I was telling my mom this weekend that sometimes it's frustrating having all these thoughts and ideas and feelings running around in my mind and not being able to make them stop. Or get them out the way I want to. Even when talking to someone I can't seem to actually get out everything I want to get out. And I've been trying to make myself sit down and write but lately it hasn't worked.

This weekend was pretty busy as usual. I worked all weekend, of course. After Friday at the cable company, it made me wish I could work full-time at the hotel. I actually really like it, most of the time. Last night was horribly boring but oh well. I did get to see my cute pilot ;-) Except last night I looked at him and was like, dang he's YOUNG. Anyway, in a few days he'll be gone. But yeah, working here at the cable company is so easy it's tiring. It makes me realize how much I really love feeling like I'm doing something and keeping my mind active. When I just sit here doing basically nothing and can't actually help people beyond taking money it's frustrating. And it's frustrating when you try to explain that as nicely as possible and people still get mad at you.

Saturday night I watched the movie "Ray." It's really good. I love it. Except I couldn't just sit still and watch it. During every commercial break I was up trying to figure out something productive to do. Sometimes I can't just let myself rest. It's hard not to feel lonely at times. Sometimes I think I still miss him. But really I think I just miss the idea of him. Like the idea of having someone to talk to and hang out with. Oh well. It won't always be that way.

Anyway, I went to church yesterday. It was good. The whole sermon series has been about living out your faith and finding out your gifts and passions in order to serve other people. The pastor has talked about how once we are able to grasp our identity in Christ we are able to reach out and understand our call to serve other people. Saturday night I was talking with my mom and telling her about how I keep thinking more and more about wanting to be able to be the type of person who loves and cares about people that the church too often considers outcasts. I want to be able to hang out and love the kind of people Jesus did. . .the "sinners." The prostitutes, tax collectors, lepers. . .all those people that weren't considered in line for the love of God. I don't know exactly how but I really want to. I want to show gay people that all Christians aren't judgemental towards them. I want to reach out to homeless people and other people in need. I want to reach out to other Christians who are struggling, which yesterday I realized I may have a chance to do actually, we'll see. The sermon on Sunday made me think about how that's the kind of things I'm passionate about. And made me think about how I really do think God is somehow working in me. He's bringing joy back. He's reminding me that I am special and loved by him and I can be ME and be a follower of Christ. The pastor keeps referring to a verse in Zephaniah which says "he rejoices over you." God rejoices over me?! I still wonder how the heck it's possible but you know I am beleiving it more and more. It's pretty cool seeing how God seems to be changing me little by little.

Something I have learned about is how I really view church. I definitely think it's important. I would love to someday say that I have a church that allows me to feel at home and that I can grow. But I don't want it to be the only place I have a community. I don't want to get so attached to a certain church (i.e. local) that I forget about the Church (the WHOLE body of believers). I think people can get so into one church they forget about the rest. I don't want to get so involved in and attached to a particular church that I start thinking there is nothing else. I definitely think this is a result of the experiences I've had at the different churches I went to growing up. I learned not to put too much faith in a church.

I'll be working like mad this week. Bible study tonight (which I think I'm looking forward to we're studying Romans 8 so hopefully it'll be good). I'm working every other night this week, at the cable company and the hotel on Saturday and Sunday as usual. I'm going to be tired! But hopefully I'll get a lot of tips driving the van around.

I really hope Bible study is good tonight. This is the only free night I have I think I may be too disappointed if I feel like it's a waste. So hopefully it'll be good.

That's all for now.