiritual life has been in the dumps lately; it would probably be good for me to just take more time out to focus on it more.

We'll see. Maybe this Lenten season won't just be like another 6 weeks.

Not getting into the PA program has gotten me on a major "thinking about life" kick. I can't decide if that's a good or bad thing. I feel like in some way I'll always be thinking about my life, of course. I'll always be trying to figure it out.

Truth is right now, I am not very satisfied with any part of my life. I'm fairly satisified with the hope that my life will not always be the way it is, but in general, I am just. . .not.

I have thought about the things that are the most important to me and things that I want someday. Or wish I had now. Relationships are important to me. Friends, family, etc. Well, my family is far away and quite honestly, I'm ok with that. After visiting last Christmas, I realized that I am totally ok with being 8 or 9 hours away. I miss seeing them for little things, like birthdays and random family get togethers, but as a whole I'm fine with being far away.
Then there are friends. I have friends here but I am so busy that I am not able to see them very often. Every once in awhile my roommate and I have late night girl talk which is good. All my other close friends live far away so talking to them is reserved for phone calls every once in awhile or catching each other online. Or commenting on Facebook status updates ;-) So while the friendships part of my life isn't ideal it isn't bad. I know what it was like having no one to hang out with here so I like that I do have people I can call up if I have time and go out to a movie or something.
Then, of course, there is the twinge of disappointment I feel every once in awhile when I wish I had someone sleeping next to me or someone to cuddle with while watching a movie. Or when I wish I wasn't feeling like I'm going through all this life stuff completely alone or wish I had someone besides myself to think of all the time. What's weird is that I am also trying to figure out how to have a friendship with a guy that I'd be dating if he were still here. Right now I figure that maybe I was just put into his life because he was going to need someone that was good to him and encouraging while he was going through all this stuff. We'll be friends for awhile then because of distance and our different lives, we'll just be like. . .facebook friends or something. That is, if he gets back on facebook, which I doubt. Anyway. It basically stinks knowing there is someone that thinks you are absolutely wonderful but is 1000+ miles away. Oh and has so much crap going on that really a relationship would be impossible anyway.

Past the relationships, there's the job/career/life passion thing. I am not satisfied with my jobs. I am not where I thought I'd be at 28 when it comes to my career. I mean, I still don't have one and it's frustrating. I figured I'd at least have a career if not a relationship or vice versa. And now it looks like I'm on the "I'm focused on my career right now" track. I pretty much figure the relationship thing won't happen until after I'm completely done with school and settled into a career, if it happens at all. Is that horrible? No. Is it how I want it? No. I already feel like I'm pursuing my 2nd choice career, which is fine, I am excited about someday being a PA. I hate that I have to wait even longer and have no idea how I'm going to continue to work 60 hours a week.

I know all this probably just sounds like small, stupid, shallow complaints, but I really do wonder how long I can go on being so unhappy with everything in my life. Do I really just have to live with it? Do I just continue to be patient and wait for the day when things aren't so bad? Can I will myself to be happy? Is it just all about positive thinking? Or do is there some kind of action involved? Then I also think about how really...I have NOTHING to complain about. I have nothing to worry about. I have nothing to really actually be unhappy about. Because even though it's not all I want right now. . .it's not bad. I know this.

Then there's the God aspect of all this. Even with being unsatisfied. . .I am still holding on to the idea that somehow God is working. I'm still praying that God will lead me to where he wants me. That he will continue making me into the person he wants me to be. I still trust that His hand is in my life. So does that mean I do just have to be patient and just wait? What do I do in the meantime really?

Who knows. I do know that even with this time of being unhappy, there are still good things. I will make it. I will do what I need to do to get what I want. And someday I will learn to hold on tight to the hope, wonder, and beauty that I know is all around me even when things aren't going well. I hope so, at least.

Rejection

Well, I got my rejection letter for the physician's assistant program. I was not surprised...still disappointed but not surprised. I knew after the interview that I didn't do well. I knew it.

So now I get to go through another year and a half of working 60 hours a week at two jobs that I don't like. I don't know if I can really do that. I may try to take a med aide class in the summer; I really don't think I can handle being a CNA any longer than I have to.

It looks like M will probably get out soon. His father got him an excellent lawyer and a few people here wrote letters to the judge about him. I've heard from him several times. He's doing fairly well.

I have to admit...the only thing I can think of is Arizona. And really hoping he gets out. That way we'll actually be able to talk to each other. There is a PA program at a school near Phoenix. I've already looked at it. How crazy am I? I mean. . .you'd think I would have learned my lesson the first time I liked a guy in another state. What's wrong with me? I'm crazy. I know.

