I have no fear of drowning....

...it's the breathing that's taking all this work. -Jars of Clay "Work"

I am continuing on a journey that over the last like 7 years has been hard, scary, confusing, frustrating and something that has made me stand in awe and amazement one moment and cry and scream the next.
And now I continue on this journey and it seems like it will be just as hard, scary, confusing, and frustrating as it always has been. I'm hoping, though, that there will be some joy mixed in with that. I started seeing a mix of some joy & happiness (which I do believe are two different things) earlier this year and somehow before I knew it, lost it again.
This journey I speak of is life and in my case, this life of mine involves trusting a sometimes seemingly far away, yet very personal Christ. Many times I've wanted to completely close him out of my life but he never really let me. He let me do my own thing for awhile but he never actually let me shut him out completely. As much as sometimes I hated it, he was always right there.

Now I am faced with the fact that I have nothing else to turn to. If anything, being in Kansas has made me see that I really do need God. I can't make all this work on my own. So the journey of try to really trust God is continuing on. I'm not sure how to do it exactly.

I bought My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. I bought it for a couple of reasons: 1) it was only $5; 2) it's been around for a long time so I think maybe there's something more to it than just fluffy stuff you'd find in a newer devotional; 3) I'd always heard of it and wanted to get it. So far it's really good. Sometimes I have to read and reread a few times just so it sinks in.
One of things I've always struggled with is how I feel like my relationship with God is compared (and I know I shouldn't compare but it's hard sometimes) to other people's. Coming from the Methodist church it was all about going to church every Sunday, reading a chapter from the Bible everyday and spending a set amount of time in prayer. The relationship with God and how to achieve it was put in a nice pretty easy to accept package. However, what happens when the Bible seems to do nothing but confuse? What happens when you sit to pray and there are no words that come out? What happens when you start doubting the validity all everything you had ever been taught?
I know many people have been there. Probably a lot more than would ever actually admit it too.
I want my relationship with Jesus to be authentic, real, and honest. I'm not afraid to tell him when I am angry and confused. I am not afraid to tell him that I do not want to worship him. And right now I am not afraid to tell him that I am scared as hell. I have nothing to put hope in except for Christ. And it's freaking scary!!

In yesterday's reading from MUFHH (hehehehe that looks funny) it said "Nothing Jesus Christ ever said is common sense, it is revelation sense, and it reaches the shores where common sense fails. Faith must be tried before the reality of faith is actual. 'We know that all things work together for good.' then no matter what happens, the alchemy of god's providence transfigures the ideal faith into actual reality."

And also: "To turn head faith into a personal possession is a fight always, not sometimes. God brings us into circumstances in order to educate our faith, because the nature of faith is to make its object real."

I still want to be a Christian who is real and honest. Somehow I want to care about poeple who the church dismisses. I want people to say "you're a Christian? you're not like other Christians I've met" and the wonder why. And then somehow I want to show them who Christ really is. But I still wonder if I really know....

I read John 6 yesterday. It's full of teaching that confused a lot of people and even made some of Jesus's disciples decide to stop following. I wonder why Jesus did that. If he wants people to be saved and believe why did he teach something that would made some turn away? Something is think about. . .