So today I got my organic chemistry test back. I got a 77. I was not happy. I feel like I'm actually understanding everything, I studied, I was really hopeful that I would do well. So for the rest of the day (including when a 3rd year med student came to talk to us) I was just discouraged and depressed and couldn't concentrate.
I feel like I am not successful at anything I try to do.
I just feel like no matter how hard I try, I am just going to be let down. Then I feel like everytime something like a bad test grade I get down enough that I can't do anything to get out of it.
I have a genetics test tomorrow and I haven't really studied. I can't. I just figure I don't have enough time to actually study to a point I will do well so what's the point? And that's what happens.
For the last few weeks I was hopeful that things were going well and I was optimistic that I was going to do well this semester. But now at least for today I'm totally discouraged. And probably will be again as soon as I take my genetics test and then I have a physics test next Wednesday!
How can I just learn to not be discouraged? And just deal with a bad grade in a healthy way? I don't know. I really don't.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Sunday, September 11, 2005
always self-involved
ok so even that last post was all self-involved.
blahblahblah
fooey
i need to study now. what a great Sunday.
blahblahblah
fooey
i need to study now. what a great Sunday.
rambling thoughts
I didn't even realize what day it was until I got on the internet and saw something about a ceremony in New York in memory of Sept. 11. I don't believe that was 4 years ago. I know for people involved and who lost loved ones, it seems like an eternity.
And now there's hurricane Katrina. The devastation is so massive. The pictures I've seen look like they're from a war zone. I've read so much about it and watched the TV reports. . . .I wish I could do something. I don't have any money to give, I can't go there. So here I am stuck here just watching the TV reports and reading magazine articles.
With the memories of 9/11, the hurricane, and things that have happened to friends and their friends I just sit here and wonder "what am I doing?" I complain so much about the little annoying occurances in my life, I complain about everything that doesn't go my way and I don't feel like I am able to "be there" for anyone. I don't feel like I can do anything for anyone. I just feel like I'm so wrapped up in how crappy I think my life is that I have no perspective.
How am I supposed to be there for a friend who loses a parent?
How am I supposed to be there for a friend who is struggling with depression?
How am I supposed to be there for a friend who doesn't know what they're supposed to do with their life?
How am I supposed to be a sister and a daughter to a family who is so far away?
How am I supposed to deal with my life, knowing it is significant but still care about other people?
I don't know. I don't know at all.
And now there's hurricane Katrina. The devastation is so massive. The pictures I've seen look like they're from a war zone. I've read so much about it and watched the TV reports. . . .I wish I could do something. I don't have any money to give, I can't go there. So here I am stuck here just watching the TV reports and reading magazine articles.
With the memories of 9/11, the hurricane, and things that have happened to friends and their friends I just sit here and wonder "what am I doing?" I complain so much about the little annoying occurances in my life, I complain about everything that doesn't go my way and I don't feel like I am able to "be there" for anyone. I don't feel like I can do anything for anyone. I just feel like I'm so wrapped up in how crappy I think my life is that I have no perspective.
How am I supposed to be there for a friend who loses a parent?
How am I supposed to be there for a friend who is struggling with depression?
How am I supposed to be there for a friend who doesn't know what they're supposed to do with their life?
How am I supposed to be a sister and a daughter to a family who is so far away?
How am I supposed to deal with my life, knowing it is significant but still care about other people?
I don't know. I don't know at all.
Sunday, August 28, 2005
All alone
Tonight is an all alone night. Even though my two roommates are here. And it's a night that I am reminded of how I so easy let everyone walk all over me. And a night that I figure that the world would be wonderful if I was just alone. Or not here at all.
Ok first of all, for those of you who know me, I know a lot about pop culture. I always read the magazines and watch entertainment tonight and shows on E!. I just think it's fun. Tonight I was watching the MTV Video Music Awards. They're pretty cool except they are overrun with rappers which I'm not into but there were going to be performances by bands I really liked. So I was watching up until 10 minutes ago when my roommates (who just sat down to eat dinner and hadn't been watching) said things like "isn't Gray's Anatomy on?" and "We need to watch this movie (bourne supremacy), can we?" Total disregard for the fact that I was watching something already. Enforcing the fact they weren't interested in watching what I was watching so they did what they could to get their way. So instead of saying "well I really want to watch this so I'd like to continue watching it" I just said go ahead (to the movie) and that I need to do some homework anyway. And now I am in here almost crying because I hate that I allow myself to do this. I mean really it's no big deal, MTV will show the awards show like 50 million times in the next few weeks anyway and there's a lot of stuff that usually goes on that I don't really like. But still why do I have to stop doing what I want in order to make everyone else happy? Why do I have to deny what I'm interested in so that other people get what they want? Why do I always have to feel like I'm unimportant and my interests are dumb and superficial? Yeah some of them are. I won't die if I can't watch the MTV VMAs but still the principle of it. . .it sucks. And I've always done this. I'm not someone who will pipe up and say "NO!" when I am being pushed out of the way.
I had hoped that I was going to change. I've always been like this. My interests, my needs, my wishes are unimportant. I can't have what I want. I have to deny myself of everything. That's what I've always felt. And if I try to stand up for myself I am considered a bitch and selfish, and rude, etc, etc, etc.
Green Day has a song called "Boulevard of Broken Dreams." One of the lines is: And I walk alone. I guess I just need to get used to that. Because I do. I walk alone.
Ok first of all, for those of you who know me, I know a lot about pop culture. I always read the magazines and watch entertainment tonight and shows on E!. I just think it's fun. Tonight I was watching the MTV Video Music Awards. They're pretty cool except they are overrun with rappers which I'm not into but there were going to be performances by bands I really liked. So I was watching up until 10 minutes ago when my roommates (who just sat down to eat dinner and hadn't been watching) said things like "isn't Gray's Anatomy on?" and "We need to watch this movie (bourne supremacy), can we?" Total disregard for the fact that I was watching something already. Enforcing the fact they weren't interested in watching what I was watching so they did what they could to get their way. So instead of saying "well I really want to watch this so I'd like to continue watching it" I just said go ahead (to the movie) and that I need to do some homework anyway. And now I am in here almost crying because I hate that I allow myself to do this. I mean really it's no big deal, MTV will show the awards show like 50 million times in the next few weeks anyway and there's a lot of stuff that usually goes on that I don't really like. But still why do I have to stop doing what I want in order to make everyone else happy? Why do I have to deny what I'm interested in so that other people get what they want? Why do I always have to feel like I'm unimportant and my interests are dumb and superficial? Yeah some of them are. I won't die if I can't watch the MTV VMAs but still the principle of it. . .it sucks. And I've always done this. I'm not someone who will pipe up and say "NO!" when I am being pushed out of the way.
