One part logic, 2 parts very illogic

I've always had a hard time being ok with my circumstances. Even though sometimes I can find some good in things most of the time I just sit and think of how much everything sucks.
This is no exception. The logical part of me is saying that I will be fine, I will make the best of this situation, and I will someday get to have the whole family thing.

However, the very illogical part of me is feeling like my life is a very bad country song. Or a romantic comedy (or drama maybe) without the happy ending. In other words, my life is what really happens. My life is the real life situation. Girl falls for boy, boy decides he doesn't want girl and then cuts her completely out and makes girl feel like the stupidest person in the world.

Right now I am feeling very helpless and hopeless. I can't get the kind of job I want until I can go back to school which I can't do until I get my credit cards paid off. Which I can't do while I'm making only $8 an hour. And unfortunately my hopeless feeling is making me very unmotivated to look for another job. Especially because I have no idea what kind of job I want.

I'm lonely. I miss him. I don't like sitting at my apartment alone watching (again) the 1st & 2nd seasons of grey's anatomy. And I may have to start gilmore girls all over again too. I miss going to his house, eating dinner with him and the kids and just being around. I miss watching movies with him and talking to him.

Except he couldn't handle me actually being around. It was fine when I was just on the phone, but actually having me around ruined his routine and he couldn't handle it. All the talk about how even when things weren't perfect, he would love me anyway was all crap.

I just feel like my whole life is messed up. I messed up. And here I am all alone trying to fix it. I am trying really hard to keep depending on God. I don't have anything else to depend on. Even when I'm basically yelling at him, I try to keep talking.
It's really hard to believe he's listening. The whole faith thing hasn't been too easy for a really really long time.

It's hard sitting back watching all my friends getting married, and having families, and having homes. They didn't mess up by dropping out of school, racking up a bunch of debt, and moving somewhere only to feel like the whole world just is laughing at them. I thought back in January & February that things were starting to get better. Dave coming along was just another good thing to happen.

I know I kept saying that no matter what happened I was glad to have him in my life again but I lied. I don't like this at all. I would have rather just stayed internet buddies with him. . .every once in awhile, just an e-mail saying hi and giving an update. But then there were a lot of good times...I don't know what I think.

I saw him today in traffic. I drove past him. I have the tendency to pay attention to minivans lately. . .and saw him. I wanted to call him but I couldn't. I can't. He doesn't want to talk to me. He doesn't want me at all. He just wants to pretend I don't exist.

I just wish I could stop crying.