Home

Val's latest post made me start thinking about the idea of "home." Her husband is in the military so they've moved a lot in the last few years.

I don't have a hometown. And to this day there is no place that feels like home to me at all. Of course, when you're younger it's easier to feel at "home" wherever you happen to live at the time. As an adult, it's definitely harder.

I was born in Frankfort, Kentucky right before my dad graduated from seminary. Then we moved to Eldorado, then Grafton, Belleville, Ashley, and for me, finally Crab Orchard. After that I went to school in Greenville, then moved to Hartford, then Denver, and now here. I don't really remember Eldorado. Grafton was fun. For the most part, it's the only place I have pleasant childhood memories: going to school in a boat, going to get a root beer float at the sometimes open ice cream shop, driving up the river road to get to church and to grandma's house, playing with Charlie and my other neighbor Mandy (and avoiding going to her house because of her huge-ass german shepherd). I remember going to high school football games and pretending I was a cheerleader.
Belleville was ok...we only lived there for 7 months. I remember liking going to a big church and a big school. Belleville got me hooked on reading The Baby-Sitters Club books. I also remember being called Pebbles because of how my mom did my hair and throwing a fit when people called me it (and I mean FIT, in the middle of Wednesday night dinner at church).
Living in Ashley started off ok. . .I remember Clint and him being madly in love with me in the 3rd grade. To this day, the Valentine's day card and gift he gave me is the best one I've ever gotten. I remember going to the little corner store and buying candy, walking and biking all over town, and going to Mt. Vernon and Centralia. After 5th and 6th grade living in Ashley was a nightmare. And now it's still just a source of bad memories. Living in Ashley shaped me in ways that I'm not so happy about. Ways that I feel like I am still trying to overcome.
I still remember the day we went to Crab Orchard for the first time. We met with the people at the church. It was a small town like every other...I figured I'd go to the 8th grade in a small school, then go to Marion for high school. A big high school that I'd be able to join the choir, be in musicals, do everything I had dreamed of since I was in 1st grade (totally serious, the first time I saw my sister's HS production of Guys & Dolls, I wanted to be in a musical). I'd go to football games and do all the normal high school things. Then we drove around and found the school and I saw something that scared me immediately: a driver's ed car. I remember thinking: "NO! It's not possible that this stupid little town has it's own high school." I was just sitting here trying to figure out a pleasant memory about high school. . .there really aren't a lot. . .nothing I can remember right now. Volleyball was fun.

Every other place I've lived, I've known that it's just temporary. For awhile I wanted Denver to be home. It never felt like it. When I moved here, I thought, "now maybe I'll be able to have a home, a real home." But now, I know again it's just temporary. In a few months I'll move again. I'm not sure where still. Like everywhere else, this is just home for now. And I'm not that concerned with making it any more "home" than I need to.

However, I realize more and more that I want to feel at home somewhere. I want to feel at least a little bit settled and know that the place I'm in is the one I'll be in for more than a few months or 2, 4, or even 5 years....oh well. I asked my sister when she finally started feeling at home in Vandalia. She said that it wasn't until she had lived there longer than any other place she'd lived before. I can definitely understand that. When I got here, I was made to feel like I was supposed to feel at home here immediately or within a few weeks. Not possible. I'm just now getting to the point where I feel like I can figure out how to get to more places than just Target, the bank, church and work. I feel a little more comfortable here but I still don't want to get too attached so it won't be too difficult to leave.

I wonder if I will ever feel like I fit anywhere. I didn't really fit in Colorado (although I think I'm more likely to go back there and try again). I didn't really fit anywhere in Illinois. I definitely don't fit here. Maybe I'm not supposed to fit anywhere. Maybe that's just how it's going to be for me.

Who knows.