I had hoped that I was going to change. I've always been like this. My interests, my needs, my wishes are unimportant. I can't have what I want. I have to deny myself of everything. That's what I've always felt. And if I try to stand up for myself I am considered a bitch and selfish, and rude, etc, etc, etc.
Green Day has a song called "Boulevard of Broken Dreams." One of the lines is: And I walk alone. I guess I just need to get used to that. Because I do. I walk alone.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
good old pat robertson
If you read my "100 things" list then you saw that one of them says that I hate how people like Pat Robertson give the rest of us Christians a bad name.
Case in point:
Pat Robertson said that we should go ahead and assassinate the president of Venezuela since he thinks we're trying to anyway. Of course he since has made a public apology (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9047102/) but the damage has been done. I have a really problem with that man and the liberties he takes.
Now I will be honest part of me wants to send him a hot-headed e-mail calling him, in the words of Spike in the movie "Notting Hill," a daft prick but the other part of me just wants to pray that God will make him more aware of what he is saying and doing.
This semester I'm taking a general education course that they make all seniors take, Integrative Seminar. The theme of my class is "The Faces of Jesus." The first day we looked at different pictures of how Jesus is portrayed in America including "mocks" of Jesus like in the movie Dogma, the Buddy Christ. And we were asked "do images like this of Jesus result because people want to make fun of Jesus?" Some people said yes. The way people view Jesus is often skewed because of images like the buddy Christ. But then someone said, it's not because of that. They view Jesus in this way because of their interactions with Christians. The professor (and me in my head) was like "EXACTLY!"
Now I'm sure I've done my part in discouraging someone to be a Christian. I still struggle with what I believe. The other day I was telling my roommate that I see the kind of Christian I want to be and the kind of Christian I don't want to be and I don't know how to get to (or away) from it.
But I will keep trying.
Case in point:
Pat Robertson said that we should go ahead and assassinate the president of Venezuela since he thinks we're trying to anyway. Of course he since has made a public apology (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9047102/) but the damage has been done. I have a really problem with that man and the liberties he takes.
Now I will be honest part of me wants to send him a hot-headed e-mail calling him, in the words of Spike in the movie "Notting Hill," a daft prick but the other part of me just wants to pray that God will make him more aware of what he is saying and doing.
This semester I'm taking a general education course that they make all seniors take, Integrative Seminar. The theme of my class is "The Faces of Jesus." The first day we looked at different pictures of how Jesus is portrayed in America including "mocks" of Jesus like in the movie Dogma, the Buddy Christ. And we were asked "do images like this of Jesus result because people want to make fun of Jesus?" Some people said yes. The way people view Jesus is often skewed because of images like the buddy Christ. But then someone said, it's not because of that. They view Jesus in this way because of their interactions with Christians. The professor (and me in my head) was like "EXACTLY!"
Now I'm sure I've done my part in discouraging someone to be a Christian. I still struggle with what I believe. The other day I was telling my roommate that I see the kind of Christian I want to be and the kind of Christian I don't want to be and I don't know how to get to (or away) from it.
But I will keep trying.
Saturday, August 13, 2005
The Whole Nine Yards
I'm watching that movie right now. I wanted to rent The Whole Ten Yards but Blockbuster didn't have it. I need to go get Fools Rush In too. If you are wondering what these movies have in common, here it is: They all have Matthew Perry in it. Who, for some reason, I am completely fascinated with lately. He's so adorable! Who cares that he's like 35. . .and has been in rehab a couple of times and crashed his Porsche into someone's home one time (that was awhile back). He's making two new movies right now. I can't wait! I can't get enough.
After Nine Yard, Charade starring Gary Grant and Audrey Hepburn is on. It's so good!!! If you've never seen it, it's the movie that Julia Roberts character in Pretty Woman is watching before the "piano" scene. It's wonderful.
I also have been pigging out today and not studying for my huge ass test that is on Wednesday!
Oh well
So here's to Dr. Pepper, popcorn, cheetos, Matthew Perry, Gary Grant, and the wonderful Audrey Hepburn! Yay, Saturday night!
After Nine Yard, Charade starring Gary Grant and Audrey Hepburn is on. It's so good!!! If you've never seen it, it's the movie that Julia Roberts character in Pretty Woman is watching before the "piano" scene. It's wonderful.
I also have been pigging out today and not studying for my huge ass test that is on Wednesday!
Oh well
So here's to Dr. Pepper, popcorn, cheetos, Matthew Perry, Gary Grant, and the wonderful Audrey Hepburn! Yay, Saturday night!
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Weak in the knees
Warning: extremely girly cheesy post to follow
The movie "head over heels" is really funny, silly but funny. In it the main female character gets weak in the knees about Freddie Prinze, Jr's character.
Well I hope that when I meet the man of my dreams I react to him the way that I reacted today to this amazingly gorgeous man that walked into the office today. All i said was hi to him. He was probably late 20s, early 30s, the the definition of tall, dark, and handsome. He had beautiful, striking blue eyes. . . .And I only saw him for a moment. I was in the back of the office and had no idea what he was doing there. But I was definitely weak in the knees. . .
:)
Ok the cheesiness is over now.
I will go back to contemplating the really important questions of life, like . . .will I actually wake up tomorrow so I can get Starbucks before work like I've been trying to all week?
The movie "head over heels" is really funny, silly but funny. In it the main female character gets weak in the knees about Freddie Prinze, Jr's character.
