So I'm writing instead. My mind just won't shut off this evening. And I keep hearing banging noises that I think are from downstairs that are kinda irritating.
So the first thing I got to thinking about was how yesterday I sat and watched TV from about 1 pm until 11:30 pm. That's a lot. It's so easy for me to just sit and do nothing. Today I sat from about 5 until 11:30...I went to work for the afternoon or I probably would've watched Tv again all day. I really need to do something about this. I don't like that it's so easy for me to just sit. I really need to be taking more time to study and read and I need to start doing some kind of aerobic activity. I really need to get out of the habit of just mindlessly staring at the TV. (I did buy Beautyshop today and watched that. it's hilarious!)
I admit though I really like watching my TV shows and movies. Movies will always be my favorite pastime.
I've been feeling better the past week or so. I actually started thinking about graduation and I felt hopeful. Even though I have to work for a awhile to pay off credit card bills, I feel hopeful that I will be able to do that and then go on to do something else. I have even been thinking about really pursuing going to school in NYC so I have the chance to live there. How awesome would that be? We'll see.
Even though I have felt better for a little while here, there is still that thought of "oh just wait a few days and you'll be back to your depressed self again." I know that I'll still get down and I have a long way to go to actually be content but I'm working on it. You know I know it sounds silly, but watching the movie Last Holiday actually helped me to start feeling better. I got to thinking about how much I worry and how seriously I take things; I want to be able to relax and be more carefree especially about the little things. It's a good movie. Funny, lighthearted, and it has a good message. My favorite is when Queen Latifah's character is talking to God. It's more of what I want for a relationship with God than everything else I've tried.
Earlier this week I put on my jeans that I got for christmas that fit me wonderfully and a pretty cream colored sweater along with my brown wedge-heeled loafers and some earrings.. . I did my hair and makeup and was like "no one else may think it, but I look good today." I felt good too. I know appearance doesn't matter as much as what's on the inside but when I feel like I look good, I just feel better than when I'm in a sweatshirt and tennis shoes.
I've talked off and on with some other people about the whole depression thing. It really is hard. I know for me I keep telling myself that I have no reason to be depressed but it is still hard. It's like this horrible, scary shadow of fear, loneliness, and anxiety that overtakes you. I admit that it really hasn't been as bad as about a year ago. It has been getting better. Hopefully it will continue to.
I really want to start focusing on getting to know Jesus and get past the religious part. I need to get past all of the religious American christianity that I dislike so much. In fact, I think I will go try to do something I haven't done in a really long time: open my Bible. And once I open it maybe I'll try to read something that is in it. Baby steps, people, baby steps. (there's a commercial like that. . .it's funny)
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1 comment:
So... about depression...
When you get a cold, do you say? "I really have no reason to get a cold. Hey. Stop having a cold!!!"
It's the same thing--It's an illness... So you don't have to have a reason to have it. You don't have to feel bad because you do even though you don't feel like things in your life are 'big' enough to qualify you for it... It's like a cold. You see it's making you sick, and hurting your life and you do what you can to tackle it.
((((hugs)))))
Don't give up tackling it! You are worth fighting for!
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