Baseball and pasta

Can I just say it again? I rock. I am a damn good cook, I've discovered. Tonight was penne pasta and pesto with broccoli, tomatoes, and an Italian cheese blend. I also got bread that I topped with olive oil, garlic, pesto, and cheese. It's yummy.
I ended up talking to mom while I was cooking. I was cutting the bread and mentioned that it would make good communion bread referring to the fact that the church I've been going to serves little wafers. Then I said if I had some grape juice I could have my own communion. Then I thought well I don't have grape juice, but I do have cranberry juice so I could use that. So I did. That led to me mentioning how it was only since prohibition that grape juice was even used, which led to mom asking me if I've had wine. I hesitated a little but then finally said yes and I actually prefer it over juice for communion. There's something about the bitterness of it that just goes with communion. That's one thing I've avoided ever talking to my parents about but I figured it would come out sometime. When they come visit they're going to see the couple wine bottles I have set out. And I'm determined to not put them away, I can't hide from them who I am. I like wine; in fact, I really hate that liquor stores are closed here on Sundays, wine would've been wonderful with my meal. I would've felt all Italian. :-)
Anyway, something she said about how we can have communion on our own and it doesn't have to be blessed by clergy started me thinking about my recent attitude of "to hell with it" when it comes to my faith. One I seriously think there's the possibility that I suffer from pms more than I think I do but mainly I think maybe I get so hooked (or I am still hooked) on the idea that my faith is only about what I do and not the fact that it's just. . .me. My faith isn't separate from who I am. It is who I am. I think when I start getting the idea in my head that I am probably not getting it right because I don't do this, or I don't do that, I start judging myself on man's definition of what a Christian is supposed to be, and not on the fact that I am free from that judgment and Christ takes me as I am. And not only am I free from the judgment of other people I am free from my own judgment of myself. It's so hard still, though. Who knows if it will ever get any easier to just continue to hold on to that.
I still have no idea what my life will hold but I'm along for the ride!

Oh and just on a side note, I'm so sad that the Cardinals are losing. And despite the unfortunate name, Skip Schumaker I believe will become my new favorite player. And I admit it, it's just because he's cute ;-)