SoulForce

Well, tomorrow is the SoulForce visit. I can't remember if I wrote about it earlier...I tried looking for a post about it but I can't find it...
Basically SoulForce is a group that is going to different Christian colleges and universities (and some military schools) that have clauses in their handbook prohibiting gay and lesbian individuals from going to the school. Click here for their website.
If you know me, you know I have very strong feelings about the issue of homosexuality. I have written about it, I have argued, I have thought about it, and I have wrestled with how to approach the issue. Yesterday in chapel a former lesbian spoke. I had actually heard her story before. It's amazing. Click here to listen to her chapel message. (It's the one from April 11)

I hope that when the people from soulforce come, they are surprised and hit over the head with love and grace. I've heard some tidbits about their visits to other schools, and I think they've been surprised. They've been approached with love. People wanted to get to know them. People were interested in them as people (which if you listen to the chapel message, is one of the things that impacted Melissa the most).

Unfortunately, my day is pretty full so I don't even know if I'll get to talk to anyone but I'll post about things I hear about and see.

Amazing

It's amazing how hearing someone's voice as they leave you a message or getting an e-mail from someone in the middle of the day can just brighten your mood. :)

Today I realized how easy it is for me to still believe that I'm not someone that people would want to spend time with. I really have been getting better; I'm more comfortable just calling someone up to see if they want to do something and more willing to put myself out there to actually be friends with someone.
But I still have my moments, I'm not sure why. Sometimes I think I'm just trying to protect myself in some way, believing I will be hurt eventually. But I really don't want to be like that.
I also don't want to have to make people feel like they constantly need to reassure me. Because I am fun to be around. I'm a good friend (even though it's hard; I'm not good at advice and such really). I just need to remember that.

Anyway, just writing about it helps me to remember. I will not be a slave to my fear.

the man of my dreams

So last night I had a conversation and ended up talking about relationships. It got me thinking about my past relationships and what I want for the future.
I haven't had any good relationships. Or long ones. I went out with my first boyfriend for like 5 months and that was just basically to have someone to make out with and take me to the mall (not at night, of course, being that would mean we were dating). The guys I liked the most just kept me dangling from their strings and walked all over me. And I let them. I didn't think I deserved any better. I didn't think anyone would love me for who I was or respect me.
And then I realized that was just bullshit. I did deserve better. After my last relationship (well I don't know if you could call it a relationship, it was complicated), I decided things had to be different from then on. I mean, the physical stuff of relationships always puzzled me. Sex was out of the question but there's so much else that can happen. And churches and Christians never tell you what is too much. Even now it's just different for everybody. My best friend didn't really kiss her husband until they were married. Another friend waited to have sex but her and her husband were making out constantly (before they got married).
But now I know what will work for me. I just hope I can live up to the rules. I mean I know its going to be hard. But hopefully I'll find someone who will respect my rules, take them as his own and we'll help each other make it work.
We have to be friends first. We have to be able to have serious conversations, hang out and be silly, and be there for each other. I really do want the fairytale (well the real life kind). I want a man who is going to be up front and honest about his feeling for me and love me for who I am.
I want him to be a Christian but not a churchy, "yay my life is wonderful because I have Jesus" type. A real Christian who can admit his faults, be real, and admit his struggles. And I really hope I find someone who will know how much I hate cleaning and doing the dishes and be helpful in those areas :) Crazy, I know, but I can dream can't I? And he better be good with kids. And I want to be able to love him, encourage him, and learn from him. . .and be the kind of wife he needs.
I know sometimes girls dream about the type of guy they'll end up with and sometimes who you think is perfect for you isn't and you end up with someone you wouldn't have even dreamt of. And it is so easy to just daydream and hope. . .and someone can come along who you think is absolutely wonderful but he's not the one. So then you just keep dreaming.
In some respects I can be quite the feminist but really I'm not :) I want to get married and have a family. I still want to work but I want my family to come first. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It is possible to have a healthy, loving marriage. I know nowadays it seems impossible, but I really don't think it is.
I know the right guy will come along when it is time. It may be hard for me since I haven't had the best experience with men. Or boys rather, there haven't been any men. ;-)
I know someday someone will come along, love the little things about me, think its funny that I love Coach handbags, even if I can't get one, love that I dance around to Bon Jovi and Def Leppard when I need to release tension, love me whether I'm all glammed up or just in a sweatshirt and just love being around me even if we're just sitting around watching a movie.
God has that part of my life taken care of. And its something I am more than willing to let God be in control of. It'll be worth it.
And until then, I will be happy and content with my singleness even though it can be hard. I'll just be me and then someone will see that and absolutely love it :)

Change of plans

Well I didn't see BodyWorlds today. The girl who organized the whole trip for our school group didn't think she needed to order the tickets ahead of time. . .so we have to wait 2 weeks.
So instead my friend and I went to the zoo, then downtown (I found Ralph Lauren flip-flops for like $8!), then back to her apartment to watch a movie. We watched The Perfect Man. . .it was kinda dumb to tell the truth. Although there was a line that I can't forget. . . "love is friendship on fire." Or something like that. I thought it was fun.

