Trying to let go

I didn't want to put stuff about my pursuit of Jesus and trying to let go of all the anger and self-condemnation I am going through right now in the post about me being angry about seeing his stupid mini-van and wanting desperately to go kick it (ok maybe not just kick it I did have keys in my hand). I didn't go anywhere near it though. I'm not as crazy as the cheated-on girl in the Carrie Underwood song (which I hate btw). Anyway. . .

I started reading The Signature of Jesus by Brennan Manning. I've had the book for awhile and read some of it but never finished. It talks a lot about the crucified Christ. The battered, sweating, bleeding crucified Christ and the wisdom and power of it.

One of the things mentioned about experiencing the power and wisdom of the cross is the courage to accept & take up our own cross.

Our own wounds, our own limitations, our own personality defects, the damage people have done to us from the beginning of life until today; the pain of the human condition as we have personally experienced it: this is our true cross. . . .in his passion and death, Jesus has experienced my pain and yours and made it his own. What happens in this encounter with the Crucified is that we enter into something that has already happened, our union with Jesus and all that it implies; his taking unto himself our pain, anxiety, fears, shame, self-hatred, and discouragement(The Signature of Jesus, page 61-62).

I want so much to believe that and accept that. I made something yesterday to help remind me that "My sin, not in part but the whole, is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more" (the hymn, It Is Well with My Soul). I took some scrapbooking paper I had bought at some point and ripped a cross out of it. I wanted the edges to be rough and uneven, not perfect (like me). I glued it to another piece of paper. Then around the edges of the cross I wrote that verse from the hymn. Inside the cross I put my sins and problems I deal with. Next I took red paper (symbolizing the blood of Christ) and put torn pieces around the cross and wrote "it is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more." Then I crumbled it up a little. It's rough, unperfect, and messed up a bit (like me).

I'm NOT perfect. I never claim to be. My faith is real, honest (even if that honesty means saying I am discouraged and angry), and ever-changing. I am HIS. I am His child. If I want to sit in silent contemplation during worship, I will. If I want to stand up and raise my hands I will. No one is allowed to dictate what is the right way for me to worship and make me feel badly if I do something different. I want to strive to be the kind of follower of Christ who is an example of his acceptance and love. I want to accept people that the church sees as outcasts and beyond repair.

There's a new church I'm going to try on Sunday. I'm looking forward to it.