Over

Thank God this week is over. I got my paper and did my presentation without too much stress. I didn't take off to go for a walk at 5 am, which is always good. I had to sing this morning which sucked. Afterwards I just felt like crap, thinking I am no good at anything. Then I went shopping. That's always fun.
I watched the movie Adaptation tonight. It was cool. The guy who wrote it (and who it is about) also wrote Being John Malkovich and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. So now it makes me want to see those movies.

So enough about the basics. Now it is time for some abstract thought.
Why is it that we want things that we know are not good for us? And that we can't have? What happens inside that when we see something or someone, we desire it? We think that it will satisfy something in us that seems to be missing. And just for one moment we want to ignore the part of us that is telling us that what we think we want is not good for us.
Sometimes I wish I could separate myself from the thoughts and what I know is right. I wish I could separate myself from my emotions.
Ok I'm done now.

Joys and frustrations

The joys:
Spring break is only 3 days away and it looks like I'll be going to Albequerque
and the best thing: Val had her baby!!!!!

The frustrations:
I have a Chem test tomorrow that I still haven't studied for
I have a 10 page paper and 15 min presentation to work on for Thursday that isn't even started yet
I don't know all my lines for the play yet
I don't know my songs for voice lessons as well as I should.
And I feel like I have no time!!! No it's just I don't have any motivation.

Only 3 more days before it's all over for a week. Of course I still have stuff to do during break. All the little stuff that hasn't gotten done (and memorizing my lines) because I spend so much on the big stuff.
oh well.
The happiest thing is Val had her baby! A little girl. I'm so happy for her. I just know she's absolutely beautiful.

More craziness

Ok so I never thought I'd wish I was back at Greenville College. Ok maybe not exactly. But I really wish I was in an atmosphere like that.
In the words of the geek guy in 10 Things I Hate About You "The shit hath hit-eth the fan-eth" Here at Colorado Christian University we found out that one of our best-loved religion professors is going on a "sabbotical" and not coming back. This sabbotical is more like the school not renewing his contract (therefore not voluntary) and is a link to wanting to rid the school of any teaching that is too liberal. Now I know that there are some views that some of the professors hold that not everyone agrees with, but when will everyone agree? When I decided to come here (besides it being in Colorado) I wanted a Christian university that I could have a Christ-centered education. I wanted a place where I could learn and be challenged. However that has not happened. Yes, I've learned but I've gone from being at a school that was challenging (faith-wise) to a school who will do anything not to step on anyone's toes (Namely parents and over-zealous alumni). It's so frustrating.
This afternoon we had a meeting that addressed some of the issues brought up. One of them being whether or not the University is going to become a school with more of an indoctrinating, "Bible college" type atmosphere. They say no. But as someone in the meeting said what is said isn't what i necessarily see happening. I tend to agree. I don't think we're necessarily going to be indoctrinated but I do think the school isn't going to challenge the students. They don't want to make the students think too much or cause too much controversy.
It's hard to figure out exactly. During the meeting the President of the University talked a lot but never really said anything. It was frustrating. He refused to answer questions. He just skirted around the issues that people brought up.
Only one more year now. . .I still wish that I was going somewhere else sometimes.

Craziness of life

I was alone all weekend. It pretty much sucked. No not pretty much. . .it did suck. And then all the homework I had managed to slip my mind so then I was stressed out about that all on Sunday night. Then I woke up late. . .I actually went to class though so that's good. I'm doing better now.
I went through a little breakdown last night though. I've been thinking a lot about God stuff and life/future stuff. And it just all hit the fan after this weekend. I didn't get much sleep. Which is why I overslept this morning.
Oh well. Hopefully the rest of the week will be better. . .even though I have so much to do. The next two weeks are going to be crazy!
I'd write more but I'm jamming to Bon Jovi and Def Leppard. :)

Boys

Whenever I have hung out with a group of guys, I usually have fun. Guys are fun to hang out with. There is just something about it.
It has been awhile since I have hung out with guys on a regular basis. Really the only time I do is when I go bowling. The guys who live across the hall are adorable. I wish I could actually get to know them. (well 2 of them, and 1 especially) But oh well. At least I have bowling.
Sometimes it sucks because they their "boys' club." Why isn't going out with the girls as much fun or as appealing? It would be fun to be able to have a cool mixed club. :) Sometimes I miss having a group of people to hang with. Really I don't have one. but oh well.
I'm just being silly. It's 1:30 am and I am trying to make myself tired so I can go to bed. It's not working.
But I have no idea what else to type right now so I'm going to go. llalallalalallalala. . . and I have school tomorrow! eeek!

