Trust

**Edited Post**

Last night when I wrote this I was at one point talking on the phone and talking online, so I wasn't really paying attention. I wanted to add a few things.

Trusting God is difficult at times. As I've said before, I've never really been too good at it. I think a lot of times I didn't know what it truly meant. I think maybe I thought that to trust God meant you always had to have it all "together." You could never doubt or be angry about your circumstances. You could never question.

Then, the questions come. Life comes at you, whatever it may be and you start to doubt. You become angry about your circumtances. And as hard as you try, nothing gets better. At least, it's been that way for me. Somehow I got in my mind at an early age that if I trusted God, my life would go just as planned. But then different things got to me (granted, not super bad things, but things that definitely affected me) and I started to doubt if God was really around and if trusting him was worth it. And for years I've struggled with it. Ever since moving to Kansas, I've been forced to and it's, of course, not been easy. I've been sitting here wondering what the hell is going on.

I am still learning. The last week or so, I think I'm actually starting to see that God really is taking care of me. He didn't just bring me here to be unhappy and miserable. I just need to let go and be patient. But it's so difficult at times. I just want to know what is going on, I want to know what God wants me to do. . .ok so I know I'm not the only one ;-)
The last few weeks and months have basically been total crap. A few days or maybe even a week may be good but for the most part things have been horrible. I've been so unhappy here. I don't like my jobs, although I'm so thankful for them; I don't have to worry about money at all. But still, I don't like them. I still feel bad at times for making such a big deal of things; my situation is a piece of cake really. But it has been hard. Figuring out how to make a life for yourself in a place you don't like and didn't have very good experiences in, is difficult. And I never realized before how lonely I really could be and how much I really do want people around. I need more than work to give my life meaning. I've tried. . .contacting the people from church about the Bible study was a huge step for me. And I do enjoy going. I didn't get to go for a few weeks and I missed it.

Last week, I had pretty much decided that I would move as quickly as I could. I've been praying as best as I can asking God what he wants me to do. I still don't know. I don't know what I want and I don't know what God wants, which should be what I want. I told God that if there was any reason for me to stay here he better let me know quick because I was going to move in two weeks. And now I'm beginning to wonder if that's exactly what's going on. . .
One thing that has happened is just feeling like there is the possibility to actually have friends here. Tonight I went to the house of a girl from work to help her move something and had dinner. I stuck around while she made some cookies for dessert and even colored with her daughter. It was fun. Then last Wednesday I ate lunch with a girl from Bible study. And the last few days I've started getting to know someone else as well. And if you read the comment on my previous post, you may have guessed that it is a guy (it is). He was at Bible study Monday. I actually didn't officially meet him but I guess he asked the friends he was with (that was his first time there) about me. So we started talking. He's really nice. He's supposed to be there tonight too. What's funny is I wasn't really paying attention at all when I saw him last week. I'm not sure if all of this means anything but now I'm thinking that I will go ahead and stay until at least July. I actually will need to figure out if I'm moving or not by June so I can give notice. I really am starting to wonder if God does have something up his sleeve. But we'll see. I just need to pray. And pray. And pray some more. Even if the prayer is "God, please help me not to be stupid again."

One thing I know I struggle with is seeking out what God wants for me and not just what I want. Which may be why I don't know what I want so I can actually get out of God's way and do what he wants me to do.
So even though I have no idea what is going on, I will continue to trust God, even though it may mean still being a little angry and sad and doubting somethings. One thing that I've learned is that trusting God doesn't mean to always be happy and not being able to question things.

Here goes!