Anyway, so I'm sure the BodyWorlds exhibit will be cool when I get to see it.

Just a few random things. . .

He's going to get a big head now that I've mentioned him on my blog twice but one of the best parts of my week this week has been reconnecting with an old friend of mine. MySpace ended up being very useful. We've known each other for years but lost contact the last 6 or so. It's just been very cool getting to know him again. :)

Tomorrow I get to go to see the BodyWorlds exhibit. I'm so excited! It's going to be so cool. The zoo is right next to the museum, I go again. Then I could see the tigers, I didn't really get to the last time. And I'll have to get a closer look at the lion cub.

Only 5 more weeks of school! Then I'll be done! I'm so excited! I know I'll be working for awhile but then I am not sure. . .med school was the initial plan but the more I think about it, the more I wonder if I want that to take 10 years of my life (give or take a few). There are other options: grad school to get my Ph.D. so I can be a professor or I could be a physician's assistant. I checked out a few different PA programs today. So we'll see. I could still make a pretty decent living but it won't take as long.

Ok that's all of the random things. I'll write about the bodyworld exhibit tomorrow. I'm so excited!

Racing

Have you ever just not been able to stop thinking so much? Like your brain just won't calm down? You go from daydreaming to worrying to remembering and back to daydreaming then worrying. . .vicious cycle.
My brain is just racing constantly (which is a good indicator of being alive of course but still); I wish sometimes it would just slow down and clear up a little.
Today I was trying to concentrate on my classes but at the same time had what seemed like 3 million other thoughts going on.

I already know I worry too much and I probably daydream too much as well. I've always said that I should write out all my daydreams (and other dreams too), put them together, and make it into a book.

Oh well, hopefully my brain will calm down a little and I'll be able to focus on all the work I need to do. Test tomorrow, big homework assignment due Wednesday....ick. Only 6 more weeks of school! Woohoo!

My weekend

So I ended up having more fun in the last two days than I did the whole week of spring break. And now I'm trying not to think of all the homework I need to get done before tomorrow. HA!

Saturday was a long day. My friend and I went to the zoo during the day. It was so much fun! I felt like a little kid. The day was so beautiful; I even got a little burn on my arms! (That still doesn't change the fact I am still white as a ghost)
It was also cool because my friend and I are both Bio majors so we were looking at everything through scientific eyes, discussing an animals habitat, adaptations, etc. It was so, so much fun! If I ever have kids the zoo is going to be my favorite place to take them. We saw a little gorilla baby and lion cub! Oh I'm getting so excited about it just writing about it! I decided that I'm going to give my bio lab students extra credit for going to the zoo. There were so many things at the zoo that we have studied this past semester; and it's just fun!

ok so after fun day at the zoo, I went home, got some stuff together and went to my friend's house to hang out. We got all glammed up and then. . . went dancing! Now I enjoy going out to a club from time to time but I really have to be in the right mood. Usually I'm just content chilling at home, watching a movie or having coffee with friends. But every once in awhile I need to cut loose. So last night I did. It was this fun club with 3 levels that played 70s, 80s, and 90s music (one decade for each floor). We hit all of them but mostly stayed in the 80s. It was so much fun! We danced to Madonna, Def Leppard, Bon Jovi, and countless others. They did play music on the 80s floor that I know came out in the 90s, but oh well. :) Of course, when I was on the 90s floor, all the songs reminded me of junior high and high school, including Salt-N-Pepa. Ah, adolescence...
Each level had its own bar and we kept going to the one on the 70s, the bartender was hot :)
I also did something I never do: I danced with a guy! He kinda reminded me of Vin Diesel. It was fun and I got a hug at the end of the night.
So I had fun just hanging out with friends and dancing to all my favorite songs, not caring what I looked like at all. I could never go out like that all the time; it's too exhausting. And expensive. And the whole club scene can be really crazy and dangerous really. . .people getting so drunk and going home with people they don't know. That's why I only go out with people I know won't do that kind of thing.

So that was last night...the night before I got to talk to a friend of mine I hadn't talked to in like 7 years. (thanks to myspace, I found him!) We talked for almost two hours I think. I've always looked up to him and admired him (now I admire him even more). And we both share a love for the movie White Christmas. How fun is that? It was really awesome to talk to him.

It's official

I'm addicted to myspace.com
I found a few people that I haven't talked in years! It's fun!

Pat Robertson

On the message board I am a member of, we are constantly, I admit, trashing Pat Robertson. It's a Christian board and most of us can't stand the image good old Pat portrays with his calls for assassinations and stuff like that. So I was thinking, "what is it that makes me so mad about him?" So here is something I posted about it:

Tonight I was flipping through the channels and I saw a picture of the high school teacher from CO who made the remarks about President Bush being like Hitler...so I stopped and it ended up being the 700 Club. Well against my better judgment I watched the segment and it was about the "brainwashing" that goes on in universities because of professors.
He interviewed a guy who wrote a book about the 100 most dangerous academics in America. They gave examples of a few who did sound pretty bad....but it was like a select few.

The whole thing with the high school teacher was just a bunch of crap. The kid who taped the lecture went straight to right-wing media outlets (instead of approaching the teacher or school administration) and no one heard anymore of the lecture except the part the conservative media wanted people to hear. Most people never heard anymore than 20 minutes of a 50 minute lecture.

