the thought of moving is stressing me out. wednesday night i didn't fall asleep until after 4 am then had to get up at 9. i started getting tired later but couldn't take a nap because i was going to have to get up at 5 am to get to work at 6 friday morning. well then i woke up. talked on the phone with a few people...including dave. i had called him that afternoon then again at about 10 pm and then 2 hours later (after being told he'd call me right back) he called. there wasn't much to say. my graduation dress was at his house and so i needed to get it back. so then i was wide awake on thurs night and didn't sleep until about 2 and woke up by 4:30. and last night i was still wide awake (not tired at all) by 11 pm. I finally took a sleeping pill and fell asleep. and slept until 10 am. It felt good.

so i saw dave yesterday. the whole time i was trying to fight tears. Only two escaped at one point. we chatted for a bit. i gave him the card that i had gotten for one of his son's birthday that is next week. and then even though i kept telling myself i didn't want him to hug me, he did. i kept thinking that i didn't want to remember what it was like for him to hug me. i didn't want to remember what it was like. but now i do. now i remember what its like. i didn't want to let go.

but the thing is he is not sad that i'm going. he doesn't miss me. he doesn't wish i would stay. and then i hate that he said "see you later" when he left when i know we won't see each other. and i hate that he said "talk to you later" at times when he won't talk to me unless i talk to him. he still never asks me how i am. i guess maybe he figures he knows that i'm not doing that great and doesn't want to be reminded that he was a part of that. he knew about my walgreens thing but he didn't hear it from me...i know who he heard it from. I was dumb enough to tell good old music minister and i'm sure she mentioned it to him. i hate that he finds out something about me from her.

the nearest chipotle will be like 3 hours away. and there isn't a supertarget close to where i'm going to to live. i love supertarget, i shop there for everything. and now i'm going to have to shop at a little target and go to a regular grocery store. at least there's steak n shake except i am still going to be trying to lose weight so i can't go that often. the thing with chipotle is that almost everything is blood type friendly. i can go there and what i eat is almost all completely ok for me to eat. and deciding to eat a few blood type unfriendly things are ok because the majority is ok. i am crazy. who cares if there's no chipotle. i'll be able to see my family.
I am going to try and be good about visiting my grandparents. I think that would be fun to get to know them a little better. maybe grandma and I can cook together. and of course my sister will be an hour away. parents are close but not too close.
and of course there's good shopping not that far away. not that i can actually buy anything.

but the thing is, i'm tired of moving. everything is so uncertain. I thought I was moving here to settle down. i was looking forward to it. and now i have no idea what is going to happen. part of me feels like moving back to IL means i couldn't make it. i feel like it means that i'm slinking home, ashamed, with my tail between my legs, and that i'm no different than when i left. i was the one who couldn't wait to get out of IL and now I'm going back. and of course people will know why I am back. i can't afford to go back to denver. plus i do want to be closer to my family. and i know that even if i go back now doesn't mean i will always be there. i could still end up somewhere else when i go back to school.

when i told him that i loved him and that i was committed to the relationship i meant it. i knew it wasn't going to be easy and i knew there would be things that would be hard to figure out. but i was in and it didn't take him long to figure out that he wasn't in. he didn't want me. and even though at times i can have the attitude of "it's his loss," the truth is he didn't want me. he didn't want me. everything was like a big joke. and that just devastates me. but it's tiring crying over someone who doesn't cry over me and it's tiring missing someone who doesn't miss me. which i know why it's probably best for me to go because it'll make it easier to stop missing him.

i just don't like that everything is so uncertain and i have no idea about anything. i don't like that i was reminded of what it is like to have his arms wrapped around me, holding me...and i don't like that i had to look in his eyes and see someone that i still love so much, despite everything.