What a day

Yes I changed the name again (but aren't you glad I didn't change the address?). I realized that Little Studio is more of a tribute to the Little House books. And trust me, the studio is LITTLE. Ok, ok I know most are but I seriously need a bigger place. Of course, all 6 of Laura's family probably lived in a place smaller than this at some point. Whoa. . .

Anyway, today started off as a crying and wallowing day, then became a "I have to buy groceries and do all this normal life stuff" day, then I came home and ended up talking to my mom for awhile. It ended up being a good conversation...there have been times the last few weeks that she's gotten on my nerves but she's really been there for me over the last month. Oh yeah, and for the 25 years before that. Anyway...we talked and I ended up realizing a lot of stuff about my relationship with Dave. Dave was determined that I needed to have my own life here. And he was right I do need that. It always seemed though he expected it to happen instanteously or at least after only a few weeks. Well, as wonderful as that might be, it's unrealistic. Neither of us realized how hard it was going to be for me to move here. And it was and still is. I mean I am still learning how to get around. I really don't know my way around; I know the little ways to get to places I go. There was one time we went to this pizza place and for the life of me I would never have been able to tell anyone that it was right next to Wal-Mart. I figured it out a few weeks later. Anyway, what I needed was someone who was going to be understanding and supportive of the fact that it was going to take time to feel comfortable in a new place. He tried sometimes, but my way of settling in wasn't his way, I don't think. He wanted me to get out and meet people right away and that is something that takes me time to do. And when I was going to his church I had more of a chance of doing that. He was always insistent that I "get out of my comfort zone" and get to know people. But I was thinking the other day that none of the people I am friends is because I was anyone other than who I am. I didn't have to be someone I'm not. Somehow we met, we clicked and got to know each other. Heck the same thing happened with Dave. I didn't have to be someone I wasn't or get out of my comfort zone (the whole idea of the comfort zone thing is irritating anyway, it's like saying people who aren't super-outgoing and easy to get along with are lepers or something, but that's a whole other issue). Dave has a job that forces him to be outgoing, which is fine, but I can almost guarantee that the people he is closest with are the people who know that he is not always the outgoing people person he has to be a lot of the time.
I didn't have to be someone I wasn't with Dave until I got here. I was still the same person, I was just an unsettled and feeling somewhat in need of something familiar and comfortable me. He couldn't handle that. And to a certain extent I couldn't handle it either. I didn't like it. I can take care of myself, I know that but when I first got out here I needed someone who was going to be there for me even when I wasn't the strong independent woman. I just needed someone who understood how difficult it was. And he did try, I think, but I think we had different ideas of how that was to be done. He has very much of a problem-solver personality and feeling like there's nothing for him to do to fix the problem is hard on him.

Most of you that know me know that I am NOT the super-outgoing, perfect, perky Christian girl. And most of you really appreciate that about me. It seemed Dave appreciated that about me too. Even though, when I got here, I started getting a different impression. It was ok for me (sometimes) until I was around people he knew, until I was at his church. I have found out that I have a method of becoming comfortable in a new environment. I stick to myself and observe at first. I see how people interact. I observe what is going on. Then, slowly, I begin to open up. And it seems that naturally I start gravitating towards people who I become interested in spending time with. That started happening and then, of course, ended. I was disappointed. And in the time I started gravitating (ok I was still in the very beginning stages of gravitating) I realize that I was not trying to be anyone but myself. And unless they were just being nice, they seemed to think that was ok.

I don't like being fake. It's hard for me to put on a smiling face when I don't feel like smiling. And it's hard for me to be convinced I should smile whether I feel like it or not. That's just the way I am. I'd rather be real. Real about who I am, how I feel, and what I think. Right now I feel like crap. Depending on God isn't easy right now and I usually have to choke out the words "I will trust you" and it takes all the strength I have to do it. Yesterday I yelled at God. If I have learned anything over the last few years it's that I have to be honest with God. Even if it means being angry at him, I have to keep communicating. He knows that. He can handle that. No, breaking up and being in a new city isn't the end of the world but it is still hard. God knows that praying and reading my Bible is hard for me to do. In fact most of the time the Bible pisses me off. God knows that about me. And I know he'll help me work through it.

I know I can be hard to get along with and sometimes difficult. I can be selfish and lose my cool. But I also know that I am a very caring person, I love to do new things, I take joy in things that are familiar (like starbucks and reading the little house books for the zillionith time), I love doing things for people (even though I knew I didn't have to, I loved helping Dave around his house), I get excited about watching a baseball game, I get worked up and upset when I see someone getting treated unfairly, I think thunderstorms are beautiful, I love to sing, I feel a a twinge of motherly love still when I think of those four wonderful kids, I get irritated by people who drive stupid, I feel a wave of joy and at the same time, sadness when I think of my friend who is pregnant (more joy than sadness). I can be super sweet one minute and a bitch the next. And you know what? That's ok. I want the sweet times to out number the bitchy times but if I want to be bitchy I'll be bitchy. And this all is ok. It's all who makes me who I am. I am passionate and caring, sometimes ditzy and like a little child, full of wonder and excitement. I am a person who wants and deserves someone who is going to care about me through all my ups and downs, through the times I am weak and times I am strong, someone who is going to woo me with notes, e-mails, voice mails, & flowers (I have realized that getting a dozen roses from a man is something I really want someday). I deserve someone who will stand beside me, respect me, and who will make me feel loved and cared for. I thought Dave could be that...I hoped he could be, for awhile, to a certain extent he was...sometimes I kinda wish he still could be. But I have to hope that God is not going to leave me out in the cold with the whole marriage and family area. I desire that and if God really wants to give me the desires of my heart. . .then I have to keep believing it'll happen someday.

I'm still very sad about all this. I don't like that I have lost someone I had just gotten back. I don't like that it seems like it is so easy for him to forget about me completely, whether it is or not. I don't like that I am so alone out here. I wish I could see him. I wish I could get a hug from him. I wish I didn't think that I wish I never found him again. Or at least that I wish we didn't become so close. I hate that we never got to go to a baseball game together. I wish that hearing the first few chords of fishin in the dark last night didn't almost make me start crying. . .if I wasn't going into a gas station I probably would have. I want to be able to remember how much fun we had even if it didn't last very long. There are songs that I will never be able to listen to without thinking of him. I will never be able to check the score of a Cardinals game or watch one without thinking of him.

And of course, as long as I live in Kansas I will never be able to wake up without remembering why I moved out here. And how it didn't work. That part stinks because every morning I just want to cry and transport myself somewhere else. Oh well, hopefully that'll pass with time.

Ok time for a brownie.