I went to a Christian college that really challenged the things I believed. The professors there would be considered liberal. Even though it was hard, I would never want to go back to the things I believed when I was 18. I was harsh, judgemental, and close-minded. I see the education that I got as a good thing.

Near the end of the segment Pat Robertson was talking about how parents can't let their children be brainwashed by the left-wing, Liberal, Democrats. Because that's the only brainwashing that can occur! He then talked about his university (I hadn't heard of it before) and I was thinking "that's where the brainwashing is occuring."
People need to be taught to think for themselves and not insist on staying in the dark about things. (one of my biggest annoyances is people who still believe in a literal 6 day creation but that's a whole other story)

Then I realized why I have such a problem with Robertson. He has mixed politics with Christianity and as something my history prof said "it ruins both." Throughout history you can see examples of how the government or kingdom has corrupted the church and how the church has corrupted the government when they are too closely related.
I think America is a good country in that we have a system of government that does not give one person too much power. We have a system that will not allow us to have a dictator (as much as people may dislike a certain president he, and sometimes she, they will not be president for more than 8 years). Ok so maybe 10 because of the whole vice-pres thing. Anyway, and if the president causes too many problems he or she can be impeached.
We also have the freedom to criticize our government. This is good if it is done responsibly. Of course, there are people who take it to violent extremes and that is not good. But we are not a country like Iraq or Cuba or Nazi Germany where criticizing the government would mean death.
However, even though the system of government is essentially good, people are the ones who mess it up. They take advantage of the power they have for the time they have it. Our economic system is better than socialism or communism but people's greed can make it horrible.

So what does this have to do with Pat Robertson? Well, what bothers me is he combines politics with Christianity and not in a good way. I think Christians should be involved in government, we should vote, we should make opinions known. But when it turns to saying that anything that is not "Christian" and every idea that is against the republican party is anti-Christian then that is going too far. I am convinced that the basic principles of Christianity were ruined when it became the norm. When it became too involved in government (and the line is hard to draw) and Christians expected everything to be catered to thier beliefs, the faith was messed up. I wish Robertson would pay more attention to the care of God's people by encouraging them, by ministering to them instead of acting like Prez Bush is a god and anything that is not conservative Republican Christianity is straight from h e l l (take that censors!).
Cause guess what not all christians are republicans and not all republicans are christians.
I'd rather hear a liberal professor talking about Bush being like Hitler rather than some super conservative praising Bush.

I'm sick of prez Bush. I voted for him because I did not think Kerry could handle what was going on and thought Bush needed the chance to get things done. Instead it seems nothing has gotten done. He said at some point he doesn't think that soldiers will be out of Iraq until after 2008! I don't think we can just pull out but we need to get the damn job done. We've put so much money into the war that things in our country are suffering....
ok sorry, that was my political rant. I couldn't help it.

Ok so that is my as well thought out as I could make it reason that I don't like Pat Robertson. I'm sure some things he says or does are ok, but as I lean more and more to the left, he is just annoying the crap out of me.

Cancer

In the last year or so I've been made aware of just how many people are suffering from cancer. My best friend's mom died in August of lung cancer. My friend connected herself with people who had different types and caregivers through blogs and message boards. I started reading some of the blogs (well just 2 really), but through those have read a few posts about other people they know.
One woman is getting surgery for breast cancer this weekend. And another. . .she's my age and just lost her husband of 2 years to leukemia. I'd only been reading her blog for a few months and he had been in remission after having a bone marrow transplant. It came back and in only a matter of a few days, he died. I just can't fathom how hard, how shitty, how mind-blowingly-knock-you-on-your-ass fucking hard it is to go through the illness and also lose someone that is so close to you from it.
When I was back in IL, I stayed with a family whose little girl had leukemia when she was 3 and her 1 year old brother donated bone marrow. Now she's fine, as far as I know. That was the first time I had heard anything about someone who had cancer.
My dad's dad died of lung cancer before I was born. Other than that no one in my family has had cancer. We've been lucky. Other families aren't.

I've been thinking about cancer a lot lately especially in regards to my future profession. As wonderfully made our bodies are, there are so many things that go wrong. I've thought a lot about wanting to do lung cancer research, especially after hearing my friends thoughts about how its the least funded type of cancer research yet it kills the most people. A lot of people take the easy way out and say "well, people need to stop smoking, then they won't get it." I've realized that's crap. Lung cancer is the only type people get blamed for. One thing my friend said was that even if everyone stopped smoking today we'd still be dealing with lung cancer for decades to come. Yet, as people can see with Dana Reeves dying (and never a smoker), it can happen to anyone and if it isn't tobacco, it can be something else. There are not many chances for survival. I don't care what the reason is for someone getting cancer it sucks, and lung cancer sufferers deserve as much of a chance of surviving as breast cancer sufferers.
I've also thought about working with childhood cancer sufferers. How scary it must be to have to be in a hospital for days and months at a time, so little, not having any idea what is really going on. And for the parents. . .wanting to do something for their children but knowing they can't. They can't protect them.

