Cynism rears its ugly (?) head

I think I spelled cynism right.
One of the things that has happened as a result of this whole relationship breakup thing is my doubt about the point of male/female relationships, marriage, and all that is involved in it. I realize that I really have no idea what marriage is. I don't know what the point of it is. It was always this normal thing that surrounded me and in the past few years many of my friends have taken part in the whole marriage thing...I always thought I wanted to take part in it someday myself. But now. . .I'm not so sure. I keep wondering, really, what's the point?

Years and years ago, women didn't have much without getting married. There weren't many job opportunities. They'd be more likely to have to live with parents or other family members, with not much of anything of their own. It was expected a woman get married so they had a man to take care of them and provide for them.
Now, however, a woman doesn't need a man to take care of them and provide for them. They can do it on their own. Job opportunities are endless and women can live fine on their own. The majority of women have established careers before they even think of getting married, if they do at all. Nowadays a single woman isn't necessarily looked at as a bad thing. They get married because they want to not because they have to.

Back in January and February I was getting more and more ok with my single status. I hadn't had a guy interested in me in a long time and I was fine with it. Even now, the lonliness I feel isn't because I don't have a boyfriend, it's just because I don't have any friends around here and still feel a little unsettled here. I know for a fact that if I remain single for the next 5, 10, 20 years or for the rest of my life I will be fine. I will eventually go back to school, have a career, someday buy my own house, and all that other adult stuff (it better include a kick-ass car) and be absolutely fine. I can lead a completely full and meaningful life without being married. I knew all this before the relationship but still I could say that marriage was something I wanted someday. I wanted a husband that would be a partner and raise a family. I felt it was a meaningful and good thing.

But now. . .I'm not so sure. I have realized that I don't really know what the point of marriage is. The only benefit I can think of is, well, the sex part. But, really, one can live without having sex. Nuns and monks do it all the time. It won't be the end of the world if I never have sex. Apparently I'm no good at the relationship thing and really I don't think I want the possibility of being hurt like this again. I'm really really tired of it. It's too much. I'm not one of those women who can just walk away and just be ok after falling in love. But I wonder if any of those women really can just be OK. Anyway, I keep thinking of all the things I want to do and places I want to go and getting married (especially to a guy who doesn't make a lot of money and has four kids) would mean not getting to do that stuff. I don't see the benefit of marriage at all.

Really what's the point? I don't know anymore. I don't know why I would chose to have another person in my life that could end up hurting me so deeply over being single and sticking with being close to friends and family. Yes, I would love to have kids but I don't want to have kids unless I think I could raise them properly. And maybe I just can't. And hell nowadays I don't even need a husband to raise a kid. However, I still think it's better to have a mother and a father....although if a kid doesn't have either, just a mother or just a father is better than nothing.

All this thinking is making me wonder if I'm thinking like this because I've been hurt. . . Or is this because I am going to remain single and need to get used to that fact? What if I am destined to find a husband but this has turned me into being enough of a cynic that I won't ever give another guy a chance? But I really really can't handle the thought of being hurt like this again. I can't stand the thought of some guy coming along, making me think he loves me, then just drops me like wet rag. I can't stand the thought of it. The thought of getting hurt again is worse than the thought of never having sex.

That's cynism for you.