Randomness

My best friend is having a baby. Pretty much anyday now really. I saw new pictures of her and she is SO pregnant! I almost started crying when I saw them. Just to think that she has a little person inside of her. . . I'm so sad that I haven't been able to see her and pat her belly :) After the baby is born I get to go shopping for her, though, yay! You know what's funny? Last night I was having dreams that I was waiting for a call to find out that she had the baby.
Yesterday my roommate wanted to go to a Christian bookstore to look for a book so we went. Someday I want to write a book about being single and happy. Not single, and happy enough until you get married. You look in the singles section and it's all about how to get by until marriage. Or finding a husband or wife. OH my! I think about it enough already! Sometimes it's hard not to think something is wrong with me or that no one will ever want me because I'm not a perfect Christian. I've been enjoying my single life lately. I have been able to just concentrate on school and have fun with my friends. (Yes I admit sometimes too much fun but still). And I can be happy for my friends who are married, having kids, or that are engaged. It's fun to watch it all unfold.
I think I need to find a job. I like to shop too much and without one I have too much time on my hands. Too bad I can't take all that time and study. Or memorize my lines for the play. Oh well :)
Colorado is beautiful. It's so beautiful today. I wish I could go to the mountains. Maybe I'll take a drive today.

A thought

So today I was thinking about school and the things I want to accomplish. To accomplish those things I have to do well in school. I have to be motivated and constantly active in my understanding of different subjects. While in my bioethics class, I wondered: Am I afraid to really do well? Am I afraid that if I actually apply myself that things I want to happen will happen? Am I afraid to live up to the intelligence I know I have? Is there a part of me who just wants to go through life not caring and not having to live up to anything?
I know that if I apply myself I can do really well. I could have straight As. I could fill out a medical school application in a few years and schools would be begging me for interviews (ok maybe not really but I'd get an interview). But maybe there's a part of me who only wants to be mediocre so I have a valid excuse for not accomplishing what I want.
I don't have anyone to look to when it comes to wanting to being more than I see around me. I have no one to look to when it comes to wanting a career and a family. I have no model of what a wonderful Christian woman who is working outside the home and raising a family looks like. I'm nuts. Why do I even think about these things?
BTW, I'm really proud of myself, I must say. I got through Valentine's Day wonderfully! There was a lot of bitterness around me but I was just like, eh! No big deal. Having a husband is definitely something I want but I also want it to be exactly what I need when I need it. And I know it will happen when I'm ready. No use in worrying about it. Even though at this wonderful Christian college we're only surrounded by it all the time. Ohwell, comes with the territory.
ok that's all for now.
Only a couple more weeks before my wonderful best friend is a mommy! yayay!!
time to do homework!

My new tradition

Last year on Valentine's day I went shopping. Today I went as well. I think it should just become a tradition. I found such cute stuff! And it was on sale! I found some wonderful black boots and little white tennis shoes. I got two adorable sweaters including a red cashmere one! On sale! It was so exciting! And now I am spending time studying the heart and with Gene Kelly (I'm watching Singin In the Rain). I love Gene Kelly. He's wonderful. OOO then maybe I could watch An American in Paris. Ah Gene Kelly in good old Parie, singing Gershwin, and dancing on a piano.
Ok time to go back to studying. I have a test on Monday. The circulatory system and the heart are so interesting! There's so much that goes on! It amazes me!

