My sister sent me a letter the other day and included a copy of a devotional that she had read and thought I needed to read. It was about a woman who had broken up with her boyfriend and now at the age of 30 was afraid of being alone. And then learning to give that fear over to God.

And I wondered: "is that me? Am I actually afraid of being alone, as in never getting married?"

And the thing is I don't think I am. I know that if I never get married then I'll be ok. I'll be better than ok. I know that I don't NEED to get married. Do I want to? Yeah, I do still. But I know I want to wait until I'm ready and it's the right time and I'm not going to live my life thinking it won't be complete until I'm married. I have to be complete on my own. If that means waiting 5, 10, 15, 20 years or never then ok.

However, I do think that I am afraid of being alone, in the sense of not having that many friends around. It takes a LOT of effort for me and sometimes I am just not willing to make the effort. I've struggled with the fact that I'm not that outgoing but at the same time I still want to just be me. After I get more comfortable I am more outgoing. I refuse to think that the fact that I am shy is a huge flaw or something. But it does make it difficult. Sometimes I really just wish I had someone I could call up and hang out with around here. I do get lonely. And sometimes as much as I like talking to my parents, I want someone else to talk to.

I got to thinking again today about whether or not I should try to find a regular job here. I'm exhausted. I woke up today at like 8:40 and have to be at work at 9:30. And the next two days will be exactly the same. But I am still looking forward to moving in four months. So I don't know. At this point a regular full-time job means staying in Wichita. I know I could do it and be fine but...I don't know. Even though I've been feeling better the last few weeks, everything is still uncertain and I still don't know what I want to do. I'm more to a point that I just want to want what God wants (how many times can you use want in a sentence?) for me.

Even with everything so uncertain and being unsure of so much, I am sure that I'm ok, there is something (and maybe even someone) for me. And Jesus is covering me and holding on to me tight. Just like he always has.