One quarter of a century

Well today is it. My 25th birthday. It has been a good one, I can honestly say. I went to church this morning for the first time in months and enjoyed it for the most part. It's still hard for me to actually be there. I know it will be difficult for awhile. I'm going to try to keep going. Then after church I came home, had some lunch and went to a movie. I was going to go by myself but then my roommate came too. She didn't know it was my birthday today and I didn't want to be like "it's my birthday, you have to do something" but then she just out of the blue asked when it was and couldn't believe it was today and that i hadn't said anything. :) So we went to the movies and she's going to buy me dinner tonight.
We saw the movie Rumor Has It. I liked it, there were a couple of weird parts but that's hollywood for ya. It was interesting because the first thing the main character says is something about not knowing who she was. She was supposed to be about 33 I think. . .I don't want to be that old and still not like who I am. Or know who I am.
My friend Val brought up the fact that I need to come to a point where I can deal with myself before I can be content. I'm not sure how to do that. Another friend brought up making myself point out the positives. I'm thinking of going back to counseling too. I really shouldn't have stopped, I don't think. I think when it comes down to it, I don't like myself. I don't see myself as anyone who is worth anything. I mean even today, I didn't want to point out that it was birthday even though I know my roommate would genuinely want to celebrate with me. If I would have thought about it earlier I probably could've asked some people over and they would have loved to come. But. . .I just . . .I don't know.
I think I want to try to get to know God again, somehow. I want to get past all of my dislikes about american christianity and try to see who God really is.
I'm tired of being trapped in this little world of hating myself. It gets really hard.

Anyway, here's to being 25. . .I hope it turns out better than I think it will.