One of the things my mom has constantly said over the last few months is "reach out to God," and "seek God." Last night she said it and I told her to shut up. Ok maybe I didn't tell her to shut up, that is a little harsh. But I did tell her to just stop saying it. I'm sick of hearing it. All I can say is that I'm trying and trying the only way I know how.

And not that it's any surprise but really I'm not doing too great right now. Work makes me want to scream. I think working at the hotel again will be good; I at least like the people there. Most of the people at the cable company make me want to roll my eyes constantly. Ok really just one or two but that's enough. Plus it's boring. Oh well.

As much as I wanted to go to church last week, I totally didn't want to today. I finally made myself get up and go. It was ok. . .after the service there was this thing called lunch with the pastors. So I went, ate fried chicken, green beans, and salad and met all the pastors plus a few people from the church. It was good. They just told us about how the church got started and its vision and stuff. I also met one of the guys that leads worship and he told me about the young adult Bible study. So I guess I'll look into going to that.

I'm trying to be ok. Right now it's just not working all that well.

I start back at the hotel next week. Monday to be exact. I'll work a couple nights a week after my regular job then on the weekends, which is a relief.

Today I bought the book The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I always liked the movie and always wanted to read the book. I love it! I just sat and read it all afternoon. I definitely like the book better than the movie but still like the movie. . .in fact, I decided I would just go ahead and watch it now. Now I want to read the rest of the books!

So I took a closer look at my lease and it says it is actually up on the 31st of JULY. JULY! The so-called 12-month lease is now actually 13 months?! What the hell is up with that? I signed the lease at the beginning of July. I'm going to ask about it. I can't believe I may actually have to stay here a month longer.

I feel suffocated.

Kudos to me?

Being Made's comment from my last entry:

You know.... maybe instead of regretting the decision, you should give yourself some kudos.

You were willing to take a risk, to take a chance. And you did it for the greatest motivation of all--Love. Does it totally suck that things got all messed up, yes?

But.... you took the chance. You were brave enough to put yourself out there.

That's something a lot of people can't claim.

So maybe after this risk you will be more careful... and that will be good too. Hopefully this will help give you more wisdom to discern these tricky situations. But I hope part of you will always be willing to take a chance for something that could be really wonderful, even though it may mean risking really terrible heart-ache. Love is ALWAYS a risk. And you were brave enough to take it. And that is something that you should *not* regret

Maybe sometime I'll be able to look at it more like that. Sometimes I do but lately it's been hard. But the thing is. . .I don't know how willing I'm going to be about ever taking the chance again. I know there's always the possibility of being hurt, even if the relationship works out. I know even if I end up finding someone and getting married that won't mean days of being sad and lonely won't happen. I definitely won't walk into it lightly that's for sure.

Sometimes it just all comes back and I can't help but sit here thinking I would give anything to talk to him, to see him...sometimes I sit here thinking I really wish my mom would've been right.

But then I get bored thinking of all of it. I know I should just let myself feel how I feel. I guess I just will. Things won't always be like this.

Forget regret

I have watched the movie Rent twice this week. There is just something about it that is inspiring to me.

Tonight it is making me think of just wanting to live my life and making the most of it. It's hard right now to do that. It's hard for me to figure out how I can make the most of the time I am somewhere I don't want to be. And I hate sitting around being sad and replaying everything from April until now and regretting most of it.
I moved out here, taking a chance that it would mean that I had found someone I would spend the rest of my life with. The gamble didn't work. I don't know why I thought of him one and then found him on myspace and we ended up talking so much and eventually thinking it could be more. I don't now why everything worked out so well for me to move out here. I don't know why everything seemed to immediately fall apart once I got here (well I have my theories but I won't go into that). I don't know why I had to move all the way to Wichita to figure out that he wasn't right for me.
But the thing is I can't do anything about it. I can't go back and make different decisions. I had no way of knowing what was going to happen and how thing were going to end up.
"Forget regret, or life is yours to miss."

