Randomness from today

So all weekend I couldn't make myself do anything. I watched too many movies and thought about too much.
So then I went to bed and kept waking up thinking I really should get up and study and get my homework finished, yeah right.
So I took my bio test. . .I didn't fail but I still didn't do very well. I got a B on my chem test. Not bad I suppose. I think I'll come out of that class with a B or A-.
Tonight I went to chipotle with my roommates (and a couple of other girls) including this girl who has a crush on the same guy I now like. At one point my roommate and I were laughing about something about him and everyone was like "tell me! tell me!" And I was like NO I can't. . .talk about awkward.
I saw him today; I couldn't really talk to him but I told him about my chem test. I'm going to ask him about his weekend when I see him in chapel tomorrow. I hope he's there. I am so intent on NOT being stupid and girly around him. I want to just be myself. And I think I'm pretty damn cool. :)

It's been so long since I've had a relationship. It's kinda scary to think about it. I know I haven't always treated guys very well but it seems like I got hurt a lot. Guys that I thought were something special were just jerks and used me. I mean I've kissed more guys than I've actually dated. Even though I would be thinking "I shouldn't be doing this" I wasn't strong enough to stand up for myself. And I liked it most of the time anyway. Kissing is fun. But it also got to the point where it didn't mean anything. I was just giving myself to these guys and losing a part of myself everytime. And I think I'm still paying for it. I mean there's still a part of me that craves that physical aspect that I'm afraid I'll mess up again. For 3 years or so now, I've said that when it does come time for me to be in a relationship, I don't want to kiss until I'm engaged. I don't want the physical stuff to be the main focus. I mean I want to hold hands and have a guy put his arm around me but I don't to be hanging all over him and making out every two seconds. But what if I can't handle it? What if my mistakes from the past creep up and take hold? I know I've been forgiven for my past but what if I can't live up to the standards I've set? I have never had a chance to carry those standards out. There has been NO ONE for 3 years.
I don't know if there's any chance of anything happening with this guy but I'd like to get to know him. And if there is the chance then I want to stand up for myself. I have to. I don't want to feel guilty about all the stuff like I have been for the past 10 years. I want to know what a real godly relationship can be with a man. I look around at all my friends who are married and I'm like "what's wrong with me? When will it be my turn?" I know I shouldn't plan for it or plan my life around it and I don't want to but at the same time I want to get married. When I think about what I really want to do, it's get married and have a family.
Ok that's enough for now. Just some randomness. . .