Perspective

I wrote this yesterday but the internet messed up so it didn't get published and I lost what I wrote.

I have a hard time with perspective. I means who cares that I broke up with my boyfriend. A lot worse things have happened. I mean, two days was the 5 year anniversary of the World Trade Center/Pentagon attacks. A day that thousands of people have to remember as the most horrible day of their lives.
I have friends who have lost parents, and other important people in their lives. The only person I have lost was my 90 year old grandmother.
And breaking up with Dave is nothing compared to the fact that he's been divorced. I can't even imagine how hard that is and then having to raise 4 kids on top of that.

Yes, the fact that I moved adds to the difficulty of this break-up. And I have lost someone. Someone that means so much to me. And I lost 4 little people too. I don't like thinking that I wish that I never found him again or that I became friends with him. Unfortunately I kinda feel that way right now. I hope that doesn't last.

I bought Anchorman the other day. He loves that movie. One time, when I was still in CO, I watched it and we typed lines of the movie back and forth. It was fun. I can still watch the movie. And it just makes me smile. I'm glad of that. There are a few other things that I hope I can do, listen to, and watch someday without it being too hard.

At the end of the month I'm going to go to IL. I'm going to go to a Cardinals game with my dad. It's one of the things that I always remember doing with dad. What's funnny is Dave is going to at the same game. I really wanted to go to a game with him. That was one of the things we were going to do together.

I know I'll be ok...but it's just hard. Everything is messed up and upside down and confusing. I want something to look forward to. Right now I don't feel like I have anything. . .just the hope that my life will not always suck. Someday I'll be happy. I was happy for awhile...finding Dave added to the happiness. I thought that would continue longer than a few months. I'm tired of being so unhappy. And right now I just don't know how to try to be happy. Half of the time I feel like I'm going to explode. I am just so alone here. There I go again losing perspective. I'm healthy (I'm sure if i started drinking some water instead of soda all the time I'd be healthier), I have a job (even if it doesn't pay enough), I have a roof over my head, people who love me, etc, etc, etc.

The thing is though. . .the one person I want to love me, doesn't. And right now that seems to overshadow all the things that I'm supposed to look at and be thankful for.

Guess I'll still work on that perspective thing.