I think as a doctor, it must be really hard. On one hand, people are looking to you for help and as a doctor you've been told you're the one with the power to heal. One the other, a doctor is only human and they can only do so much.

Apparently President Bush is proposing to reduce cancer funding in the next year. I don't know any more about it than what I read on LiveStrong
There is a place to e-mail your state representative (or print the letter to send) to let them know you do not support reduced funding.
I can't help but think that I'd rather there be money for cancer research rather than more money for the war in Iraq. But that's a whole other story. Of course maybe we can get rich people to give to cancer research and maybe even give the money they use for a "fundraiser" to help (it cracks me up they have to have a party or an auction or something to make giving thousands of dollars away more fun or worthwhile)

It seems that now I've been thinking about all this, I can't ignore it. And if I can be a doctor or even get a grad degree in cancer biology then maybe I can contribute something. I guess we'll see.

spring break

well this week is spring break. today i sat around doing nothing and didn't have to feel bad about it! I do have some studying and homework to do this week but mostly I need to work. I need to call the temp agency I worked through last summer to see if there's any chance of getting some work. I can make a whole lot more money than I would just working at the school.

I can already tell I'm bored though. I've already rented and watched two movies. I don't have a lot of money so I can't rent any more.
Maybe I . . .could go to the mountains, or read a book...or study my ass off for my embryo test that I was supposed to take before break but I didn't because of my teeth problem. I have no excuse to not do really well. We'll see.

Ok back to watching Office Space. It's funny.

Vicodin

I'm not sure if I mentioned it but I had a tooth that was bothering me very badly. It was a tooth I had a root canal in. It turned a funky color and there was a bump near my gum. . .so I had a dentist appt scheduled for Friday but by Wednesday morning it was a lot worse. My jaw was all swollen and I was in major pain. I called the office and asked if they could get me in right away and they could. The doctor only had to look at it for a second and was like, "that's gotta come out now." I had to go to another dentist right away to get it removed. For the most part it was ok, I could hande it but there were a few times I wanted to scream and just die right there.
I got a prescription for Vicodin. I took one yesterday afternoon and felt fine. It took the edge off the pain for a bit and I went and studied with a friend. Then last night I took 2 before bed. I felt that crap kick in and even though I was laying down I felt like I was going to fall over. I didn't sleep well either. Then this morning I made the mistake of taking one before class. I figured that one didn't really do much to me yesterday so I should be fine. I couldn't keep my eyes open. I felt like I was just going to pass out. So I went home and went to bed. I still feel kinda yucky. But now my tooth is starting to hurt again (or the gaping hole in my gum, rather). Oh well. I don't want to take anymore of that medicine. Of course, it would just knock me out and I could spend the day in bed. That would be fun. I've already missed school everyday this week except Monday. And one class this morning.
Oh and to top it all off, I'm probably going to end up losing two more teeth and wisdom teeth. Wonderful! I'll have to keep the Vicodin handy.

For the next year

So my landlord demanded that we let him know 2 months ahead of time if we're staying or going. It's irritating. I mean, we have no idea if we'd find something we like. . .
Truth be told I wouldn't mind staying if this place was better. I don't really want to move again but this house sucks. The bathroom is tiny, it needs painted, the microwave sucks. . .it does have a big backyard that I am thinking of asking if I can do something with. There's room to be able to plant some vegetables. ..or even flowers. Knowing the guy though, he'll be like "no, I like the crappy ugly overgrown crap in the backyard."
I don't like the neighborhood either. But I also can't afford to live by myself and there's no one else I'd want to live with. One roommate is definitely going to stay, the other one is still thinking about it, I think. I like my roommates. . .but I just wish this place was better. I feel like I pay a lot of money for something that isn't worth it. There are other places that cost the same that are better. . .oh well.

Maybe if I stay here this year I can get a better place next year.

Church

Tonight I went to church.
And I did something that surprised me.

I worshipped. I raised my voice and for just little while was able to leave my frustrations, my doubts, and my fears at the foot of the cross.
I even sang something to the affect of all my ambitions, my hopes, my plans I leave in Your hands. I don't usually sing songs unless I believe the words. I can't sing about trusting God unless I'm serious about it. Tonight I was, though. My ambitions, my hopes, and my plans...they're in God's hands.
I need a daily reminder of that. And I'm sure that occasionally (ok more than just occasionally) I will forget. But right now I know that some how, some way God will be there. I will be delivered. And maybe, just maybe he does have a plan for me. And maybe he does care.

I will be

Every once in awhile I get discouraged about what I want to do with my life.
But I always go back to being a doctor. I really want to be a doctor. And I want to work at a children's hospital with cancer patients and their families. I know it will be hard...not only to be a doctor in that setting but just getting into med school. I really want to though.
I need to spend the weekend studying and catching up on stuff.

I was talking to one of the guys in my bio lab and we were talking about what med school we wanted to go to and the specialty we wanted to go into. I started getting excited again.
Going to different med school websites and reading their medical magazines online help to. It's interesting to see what research they're doing.
I have some pretty high aspirations as far as the schools I'm interested in, but hey a girl can dream, can't see?

