J just told me that his grandma is in the hospital with pnuemonia. Wanted to share in case anyone wants to send up a little prayer.
I get nervous when I hear older people get pnuemonia. . .but hopefully she'll be able to get over it even if it takes awhile.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Birthday Date Pictures
Ok this one is a silly one but its still one of my favorites. And as you can see, I have bangs now! I feel all cute and trendy.
Ok this is pretty much my favorite one.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Sunday, January 20, 2008
I haven't been in much of a writing mood lately. Things have just continued to be so up and down around here that I don't even know where to begin.
My birthday was last week. It was really great. It was on the 8th. On the 7th, J came up and surprised me with a cake at Bible study. On the 8th, I went to a friend's house to have dinner. I got all these fun little kitchen gadgets, including a lemon zester. Then on that Friday, J took me to one of my favorite mexican restaurants and we went to a friend's house to have a couple pictures of us taken. Then we headed to wal-mart to get them printed out. He gave me a pretty silver cross necklace, a frame, and some Starbucks coffee. It was a really wonderful night! We dressed up and everything. He told me later that what he really wanted to do was buy us plane tickets to fly to IL to see my family. He is so good at stuff like that.
Unfortunately though, things have still been a little difficult. Mainly it has to do with Saturdays. . .it used to be that I could count on going down to his place to see him. I purposely kept my day free so I could. Lately though, instead of it being a day he gets to see me, it has become a day that he gets everything done that he needs to get done. And most of the time I feel like I'm in the way of that. It's been very frustrating especially because I don't feel like I'm saying I want some super special day all the time; I just want him to say "I want to see you." Even if we end up just hanging out at his apartment, I like being there with him.
This weekend was, I guess mainly a misunderstanding. He asked if I wanted to go with him to the HS basketball game on Friday but I had already said I'd help some people move and unpack. He made it sound like he had plans on Saturday so when I asked what they were, he said he needed to clean his office and was going to watch basketball. I was so upset about that. Maybe I didn't have any right to be, but I couldn't understand why there wasn't some way we could hang out anyway; he knows I enjoy watching sports. Later, after a day of very short, angry-toned text messages, we talked. He said he had made plans with someone to actually go watch a basketball tournament. Then I was just mad that he didn't tell me that.
More often than not I feel like he doesn't care whether or not he sees me and I'm irritated that we're only an hour away from each other and I can't even count on seeing him. He doesn't include me in his plans. He makes his plans first, then if I fit into them, then ok, if not, he won't adjust his plans at all even when it would be possible. He makes it seem like he needs time to be able to spend with his friends, which is totally understandable but lately that's all that happens. It's like he would rather be around anyone but me. He says this isn't true but his actions are saying otherwise. I feel like that we really have to make it a point to see each other and it shouldn't be that difficult; we're only an hour away from each other. Sure not as easy as if we were in the same town, but easier than being 3, 4, 5+ hours away.
We're still both trying. He told me that he cares about me more than he has anyone and thinks we have real potential as a long-term couple. And I agree with him, but we both know in order for that to happen, we have to keep working through all this stuff. It is hard. I didn't know it would be this hard. But something inside of me says it's worth it.
I hope it is.
My birthday was last week. It was really great. It was on the 8th. On the 7th, J came up and surprised me with a cake at Bible study. On the 8th, I went to a friend's house to have dinner. I got all these fun little kitchen gadgets, including a lemon zester. Then on that Friday, J took me to one of my favorite mexican restaurants and we went to a friend's house to have a couple pictures of us taken. Then we headed to wal-mart to get them printed out. He gave me a pretty silver cross necklace, a frame, and some Starbucks coffee. It was a really wonderful night! We dressed up and everything. He told me later that what he really wanted to do was buy us plane tickets to fly to IL to see my family. He is so good at stuff like that.
Unfortunately though, things have still been a little difficult. Mainly it has to do with Saturdays. . .it used to be that I could count on going down to his place to see him. I purposely kept my day free so I could. Lately though, instead of it being a day he gets to see me, it has become a day that he gets everything done that he needs to get done. And most of the time I feel like I'm in the way of that. It's been very frustrating especially because I don't feel like I'm saying I want some super special day all the time; I just want him to say "I want to see you." Even if we end up just hanging out at his apartment, I like being there with him.
This weekend was, I guess mainly a misunderstanding. He asked if I wanted to go with him to the HS basketball game on Friday but I had already said I'd help some people move and unpack. He made it sound like he had plans on Saturday so when I asked what they were, he said he needed to clean his office and was going to watch basketball. I was so upset about that. Maybe I didn't have any right to be, but I couldn't understand why there wasn't some way we could hang out anyway; he knows I enjoy watching sports. Later, after a day of very short, angry-toned text messages, we talked. He said he had made plans with someone to actually go watch a basketball tournament. Then I was just mad that he didn't tell me that.
More often than not I feel like he doesn't care whether or not he sees me and I'm irritated that we're only an hour away from each other and I can't even count on seeing him. He doesn't include me in his plans. He makes his plans first, then if I fit into them, then ok, if not, he won't adjust his plans at all even when it would be possible. He makes it seem like he needs time to be able to spend with his friends, which is totally understandable but lately that's all that happens. It's like he would rather be around anyone but me. He says this isn't true but his actions are saying otherwise. I feel like that we really have to make it a point to see each other and it shouldn't be that difficult; we're only an hour away from each other. Sure not as easy as if we were in the same town, but easier than being 3, 4, 5+ hours away.