Well I hope that when I meet the man of my dreams I react to him the way that I reacted today to this amazingly gorgeous man that walked into the office today. All i said was hi to him. He was probably late 20s, early 30s, the the definition of tall, dark, and handsome. He had beautiful, striking blue eyes. . . .And I only saw him for a moment. I was in the back of the office and had no idea what he was doing there. But I was definitely weak in the knees. . .
:)
Ok the cheesiness is over now.
I will go back to contemplating the really important questions of life, like . . .will I actually wake up tomorrow so I can get Starbucks before work like I've been trying to all week?
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
100 things about me
So my friend Val (www.ruminationsofordinary.blogspot.com) got this idea from another blogging friend of hers to list 100 things about her. So after reading 100 things about each of them I decided to go for it. :)
1. My name is Jodie
2. I am 24 years old
3. My birthday is on January 8
4. I am originally from Illinois
5. I do not have a hometown in IL
6. My dad is a minister
7. We moved every 4 to 5 years (which is why I don't have a hometown)
8. I have an older sister and a younger brother
9. My mom was a stay at home mom
10. My sister is married and has two adorable kids
11. My brother just graduated from college
12. I am in college right now
13. I graduate next May (finally)
14. I started college right out of high school, then after two years, I dropped out
15. After taking 2 years off I moved out to Colorado to go back to college
16. I am majoring in Biology
17. After graduation my preference of what I want to do is in this order: med school, pharmacy school, grad school, nursing
18. Although I want to go into medicine, I've always dreamed of being a recording artist
19. I like almost all kinds of music except rap
20. The only rap I do like is Will Smith
21. The high school I went to only had 100 people (it was public)
22. I played volleyball while in HS
23. I love the TV song "Friends"
24. I am watching reruns of Friends right now
25. I love the following shows on the WB: Gilmore Girls, Everwood, & One Tree Hill
26. I'm hooked on the edited-for-TBS version of Sex and the City
27. I love Coach handbags and accessories
28. My dream purse is a Louis Vuitton
29. I am a total girly-girl meaning I love clothes, shoes, handbags, makeup and InStyle magazine
30. I drive a Ford Ranger
31. My dream car is a BMW or Mercedes
32. My dream house is one in the mountains somewhere but still close to the city
33. My other dream house (or apartment rather) is in NYC
34. I've never been to NYC though
35. It's my number 1 dream US destination
36. There are so many places all over the world I want to go it would take more than the 64 spots on this list I have left
37. My favorite drink is mandarin orange Absolut vodka and Sprite with a slice of orange
38. I am a Christian
39. I feel like I am a horrible one most of the time
40. I want to learn how to surf
41. The best vacation I've had so far in my life was to North Carolina with two friends of mine
42. I want to learn how to ski
43. I have been to 28 states
44. I've only been to Arizona long enough to drive through the corner of it on the way to CA
45. My favorite movie is a tie between Singin In the Rain, American in Paris, and Anchors Aweigh all starring Gene Kelly
46. Oh! Meet Me in St. Louis is a part of the tie as well
47. Going to the movies is one of my favorite things
48. I like going to the movies by myself
49. I didn't want to see the first Lord of the Rings movie
50. My friends took me with them to see it
51. I absolutely loved it
52. I'm working at a title company right now
53. I have worked at a Wal-Mart portrait studio (it sucked)
54. After that, I worked at Dillard's
55. After that, I worked at a real estate company
56. This past spring I played a character in a play that was originally a man's part
57. More than anything I want to get married someday and have a family
58. I am completely single, I don't even have any single male friends
59. i'd love to be proposed to on a mountain
60. If I ever do get married my ceremony will probably be a combination of ideas from all my friends' weddings
61. The idea of eloping and getting married in Las Vegas is appealing
62. Not as appealing as having a church wedding
63. I don't like smoking
64. Sometimes I crave a cigarette so I smoke one
65. Then I remember I don't like it
66. I always finish the whole thing so I am not wasteful
67. The whole time I do this I think "why am I doing this? it's gross"
68. I was on a ministry team for 4 summers
69. I would never dream of doing that now
70. I grew up in the United Methodist church
71. Now if i go to church (which nowadays is rarely) I go to an evangelical Presbyterian church
72. I don't like the bad rep Christians in this country like Pat Robertson give the rest of us
73. I don't think that wearing revealing clothes and being physically sexy is what empowers women. it only cripples them
74. For women to be empowered they need to be taught to be confident, think for themselves, stand up for what they believe in, and remember they are women and we need to be women and not try to be men
75. I believe God created the earth and everything on it
76. I don't believe everything about evolution but I don't believe in a 6-day creation
77. I hate Wal-mart
78. I love Target
79. I have suffered from depression off and on since high school
80. I was on anti-depressants for a few months
81. They didn't work for me so I went off of them
82. I have felt so much better since then
83. My favorite actresses are Julia Roberts, Kate Hudson, and the late Judy Garland and Audrey Hepburn
84. My favorite actors are . . . .all dead. Gene Kelly, Gregory Peck, and Marlon Brando (in his Streetcar days)
85. Movies now aren't as good as movies from the 40s and 50s
86. I have always wanted to be in a production of Guys and Dolls
87. I can't make up my mind if I'd rather be Sarah Brown or Adelaide
88. I am 5'9"
89. I'm not skinny but I'm not too fat either
90. I live with two gals that are studying to get their Masters in Counseling
91. Most of the furniture in my house does not belong to the people who live here
92. This house doesn't have air-conditioning
93. Last summer, I went to a Maroon 5 and John Mayer concert at Red Rocks
94. I love hiking
95. The shows like I love the 80s on VH1 are the best!
96. I'm watching I love 1988 right now
97. I was only 7 years old in 1988
98. I love the St. Louis Cardinals
99. I don't want kiss another guy until I am engaged
100. I'm going to go buy new pants now.
whew!