Valentine's Weekend

Ah, valentine's day. The Hallmark holiday. I remember last year. My roommate and I went shopping. We had a lot of fun. This year I'll be so busy with getting homework done I won't even have time to think about it.
There is a lot of bitterness surrounding me right now in regards to this holiday. I am trying very hard to have a positive attitude about it. I don't want to look at this time of year and be moaning about being alone. Yes sometimes it's hard but in the past few days and weeks I've tried looking at being alone as a good thing. I mean I do want a relationship someday but I don't want a meaningless one. I don't want just any guy, I want THE guy. And I'm willing to wait for it no matter how long. Ok so I hope I don't have to wait until I'm forty but I know I could make it.
I bought the movie, The Notebook this week. I absolutely love it. One thing my roommate mentioned about it was that you can see the image of Christ's love for us in the movie. When Noah is pursuing Allie, he pursues her relentlessly even though at first, she isn't interested. And then he invites her to be free. And then he dances with her, wooing her with a sweet melody. I want to be pursued by a guy that way that Jesus pursues me. I will accept no less.
Valentine's Day certainly isn't my favorite right now but I hope someday to enjoy it. But until then. . .I will just try not to think about it and enjoy this time I have alone. Lately it's been kinda cool. Lots of cool stuff is happening right now. . .I'm enjoying school, I'm in a play, and the other day, I worshipped in a way that I hadn't in awhile. Grace overtook me for a short time. It was short, but it was wonderful at the same time.
I just thought, even though things for me are going pretty well right now, it seems that so many people I know are going through a lot. Sometimes I'm afraid I will not be able to be supportive. I hope I can though.
Ok time for bed.

May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, the extravagent love of God, the intimate friendship of the Holy Spirit be with you.

Being bad is so much fun

There are many times when I have thought this. I must admit that I like doing things that I know aren't 100% beneficial for me. Like going bowling. No the bowling part isn't the bad part, but the reason people started going bowling: $1 beer. Now I can only drink beer after having a couple good drinks before hand. We went last night and I indulged in a couple girly drinks and even a beer and for some reason I choose to indulge in some Camel Exotic Blends cigarettes. You know after about 3 I realized why I don't smoke. But at the same time it was kinda fun. It's amazing how social it all is. I think going to the bowling alley and hanging out with all the guys (including the cute guy from Georgia who actually looks incredibly hot smoking a cigar) gives me a sense of actually belonging. I need that from time to time. Even though I need that social interaction, I'm looking forward to the weekend; I'm going to hang out with a friend of mine and then do homework all weekend and be alone. I have some stuff to catch up on. And our apartment will be quiet this weekend so I can just concentrate (I hope).
Oh and just FYI, I am not going to start smoking or anything. They really are gross and not good for you. Not a habit I want to have. But every 3 or 4 years it fun to curb the slight craving I seem to have every once in awhile.
And being around guys when they're all being very guy-y is interesting. It's been awhile. I haven't really hung out with guys for like 4 years. i think there's still a part of me that is a little scared just because of all the crap I've been through. But oh well.
anyway that's just stuff that I was thinking about. I could think about it deeper and really contemplate why people do things they know aren't necessarily good. I guess it's part of that human nature thing. I know I can't be "good" on my own and my nature gets in the way a lot. And sometimes I just really don't care. Sometimes I don't want to be good. Sometimes being bad is just more fun :)

Woohoo!!!

I'm in a play! I am playing a senator. It's going to be cool. The play is called The Curious Savage. I haven't read it all yet but it seems really cool. I'm so excited. I've always wanted to be in a play and I always felt like I never had a chance. And now I do! I'm so excited! I said that already didn't I? :)
I've been feeling so good today. And really for the last week. I'm not messing with my medicine anymore. I really don't think it was doing much. I've been motivated to do school work (well for the most part) and I've been eating better and exercising. It's fun!
Ok that's all for now. It's so weird being in a good mood. I like it. I hope it lasts and when things aren't so great, I hope I can work through it. I think I'll be able to. We'll see.

:)

I annoy the. . .

crap out of myself. Just as I thought I wouldn't think about a certain guy and gotten past my 2 seconds of thinking I might like him, the thoughts come back. He's funny, nice, and he's not a super-Christian who's so outgoing that he doesn't remember the people he meets. He can talk to people without being annoying. But other than those things I don't know anything about him. I never have the chance to hang out with him except when the whole "crew" is hanging out. And then it's this little exclusive group of 3: him, his roommate, and one of my roommates. Everyone else is there but not quite in the club.
I'm a cool person, I'm worth liking. Of course even if we did get to know each other, I don't think that it would the right time for anything. I'm still working through stuff (btw, have I mentioned that I have been feeling wonderful the last week or so?) and trying to focus on school. He seems to be figuring out stuff too. And really into just having fun and partying a lot. He does like to drink. . .but oh well, so do I. :) But I'm all about the moderation, I promise.
He seems like he'd be hard to get to know really. Of course I am too. I don't know. I won't worry about it (or at least I'll try) and whatever happens, happens.