We're still both trying. He told me that he cares about me more than he has anyone and thinks we have real potential as a long-term couple. And I agree with him, but we both know in order for that to happen, we have to keep working through all this stuff. It is hard. I didn't know it would be this hard. But something inside of me says it's worth it.
I hope it is.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Politics & such
I come from a fairly conservative Republican family. My dad is very outspoken about his Republican beliefs. My sister and her husband think George W. Bush is the most wonderful President ever.
As I watch continuing coverage of the primaries, I have come to a not very surprising conclusion: I think I just might be a Democrat.
GASP!
I still think I'm more middle of the road on a lot of things but . . . over the years, I've started leaning more and more towards the left.
I guess we'll see.
So. . .my birthday was this week. It was a very good birthday. I went over to a friend's house for dinner and J surprised me with a cake on Monday at Bible study. Tomorrow night he's taking me to dinner. It was a great day.
Things have been a little weird lately. I am still having trouble trusting Jason. And most of it has to do with little things like wondering if he really does want to talk to me or be around me. I'm trusting him more with big things like telling him my struggles with faith and depression. But I still manage to freak out about little things. So I am faced with the task of really changing how I think; he has never done anything to make me believe I can't trust him. I still have times when I am scared, though, that he will end up being like everyone else. I have to let go of that and stop being afraid.
I'm trying. God and I have been having a lot of conversations lately. I know I can't do this on my own. My church's pastor is doing a sermon series on the twelve steps. And I'm working right along with it when it comes to letting go of my fear. I'm continuing on my journey.
As I watch continuing coverage of the primaries, I have come to a not very surprising conclusion: I think I just might be a Democrat.
GASP!
I still think I'm more middle of the road on a lot of things but . . . over the years, I've started leaning more and more towards the left.
I guess we'll see.
So. . .my birthday was this week. It was a very good birthday. I went over to a friend's house for dinner and J surprised me with a cake on Monday at Bible study. Tomorrow night he's taking me to dinner. It was a great day.
Things have been a little weird lately. I am still having trouble trusting Jason. And most of it has to do with little things like wondering if he really does want to talk to me or be around me. I'm trusting him more with big things like telling him my struggles with faith and depression. But I still manage to freak out about little things. So I am faced with the task of really changing how I think; he has never done anything to make me believe I can't trust him. I still have times when I am scared, though, that he will end up being like everyone else. I have to let go of that and stop being afraid.
I'm trying. God and I have been having a lot of conversations lately. I know I can't do this on my own. My church's pastor is doing a sermon series on the twelve steps. And I'm working right along with it when it comes to letting go of my fear. I'm continuing on my journey.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Happy New Year
I know people usually get all contemplative about a New Year, hoping maybe there are things they will change about themselves (diet, exercise, job, attitude, etc), or reflecting on the year before hoping that the new one will be different.
I started thinking yesterday that my journey will continue...ok yes I know that sounds obvious but there is something inside of me that is thinking of how this journey of my life that I'm on will continue. And it will not be easy. I still wonder if I'm so screwed up that I will never recover but somehow I'm hopeful that maybe I will.
And maybe I'm supposed to actually let people help me. Something is changing. I am changing. I don't even know what I'm talking about.
Here's to a new year. Whatever it may hold.
I started thinking yesterday that my journey will continue...ok yes I know that sounds obvious but there is something inside of me that is thinking of how this journey of my life that I'm on will continue. And it will not be easy. I still wonder if I'm so screwed up that I will never recover but somehow I'm hopeful that maybe I will.
And maybe I'm supposed to actually let people help me. Something is changing. I am changing. I don't even know what I'm talking about.
Here's to a new year. Whatever it may hold.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Christmas recap and some other stuff too
We pulled into my parents driveway in the wee hours of Saturday morning at 3:30 am. It was a long drive. I couldn't really sleep any so I was up by 8:30 getting ready to make truffles and broccoli & rice casserole.
I loved spending time with my family. It's so precious to me now that I don't get to see them as often. My sister and her family came to mom and dad's and we had lunch and then opened presents. I had made a couple little scarves for my sister and a little purse for my neice. They both liked those. Dad loved his White Christmas DVD. And mom loved her sunflower photos. Oh and my nephew LOVED his Star Wars DVD I got him. I haven't found out but that was the goal for everyone to get him one so he could get all of them. I got my olive oil bottle, sushi kit (complete with the seaweed), blender, a set of my dishes, and a book filled with thousands of questions about movies. And I do mean thousands. It's a lot of fun.
Then we got to head over to see my brother's new place and the church where he works. We hung out at the little coffee shop and played scrabble for awhile. I lost. I stink at scrabble.
J loves my mom's yeast dinner rolls and my grandma's banana split cake. We brought some back with us. We headed over to my grandparents to eat lunch with them on Sunday before heading back to Kansas. Then we spent Christmas Eve with his dad's side of the family and Christmas day with his mom's side. It was really fun. I missed being with my own family, of course, but everyone was so nice and welcoming I still felt at home. I think that was the best thing of all. I've been around his mom's side of the family more and I'm starting to pick up more on the little quirks of that side. His dad's side is more laid back and jokes around with each other. His dad's mom is in poor health but her mind is still really sharp and she's hilarious. J's other grandma is as sweet as can be but also is very good at ordering people around. ;-)
J and I got to talk a lot on the trip. We discussed many things about our relationship. I've really got to work on getting to a point where I trust him. It's been really difficult lately; my fear of him being like every one else is affecting us actually growing as a couple. I feel like there's a lot of things I need to work on.