1. My name is Jodie
2. I am 24 years old
3. My birthday is on January 8
4. I am originally from Illinois
5. I do not have a hometown in IL
6. My dad is a minister
7. We moved every 4 to 5 years (which is why I don't have a hometown)
8. I have an older sister and a younger brother
9. My mom was a stay at home mom
10. My sister is married and has two adorable kids
11. My brother just graduated from college
12. I am in college right now
13. I graduate next May (finally)
14. I started college right out of high school, then after two years, I dropped out
15. After taking 2 years off I moved out to Colorado to go back to college
16. I am majoring in Biology
17. After graduation my preference of what I want to do is in this order: med school, pharmacy school, grad school, nursing
18. Although I want to go into medicine, I've always dreamed of being a recording artist
19. I like almost all kinds of music except rap
20. The only rap I do like is Will Smith
21. The high school I went to only had 100 people (it was public)
22. I played volleyball while in HS
23. I love the TV song "Friends"
24. I am watching reruns of Friends right now
25. I love the following shows on the WB: Gilmore Girls, Everwood, & One Tree Hill
26. I'm hooked on the edited-for-TBS version of Sex and the City
27. I love Coach handbags and accessories
28. My dream purse is a Louis Vuitton
29. I am a total girly-girl meaning I love clothes, shoes, handbags, makeup and InStyle magazine
30. I drive a Ford Ranger
31. My dream car is a BMW or Mercedes
32. My dream house is one in the mountains somewhere but still close to the city
33. My other dream house (or apartment rather) is in NYC
34. I've never been to NYC though
35. It's my number 1 dream US destination
36. There are so many places all over the world I want to go it would take more than the 64 spots on this list I have left
37. My favorite drink is mandarin orange Absolut vodka and Sprite with a slice of orange
38. I am a Christian
39. I feel like I am a horrible one most of the time
40. I want to learn how to surf
41. The best vacation I've had so far in my life was to North Carolina with two friends of mine
42. I want to learn how to ski
43. I have been to 28 states
44. I've only been to Arizona long enough to drive through the corner of it on the way to CA
45. My favorite movie is a tie between Singin In the Rain, American in Paris, and Anchors Aweigh all starring Gene Kelly
46. Oh! Meet Me in St. Louis is a part of the tie as well
47. Going to the movies is one of my favorite things
48. I like going to the movies by myself
49. I didn't want to see the first Lord of the Rings movie
50. My friends took me with them to see it
51. I absolutely loved it
52. I'm working at a title company right now
53. I have worked at a Wal-Mart portrait studio (it sucked)
54. After that, I worked at Dillard's
55. After that, I worked at a real estate company
56. This past spring I played a character in a play that was originally a man's part
57. More than anything I want to get married someday and have a family
58. I am completely single, I don't even have any single male friends
59. i'd love to be proposed to on a mountain
60. If I ever do get married my ceremony will probably be a combination of ideas from all my friends' weddings
61. The idea of eloping and getting married in Las Vegas is appealing
62. Not as appealing as having a church wedding
63. I don't like smoking
64. Sometimes I crave a cigarette so I smoke one
65. Then I remember I don't like it
66. I always finish the whole thing so I am not wasteful
67. The whole time I do this I think "why am I doing this? it's gross"
68. I was on a ministry team for 4 summers
69. I would never dream of doing that now
70. I grew up in the United Methodist church
71. Now if i go to church (which nowadays is rarely) I go to an evangelical Presbyterian church
72. I don't like the bad rep Christians in this country like Pat Robertson give the rest of us
73. I don't think that wearing revealing clothes and being physically sexy is what empowers women. it only cripples them
74. For women to be empowered they need to be taught to be confident, think for themselves, stand up for what they believe in, and remember they are women and we need to be women and not try to be men
75. I believe God created the earth and everything on it
76. I don't believe everything about evolution but I don't believe in a 6-day creation
77. I hate Wal-mart
78. I love Target
79. I have suffered from depression off and on since high school
80. I was on anti-depressants for a few months
81. They didn't work for me so I went off of them
82. I have felt so much better since then
83. My favorite actresses are Julia Roberts, Kate Hudson, and the late Judy Garland and Audrey Hepburn
84. My favorite actors are . . . .all dead. Gene Kelly, Gregory Peck, and Marlon Brando (in his Streetcar days)
85. Movies now aren't as good as movies from the 40s and 50s
86. I have always wanted to be in a production of Guys and Dolls
87. I can't make up my mind if I'd rather be Sarah Brown or Adelaide
88. I am 5'9"
89. I'm not skinny but I'm not too fat either
90. I live with two gals that are studying to get their Masters in Counseling
91. Most of the furniture in my house does not belong to the people who live here
92. This house doesn't have air-conditioning
93. Last summer, I went to a Maroon 5 and John Mayer concert at Red Rocks
94. I love hiking
95. The shows like I love the 80s on VH1 are the best!
96. I'm watching I love 1988 right now
97. I was only 7 years old in 1988
98. I love the St. Louis Cardinals
99. I don't want kiss another guy until I am engaged
100. I'm going to go buy new pants now.
whew!
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Creation, evolution: the ongoing debate
I received my weekly issue of Time magazine today. The cover story: Evolution Wars. It's about the old yet ongoing issue of evolution and creation. Recently, many schools are coming up with curriculum that emphasizes that evolution is a theory (still teaching it) but also giving students the chance to explore other ideas, like intelligent design. It's an interesting article.
They have this question presented in the article: Can you believe in God and evolution? Two of the responses were from people who argue that you can and they do. Then there are two who say it's not possible although one (the president of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary) argues against it more, saying he believes in the 6-day creation, word for word Genesis account.
I used to before I actually studied science. I believe in God, I have my whole life, but there is too much scientific evidence for me to believe that the account is Genesis is some kind of historical fact. In an Old Testament class I took my professor pointed out that the writer, or writers of Genesis did not write it to be a science or history book. It was written as a theological statement. The Bible should not be used to teach us about science and science should not be used to tell us about God.
In the article, Francis Collins, Director of the National Genome Research Institute said something I really like:
"I see no conflict in what the Bible tells me about God and what science tells me about nature. Like St. Augustine in A.D. 400, I do not find the wording of Genesis 1 and 2 to suggest a scientific textbook but a powerful and poetic description of God's intentions in creating the universe. The mechanism of creation is left unspecified. If God, who is all powerful and who is not limited by space and time, chose to use the mechanism of evolution to create you and me, who are we to say that wasn't an absolutely elegant plan? And if God has now given us the intelligence and the opportunity to discover his methods, that is something to celebrate."
