So why do I always manage to end up falling for the controlling, manipulative jerks? I guess it's my fault. At least in part. But I'm fucking sick of it. Why did I believe him? Why did I believe him when he said he liked that he didn't have to change who he was with me? Why did I believe him when he said he wasn't interested in the other girl? Why did I actually pick up and move believing that he actually liked who I really was?
Why was he so concerned with making sure she knew about me? But it doesn't matter if I know about her. I tried telling myself it didn't mean anything that when he went to that swim party he talked to her and her sister more than he even looked at me.
Why did I let him make me feel like I really wasn't good enough? Why wasn't I more insistant that he had no right to criticize small details about who I was and what I did?
I was always so accepting of him. Of everything about him. I didn't hold it against him about his past relationships and what they entailed. I accepted him for who he was. Of course I didn't realize either who he really was until I moved here. I realize now that I couldn't be with someone who yelled so much at his kids. I couldn't be with someone who was critical about my faith and tried to rule over me. I couldn't be with someone who expected me to be so accepting and undertanding of him but he made so effort to do the same with me. I couldn't be with someone who acts one way one place and completely different another and expects me to do the same.
I realize that now. I admit I still wish I would've figured it out before I moved here. Or really that I paid more attention to the questions in my mind. I should've paid more attention to thinking it was odd that he was so concerned with her knowing about me. I even asked him about why he was so concerned. He didn't really give much of an answer.
Whatever. Five more months and I'll be out of here. I'll delete all the e-mails and conversations that I kept. I'll throw away everything that reminds me of him. And maybe someday I will find someone who is not a complete ass. I will not let anyone do this to me again.
Have I mentioned that I still feel incredibly stupid?
3 comments:
Jod, Try not to let yourself feel bad. At least you were willing to risk moving to a new place to pursue a dream. At least you won't look back and if you should have tried. You'll know that you made a mistake and learn from it, but you won't be left with that vague notion that you missed something.
Hey girl you don't know me really but we went to the same church camp and we have had the uh...boy trouble you could sort of say. You definitely shouldn't feel bad with what happened to Dumb Dave. He just wasn't the one. You shouldn't have to change for anyone at anytime. They should love you for you ...the good and the bad. No one is perfect and certainly not Conour. Lord...I do know that! I am proud of you regardless...you moved...that is just fearless. You took a chance! You didn't make a mistake...not by a long shot! If he didn't really want you there he should of spoke up. You are on an adventure. Granted, this adventure sucks just a wee bit right now. I have seen you grow in your blog since summer. You are much more independent and sure of who you are and what you want. That is major progress. You have determination and remind me of myself at your age. You finally took off your rose-colored glasses off where David is concerned. I know from personal experience how hard that can be the first time you really see David with clear eyes. There are great guys out there you just have to look outside the box. The guy will find you though...I promise. You just be you and work on your relationship with God. Baby steps are still steps moving forward. If you ever need someone to vent to or just to listen you can always contact me on myspace or on here. I only started an account because I wanted to leave you this comment. Keep your head up girl...
lex1037 what's your myspace url? e-mail it to me.
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