I've been thinking about ways I can change the way I think about things. I've started thinking more about the qualities that I really love about J. He told me things that he really likes about me and I was encouraged because they are a lot of the things I like about myself and feel I have to offer to someone.
We also discussed some faith stuff. He has always had very pleasant church experiences and he really doesn't understand completely how and why church can be difficult for me. Especially when it comes to not always liking the United Methodist Church. Although, I can definitely say now that my beliefs line up more with the UMC than with any other denomination really. And things with the church here really seem to be different than in IL. There really is more of an emphasis on grace and acceptance.
So now there are lots of things to continue to think and talk about. I think my number one prayer right now is that I stop being afraid. I want to stop being afraid of my relationship with J, stop being afraid of my money situation and what it's going to take to fix it (I did finally re-cut up my credit card), and stop being afraid of really letting God be in control of my life.
I will not let fear rule my life.
I loved spending time with my family. It's so precious to me now that I don't get to see them as often. My sister and her family came to mom and dad's and we had lunch and then opened presents. I had made a couple little scarves for my sister and a little purse for my neice. They both liked those. Dad loved his White Christmas DVD. And mom loved her sunflower photos. Oh and my nephew LOVED his Star Wars DVD I got him. I haven't found out but that was the goal for everyone to get him one so he could get all of them. I got my olive oil bottle, sushi kit (complete with the seaweed), blender, a set of my dishes, and a book filled with thousands of questions about movies. And I do mean thousands. It's a lot of fun.
Then we got to head over to see my brother's new place and the church where he works. We hung out at the little coffee shop and played scrabble for awhile. I lost. I stink at scrabble.
J loves my mom's yeast dinner rolls and my grandma's banana split cake. We brought some back with us. We headed over to my grandparents to eat lunch with them on Sunday before heading back to Kansas. Then we spent Christmas Eve with his dad's side of the family and Christmas day with his mom's side. It was really fun. I missed being with my own family, of course, but everyone was so nice and welcoming I still felt at home. I think that was the best thing of all. I've been around his mom's side of the family more and I'm starting to pick up more on the little quirks of that side. His dad's side is more laid back and jokes around with each other. His dad's mom is in poor health but her mind is still really sharp and she's hilarious. J's other grandma is as sweet as can be but also is very good at ordering people around. ;-)
J and I got to talk a lot on the trip. We discussed many things about our relationship. I've really got to work on getting to a point where I trust him. It's been really difficult lately; my fear of him being like every one else is affecting us actually growing as a couple. I feel like there's a lot of things I need to work on.
I've been thinking about ways I can change the way I think about things. I've started thinking more about the qualities that I really love about J. He told me things that he really likes about me and I was encouraged because they are a lot of the things I like about myself and feel I have to offer to someone.
We also discussed some faith stuff. He has always had very pleasant church experiences and he really doesn't understand completely how and why church can be difficult for me. Especially when it comes to not always liking the United Methodist Church. Although, I can definitely say now that my beliefs line up more with the UMC than with any other denomination really. And things with the church here really seem to be different than in IL. There really is more of an emphasis on grace and acceptance.
So now there are lots of things to continue to think and talk about. I think my number one prayer right now is that I stop being afraid. I want to stop being afraid of my relationship with J, stop being afraid of my money situation and what it's going to take to fix it (I did finally re-cut up my credit card), and stop being afraid of really letting God be in control of my life.
I will not let fear rule my life.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
The crazy (but wonderful) Christmas traveling will begin today. J and I are leaving for Illinois this afternoon. We're going to mom and dad's to spend Saturday and part of Sunday with them, then we'll head back to Kansas to spend Christmas Eve with his dad's side of the family, then Christmas day with his mom's side. I think it'll end up being that we travel about 20 hours driving. Sounds like so much fun huh?
But I am excited. I'm going to make biscotti and truffles tomorrow and open presents! And later on tonight down the road will be a stop at Steak-n-Shake. Woohoo!!!
I am trying not to think about the fact that this will be the first year EVER that I haven't been at my grandparents for Christmas. We are stopping by there on Sunday but still. It's weird to have another family to be around. Extremely weird. I am not worried about his mom's side; I've met all of them before. But I've never met any of his dad's side. So I'm going to end up being nervous, I'm sure.
Merry Christmas!!!!
But I am excited. I'm going to make biscotti and truffles tomorrow and open presents! And later on tonight down the road will be a stop at Steak-n-Shake. Woohoo!!!
I am trying not to think about the fact that this will be the first year EVER that I haven't been at my grandparents for Christmas. We are stopping by there on Sunday but still. It's weird to have another family to be around. Extremely weird. I am not worried about his mom's side; I've met all of them before. But I've never met any of his dad's side. So I'm going to end up being nervous, I'm sure.
Merry Christmas!!!!
Thursday, December 13, 2007
ElfYourself
http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1373148749
This is funny. Had to, of course, include J in this! It may be the only time I get to dance with him ;-)
This is funny. Had to, of course, include J in this! It may be the only time I get to dance with him ;-)
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Normal?
So after a few months now of feeling like crap, the last two few days I have felt better. What's funny? I'm waiting to go back to being my depressed self. . .except days of having a good day at work, laughing and talking to people, going out to dinner with co-workers and being cheering and outgoing. . .I wonder if that really is who I am. Will there be a day when the real, happy, outgoing me will be the norm instead of the sad, down, depressed me? I guess I will hold on to the hope that it will.