I can't keep regretting all this stuff. I can't regret re-meeting him. I can't regret falling for him. I can't regret not doing things I wanted to in CO like climbing a mountain. I can't regret decisions I've made about money and my attitude towards wanting certain things. I'm always changing, growing, and learning. I'm getting more and more used to just not doing things like going out to eat and going shopping. I'm enjoying simpler things like talking to my friends and family and taking walks in the snow. I just want to be able to be content where I am and whatever my situation is. I want to be able to enjoy my life in all its stages even if it's hard.

E.L. Fudge. . .

. . .cookies are good. I bought some today. Although I think I should've gotten the double stuffed ones. Oh well.

I'm watching Mary Poppins; it makes me happy. It reminds me of being a kid. When I was little, my brother and I would try to do the chimney sweep dance. It always makes me smile.
And I love the part when Mr. Banks gets fired. Over Christmas I watched it with my parents and my dad always laughs like the old man when he gets told the joke about a wooden leg named Smith. :-)

Well I'm going to start working part-time at the hotel again. I went in and right away the manager was excited and have me back. Between the temp job and the hotel I'll be able to make the money I need. I'm actually looking forward to it. I missed working there. I liked the people I worked with; we had a lot of fun.

Things seem to be looking up; I'm feeling better about things. I think I'll be able to be more content here especially if I'm doing what I need to do to pay my bills and stuff. And plus it'll leave me less time to think. Thinking can be really bad especially when you do it too much. Especially when you're not thinking of anything beneficial.

Ok back to Mary Poppins and my cookies.

I woke up this morning worried that the roads were still going to be bad and covered in dirty, slushy snow and I'd be unable to get to church for the third week in a row. Two weeks ago I was sick, last week ice pellets were falling, and this week it snowed. I really missed going actually. So after checking a local news site to make sure there was still going to be services, I went outside to see if the roads had been cleared. They were! I figured as long as I could get out of the parking lot I'd be able to make it. And I did. I was very glad I went. I do like the church...although I still miss my church in Colorado. I miss the music most of all. The music here is good except most of the time it's just a guitar, a piano, maybe a bit of drums to keep a beat but I really got used to the music at Lookout. It was more lively and well, loud. I like loud.
But anyway I do like the church I've been going to. Today was supposed to be youth Sunday but becuase of the weather some kids weren't able to make it so it was postponed. One of the associate pastors spoke; he preached about time. . .how we spend it, how we should make the most of it and not waste it.
I had been thinking a lot about that lately. I feel I do nothing but waste time. The free time I have is used doing nothing. . .watching TV, using the computer, and a lot of the time being depressed. And I really am getting sick of it. Of course, like I decided yesterday, I am going to get a 2nd job. If I go back to the hotel I can work a few nights a week plus Saturday and Sunday.

Another thing I want to start doing is getting involved in some kind of ministry. Lately I've been thinking a lot about the problem of poverty and homelessness and can no longer ignore the fact that I see people looking in trash cans for food. There is a United Methodist ministry here in town called Open Door that I'm going to call to see about getting involved in. I don't know what I could do considering I looked at the website and the stuff like the soup kitchen and the place they have for people to get clothing are only open on weekdays when I'd be at work. So I don't know. I've got to do something and not just because I don't want to be sitting around doing nothing but because it just seems like God keeps nudging me and wanting me to get going with serving Him and His people, somehow. I still am unsure of what, exactly.