(Time magazine, August 15, 2005, page 34)
I think different views should be taught in science classes. I think die-hard evolutionists should consider the basis for people who believe in intelligent design and die-hard 6 day creationists should look at the scientific evidence. One thing I also think: they should spend too much time on it. There is so much to learn when it comes to science if you dwell on the origin part you miss all the good stuff!!!!
Another thing: there are so many things that Christians need to pay attention to that it is worthless to spend too much on a debate that will most likely never end.
They have this question presented in the article: Can you believe in God and evolution? Two of the responses were from people who argue that you can and they do. Then there are two who say it's not possible although one (the president of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary) argues against it more, saying he believes in the 6-day creation, word for word Genesis account.
I used to before I actually studied science. I believe in God, I have my whole life, but there is too much scientific evidence for me to believe that the account is Genesis is some kind of historical fact. In an Old Testament class I took my professor pointed out that the writer, or writers of Genesis did not write it to be a science or history book. It was written as a theological statement. The Bible should not be used to teach us about science and science should not be used to tell us about God.
In the article, Francis Collins, Director of the National Genome Research Institute said something I really like:
"I see no conflict in what the Bible tells me about God and what science tells me about nature. Like St. Augustine in A.D. 400, I do not find the wording of Genesis 1 and 2 to suggest a scientific textbook but a powerful and poetic description of God's intentions in creating the universe. The mechanism of creation is left unspecified. If God, who is all powerful and who is not limited by space and time, chose to use the mechanism of evolution to create you and me, who are we to say that wasn't an absolutely elegant plan? And if God has now given us the intelligence and the opportunity to discover his methods, that is something to celebrate."
(Time magazine, August 15, 2005, page 34)
I think different views should be taught in science classes. I think die-hard evolutionists should consider the basis for people who believe in intelligent design and die-hard 6 day creationists should look at the scientific evidence. One thing I also think: they should spend too much time on it. There is so much to learn when it comes to science if you dwell on the origin part you miss all the good stuff!!!!
Another thing: there are so many things that Christians need to pay attention to that it is worthless to spend too much on a debate that will most likely never end.
Monday, August 08, 2005
I'm not sure what to call this post. I will just start writing. Ok I have to admit something: I love watching beauty pageants. Always have. I especially love the Miss USA pageants: Miss USA, Miss Universe, and Miss Teen USA. So Miss Teen USA is on now and so of course I'm watching it. I always pay attention to who Miss Illinois is and if she is worthy of representing our state (I'm not quite used to the fact I live in Colorado, it's still not completely home). When I was still in high school a woman from Marion (where I lived) was second runner up for Miss USA, a year or so later Miss Illinois Teen was from Marion and got 1st runner up. Then a girl that I was in a pageant with was Miss Illinois Teen (she won the pageant I was in). Now get this another girl from Marion is Miss Illinois Teen and I knew her older sister. Her older sister was one of those girls that you wished you could hate but you couldn't. She was perfect. She was so nice and absolutely beautiful. She was super talented (she was Sarah Brown in a production of Guys and Dolls) and everyone loved her. As much as I wished I could dislike her I couldn't. But I admit I was jealous. She was tall, thin, beautiful, talented, smart, blah, blah, blah. I think she was a runner up in Miss Illinois Teen at one point. oh well. Now I will cheer on her sister.
It's kinda funny that I'm going to watch this pageant. I have been feeling especially ugly and fat lately. I just have no motivation to eat properly and exercise. I need to be studying but I have no motivation for that either.
Yesterday I was thinking about how I wish I could sing. Everytime I watch something about a recording artist and how they got started (yesterday it was the E! True Hollywood Story about Jessica and Ashlee Simpson) I sit there and I'm like "I wish that was me."
But then there's the part of me when I get to reading an article about medical research being done or I hear about a new disease or I volunteer at the hospital that I'm like "I want to be a doctor!"
How crazy is that? I go from wanting a music career to a medical career. I have always known my interests are widespread. What do you do when the world tells you to only pick one thing? Yes, I know, don't listen to them, be yourslf, do your own thing, etc.
Have I mentioned that I want to write? I have realized lately that I really want to get back into it. I used to write all the time but then got out of the habit. So hopefully I'll write more.
Oh geez, Aaron Carter is performing at the pageant. He sounds horrible. :) Kimberley Locke (from American Idol) is performing later; I like her, she's good.
Oh yeah another thing I want, I admit it, I want to meet someone and get married. yup, I do.
Ok I suppose that is enough mindless ramble. Hopefully I'll write more and it'll be entertaining.
It's kinda funny that I'm going to watch this pageant. I have been feeling especially ugly and fat lately. I just have no motivation to eat properly and exercise. I need to be studying but I have no motivation for that either.
Yesterday I was thinking about how I wish I could sing. Everytime I watch something about a recording artist and how they got started (yesterday it was the E! True Hollywood Story about Jessica and Ashlee Simpson) I sit there and I'm like "I wish that was me."
But then there's the part of me when I get to reading an article about medical research being done or I hear about a new disease or I volunteer at the hospital that I'm like "I want to be a doctor!"
How crazy is that? I go from wanting a music career to a medical career. I have always known my interests are widespread. What do you do when the world tells you to only pick one thing? Yes, I know, don't listen to them, be yourslf, do your own thing, etc.
Have I mentioned that I want to write? I have realized lately that I really want to get back into it. I used to write all the time but then got out of the habit. So hopefully I'll write more.
Oh geez, Aaron Carter is performing at the pageant. He sounds horrible. :) Kimberley Locke (from American Idol) is performing later; I like her, she's good.
Oh yeah another thing I want, I admit it, I want to meet someone and get married. yup, I do.
Ok I suppose that is enough mindless ramble. Hopefully I'll write more and it'll be entertaining.
Monday, July 25, 2005
Well nothing much has been happening around here. I've just been working. I got a new roommate. She's cool.
Um. . .yeah. It's raining here this evening and it rained yesterday too. It was wonderful. It cools the temperature so much. It's been really hot here. We have all our windows open and it's so relaxing to hear the rain.