One of the girls from work had her little son with her. He's about 20 months old and absolutely adorable. He's trying to say like every word he can including "crustacean." We were at a Chinese/Sushi place that had fresh lobsters. Leave it to me to put some science into his brain ;-)
The poor thing has been sick and was a little grumpy so I took him for awhile so his mom could get her food put in the to-go box and pay her bill and it made me think only one thing and I will only say it really quick then put it away and not think about it anymore....I want to be a mom.
Ok time to continue my good day! I am going to watch TV and maybe have some peppermint-schnapps spiked hot chocolate even though I'm full from the sushi.
One of the girls from work had her little son with her. He's about 20 months old and absolutely adorable. He's trying to say like every word he can including "crustacean." We were at a Chinese/Sushi place that had fresh lobsters. Leave it to me to put some science into his brain ;-)
The poor thing has been sick and was a little grumpy so I took him for awhile so his mom could get her food put in the to-go box and pay her bill and it made me think only one thing and I will only say it really quick then put it away and not think about it anymore....I want to be a mom.
Ok time to continue my good day! I am going to watch TV and maybe have some peppermint-schnapps spiked hot chocolate even though I'm full from the sushi.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
no idea
I have no idea what to get J for Christmas. I honestly never even thought I'd have the chance. . .(which is another issue altogether, why I keep thinking it's going to come to an end any day now) and now I have no idea.
He loves James Bond movies so I bought him two of those he doesn't have. But I don't want that to be all I get him. I'm trying to think of everything I know he likes but I can't come up with anything! There is something I know he'd like but it requires a long drive to get it and I am carless (something from the pottery shop). And something else I know he wants costs too much. I'd get it for him but I don't have the money (an iPod nano). I have no idea what he is getting me or how much he is spending on me.
Time is running out. And I'm stuck. He won't give me any ideas either. I'll keep thinking.
He loves James Bond movies so I bought him two of those he doesn't have. But I don't want that to be all I get him. I'm trying to think of everything I know he likes but I can't come up with anything! There is something I know he'd like but it requires a long drive to get it and I am carless (something from the pottery shop). And something else I know he wants costs too much. I'd get it for him but I don't have the money (an iPod nano). I have no idea what he is getting me or how much he is spending on me.
Time is running out. And I'm stuck. He won't give me any ideas either. I'll keep thinking.
Monday, December 10, 2007
I really am tired of feeling the way I do. I'm tired of my funk. It's causing even the simplest of tasks to feel like huge chores and most of the time I just want the comfort of my nice warm bed especially when I really am supposed to be up getting ready for work.
The sermon in church yesterday was good. The pastor basically talked about how for a lot of people, Christmas isn't joyful; it's a time when the pain of losing someone or something bad that's happened seems to come out more. We have to remember that and not be ashamed to let ourselves feel. I'm feeling like that now; there are some things about Christmas I'm looking forward to and even though I know I really have no reason to be down, overall I am and I'll just look for the glimmers of light that come through the funk.
This weekend I went to J's cousin's graduation with his family. Saturday was a LONG day. The normal 2 1/2 hour drive to Manhattan became about 4 because of the bad weather. The roads weren't too bad but we still had to be cautious. Same way with the drive back. By the time we got home everyone was exhausted and tense. Then my truck started acting up about 8 miles from J's house. I had to drive back to his place hoping I'd make it; I didn't want to risk driving all the way home or get stuck somewhere on the side of the road. And because he wouldn't have any time at all to take me home on Sunday, he took me that night. He got home a little after 1. I felt bad because I knew he had a long day on Sunday, as usual, and he had already driven all day. He's going to try to take my truck to get looked at today. . .although the weather is supposed to get bad again so I don't know if he'll get to.
One thing I always think about when these things happen is my financial situation. I'm almost 27 years old and I will be asking my parents for money to get my truck fixed. And because of my irresponsible choices with money, I will not get a different vehicle for a very very very long time.
Even with my funk, I'm trying to remember things I'm thankful for and that make me happy. Here's a few things I'm thankful for:
1) I'm thankful for an amazing boyfriend who will drive me home at midnight when there's ice starting to fall even after driving all day and he is exhausted. And I'm thankful that he really is someone I can trust and talk to even when I still have a hard time of it. And he's good at driving in winter weather so that means I won't have to :-)
2) I'm thankful that even with my truck broken down it's not affecting me too much. I can walk to work as usual and the grocery store is right next door. And now I have friends who I can call if I do need to go somewhere, like church yesterday (J MADE me call and ask to get a ride, it was extremely annoying, but I am glad I got to go, it was the first time I sang in the choir) and Bible study tonight.
3) I'm thankful for heat. Last winter in the apartment I was in, the little window unit heater didn't do such a great job. Even though I still seem to feel cold when it is 72 degrees in my apartment, I'm thankful I have a better heater and can warm up a little better.
Here are some things that make me happy:
1) Hot cocoa (and the occassional addition of peppermint schnapps)
2) My Christmas tree. It's bright and as J said, fancy.
3) Curling up on my couch and watching White Christmas. What will make me even happier is if I can get J to actually watch it with me at some point ;-)
4) Painting a kind of abstract butterfly. . .I haven't had much luck with the painting thing but I really like how it turned out.
5) Knitting. I am now working on the third little accessory scarf that I am just having a blast making. Very simple and I love sitting around the table with the ladies at the office during our daily coffee break; almost everyone sits around and knits!
Speaking of which, it's time for it now!
My goal today is just to remember to be thankful and enjoy the moments of light. . .