I watched Rent last night. I love the movie and someday I hope I see the stage production. If you haven't seen it, it takes place from Christmas Eve 1989 to the following Christmas Eve. At the time, the characters lived in "Alphabet City" in Manhattan, i.e. Ave. A, B, C, etc. It's the lower east side and it was filled with a lot of homeless people, "squatters," junkies. . .basically a very unsavory area. Not a place you'd really want to be after dark unless you lived there. Since then the area has cleaned up a lot...now Manhattan isn't as dangerous but now you have to be rich just to live there. Anyway, the movie takes place around the time when AIDS and HIV became a big deal. The author wrote it because he had so many friends that were dying of AIDS. In the movie, four of the eight major characters have HIV or AIDS. Near the end the character Angel dies. He is an amazing drummer and a drag queen. There is a scene in which his boyfriend is holding him while he is shaking and coughing on the subway, then later in the hospital where he dies. The first few times of seeing this I was in tears. It reminded me of something I read in a Focus on the Family pamphlet about homoesexuality. Right when AIDs became such a big deal, the majority of people with the disease were gay and the majority of the Christian community in America used it as a way of condemning people, saying they were being judged for their behavior, instead of saying "how can we help? how can we take care of you? and we're here for you." The scene in the movie of Angel's friends (essentially his family) taking care of him, visiting him at the hospital, and being at his funeral telling different stories of things he said and did are all examples of things Christians should have and should be willing to do. It makes me think of Matthew 25:35-40.
I can't keep ignoring passages in the Bible like that. I can't keep thinking that there is nothing I can do just because I don't think I have anything to give or won't be good at whatever it is I try to do.
I guess I still don't know exactly what to do though. Guess I'll keep thinking and praying about it.

I had a long talk with my parents today. It started off fine, just told mom about the snow and how I took a walk in it (it was great). Then I looked at what I realized was a statement about my student loans that I got in an e-mail. I had been wondering about the loans I took out for CCU...I knew I should have to start paying on them soon. I was right and I'm already at least two months behind. I got freaked. I had a bit of a meltdown earlier this week and I started having another one. So on Monday I'm going to go to the hotel and see if I can get a part-time job there. If I can't get something there, I'll try for something else. I think if I get something for another 20-25 hours a week, I can make enough to cover everything. Plus it'll take up more time. I have too much time on my hands to think anyway. Somehow I have to find a way to keep up with stuff and actually pay off my credit cards. I've been doing pretty good at not using them with the exception of some Christmas gifts and last month's cell phone bill...they're all cut up at least. And now I've been pretty good at staying away from shopping websites. As long as I can limit how often I get cravings for Sonic and Chipotle I think I'll be able to do pretty good.

And after seeing more of what it may be like to actually work at the cable company I may look into trying to get an actual job there. I could do the customer service/sales stuff or maybe even work at the call center. I'd get a base pay and commission. Plus free cable and internet. Plus benefits. And working there now as a temp has at least gotten my foot in the door. The only disadvantage is the fact that if I did do that then I'd basically have to stay here. After going through the training and everything it would be dumb to just leave. I told my mom flat-out that I hate the idea of finding a decent job here because I don't want to have a reason to stay. She said (and she's right) that I really can't afford to think like that. So somehow I have to try not to look at it that way. I guess if I have to stay here I will. Ugh, I hate the idea of that so much.

I know I'll be fine. Right now it's hard to actually believe it. Right now I still feel like a huge trick was played on me and I just keep getting laughed at. And it's all my fault. Except I know it's not really. All the stuff that made Dave and me not right for each other, I wouldn't have known unless I lived here. If I had waited to move here we might have had to find all that out after we were married. That wouldn't have been good. I still don't like that all this happened with someone that I had already known...I don't like that I have bad memories associated with him now. I hope it's not always that way. It would be nice to get to the point where I can look at the good stuff and just leave it at that. It would be nice to get to the point where I could just stop missing him. I will eventually.

Haircut woe

I have not gotten a haircut since the end of September. I haven't had the money until now to get one. And then I made the mistake of going to a chain hair salon. Fantastic Sam's. As soon as I walked in I thought "oh no, I shouldn't do this." You can just tell when walking in by looking at the place and the people there that the $10.25 I would be spending would be a waste. And indeed I was right. I stayed because it was a hassle to get there in the first place because it is snowing wildly outside (which means again I'm stuck inside all day). I sat down and the lady didn't even ask what I wanted done, she just starts putting on the cape and grabbing her scissors. So I explain that I just want a trim (which translates into taking about an inch off because it's been so long, my split-ends are horrible). She looks like she's barely paying attention and just starts chopping. And I discovered that I am very annoyed when people aren't paying attention to cutting my hair and they are instead just chatting away to the other people at the "salon." At one point she was just holding a section of my hair, turned around and started talking to someone about a certain kind of car. It was painful to watch how she was cutting my hair. I really wonder if she really went to beauty school. I think the license that was scotch-taped on the mirror was fake.

