Tonight is an all alone night. Even though my two roommates are here. And it's a night that I am reminded of how I so easy let everyone walk all over me. And a night that I figure that the world would be wonderful if I was just alone. Or not here at all.
Ok first of all, for those of you who know me, I know a lot about pop culture. I always read the magazines and watch entertainment tonight and shows on E!. I just think it's fun. Tonight I was watching the MTV Video Music Awards. They're pretty cool except they are overrun with rappers which I'm not into but there were going to be performances by bands I really liked. So I was watching up until 10 minutes ago when my roommates (who just sat down to eat dinner and hadn't been watching) said things like "isn't Gray's Anatomy on?" and "We need to watch this movie (bourne supremacy), can we?" Total disregard for the fact that I was watching something already. Enforcing the fact they weren't interested in watching what I was watching so they did what they could to get their way. So instead of saying "well I really want to watch this so I'd like to continue watching it" I just said go ahead (to the movie) and that I need to do some homework anyway. And now I am in here almost crying because I hate that I allow myself to do this. I mean really it's no big deal, MTV will show the awards show like 50 million times in the next few weeks anyway and there's a lot of stuff that usually goes on that I don't really like. But still why do I have to stop doing what I want in order to make everyone else happy? Why do I have to deny what I'm interested in so that other people get what they want? Why do I always have to feel like I'm unimportant and my interests are dumb and superficial? Yeah some of them are. I won't die if I can't watch the MTV VMAs but still the principle of it. . .it sucks. And I've always done this. I'm not someone who will pipe up and say "NO!" when I am being pushed out of the way.
I had hoped that I was going to change. I've always been like this. My interests, my needs, my wishes are unimportant. I can't have what I want. I have to deny myself of everything. That's what I've always felt. And if I try to stand up for myself I am considered a bitch and selfish, and rude, etc, etc, etc.
Green Day has a song called "Boulevard of Broken Dreams." One of the lines is: And I walk alone. I guess I just need to get used to that. Because I do. I walk alone.
2 comments:
I have been there so many times. If you can, and your roommates really are your friends, maybe you could talk to them sometime when you're not feeling like you need to cry. I feel so bad for you and I can't figure out why people who are supposed to be our friends treat us so badly sometimes. I hope tomorrow's better.
Becca(Val's friend from home)
I thought I was the only one who felt like that! It's like what you wrote is something I could have written about myself.
I hope thigs get better for you...you deserve the best!
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