God-willing (that's so hard to say!) I will be a doctor.

4 Things

Four jobs I've had
1. photographer at a wal-mart portrait studio
2. cashier/cook at my old college student union
3. Sales associate at Dillards
4. various secretarial jobs

Four movies I would watch over and over again
1. Beauty Shop
2. When Harry Met Sally
3. Meet Me In St. Louis
4. Roman Holiday

Four places I've lived
1. several towns with my family in IL
2. college town in IL
3. by myself in IL
4. Colorado

Four TV shows I watch
1. Gilmore Girls
2. Grey's Anatomy
3. Sex & the City
4. Everwood

Four places I've vacationed
1. Outer Banks, NC
2. Utah (backpacking)
3. Florida (several times)
4. The south (Virgina, W. Virginia, Georgia, Mississippi, etc)

Four websites I visit daily
1. brennan manning's website
2. people.com (i'm a sucker for the photos)
3. msn.com
4. several blogs!

Four of my favorite foods
1. Pizza
2. Chipotle
3. Popcorn
4. sesame chicken from Talk of the Thai

Four places I'd like to be right now
1. In the mountains somewhere
2. New York City
3. Las Vegas
4. with close friends somewhere

Cartoon

Well this really isn't a cartoon necessarily but I thought it was cool:

Cartoon

It's by Bill Day entitled "The Forgotten Cartoon"

thinking, drinking, & talking

Well after my mini-pity party, I had some fun. Well on Friday anyway. Let's just say my roommates and I had fun. We watched movies, made pancakes and had some drinks. It was a lot of fun! And I think we're going to have another dinner party in the next couple of weeks. The last one we had was great.
I've been thinking a lot about different stuff. First there's the getting healthy part (discussed on my new blog) and just future stuff.
I graduate in May. I will have my Bachelor of Science degree in Biology. I want to go on to graduate school whether its med school, pharmacy school, or to get my Ph.D. so I can teach at the university level. Before I do that however, I have to pay off my credit cards. Which means at least two years working my ass off. Because it's more expensive to live out here than in IL, I've contemplated going back so I don't have to worry about paying rent. But then I'll be driving at least 30 minutes to get to work (thus a lot of gas) and jobs don't pay as well. Plus the more I think about it, even though things haven't been like I thought they would be (which I am not even sure what that was) I really want to stay here. I like having the mountains and the city.
I really hate that I have to put off my future but I am determined to do what it takes to get rid of the debt. The school loans don't bother me as much because I know that was more of an investment.
I hope everything will work out.
Friday night we were all talking about the goals we have, things we want to work on, etc. We also talked about the whole relationship and marriage thing. Even though I feel at times I'm surrounded by all these people that are younger than me & married and have kids, I feel like I'm at a point that I am really ok being single. There are a lot of things I want to do and work on before I get married. And I don't want to settle at all.

One of the things I need to work on is being ok with who I am. Here's some stuff I was thinking about:
I'm pretty. I know I'm not a skinny, perfect-skinned, obviously beautiful girl but I am pretty eyes, a good smile, and wonderful curves :) I am beginning to sound like a Dove commercial (campaign for beauty).
I like music, I like singing at the top of my lungs with my iPod. There are times when I miss singing so much that if I don't then I feel like I'm going to burst. So even if it's just in my truck, I sing.
I also like turning up the music when nobody's home and dance around the house. It's a good workout.
I know I've struggled with the life I have but there are parts that I am thankful for. I really do love my family and the friends I have. I wouldn't trade them for anything. And even though I feel so different from them and know my life will probably be a lot different I can appreciate where I've come from. I can appreciate it even though I want to be different.
I think I will turn out alright.

Mini-pity party

Ok so I need to have a mini-pity party.

I signed up on this website called facebook. . .a guy from my bio lab told me about it. It "connects" all different people from my school (and other schools). Going on this site reminds me of something: I have no friends. The only people I know are from my classes. We chat in class but I'm not really friends with them, in a kind of call and see if they want to do something way. I get along with my roommates but we don't "hang out" very often. My real friends are all over the place. IMing just doesn't always fulfill that need for fellowship and support.
I have times like yesterday that being by myself is absolutely wonderful but then every once in awhile when I see groups of friends hanging out, I can't help but wish I had a group. Granted, I don't wish for the people I had been hanging out with. There's no point in spending time with people who make you feel like shit about yourself.
But at the same time I wish I did have a friend or two around here.

Maybe someday I will.

Ok pity party over. To all my friends all over the place: I love you all and miss you a lot!

Eat, Drink, Be Healthy

Well as you can see I switched back to the format I had originally. I decided I liked it better.
However, I have started a new blog dedicated to my goal of being healthier.
Here it is: eat, drink, be healthy

Here I go! (but I'm still eating my godiva chocolate and the leftover pizza from yesterday!)

Happy Valentine's Day

Today I went to class, got my test back, found out I got an A-, worked for awhile, got Chipotle for lunch, did some homework, went to another class, then got Godiva chocolate, sang at the top of my lungs with my iPod, ordered a pizza, watched Gilmore Girls, and had a drink.

It was a good day.

Happy Valentine's Day!