I knew I should've called an actual salon. I wouldn't have been able to go to any of the really good ones but I probably could've gotten away with going somewhere, even if it was the JCPenney salon. Oh well. This will do for awhile and then I'll just save up some money to get a good haircut. I'm still dreaming that eventually I'll have long, flowy, layered hair like (i'm embarassed to admit) Lindsay Lohan's. But seriously the girl has good hair. Except when it's dyed blonde.

Anyway. . .I am about to break down and buy season six of Gilmore Girls. I wanted to wait until Target had it on sale for $20 again but I don't know if I'll be able to hold out. I'm almost done with seasons 1-5 for the 4th time. And I'm bored with all my movies. And I realized the other day that I lost my copy of Ocean's 11. I don't know if it ever made it to Kansas. I guess I didn't miss it too much considering I just figured out that I don't have it anymore.

5 months, 10 days.

I finally got to start taking payments at the cable company. No more directing traffic! Woohoo! I did mess up someone's payment today though. It got fixed but I felt bad.

Whew! I've sat around here most of the night just chillin out but now I'm getting a second wind. I'm in a good mood tonight.

and now. . .it's time to turn up some music and do some dancing! Pretty soon the jeans that are on the verge of being too big will be REALLY too big! Woohoo!

So. . I learned a few things this week. They are:

1) Steak isn't really that great when not cooked on a grill. Loads of A1 sauce helps a lot.
2) It is possible to ruin mashed potatoes to the point where they taste horrible. I blame my smart balance butter-like spread and my attempt to be creative and make garlic mashed potatoes.

And my beef craving still isn't going away. I had to talk myself out of going to sonic tonight. And I'm still talking myself out of it.

I think I'm going to have to break down and get a part-time job. I may go back to the hotel or try for Starbucks. I'm making enough money to cover my bills and buy food but I'm definitely in scrimping mode. One mis-spent $5 and I'm screwed. Plus working more will take up more of my time so I'm not sitting around being bored.

That is one of the hardest things right now. . .I have no idea what kind of job I want to try to get. I thought about applying for a job at the cable company but I'm apprehensive about that because it's all sales and customer service. And that kind of thing just isn't me. . .I could do it but. . .I don't know. I really like when I've worked in an office with a smaller group of people.

And whether it's a good attitude or not I admit that I don't necessarily want to get a regular job here because I don't want any reason to have to stay here.

I guess I'll figure something out eventually. Only 5 1/2 more months.

Steak & books

I'm craving steak. A nice, big juicy steak covered in A1 sauce. I'm trying to figure out how to get rid of the craving without actually getting a steak. One thought was getting a steak burrito at chipotle but even that doesn't sound good. I'm tired of chicken & rice and salad. Oh well maybe the craving will go away.

I have made a list of books that I am making it a point to finish and/or read this year. Here they are:

*The Scarlet Letter
*Pride & Prejudice
*Emma
*Sense & Sensibility
*The Two Towers
*Return of the King
*Six Tales of the Jazz Age (F. Scott Fitzgerald)
*In Our Time (Ernest Hemingway)
*Les Miserables
*Stores, poems, and plays from my college Literature book
*Introduction to Theology (from my intro to theology class)
*Religion in American History
*A Theology for the Social Gospel
*Christianity & Liberalism
*Engaging the Powers

So I'm going to read all those books as well as start studying for the MCAT (I figure I'll shoot for taking it sometime after the summer) and finish my brother's scarf. I really should try to get that done before the winter is over.

Maybe all this will keep my mind occupied and keep me from wishing it was already July so I can move and get on with my life.

time to laugh at myself

hehehehehe
so apparently I have comment moderation set up...and I had no idea. So I haven't gotten any of the comments that get made. Val informed me of it. Which makes me feel better. I was beginning to feel like a loser. Now I just feel a little dumb. . .hehehe no now I'm just laughing at myself.