Ok I'm not going to do anything. I'm just going to stay here in good old Wichita until I rot. Ok, no, but longer than I want. I am so tired of it here. I continue to feel stuck here. This is not supposed to be home! This is not supposed to be where I'm supposed to be, damn it!

I'll be fine, I know I will be. I will apply to PA programs for next year and hopefully get into one. Mateo and I will be friends and if it's supposed to be anything more, then somehow it'll work out. Most likely it won't be anything more but I know it'll be good to be friends. He needs good friends.

Well after a week and a half of not being able to use my computer because the power adapter went out, my new one came today, thank goodness. All the way from Hong Kong. Yay ebay.

I got a letter on my birthday from M. He's doing ok, considering. I'm waiting to hear how his court date went on the 6th.

I had a fun birthday. I had a cake and candles at my young adult Bible study. And then me and two friends went out to a wine bar downtown called Oeno. It's a kind of New York City type place right in this small city of Wichita. Besides being almost totally empty, it was a lot of fun. I tried a few different samples of red wine and had some fancy cheese. Then had to go get something to eat at Old Chicago to kill the buzz a bit ;-) I also got a leather jacket for $40. It's one that would normally cost about $300. I was excited!

I must admit that even though there are good parts of a day and good days. . .it seems like really I've been in more of a depressed state lately. I'm stuck in a waiting mode when it comes to knowing if I'll be starting school this summer or not. Right now thought of classes and 60 hours a week of work is overwhelming for the next 4 months or so, let alone the thought of doing it another year and a half if I don't get it. I know I can do it, I just really don't want to. Then there is the disappointment of a stop to a relationship that never even got started really. We are writing though. And we'll continue to. We'll definitely be friends.

Maybe he's right. . .he said there's a reason God brought us together. We'll see. Until then I'll keep working and keep hoping that I get to start PA program this summer. I just need to get through the interview first. It's on the 16th. I haven't really started getting nervous about it yet. I do have a cute suit to wear though.

I just thought of the words of a song that I used to listen to...I can't remember if Rich Mullins wrote it or someone kind of like him but the words are: Hold me Jesus, I'm shaking like a leaf, you have been my king of glory, won't you be my prince of peace....thank goodness for someone else being able to put something into words that I can't.

I know that it doesn't make any sense that I can't stop thinking about someone that I only had talked to for a few weeks.

But I also couldn't stop thinking about him since April. The first time we met. . .I could tell there was something about him. The other times he came to church, he always made sure he came up to talk to me. And he looked so excited to see me. I knew he was. There was one time that I was singing in the praise team and he looked at me during communion and smiled at me. I couldn't help but smile back.

I don't know why after not seeing him for so long, I ended up talking to him. He was nervous to see me. I was too. But being around him and talking to him felt as comfortable and natural as talking to someone I'd known for years.

And now. . .he's gone. I can look up online to see that he's on a list of inmates. I know he had to go. . .it was for the best. He couldn't keep denying he wasn't supposed to be here. He was never going to be able to have a normal life with it hanging over his head.

And now someone who I probably would've just remembered as the guy I met at church once or twice is in my head. I have a special notebook to write letters along with pre-stamped envelopes (no adhesives allowed). I have his computer tower (sadly not in one piece so I can't get music off of it) in my room to someday ship or take to him. And now. . .I'll look at the mailbox everyday hoping I get a letter.

Kinda weird huh? The first time he talked he said something about how you can just have a feeling that something or meeting someone is going to be life-changing. Seriously? Geez, meet me and then go back to the one place you never wanted to go back to. Life-changing indeed.

Good things:

• PA program interview on January 16!!!!
• I ACED my classes this semester!!! (yes only two, but I was also working 60 hours a week)
  
• I finally got the 7th season of Gilmore Girls on DVD thanks to my wonderful roommate
• The weather was clear and great on my trip back from IL
  
• I got to spend a good amount of time with my family

Not-so-good things:

• I miss someone more than anyone should after only a few weeks. I already have a letter ready to mail. And will probably start a new one as soon as I mail the first.
  

Outside the wind is howling, the sky is grey, and I'm sure it's really cold.

I feel that way right now. I have a feeling I will for just a little while.

I found out why that guy hadn't called me. He basically went into hermit-mode and hadn't talked to anyone.