The Olympics

Every 2 years I am taken to a new world full of victory, heartache, and wonder. I sit in front of my TV in awe of the jumps, spins, and the flips that lead to an emotional medal ceremony.
This year, it is the winter Olympics in Torino, Italy. Italia! The opening ceremonies are tonight. The different scenes of the Alps, the mountaintop fortresses, and the ancient cities are so beautiful. I want to go!
It wasn't until the games in Salt Lake City that I realized how much I liked the winter olympics. I've always loved the summer games. . .now I love watching downhill skiing, snowboarding, and of course, ice skating.
The next few weeks are going to be wonderful.
Go USA!

Fat Jeans

Over the weekend I had to do something that had the potential to become a very depressing event: I went jeans shopping.
I wouldn't need to go jeans shopping necessarily because I have more jeans now than I have ever had in my life. However, I finally had to come to grips with the fact that many of those numerous pairs of jeans no longer fit.
Everytime I put them on it results in a huge bulge of fat over the tops that no shirt, no matter how big, will never hide.
So I walked into Old Navy, went straight for the boot leg, waist just below my belly button, with a little stretch jeans. I picked up some that were the size I used to wear and a size larger. I could handle the size larger. . .if they didn't fit, I think I would've thrown a fit.
I went into the dressing room and prepared for the worst. As I figured, the size I used to wear fit everywhere but the waist and belly. They could be buttoned but the looming fat bulge was there. No two ways around it. So....while reciting to myself "size doesn't matter, all that matters is that they fit...size doesn't matter, all that matters is that they fit." I tried to imagine Clinton and Stacy from TLC's What Not To Wear telling me that with a frightened look in my eye. I did it! I put the size larger pair on and they fit! Ok so the legs are a little baggy but the waist fits and there is no fat bulge.
Now I must say that the Old Navy jeans I bought are nothing compared to the amazing jeans (albeit odd sized) that I bought at the Polo outlet over Christmas. Those are the most amazing jeans I have ever worn. I've noticed that when I wear the Old Navy jeans once they are stretched out to the point I have to hike them up to the point I feel like I'm wearing mom jeans. Oh well. Maybe that will be motivation to lose some weight so my pre-fat jeans will fit. (I don't want the fat jeans to ever feel nonfat!)
I was proud of myself though. No freaking out, just happy I have jeans that fit. And they really do look better than tight ones that don't.

Super Bowl + No party = Not a lot of fun

This is the first year in forever I haven't had or attended a super bowl party. The super bowl isn't quite as fun without it. The commercials aren't as fun either.
oh well

I haven't done any work today. I just can't make myself motivated to do anything. I sat here all day watching a Full House marathon (yes, you didn't read that wrong, I did mean to type that). Full House is fun. But yeah, I just sat and watched it all day. I have a test on Tuesday....and a test on Wednesday. Difficult ones. And I haven't studied. I may have time on Tuesday to study for the one on Wed. but I'm busy all day Monday. . .no time to study for Tuesday's test. I've tried to study off and on all day but it just doesn't work. It also doesn't help that our heat isn't working and so it's freakin cold in my house. The landlord's father bought us some space heaters but so far they aren't doing much. It also doesn't help that we can only plug in one at a time because they'll blow a fuse.

Guess I'll try to do some reading during the game. . don't want to miss the commercials!

What to write

So all week I've been trying to figure out something to write and just felt like I had nothing to write about. But at the same time I had everything to write.
My monday sucked except for part of lab when the cute guy from another lab had to come to mine (he's tall and has pretty blue eyes) and the adorable 20 year old in lab is fun too. He has a cute smile.
The rest of my week was better.

A group of 25-30 gay Christians are coming to my campus in April because they think we are breeding fear and hate on our campus. If you want to read about it go to the message board at Brennan Manning's website. It should be interesting.

I saw the movie Goodnight, and Good Luck tonight. It was good. The 50s were a crazy time...I think I'm going to find a book about the whole McCarthy thing...

I have a lot of studying to do this weekend.

tonight

So tonight I went to church. I had already been having a frustrating day. I needed to study. I have a test on Thursday and homework due on Wednesday. And some other stuff. Well I just didn't have the motivation. It was difficult to make myself sit still for very long. I got a little bit done. . .some stuff about the nucleus of a neuron. Big whoop.
So then I decided to go to church with my roommates. It's the church that I go to when I actually go. At first I wanted to go. I thought being able to worship would be good. God and I have been talking a little more lately. But right before I left I got all ansy anxious and restless. So then everything was pissing me off. Like iTunes taking forever to download a song.
(I have just realized that I use "so" a lot, oh well.)
By the time we actually got there and I saw that the praise choir was singing (which just changes the whole dynamic of the service...it gets very "mega-churchy") I didn't want to be there. I told God that. I told him very bluntly I wish I could get the fuck out of here. (normally I would apologize for my language but I'm tired of doing that, so I won't anymore)
I was on the verge of tears the whole time. the sermon was pretty good. The bulletin had excerpts of Les Miserables and the pastor showed clips of the movie. He compared Jean ValJean and Javert to Paul and Judas. Paul and Judas both betrayed Christ. Paul repented and accepted Christ's grace...Judas didn't and took his own life. Jean ValJean turned to God and accepted grace. Javert couldn't accept a life in which grace overruled the law and took his own life.
I feel like Judas. I see grace right in front of me, I feel like I've experienced it at one point but I'm still scared and unwilling to accept it.
So yes I was pretty much in tears. The kind of tears that would have choked me if I would have let them. But I couldn't. Not there. Not in that place. Not in front of my roomates.
I just wanted to get out of there. The little voice inside me was screaming to just fall down and weep but the other part of me said "no, it's too much, surrender is too scary."
I wish I could say that I came home and spent time in prayer and bible study and had some amazing God experience, but who the hell am I kidding? I popped some popcorn, made myself a drink and put on a movie.
And now here I am writing this, still not studying. Tomorrow I'll be stressed about what I didn't get done and what I have to finish in one day. Oh well.