You know what is SO good? Godiva dark chocolate truffle hot chocolate and popcorn. It's perfect for staying in on a cold wintery night. And tomorrow I'm making wonderful fudgey brownies.

I hope the roads aren't too bad tomorrow, I want to go to church. (I still am amazed that I WANT to go to church, it baffles me) I didn't go last week because I didn't feel well and well I didn't like it. I guess if I can make it to the bank I can make it to church.

Cold

gee I can't even get comments if I beg for them.

It's cold here. I spent last night wearing multiple layers of clothing, wrapped up in a blanket watching a movie. I must admit being cold makes me wish I had someone to cuddle with. But really the down blanket works just fine. I'm thankful I have it.

I also think I've managed to get a cold too.

A while back I mentioned that I read the book Blue Like Jazz. I have been rereading it, this time a little slower and letting it sink in more. There's a chapter about loving yourself and how Don (the author) went through a time where he was really down on himself. He did his best to love other people but thought it was, in some way, wrong to love himself. So he always put himself down and when other people tried to love him he couldn't except it. He didn't believe it. And it also made me unable to believe the God loved him. His head knew it but it didn't make it to his heart. Then one day he remembered what Jesus said: love your neighbor as yourself. He was able to see that the way he treated himself was the same way he had concluded it was wrong to treat other people. He realized that in order to really love people he had to love himself and be able to accept love from others as well.

Last year at about this time I was getting more to the point of realizing that I couldn't keep putting myself down. And it wasn't wrong to actually be confident and love myself. However, now, I realize that I still base how I feel about myself on what I think other people think of me. I still let other people define me instead of letting God do it. When D liked me it made it easier to believe that God liked me too. However, now that he doesn't it's hard not to think that God doesn't really either. My head knows that's ridiculous but you know .... I'm working on it. I know God still is head over heels about me, and no matter what my life holds, he's going to be with me every step of the way.

Ok time to decide if it's worth going outside in the ice to get some cold medicine. Maybe I'll just take NyQuil and go to sleep.

leave me a comment

Not that I have a lot of lurkers that read my blog but apparently its national de-lurking week. So leave me a comment....especially because I never get comments. Put a smile on my face :-)

Just some random stuff:

I'm going to start taking payments at the cable company. It'll be interesting to see how it works because I can't help people if they have a question about their bill or problems with anything. I can only take money. But it could be a good thing because if I get the hang of it, it could lead to an actual job at the company, then I get free internet and cable! Oh and know how I wrote some stuff about the other temp and how she doesn't do a very good job? I'm not the only one who notices. Most of the regular employees don't like her much at all. I told one today "I was just hoping people would notice the stuff she did and didn't do, I wasn't going to be a tattle-tale." It was good to find out things did get noticed.

I enjoyed my Godiva truffles on my birthday.

I got my Kansas driver's license. Well actually I got a receipt-type piece of paper that serves as my license until the actual one gets mailed to me. I got to the DMV at 8 am and was out of there by 8:15 am. That's gotta be some kind of record. And since I got out so quickly I treated myself to some Starbucks (using my wonderful christmas gift card).

I am not crazy about the fact that Bush wants to send more troops to Iraq. I don't think we can just leave. . .but it doesn't seem like things are actually happening to help make Iraq an independent country. I don't think sending more troops are going to make that happen. But I also admit I don't know all that much about it. However, I am leaning towards the not wanting more troops over there...

I've been thinking about a lot of different things lately. Some of which I'll probably be writing about soon. I want to get away from the "my life sucks" stuff that seems to be pretty normal lately. I don't like it. It's boring. And maybe it'll help me stop thinking about D. and C, K, J, and J. But mostly D.

I can't seem to get out of this funk I'm in. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I think I finally fell asleep around 3 am maybe. . .only to wake up by 5 or 6. . .fell back asleep after an hour or so and woke up again at 9:30. I tried to fall back asleep but by 10:30 I gave up.

