a lot on my mind

"January 1, I've gotta a lot of things on my mind." -Jars of Clay "Dead Man (Carry Me)"

Ok so it's not January 1st anymore but yesterday I did have a lot on my mind but I couldn't get on the internet so I'm writing about it today.

But really I have a lot on my mind so I'm not sure where to begin. . .I could probably have about 5 different posts about everything.

Ok well first of all, I have a new love. A wonderful, sweet, good-for-me love. And juicy. ;-) Pomegranates! Oh my gosh, I LOVE pomegranates! I had had the juice a lot before but never the acutal fruit. Well when I was in IL my parents had some and I tried it and it was absolutely remarkable. So I just had to get a few of my own. The fruit itself resembles corn kernels and its like eating candy. I can just sit and eat a bunch of it at once. Which, of course, is ok because its a good-for-you fruit. The only bad part is apparently you can only get them from October to January. So pretty soon there will be no more pomegranates :-(

The last few days have basically sucked. I tried the best I could to at least not think about the fact that Sunday was New Year's Eve. I made a pizza and had some Italian wine (I found the best liquor store that has wines from all over the world, next I'm going to try one from France, then from Spain, then from Australia and Argentina) and watched some movies. Went to bed early.
I awoke at about 2:00 am after having a freaky dream. I was lying in bed (in my dream), and on the wall was this bright red search-like-type light. I was thinking "this is only a dream" the whole time. Then I got up and tried to get rid of the light but I didn't have any hands and so then I jumped up trying to get out of the room but couldn't. I was trapped. I couldn't get out. Then I was trying to make myself wake up. Finally I did and I even gasped as soon as my eyes opened. It took about an hour or so before I could go back to sleep. It still freaks me out. I just had a horrible feeling of being trapped and stuck and unable to get out.

I had a long talk with my mom last night. I told her everything from feeling alone and trapped to many of my thoughts about faith, God, and my life. I told her how I keep thinking about the kind of Christian I want to be but have really no idea how to get there. I talked about my views on American Christianity and how its tendency to put people down, to judge, and to so willingly exclude certain people from the love of Christ makes me angry. I want to be someone that is real, honest, and able to show people who Jesus really is. Who knows if I'll ever actually be able to be like that though. The kind of Christian I want to be is so much different than what I grew up with. . .different even from the faith of my sister and her husband (who really are deep down so conservative and closed-minded it drives me nuts, oh but there I go being judgemental again, I'm making so much progress, eh?), different from the faith of my parents, my brother (which still baffles me). . .I still wonder if its ok though...
There's always this attitude of do "this, this, and this" and you'll have a personal relationship with Jesus. You have to read the Bible everyday and pray a certain way. Guess what? It's never worked for me. If I don't want to read the Bible, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I make myself anyway. Sometimes I lay in bed talking to God just about everything. Then sometimes I lay in bed yelling at him. Then sometimes I lay there silent because I am tired of talking or there aren't many words I can get out. I stopped being afraid of telling God how I really felt a long time ago.

Do you know that lately its been hard for me to even say the name Jesus, like when I'm praying or talking about him? I'm not sure why. It was hard just now to type it. I think maybe I'm still a little scared of it...everything the name signifies and means. Scared of the meanings I still do not know. "And these days mercy cuts so deep." (that would be another Jars of Clay reference...their music just somehow always hits me)

My birthday is next week. I have to go get a new driver's license which will be a Kansas one (ugh). And I decided that since I'll be spending my birthday alone I'm going to treat myself to a movie (i have no idea what though there are a lot out that I want to see) and dinner. It may only be Chipotle but I'll definitely treat myself to something. And I may have to get myself a cupcake or something. OOO or I could get some Godiva chocolate. They have some at Barnes & Noble. Now THAT is a plan! I hope they have some truffles.

I'm trying not to be depressed...about the still being here thing (and still feeling like even though I want to go, I'm supposed to stay here) and the turning 26 thing (and feeling like my life is going nowhere). It's hard. Yesterday I did not do a good job about it. But oh well.

In the next couple of weeks I'm going to see about getting involved in a bible study at the church I've been going to. And possibly joining the choir. I miss singing. Oh and I found out that the pastor I thought was a Catholic priest is actually Episcopalian. And he's working on a Ph.D. in New Testament Theology from the University of Durham in England. He spoke about a passage from Matthew (about the Magi) on Sunday and so that got me into reading Matthew. He threw in all these different historical and theological things which I loved. Now I hope I get to sit and talk with him sometime. He seems very interesting but also intimidating. I always wanted to talk to my theology and Biblical studies profs at CCU but never managed to.

Anyway. . .

Here's to the journey I've been on for the last 26 years. It's taken a lot of turns I haven't expected, a lot I haven't been too happy with, there have been instances of joy and contentment. The journey has been painful, I've skinned my knees and had a few bruises. I have laughed with joy and danced until I could no longer stand. And I hope I still have a long road in front of me. I hope it is full of more joy, more laughter, more dancing, more pain and more hurt. Of course I do hope that the hurt and pain thing is someday a little easier to deal with. (don't we all?) I hope that my journey will someday allow me to be me and then forget about myself. Who knows what my life will hold. I guess we'll see.