Too much thinking

One thing that happens to me when I get to thinking too much is that I am unable to fall asleep. Tonight is one of those nights. So until my doctor-prescribed sleeping pill kicks in I decided to write.
I had a good chat this evening with one of my roommates. Nice, good, honest talk. That kind of sharing I can handle.
One thing I can't handle is what happened Friday night. I went to this little get together at a guy's house (I know him through my roommates). For the most part it was fun, we talked, laughed, ate, and played cards. But also a part of the evening was going to be a time of sharing. Like sharing what was going on in our lives. I knew 4 people there and I didn't know them very well. All the rest were ones I didn't know at all. I was very uncomfortable. Two people that I knew were also uncomfortable with the idea of talking about their lives with complete strangers. So we bolted. One girl brought up watching Superman movies and at that point anything sounded better than that so we took off. It took us two Blockbusters to find all four movies, but we found them. So we watched two and then ended up staying up until 6 am and then slept until 11 am. It was great even though the people that we had gone with to the party weren't too thrilled at us bailing :). We laughed about it a lot. All three of us would have been massively uncomfortable.
To quote one of my favorite movies: "Life is a pain in the ass." It really is. The last few months have been hell. I don't know what this semester is going to hold. I am constantly thinking about my life and what kind of life I want to live. I am always contemplating what it means for me to be a Christian and what I believe about God. Tonight I realized (again) that I can't give it up. It's too much a part of me. And my faith is different than others. I want to be open and honest and compassionate. I want to know that God can work in many different ways. I think Jesus reveals himself to me in ways I do not expect. He knows my struggles and right now conventional ways of revelation (like the Bible and intense prayer) don't seem to affect me. Maybe the revelations I experience now will lead me to those once again but until then, he is reaching me through things that happen with people I know, with conversations, and with seemingly random experiences.
I am slowly realizing the strength I have and the person that I am. In turn I think that it will help me to realize the person of Jesus.
So those are the thoughts I have at 3 am. My pill is beginning to kick in so I think I will now cuddle up with my covers and sleep for a long time. No school tomorrow yayayayay!

I'm back

Well I am back in CO. I could've written during break but I didn't.

This semester is going to be interesting, I think. I am in Anatomy, Chemistry, and Bioethics. Also I am going to take voice lessons. I think it'll be a good balance. I really hope this semester goes better than last semester. I am really going to try to work hard and get it all together.
Today was our first chapel. It was just praise and worship. I couldn't participate. Right now I'm so out of it when it comes to things having to do with God. I about went nuts having to be around my parents over break. They're always talking about something having to do with church, faith, etc. But they're all charasmatic about it and I get so sick of it. I have tried that stuff before and I didn't have a good experience. Mom is always talking about trusting God about everything and just praying about whatever is going on. And I'm sick of it. I can't trust God with my life. I don't know how. One song we sang was about giving God our dreams and the only thing I could think was that I didn't have any dreams to trust God with, in my mind he took them all away. I mean right now I have nothing to look forward to. After last semester I don't think medical school will happen. So now what?
Who knows. Stuff with school, God, and my whole life is just crazy.
It will probably always be crazy. I still don't want to completely give up but I don't know if I have the motivation to try to get anything figured out. The faith of my parents is not what I want. It doesn't appeal to me at all. the emotional crap is just not my thing. I can't depend on it. I have before and it just lets me down.

You know I always think of things I want to write about but then I always forget when I start writing. Oh well.

It is finished

Well the fall 2004 semester is finished. There is no more to do. I had my last final this morning. I think I did ok on it. I got everything turned in even though a lot of it was not done as well as it should've been. I'm so glad it's over.
I fly to IL tomorrow. It's going to be interesting being at my parents' for 3 weeks. I'm going to be visiting people off and on. I get to go to steak n shake! In fact, I get to go to steak and shake in like less than 12 hours! Woohoo!
It's going to be an interesting Christmas break. I am bringing books home to read. I'm determined to read "The Two Towers" and "The Return of the King." I finished Fellowship last Christmas but never got around to reading the other two.
I want this break to be relaxing and . . . relaxing. Even though I know there are going to be parts that are stressful. But that can't be helped. Maybe the stressful parts will end up being something halfway decent. We'll see.

