I wanted to write more yesterday but I just couldn't. And now I am up early enough that I figured I'd sit down and get some stuff out before I have to go to work and make myself stop crying.
This sucks. This really sucks. My whole life has just been turned upside down and I have no idea how to make it right side up again. I am all alone out here. I thought maybe in time I'd get used to living here and grow to like it; that was when I had a reason to be here. Now there's nothing. The one person I know is the one person I can't talk to anymore. My one friend I had is the reason I am so upside down now.
So there's no one. Val invited me to come to visit her sometime. I may try to do that. I just feel so stuck here! I signed a freakin year lease for my apartment and now I'm stuck. I feel more stuck here than I did in Colorado. Except I'd do anything to be back there now. How crazy is that? I mean everything seemed to fall into place for me to move here and then I got here and then the shit hit the fan and it was all over it seemed before we could even catch our breath.
I hate this. I hate that here I am barely able to keep from crying, I'm devastated, I'm more alone now than I have felt in a really long time and he. . .he feels bad. He feels bad that he hurt little old Jodie. The little girl from camp.

He said he just wasn't ready for a relationship like he thought he was. I know he's been through a lot; I'm not diminishing what he's been through but it still really sucks.

And it's hard not to just be angry at myself for thinking something good was actually happening. I just feel so stupid. And now here I am stuck in Kansas. I'm starting completely from scratch and I have no idea how. I can't believe my mom when she says she still thinks we're meant to be together. I can't. I've done that before and it just hurts all the more when you know it really won't happen.

I can't believe this is happening. Funny, I said the same thing when it started.