making this life work

I think the thing that makes this so hard is not necessarily losing him (even though that definitely does suck), is that I am so alone here. I uprooted my whole life. Right now it's hard even thinking that it was worth it. I mean is the whole thing about it is better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all really true? It doesn't feel like it. I mean the the relationship didn't even last 3 months. I just don't know if all this, falling in love, moving, all this hurt, was even worth it. I could've stayed in CO and been fine. I mean even if I would have found him again was it worth it to even get to know him and fall for him? I just don't know. No point in worrying about that now.

I had an actual good conversation with him the other day. I told him that even if I would've waited to move we might have been going through all this anyway, it would've just taken longer for the rose-colored glasses to come off. I still look back at everything and I don't think I would've done anything differently. I really really thought. . .

I've been good about trying to go to the park and walk and play tennis although it gets old playing by yourself. And I get frustrated when I can't even get the ball across the net. Oh well.
I treated myself to double stuff, chocolate creme Oreos...I realized it is fun to put milk in a martini glass to dunk the oreos.

I have to find a different job. The hotel just doesn't pay enough and it's not going to do me any good. I may try to stay there part-time. It would just mean some extra money for one thing.
I have to get serious about getting my life together out here. It means finding a well-paying job, deciding what to do about going to grad school, and stop depending on my parents for help. I hate that I still have to get money from them. I hate that I know I have paid $20,000 a year for an education that has led me to work for $8 an hour. Ok I know that is a little typical but still I don't want to do that. I have to find a better job and get this whole adult life in order.
I have to be ok. I have to find a life here. At least for now.

Right now there's only one reason for me to stay here and that's the reason I can't think of (getting back together with him). Since I'm here I may as well plan on possibly going to grad school here. I'd be able to get resident tuition. If I go somewhere else like back to Colorado I'd have to wait (to get in-state tuition) or pay an arm and a leg to go.

I realize there isn't anywhere I really want to live unless it's here with Dave someday or I want to go back to Colorado. Ok maybe I'd want to live in NYC but I could never afford to live there.

I think it's time for the park. My arm hurts from playing tennis so I think I may just have to walk.