The sermon in church yesterday was good. The pastor basically talked about how for a lot of people, Christmas isn't joyful; it's a time when the pain of losing someone or something bad that's happened seems to come out more. We have to remember that and not be ashamed to let ourselves feel. I'm feeling like that now; there are some things about Christmas I'm looking forward to and even though I know I really have no reason to be down, overall I am and I'll just look for the glimmers of light that come through the funk.
This weekend I went to J's cousin's graduation with his family. Saturday was a LONG day. The normal 2 1/2 hour drive to Manhattan became about 4 because of the bad weather. The roads weren't too bad but we still had to be cautious. Same way with the drive back. By the time we got home everyone was exhausted and tense. Then my truck started acting up about 8 miles from J's house. I had to drive back to his place hoping I'd make it; I didn't want to risk driving all the way home or get stuck somewhere on the side of the road. And because he wouldn't have any time at all to take me home on Sunday, he took me that night. He got home a little after 1. I felt bad because I knew he had a long day on Sunday, as usual, and he had already driven all day. He's going to try to take my truck to get looked at today. . .although the weather is supposed to get bad again so I don't know if he'll get to.
One thing I always think about when these things happen is my financial situation. I'm almost 27 years old and I will be asking my parents for money to get my truck fixed. And because of my irresponsible choices with money, I will not get a different vehicle for a very very very long time.
Even with my funk, I'm trying to remember things I'm thankful for and that make me happy. Here's a few things I'm thankful for:
1) I'm thankful for an amazing boyfriend who will drive me home at midnight when there's ice starting to fall even after driving all day and he is exhausted. And I'm thankful that he really is someone I can trust and talk to even when I still have a hard time of it. And he's good at driving in winter weather so that means I won't have to :-)
2) I'm thankful that even with my truck broken down it's not affecting me too much. I can walk to work as usual and the grocery store is right next door. And now I have friends who I can call if I do need to go somewhere, like church yesterday (J MADE me call and ask to get a ride, it was extremely annoying, but I am glad I got to go, it was the first time I sang in the choir) and Bible study tonight.
3) I'm thankful for heat. Last winter in the apartment I was in, the little window unit heater didn't do such a great job. Even though I still seem to feel cold when it is 72 degrees in my apartment, I'm thankful I have a better heater and can warm up a little better.
Here are some things that make me happy:
1) Hot cocoa (and the occassional addition of peppermint schnapps)
2) My Christmas tree. It's bright and as J said, fancy.
3) Curling up on my couch and watching White Christmas. What will make me even happier is if I can get J to actually watch it with me at some point ;-)
4) Painting a kind of abstract butterfly. . .I haven't had much luck with the painting thing but I really like how it turned out.
5) Knitting. I am now working on the third little accessory scarf that I am just having a blast making. Very simple and I love sitting around the table with the ladies at the office during our daily coffee break; almost everyone sits around and knits!
Speaking of which, it's time for it now!
My goal today is just to remember to be thankful and enjoy the moments of light. . .
Thursday, December 06, 2007
My favorite picture
This fall, I drove by two huge sunflower fields outside of J's town. I borrowed his camera and took about 4 rolls of film so that I could give a few of them to my mom for Christmas. I finally developed them this week and got them back to discover there were several very good ones. My favorite? This one of a monarch butterfly. I have a few with the butterflies; I think I will make a photo collage for myself.
I love butterflies.
I love butterflies.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
better
I feel a little bad for looking forward to Wednesday afternoons. This is the day that my boss teaches a class and leaves at 3:30. So unless there is just something pressing to do, I admit it: I goof off.
Including writing this :-)
So surprise, surprise, I feel better. I sent J an e-mail on Monday that managed to completely lift my spirits. I started remembering the things I have to look forward to and the things that make me, ME. One of the things that make me, me, will happen after work. I will defy the idea that women can not fix cars and replace my serpentine belt in my truck. It completely split in two last night around 11:30 as I was driving home from visiting J. It was great. . ..Haha! Now I admit that by the time I get the belt on, I will probably be a little pissed off but oh well. The final step of getting it on is the most difficult and I'll be rushing to get it done before its dark. But I'll do it.
Anyway, between writing the e-mail and the discussion we had after he read it, I am definitely feeling better. It still seems a little weird for me to think about it but J and I are, I think, taking steps to really figure out our relationship and where it's going. I guess you could say we're digging into it a little deeper. I know it's not going to be easy but I think it'll be good, whatever ends up happening.
Including writing this :-)
So surprise, surprise, I feel better. I sent J an e-mail on Monday that managed to completely lift my spirits. I started remembering the things I have to look forward to and the things that make me, ME. One of the things that make me, me, will happen after work. I will defy the idea that women can not fix cars and replace my serpentine belt in my truck. It completely split in two last night around 11:30 as I was driving home from visiting J. It was great. . ..Haha! Now I admit that by the time I get the belt on, I will probably be a little pissed off but oh well. The final step of getting it on is the most difficult and I'll be rushing to get it done before its dark. But I'll do it.
Anyway, between writing the e-mail and the discussion we had after he read it, I am definitely feeling better. It still seems a little weird for me to think about it but J and I are, I think, taking steps to really figure out our relationship and where it's going. I guess you could say we're digging into it a little deeper. I know it's not going to be easy but I think it'll be good, whatever ends up happening.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
I probably don't read as many as other people, but there are definitely a number of blogs I read regularly. One of them is by a woman who has cancer. One is by a woman who is a recovering addict. One is by a woman who at the age of 25 is a widow. And one is by a woman who after almost a whole lifetime of believing in God, is now an atheist. Besides the blogs of friends I read, those are the main four I always check.