First it requires some background information. I don't really want to go into it too much...this is just the open internet but he's had a lot of crap happen including drugs and jail. Technically he wasn't supposed to be here and he is going back to turn himself in. He's been clean for about a year and a half, is a Christian, and is really dedicated to turning his life around. He was doing pretty good too, he had a good job with lots of possibilities...I hate that he's having to throw that all away. And unfortunately to the "justice" system he's a dangerous, horrible criminal with no hope.

This sucks. This is someone that there was an instantaneous click when we first met. I'm not joking, immediately I knew there was something about him. He did too. It took us so long to connect (just re-met him right before Thanksgiving) and now he's leaving. I'll probably never see him again. I'm going to spend the next 2 years worrying about him. And at the same time go on living my life and try to get on with it.

This week had already been difficult because I was upset that I hadn't heard from him. I told him it was really hard not to send a really bitchy message..he said "Oh I was waiting for it, I figured I'd get one." Now I'm going to continue being upset. What really sucks is that I have a final to study for, work to go to, and I can't spend a whole lot of time with him before he goes.

His birthday is coming up...and Christmas...he's never really celebrated Christmas before. He's never had a tree or anything. Now he still won't. I can't believe all this. . .it's just so surreal and unbelievable.

This sucks.

Honest Meme (I'm so good at Procrastinating)

So Val tagged me to do this meme that makes me list 10 honest things about myself. . .

Fun huh? Well I figure this is a great procrastination technique so here goes!!!

1) There are two things I do to relieve stress: dance (and I'm not talking ballet or the waltz, I'm talking sexy club dancing. I usually turn on something from a Broadway musical or 80s rock music and go totally crazy) and relax with a sappy movie and a glass of wine. Favorite? something along the lines of Pride and Prejudice and pinot grigio or cabernet savignon

2) I still think that I was actually meant to be a singer or an actress but never had the opportunities to pursue it. I've made my peace with this and enjoy that I'm doing something that uses my intellect and will help people. And I will always have a job no matter what the economy ;-) But I still dream of being Sarah Brown in Guys & Dolls.

3) If I had $2000 to spend on anything I wanted whether I needed it or not, I would go out and buy black Christian Louboutin heels and a designer handbag: either Gucci, Prada, or Louis Vuiton. I know I'm crazy.

4) Every once in awhile, I figure I should write down all my crazy thoughts and stories I come up with in my head and put it all together to make a book.

5) I started this earlier today but didn't get to finish. Now I am at home after working a shift at the nursing home. In the words of Val: I feel like hammered dog poo. Except I'm going to say what Val's mom would say: I feel like hammered dog shit. It was horrible, I got into a bit of a fight with a bitchy LPN which ended with her demanding I take a break. Then I did something I haven't done in a long time. I smoked. And guess who I got the cigarette from? That's right, the bitchy LPN! BLAH! My poor mother heard all about it in crying, yelling form tonight (except the smoking part) and I actually managed to not cuss horribly even though I really wanted to. Oh but one of the guys at work got an earful....

6) you know that guy I talked about meeting at church? Well I hadn't seen him in months but recently met up with him again. We hung out last week, had a great time, oh but now I haven't heard from him in 4 days. I have even stopped by his house. I feel incredibly stupid. Except I am also worried about him b/c he's a drug addict who has only been clean for a year. Yes I know I am crazy. Unfortunately I have a soft spot in my heart for people with problems. It's getting harder and harder though; soon I'll be cold as a stone.

7) It probably isn't a good idea for me to be doing this right now. I'm pissed. So everything is going to come out negative. Or incredibly silly because pretty soon the rum that is in my coke may just kick in.

8) I really still hope that someday I will find a husband...even though, I'm doing a pretty good job of convincing myself that I don't.

9) I have a pretty, classy, fancy Christmas tree. It really is pretty. It's gold, burgundy, and cream and one of the ornaments says "HOPE." I bought it last year and after Christmas just went ahead and hung it up on my wall. It's a good reminder. I want to continue to hold on to hope. . .somehow.

10) ok gotta admit the rum didn't kick in as much as I would have liked. . .but oh well. I do have to go to work tomorrow. Although I did go ahead and call my office to leave a message that I had a rough night and probably wouldn't actually get there at 8. I would do anything to just do absolutely nothing tomorrow. Except oh yeah I have a freakin test to study for.

ok there are 10 super honest things about me.

I'm supposed to tag 7 people. . .guess what? I don't know 7 people to tag except for one that's already done it! I'm pathetic.

So, I will tag the only ones I know to tag: Jamillah, Sarah, Tracie, and Jenn.