Fall doesn't exist in Kansas

Inspired by Val's post about October and Halloween, I decided to seek after some nature to see if I could find October in Kansas. I drove to El Dorado State Park. It wasn't much of anything. Just a bunch of campgrounds. I didn't stay long. The closest I came to finding whatever it was I was looking for was a little park in town. It had a bridge over a large creek (or small river, however you want to look at it). The trees were green and yellow with the sun coming down through the gaps of the branches. I took a couple of pictures.
But even that did no good at getting me out of my funk. All I could think about was the mountains and how the really tall ones have snow on them now. If I was still in CO, I could drive to my old church and see Mt. Evans looming in the distance with the smaller mountains all around it. I could see the Aspen trees all around with their changing leaves. I could have experienced the first snow that happened this past week.

But no, I am here. Right now even on pretty days, everything is just dull and brown. Some of the trees turn red but most of the time they are just yellow and there are still alot of them that are green. And it's supposed to get up to 70 degrees today.

Yesterday as hard as I tried not to be, I was angry. I'm really angry at myself. I'm trying not to be angry at him but it's hard, last night especially. I was doing laundry and had to see that he's at my apartment complex playing tennis. My apartment complex also happens to be the apartment complex of the girl that he dated before I came along. Well dated, thought about dating, never actually dated, whatever; he was interested in her. She's the music director at his church. And of course, she's one of the perky, perfect Christian girls. The type that he said he was glad I wasn't but started to get the impression that he would rather me be that way. And then after I went to work out in the fitness room (and stayed a bit to watch the Cardinals game), I stupidly walked over to see that his van was still in the parking lot, which means he stayed to hang out. I hated that. I hate that he was hanging out with the girl that he said he would have had to change so many things about himself to be with. I hated that they probably had the Cardinals game on and he was watching it with her (ok and to be fair with her sister too, they live together). Who cares that she's probably only watching it because he's into it. And the only thing I was thinking was that if I end up being the girl in between again I will be even more angry. I was the mistake Justin made before realizing who he really wanted to be with (and was with before me). And if I end up being that with Dave I just. . .I don't know. I won't like it. When I first got out here, I felt like he seemed to care a lot about what she thought of his relatinship with me. And even though he'd say things like she didn't know how to be friends with him without sometimes going into flirting with him, he always seemed to make sure he was talking to her when she was around. There was a pool party at someone's house one day that we went to and he talked to her more than me. He barely came near me.

I have been struggling again with how I'm not the perfect little perky Christian girl. I had gotten to a point where I thought I was ok with it. I was getting to be more and more comfortable with who I was. And up until I got here, that seemed to be ok with Dave. He liked that I was real and honest about who I was. He liked that I would go dancing at a bar and watch a lot of different kind of movies. But then almost from the first Sunday I went to his church it wasn't ok anymore. It was like he didn't believe me when I said that going to a new church is the hardest thing for me to do, especially a church where everyone wants to see Dave's new girlfriend. I'm shy and it takes awhile for me to open up. He wasn't willing to let me go about it at my own pace. He wanted me to go about it the way he would have and when I didn't I (to my face) was compared to his ex-wife. There were a couple of times that happened. One day when he was frustrated he was being a little short with his kids and said to me "if she was here, she would get on to me about that, because it's not their fault I'm upset and shouldn't take it out on them." All I could think was "well in case you didn't notice, she's not here and I'm NOT HER." Unfortunately like so many other times I didn't say anything. I knew things like that would come up but didn't know how hard it would really be to handle them.

I didn't speak up. There were so many times I wanted to but I didn't. I chickened out. I realize that he doesn't want a woman who is going to be partner to him, he wants a woman who is going to be the perfect image he has in his mind of what a woman should be. And I think good old music director is going to have a hard time of living up to that too.

I'm not saying all this to continue to make him the bad guy...it is just me needing to process. And quite honestly I have no idea what to think because all he's given me to go by is the fact that apparently I'm the last person in the world he wants to speak to and would rather me not exist.