This week I hated that I was in Colorado instead of Illinois: my best friend's mom died. I hated that I couldn't go to her funeral. But her husband was there (he's been gone because he's in the navy) so that was good. I haven't talked to her yet but I think things are going ok. I can't imagine losing one of my parents right now.
I keep going in and out between feeling happy with my life and then sometimes I feel....crappy as always. I am trying not to be but sometimes it's hard. I can't help but feel like my life is just really blah. I'm almost 25 and I'm still trying to get my undergraduate degree. But at the same time I'm glad I'm going after something I really want to (medicine) and that my path led me to Colorado. Even though i don't like my school all that much really I like my professors and that makes it a lot better.
I'm trying to be optimistic that things will get better and I will feel better about things that are going on but sometimes it's hard.
One thing that I have been thinking about a lot though is that fact that I really need to lose some weight. My clothes are getting to the point where they aren't fitting too well and I can't buy new ones (and I don't want to buy larger sizes either!). I really need to do something. But it's so hard. I'm not happy the way I am now. I do want to take better care of myself. It's hard though. I like junk food a LOT and I don't like normal exercise. Oh well maybe something will work out. Like me! Ha!!!!
Um. . .yeah. It's raining here this evening and it rained yesterday too. It was wonderful. It cools the temperature so much. It's been really hot here. We have all our windows open and it's so relaxing to hear the rain.
This week I hated that I was in Colorado instead of Illinois: my best friend's mom died. I hated that I couldn't go to her funeral. But her husband was there (he's been gone because he's in the navy) so that was good. I haven't talked to her yet but I think things are going ok. I can't imagine losing one of my parents right now.
I keep going in and out between feeling happy with my life and then sometimes I feel....crappy as always. I am trying not to be but sometimes it's hard. I can't help but feel like my life is just really blah. I'm almost 25 and I'm still trying to get my undergraduate degree. But at the same time I'm glad I'm going after something I really want to (medicine) and that my path led me to Colorado. Even though i don't like my school all that much really I like my professors and that makes it a lot better.
I'm trying to be optimistic that things will get better and I will feel better about things that are going on but sometimes it's hard.
One thing that I have been thinking about a lot though is that fact that I really need to lose some weight. My clothes are getting to the point where they aren't fitting too well and I can't buy new ones (and I don't want to buy larger sizes either!). I really need to do something. But it's so hard. I'm not happy the way I am now. I do want to take better care of myself. It's hard though. I like junk food a LOT and I don't like normal exercise. Oh well maybe something will work out. Like me! Ha!!!!
Saturday, July 09, 2005
Bad news
Well first of all, I couldn't get Dave Matthews Band tickets. They're going to be at Red Rocks in September. How awesome would that be? I went to see Maroon 5 and John Mayer last summer. It's an awesome venue! And Dave Matthews! It would've been wonderful. Maybe they'll come back someday.
But worse news is that the mother of the little girl who died last week is being investigated for child abuse. Apparently she had shaken and spanked her for like 10 minutes because she wouldn't stop rolling down the window in the car. She was probably doing it because she was hot! Then they left her in the car with the windows only slightly cracked. When they came back she was unconsious. So she was probably already getting really hot and even dehydrated, then she was probably crying and stuggling while her mom was beating her, making her even hotter. Then she was left in the car. I found her obituary online, the funeral was on Friday. She was only 2! The mother was only 19 so she was just a kid herself. It's so sad.
But worse news is that the mother of the little girl who died last week is being investigated for child abuse. Apparently she had shaken and spanked her for like 10 minutes because she wouldn't stop rolling down the window in the car. She was probably doing it because she was hot! Then they left her in the car with the windows only slightly cracked. When they came back she was unconsious. So she was probably already getting really hot and even dehydrated, then she was probably crying and stuggling while her mom was beating her, making her even hotter. Then she was left in the car. I found her obituary online, the funeral was on Friday. She was only 2! The mother was only 19 so she was just a kid herself. It's so sad.
Saturday, July 02, 2005
Hard Day
Today was a hard day at the hospital where I volunteer. I experienced my first fatality. A 2-year old girl was brought in unconscious. The person who brought her in said that they were driving (a long drive) and she passed out from the heat. . .it's possible maybe if she was on the side of the sun and was by the window. I really hope that's the truth.
They rushed her in and immediately performed CPR and got the drugs they needed. Of course, I can't do anything, but I stood in the room and watched. They worked on her for a half an hour. It was really sad. It was good to see how everyone reacted; everyone did what they needed to do. . .and when they pronounced her dead there were things they all needed to do and they did it.
the attending physician was amazing. She did her job and tried to keep everyone calm, gave orders, etc. She made the decision to stop working on her. There was nothing else they could do. Later, though, after they were cleaning her up you could tell she had been crying. It was hard on everybody.
I also saw a guy get a camera put down his esophogus and into his stomach. That part of the day was cool.
They rushed her in and immediately performed CPR and got the drugs they needed. Of course, I can't do anything, but I stood in the room and watched. They worked on her for a half an hour. It was really sad. It was good to see how everyone reacted; everyone did what they needed to do. . .and when they pronounced her dead there were things they all needed to do and they did it.
the attending physician was amazing. She did her job and tried to keep everyone calm, gave orders, etc. She made the decision to stop working on her. There was nothing else they could do. Later, though, after they were cleaning her up you could tell she had been crying. It was hard on everybody.
I also saw a guy get a camera put down his esophogus and into his stomach. That part of the day was cool.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
The best milkshake ever
Here's a recipe for the best milkshake ever:
Coffee ice cream (any brand will do but breyer's is really good)
Milk
Fudge
Nescafe Ice Java iced Coffee syrup, french vanilla
Bailey's irish cream (that's the most important ingredient)
Blend all together and then you'll be sipping paradise!
It's wonderful!!!
Coffee ice cream (any brand will do but breyer's is really good)
Milk
Fudge
Nescafe Ice Java iced Coffee syrup, french vanilla
Bailey's irish cream (that's the most important ingredient)
Blend all together and then you'll be sipping paradise!