Ok let's be honest right now I'm miserable and I don't know what to do about it.

A year ago things were getting better. I was feeling better. And then. . .less than a year later I am back to where I was a few years ago. Seems as though I will never stop doing idiotic things.

I keep thinking about wanting to write. . .like a story or something but I have no idea what.

Damn it, I just want to stop crying. I want to stop feeling like my life has no purpose and that I'm of no importance. I want to stop thinking about him. I want the next 6 months to go by as quickly as possible (quicker than the last 6 months). I want to get through one day without calling myself an idiot for moving here and actually believing the relationship was real and would actually work.

I just want to get to the feeling better and getting over it part.

Apparently I'm going for the goal of writing something everyday of the year of 2007. Oh wait no not really. If anything sometime I hope that I don't have much time to write because that would mean I actually have a life. But for now here I am writing everyday.

Two things. . .first the good - I treated myself to a movie today and saw Night at the Museum. It's funny. I like it. I want to go to NYC. One pic of the city and I'm hooked and dream of the day I will be walking in Central Park, eating a Gray's Papaya hotdog, looking in the shop windows of the designer stores on Fifth Avenue, seeing Times Square, going to museum after museum, seeing as many Broadway shows as possible, going to the top of the Empire State Building, then immediately thinking I was crazy because I'm terrified of heights...oh everything. I want to do every touristy thing plus more.
Ok so I started writing about the movie. . anyway it's really good. I needed a lighthearted, funny movie and it was perfect.

I needed a lighthearted funny movie because I'm frustrated with how I've been the last few days. I've been too emotional. On one hand I'm glad I didn't fly off the handle about the whole mail fiasco but on the other. . .I'm frustrated that I'm still sad. And I still think about wanting to talk to him. I just want to get over it and move on. It's frustrating that I haven't been able to yet. And its irritating that one thing I've been thinking of is how his daughter's birthday is coming up...and I really wish I could get her a card and a gift. But I can't...as much as I have to forget about him I have to forget about the kids too. Its really hard trying to get over 5 people at once.

Oh well. . .it's time for my birthday celebration pizza. Tomorrow is Chipotle and then Monday. . .Godiva chocolate truffles. And possibly some ice cream.

Oh My God

Sometimes I cannot forgive
And these days mercy cuts so deep
If the world was how it should be
Maybe I could get some sleep
While I lay, I dream we're better
Scales were gone and faces lighter
When we wake, we hate our brother
We still move to hurt each other
Sometimes I can close my eyes
and all the fear that keeps me silent
Falls below my heavy breathing
what makes me so badly bent?
We all have a chance to murder
We all feel the need for wonder
We still want to be reminded
that the pain is worth the thunder

-Jars of Clay "Oh My God"

Bored

I'm bored. Bored, bored, bored.

I need to work on my brother's scarf. It's still not done. But lately it's been hard for me to sit still. Knitting would mean sitting still. And there are some books I need to continue reading but that means sitting still as well.

My mom had to overnight something to me so I can go get a new driver's license. It didn't get here. I had to go to the post office to find out if they could locate it. It hadn't even gotten to Wichita yet. I was surprised at myself. I remained very calm throughout the whole thing. Usually this was the kind of thing that would send me into hysterics but not today. I pleasantly explained my situation to the postal worker, thanked her (genuinely) kindly for her help and then just said "well I'll see if it gets here tomorrow." I really needed to get it so I can go get the license...mine expires on Sunday. But hopefully I'll go on Monday or Tuesday at the latest. Oh wait they're closed on Monday. The only problem is if its expired I have to take a written exam...I'm sure they won't be nice and let me out of it, even though it'll only be expired for one day. Oh well. I already have the handbook downloaded in case I need to study.

But I am just glad I didn't throw a fit about it all. I'm just calm about it. And those that know me, that's saying A LOT.

I'm bored. I haven't been sleeping too well the last few nights. It takes a long time to fall asleep then I wake up every few hours, sometimes even just when I move, it seems. Then when the time comes to wake up, I can't. And I really don't want to get out of bed. Waking up knowing that a day of aching feet and complaining people is ahead of you, its hard thinking there is any good reason to actually get out of bed.