Day 1

Today was day 1 of my blood type diet. In case you don't know what that is, it is a diet based on the theory that depending on your blood type, certain foods are beneficial or harmful for you. So I'm going to avoid all the "avoid" foods . . . I can't eat dairy (except a few kinds of cheese), any wheat products, and certain fruits (like oranges and tomatoes). I can only eat chicken and turkey. No beef, pork....I think it'll work out ok. I got soy milk to use in my oatmeal and soy creamer for my coffee. That's one thing, coffee is beneficial! woohoo! I can't drink black tea, but I can drink coffee. and red wine is beneficial; I'll have to take advantage of that one.
I have type A blood. I'm at higher risk for diabetes, heart disease, and other life-threatening illnesses. However, as a fellow type A friend put it, we're healthier than most people when it comes to everyday sicknesses. We don't get colds as often, or other things like that. For me it's true, I haven't been sick in years.
So I'll see how it goes. I may have to get decaf coffee to drink at night. I came home tonight and someone had turned off the heat! The temp was like 61! So I was freezing and needed something hot to drink. I can also drink green tea. I'll have to drink that more often.
Green tea, just fyi, is highly beneficial for everyone.

And today, my roommates and I went to look at an amazing apartment that is just minutes from downtown Denver and it's in this nationally registered historic building. It is absolutely gorgeous. All of us would love to move but I don't know if it'll be possible.. . .I figure I can dream though.

Something new

I decided to try a new template for my blog. Let me know what you think. I am not talented like some people who make all these custom-things. Oh well. :)

Today I helped a friend with Chemistry. I was so proud of myself! I actually knew what I was talking about!

I finally got to sleep after that night I couldn't. . .I won't complain that I got woken up at like 7 am though. hehehe I got more sleep after that.

Earlier today my roommates were talking about trusting God. . .and the more I listened the more I realized that I do not trust God. At all. Well maybe just a little, but not really. And I am very cynical sometimes.

I've read something from the Bible two nights in a row now. Even though I don't think it was God that did anything to make me not trust Him (it's just my own turning away), you know, like a friend would hurt me, I am going to have to be as careful and cautious trying to get back to having a relationship with him.
We'll see how it goes.

It is like 1 am and I can't sleep

So I'm writing instead. My mind just won't shut off this evening. And I keep hearing banging noises that I think are from downstairs that are kinda irritating.
So the first thing I got to thinking about was how yesterday I sat and watched TV from about 1 pm until 11:30 pm. That's a lot. It's so easy for me to just sit and do nothing. Today I sat from about 5 until 11:30...I went to work for the afternoon or I probably would've watched Tv again all day. I really need to do something about this. I don't like that it's so easy for me to just sit. I really need to be taking more time to study and read and I need to start doing some kind of aerobic activity. I really need to get out of the habit of just mindlessly staring at the TV. (I did buy Beautyshop today and watched that. it's hilarious!)
I admit though I really like watching my TV shows and movies. Movies will always be my favorite pastime.


I've been feeling better the past week or so. I actually started thinking about graduation and I felt hopeful. Even though I have to work for a awhile to pay off credit card bills, I feel hopeful that I will be able to do that and then go on to do something else. I have even been thinking about really pursuing going to school in NYC so I have the chance to live there. How awesome would that be? We'll see.

Even though I have felt better for a little while here, there is still that thought of "oh just wait a few days and you'll be back to your depressed self again." I know that I'll still get down and I have a long way to go to actually be content but I'm working on it. You know I know it sounds silly, but watching the movie Last Holiday actually helped me to start feeling better. I got to thinking about how much I worry and how seriously I take things; I want to be able to relax and be more carefree especially about the little things. It's a good movie. Funny, lighthearted, and it has a good message. My favorite is when Queen Latifah's character is talking to God. It's more of what I want for a relationship with God than everything else I've tried.

Earlier this week I put on my jeans that I got for christmas that fit me wonderfully and a pretty cream colored sweater along with my brown wedge-heeled loafers and some earrings.. . I did my hair and makeup and was like "no one else may think it, but I look good today." I felt good too. I know appearance doesn't matter as much as what's on the inside but when I feel like I look good, I just feel better than when I'm in a sweatshirt and tennis shoes.