Reading the one by the woman with cancer makes me feel awful for thinking my life is so awful. Reading the one by the young widow makes me feel awful that I was so upset by moving to a new place only to be dumped. Reading the one by the atheist makes me scared that even after a lifetime of believing there is a chance of not. And reading the one by the addict. . .gives me hope.
I've definitely been depressed lately. It's very frustrating because I always have this feeling of not having any reason to be. I have a roof over my head, I have food in my refridgerator. . .I am not lacking anything. On Friday I helped one of the guys in our Bible study help his sister with cleaning and laundry. It was one of the worst things I've seen. The house was a disaster. Holes in the walls, dried egg from when the kids threw eggs at the walls, dirty diapers just laying around. We ended up loading up the back of my truck with bags of clothes that were no longer wearable. Even then there were about 15 loads of laundry to do. And even though there is barely enough money to buy food for the 6 kids, there is enough to buy beer and cigarettes, a big-screen TV and have digital cable. I told the guy that I'd be willing to help out again. The biggest obstacle is going to be trying to teach their mother how to manage. No point in getting the place cleaned up only for it to become like it was before. I don't know if it'll work. I pray to God it does.
It made me scared of what life can do to people. I think what makes me even more scared is that I wonder sometimes if it's all worth it or if there's anything really to look forward to.
Yesterday I got to thinking that one of the things I'm scared of is never being happy here. I'm scared that I will end up staying and always regret it. And that I'll always wish I was somewhere or someone else. I pray that doesn't happen. Although I can feel it already happening.
Christmas is coming. I have my decorations up, lights outside but I'm not at all excited.
I'm not sure what to do. I'm so tired of being like this.
Reading the one by the woman with cancer makes me feel awful for thinking my life is so awful. Reading the one by the young widow makes me feel awful that I was so upset by moving to a new place only to be dumped. Reading the one by the atheist makes me scared that even after a lifetime of believing there is a chance of not. And reading the one by the addict. . .gives me hope.
I've definitely been depressed lately. It's very frustrating because I always have this feeling of not having any reason to be. I have a roof over my head, I have food in my refridgerator. . .I am not lacking anything. On Friday I helped one of the guys in our Bible study help his sister with cleaning and laundry. It was one of the worst things I've seen. The house was a disaster. Holes in the walls, dried egg from when the kids threw eggs at the walls, dirty diapers just laying around. We ended up loading up the back of my truck with bags of clothes that were no longer wearable. Even then there were about 15 loads of laundry to do. And even though there is barely enough money to buy food for the 6 kids, there is enough to buy beer and cigarettes, a big-screen TV and have digital cable. I told the guy that I'd be willing to help out again. The biggest obstacle is going to be trying to teach their mother how to manage. No point in getting the place cleaned up only for it to become like it was before. I don't know if it'll work. I pray to God it does.
It made me scared of what life can do to people. I think what makes me even more scared is that I wonder sometimes if it's all worth it or if there's anything really to look forward to.
Yesterday I got to thinking that one of the things I'm scared of is never being happy here. I'm scared that I will end up staying and always regret it. And that I'll always wish I was somewhere or someone else. I pray that doesn't happen. Although I can feel it already happening.
Christmas is coming. I have my decorations up, lights outside but I'm not at all excited.
I'm not sure what to do. I'm so tired of being like this.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Happy Thanksgiving!
It's Thanksgiving!!!
I love Thanksgiving. I love the whole holiday season. Except for the crazy shopping. I feel sorry for the people who have to go to work tomorrow at 5 am (or earlier!) and deal with crazy people. J's mom goes to the stores at 5 am. I used to want to go shopping the day after Thanksgiving but not anymore.
Ok but that's not today :-D. Today I get to have french toast for breakfast, make an apple pie, and spend Thanksgiving with J's family. And I get to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving parade! I never get to watch much of it because we're always traveling to grandma's.
And as much as I get tired of the crazy shopping (or rather, the way that shopping for the holidays makes people crazy and forget what it's all supposed to be about) I wouldn't mind taking a trip up to Kansas City to do some real shopping. Wichita doesn't have many good stores. I don't know if I'll get to do that or not.
Anyway, I'm excited for today and I went ahead and got out my Christmas decorations (I think I may have to get a few more) and listened to Trans-Siberian Orchestra.
One thing I have thought about is Advent. I've never paid much attention to it. We're going to do an Advent study at the office and I have an Advent calendar with different Bible passages to read everyday. Maybe I'll do that.
Hope you all have a wonderful day!!!
I love Thanksgiving. I love the whole holiday season. Except for the crazy shopping. I feel sorry for the people who have to go to work tomorrow at 5 am (or earlier!) and deal with crazy people. J's mom goes to the stores at 5 am. I used to want to go shopping the day after Thanksgiving but not anymore.
Ok but that's not today :-D. Today I get to have french toast for breakfast, make an apple pie, and spend Thanksgiving with J's family. And I get to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving parade! I never get to watch much of it because we're always traveling to grandma's.
And as much as I get tired of the crazy shopping (or rather, the way that shopping for the holidays makes people crazy and forget what it's all supposed to be about) I wouldn't mind taking a trip up to Kansas City to do some real shopping. Wichita doesn't have many good stores. I don't know if I'll get to do that or not.
Anyway, I'm excited for today and I went ahead and got out my Christmas decorations (I think I may have to get a few more) and listened to Trans-Siberian Orchestra.
One thing I have thought about is Advent. I've never paid much attention to it. We're going to do an Advent study at the office and I have an Advent calendar with different Bible passages to read everyday. Maybe I'll do that.
