tonight

So tonight I went to church. I had already been having a frustrating day. I needed to study. I have a test on Thursday and homework due on Wednesday. And some other stuff. Well I just didn't have the motivation. It was difficult to make myself sit still for very long. I got a little bit done. . .some stuff about the nucleus of a neuron. Big whoop.
So then I decided to go to church with my roommates. It's the church that I go to when I actually go. At first I wanted to go. I thought being able to worship would be good. God and I have been talking a little more lately. But right before I left I got all ansy anxious and restless. So then everything was pissing me off. Like iTunes taking forever to download a song.
(I have just realized that I use "so" a lot, oh well.)
By the time we actually got there and I saw that the praise choir was singing (which just changes the whole dynamic of the service...it gets very "mega-churchy") I didn't want to be there. I told God that. I told him very bluntly I wish I could get the fuck out of here. (normally I would apologize for my language but I'm tired of doing that, so I won't anymore)
I was on the verge of tears the whole time. the sermon was pretty good. The bulletin had excerpts of Les Miserables and the pastor showed clips of the movie. He compared Jean ValJean and Javert to Paul and Judas. Paul and Judas both betrayed Christ. Paul repented and accepted Christ's grace...Judas didn't and took his own life. Jean ValJean turned to God and accepted grace. Javert couldn't accept a life in which grace overruled the law and took his own life.
I feel like Judas. I see grace right in front of me, I feel like I've experienced it at one point but I'm still scared and unwilling to accept it.
So yes I was pretty much in tears. The kind of tears that would have choked me if I would have let them. But I couldn't. Not there. Not in that place. Not in front of my roomates.
I just wanted to get out of there. The little voice inside me was screaming to just fall down and weep but the other part of me said "no, it's too much, surrender is too scary."
I wish I could say that I came home and spent time in prayer and bible study and had some amazing God experience, but who the hell am I kidding? I popped some popcorn, made myself a drink and put on a movie.
And now here I am writing this, still not studying. Tomorrow I'll be stressed about what I didn't get done and what I have to finish in one day. Oh well.