A break

I started thinking about this yesterday. . .I need a break. I'm not sure what I need a break from. I can't take a break from work. As much as I want to completely leave Kansas I don't think I can right now. The only way would be to partially move, find somewhere to live for free and save up enough money to be able to get out of my lease. However, the only way I know of to do that is to go to IL, i.e. Hartford. And unfortunately someone is living in the house now and the apartment is now Dad's storage facility. So I guess that's out. I think I'd rather move back to Denver anyway.

Anyway so because I can't leave completely I decided that somehow I need a focused time to think, pray, and try to figure things out. I can't go on the way things are right now.

So I think I'm going to take a break including a break from my computer. There is too much temptation to look at old pictures, old videos, myspace profiles, stuff that I really really want to buy (the urge to buy a camera and a purse is sometimes very overwelming). Everytime I open up my e-mail I'm tempted to look at all the old e-mails which so far I can't get rid of. And there is a dash of disappointment at the fact there are no more fun and loving e-mails from someone.

So I am going to try to stay away from my computer. I am going to try to stay away from stores (unless it's to get some yarn to knit or a book). All the credit cards are cut up anyway however I still manage to use them online sometimes. I am going to pray, write, read, knit, quilt, cook, bake, whatever. I want to somehow figure something out. And even if it is the knowledge that I will definitely be ok then great. I have no peace right now. It continues to make me upset to know that I have all these pieces to pick up while he's able to go on living his life as though I don't exist. And I really don't know what to do now. I don't know where to go from here. I want to be able to wake up and not be sad and not think of him.

So now I begin an "at-home" retreat. Or at least a retreat at the place I happen to live. I'm not sure how long its going to last but somehow things have to be different.

See you when I get back.