A thought

So today I was thinking about school and the things I want to accomplish. To accomplish those things I have to do well in school. I have to be motivated and constantly active in my understanding of different subjects. While in my bioethics class, I wondered: Am I afraid to really do well? Am I afraid that if I actually apply myself that things I want to happen will happen? Am I afraid to live up to the intelligence I know I have? Is there a part of me who just wants to go through life not caring and not having to live up to anything?
I know that if I apply myself I can do really well. I could have straight As. I could fill out a medical school application in a few years and schools would be begging me for interviews (ok maybe not really but I'd get an interview). But maybe there's a part of me who only wants to be mediocre so I have a valid excuse for not accomplishing what I want.
I don't have anyone to look to when it comes to wanting to being more than I see around me. I have no one to look to when it comes to wanting a career and a family. I have no model of what a wonderful Christian woman who is working outside the home and raising a family looks like. I'm nuts. Why do I even think about these things?
BTW, I'm really proud of myself, I must say. I got through Valentine's Day wonderfully! There was a lot of bitterness around me but I was just like, eh! No big deal. Having a husband is definitely something I want but I also want it to be exactly what I need when I need it. And I know it will happen when I'm ready. No use in worrying about it. Even though at this wonderful Christian college we're only surrounded by it all the time. Ohwell, comes with the territory.
ok that's all for now.
Only a couple more weeks before my wonderful best friend is a mommy! yayay!!
time to do homework!