Thoughts

Ok just a warning this will probably be a downer of a post. I'm in a downer mood this evening and want to get some stuff out.
I just went to get some pizza and was thinking about this on the way there, in the store, and on the way back.
I'm going to be 25 on Sunday. One quarter of a century. My life has not been anything that I thought it would be. I always figured I'd be like my sister. She went to college, met someone, got married, had kids. . . it's not perfect, I know, but I get so envious of her sometimes. Her life just seems together.

I just have a hard time being happy with my life.
Sure I'm going to graduate from school this year (3 years later than originally planned) but thanks to my wonderful credit card use, I'm going to have to wait at least 2 years if not more before I actually go on with my career, which I feel like I'm just settling for because I can't do what I would love to do. I'm not even going to say what that is because it's just so out there. So instead I want to study medicine. Not a dishonorable profession but I'm afraid that with my gpa it will not become a reality for me.
You know what I really wish? I wish I could just be content. I wish I could joyful over all even though things aren't like I thought they'd be. I wish I thought that if something actually bad happened to me, I could actually handle it. I mean so much has happened to people lately: hurricanes, tornadoes, tsunami's, and deaths and none of it has happened to me. My life hasn't been that hard really. Yet I hate it. My life sucks. I have no hope for anything to ever go right.
I feel like such a. . . . not necessarily a screw up but kinda like that. I mean, why did I have to be the depressed one? The one that spends too much money? the one who is undisciplined, angry, and bitter?
After I graduate, I have to get a job. A job that will help me start paying off my credit cards. I need to pay them off before I even think about anything else. Plus student loans. I know, I know almost every college grad has to deal with that. But with the other bills to pay, I don't know how I'm going to handle it. I've thought about moving back to Illinois...I can live at my grandma's old house (meaning no rent to pay) and I'll be closer to my family but the thing is it scares me. I feel like if I go back I'll have to stay forever.
Colorado hasn't quite turned out like I thought it would. For the most part I like it but I just figured I'd end up happier. I don't even know what I expected.
I also thought maybe I'd be more on track with the whole God thing. I don't trust God at all. Anytime anything is mentioned about God, Jesus, or Christianity I just get squirmy. I don't like the small-minded conservative type of American Christianity that I see at my school, in my family, and so many people that I am around. Is there something else? Of course, at the same time I can't say that I like the super liberal Christianity that doesn't seem to believe anything too concrete at all.
So I don't know. I guess I'll just go to school and try to get by and try to ignore the unhappiness. Maybe one of these days I'll become numb to it.
Like I said, I know my life hasn't been too hard. I haven't had to deal with anything really major. Which makes me feel guilty for thinking my life sucks. oh well.