Well have a merry christmas!

Well. . .

I'm flying home for Christmas. Found a cheap plane ticket (cheap enough anyway). Still disappointed though. I was really looking forward to driving with him. Oh well.
However, I did talk to him about him just springing this on us (my roommate and I). I never confront people when I am upset with them. I told him he should be honored. :)
So now I can't be mad at him. He's still adorable. GRRR. He was so nice about it.

And today, besides going to Applebee's and having a steak and a perfect margarita, was very frustrating. I got to makeup a quiz I missed and I failed it. I took my bio final this morning. Maybe. . .just maybe pulled off a B; completely and utterly failed my anatomy final. Didn't know about 3/4 of the stuff on it. Basically because I just gave up on studying. I couldn't concentrate at all yesterday and I've been staying up super late and will be tonight as well. I can't wait until this week is over. Then I'll get to go spend 3 weeks at my parents. . . .yay. Looking forward to that. . . ugh.

Stupid Idiot

Well normally I'm not into "signs." You know like in the movie Serendipity? Know how I was supposed to ride home with one of my roommates and the guy that I like? Yeah well he's a punk and he backed out and now our plans for getting home for Christmas are all up in the air.
So now I'm taking this as a sign that I shouldn't like him. Because he's obviously an asshole and now the fact that I was going to get to ride with him and talk to him so I could get to know him better is destroyed, what's the point?
I mean it's less than a week before we leave and he never said anything. I happened to be at his apartment and saw that he was looking at airline info online and then later we went to talk to him and found out that he's bailing. I seriously wonder if he was going to even say anything.
Stupid Idiot

Today

Well today I am feeling a little better. I actually feel like I can sit down and get my schoolwork completed and study for my finals. I have until midnight to finish and e-mail a couple of assignments. Then tomorrow (since I no longer have a job) I can work on my paper and another assignment. It's going to be a long weekend. I hope it goes well. I can't handle another crappy one.
Only one more week of the semester! In one week I will be cleaning and finishing packing. I can't wait.
I just really want this week to go well. I don't know if I can handle another one like this week. Even if I could handle it, I don't want to. I want to be able to study and do well on my finals. I need to.
Anyway so hopefully this weekend will go better than last weekend and this week.

Shit part 2

You know I don't know why I bother wanting to hang out with people or looking forward to hanging out with people. Apparently there is something about me that makes people cringe and even though I've hung out with them before they feel I am not worthy any longer or something.
I've always had this problem. I'm always the one left out and the one that doesn't get invited to anything. And right now my first response is F#%& it I don't need them. I don't need anyone. At the rate I'm going now I might as well just look forward to being alone all my life. I always have been. I've survived. What the hell? Obviously there is something about me that makes people run the other way.
But the thing is I don't think I'm that bad. Sure I'm quiet but once I get to know people I'm outgoing and fun. I love making friends and finding out everything about them. I want them to know me and know that when it comes down to it I can be a good friend.
But you know, who gives a shit at this point. I've made it 23 years alone, I can make it another 23 and another 23 after that.
I can't help but wonder where God is in all of this. I don't know what to think of God or even how to go about finding out anything. I can't right now. I really don't know what to do with a god that apparently likes to see me suffer. A god who doesn't seem to give a shit about me. Seriously, why do I even bother?
I hate feeling like this. It sucks. But it looks like I may as well get used to it.

Shit

If you're offended by the title of this post then you shouldn't be reading it. I feel like shit right now so get over my choice of words. It's the only way to express myself at this point.
And for those of you who don't mind the title, thank you for being understanding and sympathic and not a pharisee.
So yeah I feel like shit right now. The last week has been super super super super crappy. I have no motivation to do anything and I am way far behind in my classes. I haven't gone to class in a week. I'll be lucky if I make it tomorrow. I have a shitload of homework to finish and I just can't make my do it. I am just so frustrated with everything right now.
I'm frustrated with my parents, school, people in general, my stupid job, and just everything!
I haven't been this depressed in awhile. I really don't know what's wrong with me.
The only thing I'm looking forward to my ride home for Christmas. But even then, I just keep thinking it'll end up sucking.
I know I'll be ok and won't do anything too stupid but I'm ready for this funk to be over.
Ok that's about it about the shit. If you know me well enough you already know the details. And to those, thanks for being there for me.