Randomness

It's no secret that there have been many times when I haven't handled all this break-up/stuck in Kansas business very well. And it's no secret that I haven't exactly been the nicest when it comes to my treatment of Dave. And because of something that happened a few days ago, that I won't go into, I've realized I have continued, without really meaning to, I think, to be unfair towards him. Even though all this has been harder on me than him, I know he didn't like what happened anymore than I did. I can go on forever about what all went wrong but it can't change anything. I am still hurt and sad. . .and I think more angry at myself than anything. I hate that I've lost someone again that always meant so much to me.
I know my situation isn't anything compared to others. . .hell, not even as bad as Dave's but I have been better at letting myself be sad but at the same time gain some perspective. There's a girl whose blog I read that is my age and lost her husband to cancer. Talk about putting things into perspective and making you realize life is a piece of cake.

Today I had a very "I can't believe I live in Kansas" day. Although over the last few weeks I've been feeling better I still feel so stuck here. Super-easy or not this job of mine is already getting old. It's amazing how you can point right at a building not even 50 yards away and people still don't know where you're telling them to go. oh well.
Also just my financial situation is frustrating. After I graduated I had it all planned out, I'd work for a few years until I got my credit cards paid off and then go to grad school. I had a good enough paying job, a fairly inexpensive place to live, I didn't have to worry about anything. Now though, I am lucky if I actually have the money to pay all my bills, which again gets me thinking about how if only I wasn't so stupid and irresponsible I wouldn't be in a situation where only getting paid $10 an hour isn't good enough. And it's all my fault. Trying not to worry, trying not to worry. . . .

I want to be able to just be here and stick it out, do the whole trusting God thing and I guess learn something from all this. But I feel so stuck and feel like I'm wasting time and getting nowhere.

But at the same time, I feel like somehow, someway staying here will mean that I will prove that I can make it. And something good will come out of all this. I still think that if I moved to IL I wouldn't have been much happier. And I would've felt like I just ran home crying with my tail between my legs. Who knows. I definitely feel like staying here was the right decision even though I seem to question it quite a bit. I guess it's just because I want something to be stable and certain and not much is right now. Except for the fact I will be here until June.

Christmas is almost here...I'm so excited. I just had another viewing of White Christmas and may have to watch While You Were Sleeping tomorrow night. I'm all ready for the holiday except Aaron's scarf is still not finished and I have no idea what to get my brother-in-law. I'll think of something I suppose. I'll get to spend most of Saturday at my parents'. I think I will have to see about making some apple pie or some fudge or something. Last year I made a really good cake. Hmmmm oh my goodness what about fudge with ferrero rocher crumbled on top? OH MY GOSH that sounds good! Or truffles. . .hmmm! OOO I"m getting excited!!!

And I also decided that someday I want to make hot buttered rum. I've always wanted to because of watching White Christmas.