conflicted

I'm conflicted.

The music minister at dave's church (i.e. the girl he was interested in before me and who he's such good friends with) has never been anything but nice to me. In fact, the day after my rant about seeing his van at her apartment she sends me this nice, reaching out myspace message (i knew I should've stuck with not signing into it anymore). She said it was good to see me at church, and invited me to a couple of things with the single girls' group and said she'd been thinking of me and praying for me because she knows it must be hard being here where I don't really know anyone.

I sent her a message back. I told her I appreciated her message. It was nice. . .but why does she have to be so nice? And why can't I just stop thinking that there's some evil motive? Oh yeah becuase I"m me and apparently I'm a nutso freak. And then I just beat myself up over and over again because as much as I want to be gracious, loving, and ok I just. . .can't. I'm trying so hard, but .... sometimes I just still want to scream and throw things.

I'm conflicted, I don't want to dislike her, she's a perfectly nice person but at the same time all I can think of is what if he still likes her? What if he always did but convinced himself not to? He told me that because of her position in the church and her wanting to get her credentials (something like getting ordained in the AG church) she can't marry anyone who's divorced but would that really get in the way if they didn't let it? What if the whole time he was with me he just wanted me to be a marry-able version of her? What if (again) I was just the girl in between?

I keep finding out things about myself that I don't like. Thinking things like this is one of them....