Hope you all have a wonderful day!!!
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
About the letter
Well J and I talked last night about the letter. It was a good, productive conversation. He asked me questions about the things I wrote about and even if it was difficult, I answered honestly.
Both of us have at least one thing we have to work on. I have to work on actually trusting him. I told him that I don't trust him completely because I am still scared that he will end up being like everyone else. I'm working on it. I've been more willing to open up and tell him things and realizing that he isn't like everyone else. And even if down the road we realize we aren't meant for each other that doesn't mean I can't trust him.
He has to work on his attitude that because he is the guy, he always has to be strong. He doesn't want to show that he has a weakness which is why it's been so hard for him to admit that he has been struggling with being depressed over the last few months. So I hope for both of us, over time, we will overcome these things.
I do feel better about things. He asked really good questions that helped me think through how I was feeling. And he didn't make me feel badly about any of it either. I was glad of that.
I am heading down to his grandparents' tomorrow to spend Thanksgiving with his family. Of course, I will miss being with my family but I am looking forward to it. I'm making apple pie! Yummy!
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
Both of us have at least one thing we have to work on. I have to work on actually trusting him. I told him that I don't trust him completely because I am still scared that he will end up being like everyone else. I'm working on it. I've been more willing to open up and tell him things and realizing that he isn't like everyone else. And even if down the road we realize we aren't meant for each other that doesn't mean I can't trust him.
He has to work on his attitude that because he is the guy, he always has to be strong. He doesn't want to show that he has a weakness which is why it's been so hard for him to admit that he has been struggling with being depressed over the last few months. So I hope for both of us, over time, we will overcome these things.
I do feel better about things. He asked really good questions that helped me think through how I was feeling. And he didn't make me feel badly about any of it either. I was glad of that.
I am heading down to his grandparents' tomorrow to spend Thanksgiving with his family. Of course, I will miss being with my family but I am looking forward to it. I'm making apple pie! Yummy!
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
Sunday, November 18, 2007
What a weekend
This was a interesting, crazy, wonderful weekend.
My parents and sister came on Friday and went to the musical on Saturday. We just chilled out Saturday morning. We ate french toast and bacon for breakfast, had a little snack at Panera bread, went to Target, and ate dinner at Chipotle. J came too.
J came to the musical on Friday night and he brought me flowers. He was so excited and happy for me. Which made me feel bad because I had written him a letter about some things I was really frustrated about. I didn't want to give it to him. But I did anyway. . .he read it right away. One of the things that has been bothering me is the fact that he doesn't really talk to me but he'll talk to other people about what is going on with him. He doesn't want to burden me with it all (I found this out from the person he told), but him not being open with me has made me upset and makes me not want to be open with him. So anyway, we'll see what happens with that. He took me out to lunch today and I'm spending Thanksgiving with his family so I think everything will be ok. There's just some stuff we need to work on.
I loved having my family here. The musical was awesome. And hopefully J and I will work on the things we need to work on.
My parents and sister came on Friday and went to the musical on Saturday. We just chilled out Saturday morning. We ate french toast and bacon for breakfast, had a little snack at Panera bread, went to Target, and ate dinner at Chipotle. J came too.
J came to the musical on Friday night and he brought me flowers. He was so excited and happy for me. Which made me feel bad because I had written him a letter about some things I was really frustrated about. I didn't want to give it to him. But I did anyway. . .he read it right away. One of the things that has been bothering me is the fact that he doesn't really talk to me but he'll talk to other people about what is going on with him. He doesn't want to burden me with it all (I found this out from the person he told), but him not being open with me has made me upset and makes me not want to be open with him. So anyway, we'll see what happens with that. He took me out to lunch today and I'm spending Thanksgiving with his family so I think everything will be ok. There's just some stuff we need to work on.
I loved having my family here. The musical was awesome. And hopefully J and I will work on the things we need to work on.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Thoughts, part 1
Fiddler starts tomorrow! We had a dress rehearsal last night and there's another one tonight. I think it'll go well although it just seemed like a mess last night. I hope tonight goes better. There are several things I have to move on and off stage and I kept forgetting. Oh well.
I got my dress finished and it turned out really good! I'll make sure to get a picture and I'll post it.
I have had so many things on my mind lately. Not any real problems or issues, just thoughts and general wonderings.
Lately it's been difficult to wrap my head around the fact that I am still in Kansas. I think back to a year ago and remember how I was convinced I was going to move back to Illinois at Thanksgiving. Even went as far as quitting my job. I think I just wanted an excuse to quit so I could go home for Thanksgiving. The thought of spending the holidays alone were too much to handle. But I stayed. And now it seems I will be sticking around for awhile. I will be here at least another year for work but most likely more to go to grad school. Ultimately I think I'll be ok with it, but I also know that it will take a long time before it feels even close to "home." It still feels so temporary. I don't know for sure what will happen with J. I don't know if I'll get into grad school. If you told me right now that neither of those things would work out, I'd start looking forward to next November when I could move, even if I was willing to wait that long. Lots of people can print letters and make up excel spreadsheets.
I still don't like that everytime I think about how I got to Kansas, I think of D. I probably always will. I know as time goes on, it will be less. I have a feeling I'll always wonder how the kids are. Of course, I think you always wonder about people who have been a part of your life. There are other people I wonder about as well.
I got my dress finished and it turned out really good! I'll make sure to get a picture and I'll post it.
I have had so many things on my mind lately. Not any real problems or issues, just thoughts and general wonderings.
