Stupid

I just feel stupid. I know that really I'm not but I feel like it. And I feel stupid because I feel like I have no choice but to have an "everything's about me" attitude. I liked getting away from that for a little while. I liked being able to do things for someone. But now. . .
I forgot people's anniversaries...there are people who are going through a lot worse than I am and I just make them hear about my pathetic life. Ok, yes, they care and they want to know. They know I'm hurting and want to be here for me. I admit it has been nice to feel cared for even from miles and miles away.
I still just feel selfish sometimes about it.

He won't be reading this anymore...he said I deserve to have a place to express how I feel in the way I want. Which is true, I do deserve it. But the problem is I want him to read this. I don't know why but I do.

Oh well.

You know one thing I do like about Kansas is the fact it actually rains here. In CO it would cloud up, thunder, and maybe even lightning but it would maybe sprinkle or rain for about 5 seconds. This morning I woke up to a wonderful rain storm. I stood outside and enjoyed it for awhile and let my toes get wet.
I'm off work Saturday; I think I'm going to try to go to a nearby state park. There are supposed to be some hiking trails. I like hiking. Maybe getting some time alone in nature will be helpful.

I don't understand why all this has happened. Everyday I have to wake up and make the choice to still trust God and whatever the hell he has planned for me. I'm sick sometimes of not knowing. And it's very hard to be friends with him right now (as tracie said) but I'm still going to try. I tried to find a church with a Sunday evening service last night. It's so overwelming! There are so many freakin churches here. I don't know where to begin. It really stinks to be back at a place where I have to find a church again. . .I loved Lookout Mountain. And I really liked Dave's church, for the most part. And there are a few people there that I was excited about getting to know but now. . .I don't know if I'd be comfortable going.

Ok i really need to get ready for work. I can't wait for my day off tomorrow.