Oh and I've tried to be nice when it comes to the girl I work with but she is getting on my nerves. She goes on breaks that end up lasting 25-30 minutes, is always late back from her lunch break, and isn't so good on the customer service front. She usually just sounds rude. And she ends up getting so concentrated on what's on TV that she's oblivious that people are walking in the door. Which as long as I'm not doing anything its fine but if I'm helping someone make a payment it doesn't work too well. Today she told me at one point that she was going to go outside to catch people before they came in, then almost immediately I saw people walking in with equipment so I had to redirect them, looked outside and she's nowhere to be found. And she'll voice her comments about how annoying people can be when there's a room full of people standing there listening to her and she's not quiet. I just think that's rude. Oh well it's really not our fault that the plan of making the lines easier to manage isn't working too well. Sometimes there's only 1 person taking payments and then people still have to wait a long time. Of course, it amazes me how many people think they have to make their payments in person. And in cash. They just carry hundreds of dollars in cash with them. It's crazy. Then they stand there and complain about how long they have to wait. Ever heard of the mail? Or paying online? Or spending the $1.00 to get a money order? I think a buck is worth the time to not spend in a line.
Oh well. That's just me.

I had this lady today that just kept saying that the payment kiosk wouldn't work and wouldn't give her a receipt that it took the payment, even after telling her over and over that it posts right away and it gives you a receipt, saves time, etc. Well after she had waited in line a good 30 minutes and saw me run about 6 people through she decided she'd try it. I've had a couple of people like that, they just like to complain about everything and try to make it all more difficult than it really is. I just want to get them the heck out of the building quicker so I don't have to listen to them. HA!

Ok so what other random streams of writing can I go through to keep me from being bored? OH crap I need to get my niece a birthday card. I guess she'll have to get it late. I don't know what to get her at all. Re-gifting the necklace I got from mom for Christmas would probably be in bad taste since she got one almost just like it. There was someone else I thought about giving it to but. . .that goes against forgetting certain things.

I got a Starbucks gift card for Christmas. I haven't used it yet! How crazy is that? I keep trying to wake up early enough to go before work but I haven't yet. Maybe tomorrow. Of course, I have all this coffee at my apartment I haven't used yet either. This morning I managed to make some to take with me on my drive.

Ok now I'm getting bored writing. Maybe I'll go continue reading Matthew. Or as I like to call it the "Jewish, male-chauvinist" gospel. Oh well, it's still not that bad ;-)

Ok that's enough of my mindless rambling!

heavenly...

I decided that it would be ok to start celebrating my birthday a little early. I bought chocolate. Godiva chocolate. And it was on sale! Woohoo!

It's good.....

a lot on my mind

"January 1, I've gotta a lot of things on my mind." -Jars of Clay "Dead Man (Carry Me)"

Ok so it's not January 1st anymore but yesterday I did have a lot on my mind but I couldn't get on the internet so I'm writing about it today.

But really I have a lot on my mind so I'm not sure where to begin. . .I could probably have about 5 different posts about everything.

Ok well first of all, I have a new love. A wonderful, sweet, good-for-me love. And juicy. ;-) Pomegranates! Oh my gosh, I LOVE pomegranates! I had had the juice a lot before but never the acutal fruit. Well when I was in IL my parents had some and I tried it and it was absolutely remarkable. So I just had to get a few of my own. The fruit itself resembles corn kernels and its like eating candy. I can just sit and eat a bunch of it at once. Which, of course, is ok because its a good-for-you fruit. The only bad part is apparently you can only get them from October to January. So pretty soon there will be no more pomegranates :-(

The last few days have basically sucked. I tried the best I could to at least not think about the fact that Sunday was New Year's Eve. I made a pizza and had some Italian wine (I found the best liquor store that has wines from all over the world, next I'm going to try one from France, then from Spain, then from Australia and Argentina) and watched some movies. Went to bed early.
I awoke at about 2:00 am after having a freaky dream. I was lying in bed (in my dream), and on the wall was this bright red search-like-type light. I was thinking "this is only a dream" the whole time. Then I got up and tried to get rid of the light but I didn't have any hands and so then I jumped up trying to get out of the room but couldn't. I was trapped. I couldn't get out. Then I was trying to make myself wake up. Finally I did and I even gasped as soon as my eyes opened. It took about an hour or so before I could go back to sleep. It still freaks me out. I just had a horrible feeling of being trapped and stuck and unable to get out.

