Girls & Self-Esteem

Today's episode of Oprah was about girls & self-esteem, in particularly how mothers affect their daughters.
I've thought about this a lot. I have struggled with self-esteem a lot. I remember as I grew up that I was not the really pretty blond girl with the good clothes. I think I was probably a cute kid but I had glasses by the 4th grade and my clothes came from yard sales and wal-mart. And I also didn't have good friends. I always had friends who were constantly putting me down for one reason or another.
I never really got worried about my body image, I don't think, until I started gaining weight in the 8th grade. Before then I was pretty skinny. Although I was shopping in the junior's section before most of the other girls. Anyway I always wanted to go on a diet or lose weight. I was always criticizing myself to some degree. However, I never had an attitude that I was horrible and ugly...I just always wished I was thinner. Over the past few years I have probably gotten a little worse about it. But a lot of my insecurities about my external appearance really came from the inside.
I don't think I ever really heard my mother talk about her appearance, at least, not to the extent that it affected me. However, I do remember feeling like it was bad to think I was pretty. One time I told my mom that I thought I had pretty eyes and hair. Her response was "that sounds a little vain to me." Ok, so that meant to be a good little Christian girl I was not supposed to think I was pretty. I was supposed to be plain and ugly.
I've struggled with my girliness as well. I have always been into clothes and make-up. I love playing with new colors and making my eyes look really cool and dramatic. I like to look stylish and not like I just walked out of a dump. But many times I've been surrounded by girls who make these things seem so horrible that I would be made to feel bad about it. In fact my roommates last year had a whole little clique based on the fact they were not girly-girls. Of course, I wasn't in it. But I had to hear about it. And every time I did, I felt that there was something wrong with me.
I know now that there isn't. My best friends are the ones who know and love my excitement over getting dressed up and putting on my make-up. I know I don't need it, and there are times I don't bother, but I still enjoy it.

One thing that the show made me think about was if someday I have a daughter...I would love to have one. I hope I am able to show her what true beauty is and love her to the extent that she knows she is special and beautiful no matter what people are saying around her. I think that was a lot of my problem; I didn't have strong people around me (like in my family) that were countering the lies I got told in school or by the world around me. A lot of that goes into not being grounded in what God thought of me. Being more comfortable with myself inside and out has really come from realizing that I am loved by God. I've already noticed with my neice how much I want her to know how wonderful and special she is...I can't imagine how I'll feel about my own daughter someday, if I'm lucky enough to have one.
If I do have a daughter, I never want to criticize my appearance in front of her. The people Oprah talked to had basically taken what they heard their mothers say about themselves and applied it to them. It's so sad to hear how a 3 or 4 year-old is already worried that she's fat and ugly.
And I also realized that as sad as it is for me to think it is, it's sad for people who know me to hear me being down on myself. My desire to be healthier is still there and that will help me in the long run. But I know, no matter what, that I am beautiful and special and worth loving. And knowing that for myself is the most important. It feels good to actually see how I have changed my thinking when it comes to this. There is no perfect or normal when it comes to appearance. We are all so different. Different families have different traits. In my family the women are tall and plump. We have big eyes and gorgeous smiles. We have dark, beautiful, thick hair. We're not teeny-tiny and dainty. Thank God for that. We're women who can work, take care of our children, make really good food, and love the people around us. We can think, cry, pray, and rejoice. :)

It's good being me.