It's wonderful!!!
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
My job
Well I got a job! I started the day after I went to the temp agency. I am a receptionist at a title company. It's a lot of fun. I like it a lot. I work from 8 - 5 M-F. It's tiring. When I get home I don't want to do anything. But that's ok cause I work all day. And make good money. I'll have enough money to pay my bills and live on! yay! I won't have to ask mom and dad for anything. which is good because they moved and are a long ways away from a bank (my bank anyway).
Not much else going on. I'ts hot here. And there's no air conditioning where I live. Kinda annoying. Kinda wish I'd known that. oh well.
ok that's all for now. Just wanted to write about my job.
So apparently I saved this as a draft so it didn't show up. But now I will post it
You know what's weird, thinking about someone that you haven't seen or talked to in a long time. There was this friend I had a few years ago that was really cool but we lost contact. . .and for some reason I keep thinking about them (ok it's a guy) and I wish I could talk to him. but i feel weirdl...things didn't end that well between us. I wasn't that nice to him. I wish I had though, he was a really cool guy.
Anyway, just a weird thing.
Not much else going on. I'ts hot here. And there's no air conditioning where I live. Kinda annoying. Kinda wish I'd known that. oh well.
ok that's all for now. Just wanted to write about my job.
So apparently I saved this as a draft so it didn't show up. But now I will post it
You know what's weird, thinking about someone that you haven't seen or talked to in a long time. There was this friend I had a few years ago that was really cool but we lost contact. . .and for some reason I keep thinking about them (ok it's a guy) and I wish I could talk to him. but i feel weirdl...things didn't end that well between us. I wasn't that nice to him. I wish I had though, he was a really cool guy.
Anyway, just a weird thing.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Thursday
So I'm going to an interview today for a temp agency. It's mainly office and clerical work, which is cool cause I could get good money. I looked online and this company has offerings for jobs that pay at least $10.00/hr.
One of the things I need for this job is two forms of ID, so my driver's license and my SS card. I couldn't find it! I took it out of the wallet it was in and I couldn't remember where I put it. So this may not seem like a big deal but I calmly looked through. I asked God to help me. Usually in these situations I freak out and get all flustered and mad that I could be so stupid to just put my SS card somewhere that I didn't know where to find it. But I didn't want to do that this time. So, I calmly looked in different boxes I thought it may be in until I found it.
I was proud of myself. It's so easy for me to get all mad and flustered and then I get mad at myself for being all flustered and angry.
So now I will go and hope for the best. It would be great to find something full time especially for the summer but even part time will work at this point.
My parents have been great about helping me out financially but I hate having them have to. They're limited financially enough as it is. But they're being great about it. I have realized that I really do have wonderful parents. I couldn't say that a few years ago but now I realize how much they have given me. They have changed as well.
Well I'll let you know about what happens at the agency.
Wish me luck!
One of the things I need for this job is two forms of ID, so my driver's license and my SS card. I couldn't find it! I took it out of the wallet it was in and I couldn't remember where I put it. So this may not seem like a big deal but I calmly looked through. I asked God to help me. Usually in these situations I freak out and get all flustered and mad that I could be so stupid to just put my SS card somewhere that I didn't know where to find it. But I didn't want to do that this time. So, I calmly looked in different boxes I thought it may be in until I found it.
I was proud of myself. It's so easy for me to get all mad and flustered and then I get mad at myself for being all flustered and angry.
So now I will go and hope for the best. It would be great to find something full time especially for the summer but even part time will work at this point.
My parents have been great about helping me out financially but I hate having them have to. They're limited financially enough as it is. But they're being great about it. I have realized that I really do have wonderful parents. I couldn't say that a few years ago but now I realize how much they have given me. They have changed as well.
Well I'll let you know about what happens at the agency.
Wish me luck!
Sunday, June 12, 2005
What keeps going on
So today I pretty much had a breakdown which involved a 45 minute phone call to my parents. Lately hearing what they have to say doesn't annoy me as much.
I feel like I am so screwed up right now. I don't feel diligent enough about getting a job and that makes me feel guilty because my parents are footing all the bills right now. It seems that all I do is watch movies (Friday there were a bunch of Judy Garland movies on, how could I resist?) and VH1. Ugh. I have been to some interviews, all for part time jobs that I probably would enjoy to some extent but they're not really what I want to do.
But I guess the biggest thing is my spiritual life or lack there of. I have no interest in going to church, reading my Bible, or praying. But this thing called Christianity is still such a big part of my life I can't imagine not following God. But I'm afraid of what following God wholly and completely will mean. In my mind, it means giving up things I don't want to give up, doing something I don't want to do and basically hating my life. I'm not sure how my mind will change about that. Supposedly, following God will bring freedom and joy.
Another hard thing is the fact that I grew up hating church and the people in it, I grew up thinking there was always something wrong with me because I wasn't as spiritual as someone else, etc. I always felt like I wasn't good enough at anything.
And now I'm in Colorado, at first things seemed to be going ok, then everything fell apart again. Now again I'm surrounded by people who are considered more spiritual, more loved by God, and who are probably going to do something great. It made me mad as hell when we prayed for people going on mission trips this summer in chapel. Apparently only people doing something with "ministry" attached to it are worth praying for. I feel like I'm just surrounded by people who are happy or doing a damn better job at pretending.
Then again, I decided a long time ago I didn't want to pretend, it was too exhausting.
I need God. I need to know the God that loves me and will give me peace and joy. A God that will take all these ugly things away, all the hate, the anger, and the bitterness.
I'm sick of the legalistic Christianity that I keep buying into. I'm sick of the American Christianity that rejects people for who they are and expects me to go along with them. I want nothing to do with it.
I feel like I am so screwed up right now. I don't feel diligent enough about getting a job and that makes me feel guilty because my parents are footing all the bills right now. It seems that all I do is watch movies (Friday there were a bunch of Judy Garland movies on, how could I resist?) and VH1. Ugh. I have been to some interviews, all for part time jobs that I probably would enjoy to some extent but they're not really what I want to do.