I had a long talk with my mom last night. I told her everything from feeling alone and trapped to many of my thoughts about faith, God, and my life. I told her how I keep thinking about the kind of Christian I want to be but have really no idea how to get there. I talked about my views on American Christianity and how its tendency to put people down, to judge, and to so willingly exclude certain people from the love of Christ makes me angry. I want to be someone that is real, honest, and able to show people who Jesus really is. Who knows if I'll ever actually be able to be like that though. The kind of Christian I want to be is so much different than what I grew up with. . .different even from the faith of my sister and her husband (who really are deep down so conservative and closed-minded it drives me nuts, oh but there I go being judgemental again, I'm making so much progress, eh?), different from the faith of my parents, my brother (which still baffles me). . .I still wonder if its ok though...
There's always this attitude of do "this, this, and this" and you'll have a personal relationship with Jesus. You have to read the Bible everyday and pray a certain way. Guess what? It's never worked for me. If I don't want to read the Bible, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I make myself anyway. Sometimes I lay in bed talking to God just about everything. Then sometimes I lay in bed yelling at him. Then sometimes I lay there silent because I am tired of talking or there aren't many words I can get out. I stopped being afraid of telling God how I really felt a long time ago.

Do you know that lately its been hard for me to even say the name Jesus, like when I'm praying or talking about him? I'm not sure why. It was hard just now to type it. I think maybe I'm still a little scared of it...everything the name signifies and means. Scared of the meanings I still do not know. "And these days mercy cuts so deep." (that would be another Jars of Clay reference...their music just somehow always hits me)

My birthday is next week. I have to go get a new driver's license which will be a Kansas one (ugh). And I decided that since I'll be spending my birthday alone I'm going to treat myself to a movie (i have no idea what though there are a lot out that I want to see) and dinner. It may only be Chipotle but I'll definitely treat myself to something. And I may have to get myself a cupcake or something. OOO or I could get some Godiva chocolate. They have some at Barnes & Noble. Now THAT is a plan! I hope they have some truffles.

I'm trying not to be depressed...about the still being here thing (and still feeling like even though I want to go, I'm supposed to stay here) and the turning 26 thing (and feeling like my life is going nowhere). It's hard. Yesterday I did not do a good job about it. But oh well.

In the next couple of weeks I'm going to see about getting involved in a bible study at the church I've been going to. And possibly joining the choir. I miss singing. Oh and I found out that the pastor I thought was a Catholic priest is actually Episcopalian. And he's working on a Ph.D. in New Testament Theology from the University of Durham in England. He spoke about a passage from Matthew (about the Magi) on Sunday and so that got me into reading Matthew. He threw in all these different historical and theological things which I loved. Now I hope I get to sit and talk with him sometime. He seems very interesting but also intimidating. I always wanted to talk to my theology and Biblical studies profs at CCU but never managed to.

Anyway. . .

Here's to the journey I've been on for the last 26 years. It's taken a lot of turns I haven't expected, a lot I haven't been too happy with, there have been instances of joy and contentment. The journey has been painful, I've skinned my knees and had a few bruises. I have laughed with joy and danced until I could no longer stand. And I hope I still have a long road in front of me. I hope it is full of more joy, more laughter, more dancing, more pain and more hurt. Of course I do hope that the hurt and pain thing is someday a little easier to deal with. (don't we all?) I hope that my journey will someday allow me to be me and then forget about myself. Who knows what my life will hold. I guess we'll see.

Happy New Year