I had a long talk with my parents today. It started off fine, just told mom about the snow and how I took a walk in it (it was great). Then I looked at what I realized was a statement about my student loans that I got in an e-mail. I had been wondering about the loans I took out for CCU...I knew I should have to start paying on them soon. I was right and I'm already at least two months behind. I got freaked. I had a bit of a meltdown earlier this week and I started having another one. So on Monday I'm going to go to the hotel and see if I can get a part-time job there. If I can't get something there, I'll try for something else. I think if I get something for another 20-25 hours a week, I can make enough to cover everything. Plus it'll take up more time. I have too much time on my hands to think anyway. Somehow I have to find a way to keep up with stuff and actually pay off my credit cards. I've been doing pretty good at not using them with the exception of some Christmas gifts and last month's cell phone bill...they're all cut up at least. And now I've been pretty good at staying away from shopping websites. As long as I can limit how often I get cravings for Sonic and Chipotle I think I'll be able to do pretty good.

And after seeing more of what it may be like to actually work at the cable company I may look into trying to get an actual job there. I could do the customer service/sales stuff or maybe even work at the call center. I'd get a base pay and commission. Plus free cable and internet. Plus benefits. And working there now as a temp has at least gotten my foot in the door. The only disadvantage is the fact that if I did do that then I'd basically have to stay here. After going through the training and everything it would be dumb to just leave. I told my mom flat-out that I hate the idea of finding a decent job here because I don't want to have a reason to stay. She said (and she's right) that I really can't afford to think like that. So somehow I have to try not to look at it that way. I guess if I have to stay here I will. Ugh, I hate the idea of that so much.

I know I'll be fine. Right now it's hard to actually believe it. Right now I still feel like a huge trick was played on me and I just keep getting laughed at. And it's all my fault. Except I know it's not really. All the stuff that made Dave and me not right for each other, I wouldn't have known unless I lived here. If I had waited to move here we might have had to find all that out after we were married. That wouldn't have been good. I still don't like that all this happened with someone that I had already known...I don't like that I have bad memories associated with him now. I hope it's not always that way. It would be nice to get to the point where I can look at the good stuff and just leave it at that. It would be nice to get to the point where I could just stop missing him. I will eventually.