But I guess the biggest thing is my spiritual life or lack there of. I have no interest in going to church, reading my Bible, or praying. But this thing called Christianity is still such a big part of my life I can't imagine not following God. But I'm afraid of what following God wholly and completely will mean. In my mind, it means giving up things I don't want to give up, doing something I don't want to do and basically hating my life. I'm not sure how my mind will change about that. Supposedly, following God will bring freedom and joy.
Another hard thing is the fact that I grew up hating church and the people in it, I grew up thinking there was always something wrong with me because I wasn't as spiritual as someone else, etc. I always felt like I wasn't good enough at anything.
And now I'm in Colorado, at first things seemed to be going ok, then everything fell apart again. Now again I'm surrounded by people who are considered more spiritual, more loved by God, and who are probably going to do something great. It made me mad as hell when we prayed for people going on mission trips this summer in chapel. Apparently only people doing something with "ministry" attached to it are worth praying for. I feel like I'm just surrounded by people who are happy or doing a damn better job at pretending.
Then again, I decided a long time ago I didn't want to pretend, it was too exhausting.
I need God. I need to know the God that loves me and will give me peace and joy. A God that will take all these ugly things away, all the hate, the anger, and the bitterness.
I'm sick of the legalistic Christianity that I keep buying into. I'm sick of the American Christianity that rejects people for who they are and expects me to go along with them. I want nothing to do with it.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Illinois
So I guess it's been awhile since I've written anything. I went to Illinois for almost 2 weeks. It was great. I almost didn't want to come back. I miss my family a lot sometimes. Too bad I dislike Illinois so much. My neice and nephew are so wonderful. I got to see my neice's dance recital. She was so cute! I also got to see my sister and my friends, including my best friend and her new baby! She's so adorable! We didn't do anything all day but that was ok, it was great seeing her; I hadn't in over a year. She has a lot going on right now and it amazes me how well she has handled it all. (which she probably won't agree that she has when she reads this, but she has)
I also got to see my friends who share a love of the WB. We enjoyed the season finale of Everwood together. it's wonderful watching my shows with people who don't talk during the show. Seriously we'd talk during the commercial and as soon as the show came back on we'd immediately stop. It was great.
I really wanted to go see a Cardinals game especially because it's the last season in Busch Stadium but I didn't get to, oh well. It was a great, relaxing time. And I got to bring back the furniture I wanted to! So now I won't live out of a suitcase.
but now it is time to go back to my real life with my number one goal being to find a job. ugh.
I also got to see my friends who share a love of the WB. We enjoyed the season finale of Everwood together. it's wonderful watching my shows with people who don't talk during the show. Seriously we'd talk during the commercial and as soon as the show came back on we'd immediately stop. It was great.
I really wanted to go see a Cardinals game especially because it's the last season in Busch Stadium but I didn't get to, oh well. It was a great, relaxing time. And I got to bring back the furniture I wanted to! So now I won't live out of a suitcase.
but now it is time to go back to my real life with my number one goal being to find a job. ugh.
Saturday, May 07, 2005
Freedom
I am officially free from ever having to deal with the residence life office of CCU for the rest of my life. At least I hope so; I never want to live on campus again.
Cleaning is the worst. I even cleaned more after I officially checked out to help out the other girls who are still there. It's so tiring. After cleaning from top to bottom and scrubbing every inch of that apartment it makes me never want to clean ever again. Or at least not for a long time.
I don't have to do anything for awhile. Well i need to go find a job which is not going to be easy. I have to be able to go home for my brother's graduation so unless an employer will be nice and let that happen I may be jobless for a few weeks. Which I hate that means mom and dad will be footing some bills. I always hate that. I want to make enough money to support myself, at least for the most part. It'll be hard while in school.
Anyway.
I got all moved into my new place. I think I'll like it. I'm living with two other girls now. Better than 4. . and i get my own room so if i want to lock myself in I can. woohoo!
I think I just want to sit and knit and read. Of course that's hard when we have cable and I'm already addicted to VH1! It's ridiculous!
i guess that's about it. It's time for bed. i get to sleep in tomorrow.
Cleaning is the worst. I even cleaned more after I officially checked out to help out the other girls who are still there. It's so tiring. After cleaning from top to bottom and scrubbing every inch of that apartment it makes me never want to clean ever again. Or at least not for a long time.
I don't have to do anything for awhile. Well i need to go find a job which is not going to be easy. I have to be able to go home for my brother's graduation so unless an employer will be nice and let that happen I may be jobless for a few weeks. Which I hate that means mom and dad will be footing some bills. I always hate that. I want to make enough money to support myself, at least for the most part. It'll be hard while in school.
Anyway.
I got all moved into my new place. I think I'll like it. I'm living with two other girls now. Better than 4. . and i get my own room so if i want to lock myself in I can. woohoo!
I think I just want to sit and knit and read. Of course that's hard when we have cable and I'm already addicted to VH1! It's ridiculous!
i guess that's about it. It's time for bed. i get to sleep in tomorrow.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Deep cave
So I wouldn't mind crawling up in a cave and just never coming out. I mean I could just have some food, some books (I've gotten all into reading again the last week or so) and knitting needles and yarn! I just learned how on Saturday. And I'll probably go ahead and bring my laptop as long as I'd have some kind of internet access (it's the 21st century surely there are caves with it by now) because the only people worth talking to are online, of course, that's not always that great either. Well I could get by without it.
I can just knit and read.
I just wish I had something to look forward to. I have nothing. I'm sick of being sick of everything.
I had a dream the other night that my mom was trying to pray for me and I told her to shut up. Then I had a dream that I was falling down something like an elevator shaft but then all of a sudden to a "falling" up again and landed on a balcony or something. But then there were pigeons who were pecking at me. Stupid pigeons.
Something has got to change soon. I can't keep being like this.
I can just knit and read.
I just wish I had something to look forward to. I have nothing. I'm sick of being sick of everything.
I had a dream the other night that my mom was trying to pray for me and I told her to shut up. Then I had a dream that I was falling down something like an elevator shaft but then all of a sudden to a "falling" up again and landed on a balcony or something. But then there were pigeons who were pecking at me. Stupid pigeons.
Something has got to change soon. I can't keep being like this.
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