a new day

I feel better. I'm tired from working 10+ hours a day the last two days but I'm going away for the weekend so I'm looking forward to that.

I went to church Sunday. And right up until I was leaving the parking lot of my apartment complex I wasn't sure where I was going. I ended up at Dave's church. I decided that, at least for that day, that I didn't have the energy to go to a totally foreign church hoping I might like it. I purposefully got there late so I could just slip in and not have to do the greeting part (still the most uncomfortable part of a service for me). I didn't see him except for when he sang a solo during the offering. And even then I didn't really look at him. It was good hearing him sing though; he did a really good job. He's gotten a lot better since his church camp days.
Anyway it was a good service. I'm glad I went. I was shaking the entire time almost but I am really glad I went. I needed it. I needed to be able to go, worship the way I wanted and be able to say to God that I was going to depend and trust in him. Cause I don't have anything else. It's just me and God now. I don't know if I'll continue to go to church there but I might just so I can get to a place where my life doesn't feel so upside down. The truth is though, I really like it there. It seems like the kind of church that could become my church, even if it is an AG church (it doesn't really seem like it most of the time, honestly). I've never really had a "my church" before. So we'll see.

This weekend I'm going to Illinois for a few days. Saturday I'm going with my mom to a Cardinals game. My dad was supposed to go but he ended up scheduling a wedding. I was disappointed. Going to a baseball game with my dad has always been one of my most wonderful childhood memories. But it's ok, there will be other times. Mom and I will have fun. She's been so great the last few weeks, just being there for me, I'm grateful that we'll have some time to spend together. I see so much of her in me. . .sometimes whether I like it or not. I'm a pretty strong mix of both of my parents actually. Anyway before the game I'm going to buy a Cards t-shirt cause I've never had one before. And depending on how much it costs, I'm going to see about getting a stuffed Fredbird at the Build-a-Bear workshop that is set up before the game! I saw a picture and it's adorable. I really hope they win. . .they've lost the last like 5 or 6 games. That would suck if the first game I go to in like 3 years they lose.

So. . .I feel like I'm doing better. Going to church helped. I'm really trying to do the whole depend on God thing. It's difficult, I've never been good at it. But here goes. The whole situation still sucks but I know I'll be fine. I'll make it.