Lately it's been difficult to wrap my head around the fact that I am still in Kansas. I think back to a year ago and remember how I was convinced I was going to move back to Illinois at Thanksgiving. Even went as far as quitting my job. I think I just wanted an excuse to quit so I could go home for Thanksgiving. The thought of spending the holidays alone were too much to handle. But I stayed. And now it seems I will be sticking around for awhile. I will be here at least another year for work but most likely more to go to grad school. Ultimately I think I'll be ok with it, but I also know that it will take a long time before it feels even close to "home." It still feels so temporary. I don't know for sure what will happen with J. I don't know if I'll get into grad school. If you told me right now that neither of those things would work out, I'd start looking forward to next November when I could move, even if I was willing to wait that long. Lots of people can print letters and make up excel spreadsheets.
I still don't like that everytime I think about how I got to Kansas, I think of D. I probably always will. I know as time goes on, it will be less. I have a feeling I'll always wonder how the kids are. Of course, I think you always wonder about people who have been a part of your life. There are other people I wonder about as well.
But so much has happened over the last year and a half. Things that are good. I have J, I have friends here, I really like (and miss!) my Bible study group, I am going to join the choir at church, and although my job is incredibly boring at times, I love the people I work with. There's one lady that every once in awhile, we'll have a good conversation. Really there's potential all around me. I have the potential to have close relationships, be involved at church, and really have a life here. Sometimes, though, I think I still struggle with it being a life that isn't what I thought it would be. I've struggled with that for years and I know it's common. Sometimes I still wish I was traveling around singing or living in NYC, performing on Broadway. There have been times during the musical when I notice a kid or two that really has talent and a lot of potential and see how their parents are encouraging it, and it's frustrating because I didn't get the same encouragement. But I see ways to still do things I enjoy even if it's not on such a grand scale. The director of the musical is the choir director at church and he has encouraged me to join. There will be more of these little productions and who's to say I won't get a chance to sing and perform more often. We'll see.
Ok that's it for now. More thoughts later.
Friday, November 09, 2007
A few weeks ago when I went bowling with J's youth group, we also went to a church service before hand. The pastor spoke about basically being content & making the best out of your circumstances, using the passage Jeremiah 11 as an illustration. The people had been exiled to Babylon and, through Jeremiah, they were told by God to. . .well, live their lives. They had jobs, families and watched their children marry and have their own children. I think it was 70 years they were there. I'm sure they dreamed of their home (Israel) and probably sat around and complained about being stuck in Babylon but they lived anyway. They were told that God had a plan for them and they believed it (Ok I know the Bible may not mention this but I'm sure they had their moments of not believing it, they did have a history of it & it is a bit of human nature).
J reminded me of this last night when I was telling him about how upside down and out of it I still feel at times. As excited I was about being in the musical, I'm ready to perform it and get it over with. Actually, I have fixed feelings. I am excited about the performances. I am ready for it. I'm excited about my dress that is coming along wonderfully. I finally get my old-fashioned costume. On the other hand, I'm ready to start going back to Bible study. I miss it.
It's a gorgeous day here today. But as beautiful it is, I still imagine in my head how beautiful the mountains of Colorado are. It's still sometimes hard not to think about it and wish I was there. Especially when I remember the way I got here in the first place. But then, it's hard to say that because of all that has happened. J. . .the musical. . .I am going to start singing in the choir at church. None of that would've happened if I hadn't come. Hell, one of these days I may end up having to thank D! (Ok let's not go that far)
I think that still being uncertain of what my life will hold (and I know everyone is uncertain) is hard. I will be 27 in January and I don't feel like I have accomplished anything. I still feel like I'm still waiting for my life to start.
But I am still hopeful. I am still hoping to go to grad school in a year. My relationship with J is still growing. I've seen that in how I have been able to open up to him more, especially in the last week. He's more helpful than I thought he would be. Although, he used a cliche Christian phrase last night but I told him that I hated it. :-) He understood. It has sometimes been difficult for me to believe he can handle all my issues.
So even with the uncertainty, I will still be hopeful. And remember to be thankful. Because I know I do have a lot to be thankful for. And lots to look forward to.
J reminded me of this last night when I was telling him about how upside down and out of it I still feel at times. As excited I was about being in the musical, I'm ready to perform it and get it over with. Actually, I have fixed feelings. I am excited about the performances. I am ready for it. I'm excited about my dress that is coming along wonderfully. I finally get my old-fashioned costume. On the other hand, I'm ready to start going back to Bible study. I miss it.
It's a gorgeous day here today. But as beautiful it is, I still imagine in my head how beautiful the mountains of Colorado are. It's still sometimes hard not to think about it and wish I was there. Especially when I remember the way I got here in the first place. But then, it's hard to say that because of all that has happened. J. . .the musical. . .I am going to start singing in the choir at church. None of that would've happened if I hadn't come. Hell, one of these days I may end up having to thank D! (Ok let's not go that far)
I think that still being uncertain of what my life will hold (and I know everyone is uncertain) is hard. I will be 27 in January and I don't feel like I have accomplished anything. I still feel like I'm still waiting for my life to start.
But I am still hopeful. I am still hoping to go to grad school in a year. My relationship with J is still growing. I've seen that in how I have been able to open up to him more, especially in the last week. He's more helpful than I thought he would be. Although, he used a cliche Christian phrase last night but I told him that I hated it. :-) He understood. It has sometimes been difficult for me to believe he can handle all my issues.
So even with the uncertainty, I will still be hopeful. And remember to be thankful. Because I know I do have a lot to be thankful for. And lots to look forward to.
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