I've talked off and on with some other people about the whole depression thing. It really is hard. I know for me I keep telling myself that I have no reason to be depressed but it is still hard. It's like this horrible, scary shadow of fear, loneliness, and anxiety that overtakes you. I admit that it really hasn't been as bad as about a year ago. It has been getting better. Hopefully it will continue to.

I really want to start focusing on getting to know Jesus and get past the religious part. I need to get past all of the religious American christianity that I dislike so much. In fact, I think I will go try to do something I haven't done in a really long time: open my Bible. And once I open it maybe I'll try to read something that is in it. Baby steps, people, baby steps. (there's a commercial like that. . .it's funny)

Brokeback Mountain

I saw Brokeback Mountain tonight.
It was really good. It was really intense.
There's so much I could say about it. . .
First of all, the direction, cinematography, and acting were all amazing. Heath Ledger was absolutely wonderful. He deserves all the recognition (i.e., award noms) he's getting. And the scenery! Oh my goodness, it was beautiful!
It was interesting to see how the characters related to one another and how they affected different people in their lives. It didn't matter that it was two men. It could have been anybody. Right or wrong, it could have been anybody.
I know a lot of people won't see it because they think of it as just the "gay cowboy" movie but it's really so much more than that.

I don't know what else to say; it was just really good.

Spa day

So I've been thinking of ways and things to do to make me feel better about myself. And I thought maybe taking time to pamper myself could be something. So I have decided to initiate spa day. Or at least my version of it that won't take an entire day but only an hour or so. I took a shower, deep conditioned my hair, shaved, exfoliated, slathered on lotion, painted my nails. . . and now I feel relaxed.
Now usually when I focus on myself too much that just makes me feel worse; I start to feel guilty. But I don't want to feel guilty about doing this. Because I know that if I start to feel better about myself, then I'll feel better equipped to do things for other people. I'm at a point where I feel that I don't have anything to give to others at all. And maybe if I do some pampering on the outside it'll help me want to feel good physically on the inside as well. Like drink more water, less soda (It'll probably help my skin a little), eat better, etc.

We'll see.

Driving

I wish I could quit driving. It always pisses me off. I either get mad at myself or mad at other people and yell explicitives constantly. But I guess not driving wouldn't really work; I need to get places. I just need to learn not to get mad when other people are stupid.

Anyway, I decided to drop Physics this semester. With all my other classes, I knew I wouldn't do well at all. So I decided to wait and take it another time when I can concentrate on it more.

So I have been trying to figure out how I can be more ok with myself. That seems to be the basis of a lot of my problems. I always seem to be reminded of getting made fun of, being ignored, and being told I wasn't good enough. That shit is so engrained in me that I don't know how to get past it. And now there's all this stuff that continues to plague me like feeling ugly, not smart enough, etc, etc, etc. Same old crap. It's really tiring.

I want to get past it though, somehow.

Mondays

Well it's official. Mondays are going to suck for the next 4 months. I will on campus from 9 in the morning to 9 at night. Oh what joy, what bliss.
I really hope I can keep a straight head this last semester. The last time I attempted to take 4 hard classes and work, I ended up on anti-depressants. I don't think that'll happen this time; I have a nice room to retreat to now. . I think I'll be fine. Just really freakin busy.
:)

One quarter of a century

Well today is it. My 25th birthday. It has been a good one, I can honestly say. I went to church this morning for the first time in months and enjoyed it for the most part. It's still hard for me to actually be there. I know it will be difficult for awhile. I'm going to try to keep going. Then after church I came home, had some lunch and went to a movie. I was going to go by myself but then my roommate came too. She didn't know it was my birthday today and I didn't want to be like "it's my birthday, you have to do something" but then she just out of the blue asked when it was and couldn't believe it was today and that i hadn't said anything. :) So we went to the movies and she's going to buy me dinner tonight.
We saw the movie Rumor Has It. I liked it, there were a couple of weird parts but that's hollywood for ya. It was interesting because the first thing the main character says is something about not knowing who she was. She was supposed to be about 33 I think. . .I don't want to be that old and still not like who I am. Or know who I am.
My friend Val brought up the fact that I need to come to a point where I can deal with myself before I can be content. I'm not sure how to do that. Another friend brought up making myself point out the positives. I'm thinking of going back to counseling too. I really shouldn't have stopped, I don't think. I think when it comes down to it, I don't like myself. I don't see myself as anyone who is worth anything. I mean even today, I didn't want to point out that it was birthday even though I know my roommate would genuinely want to celebrate with me. If I would have thought about it earlier I probably could've asked some people over and they would have loved to come. But. . .I just . . .I don't know.
I think I want to try to get to know God again, somehow. I want to get past all of my dislikes about american christianity and try to see who God really is.
I'm tired of being trapped in this little world of hating myself. It gets really hard.

Anyway, here's to being 25. . .I hope it turns out better than I think it will.

Thoughts

Ok just a warning this will probably be a downer of a post. I'm in a downer mood this evening and want to get some stuff out.
I just went to get some pizza and was thinking about this on the way there, in the store, and on the way back.
I'm going to be 25 on Sunday. One quarter of a century. My life has not been anything that I thought it would be. I always figured I'd be like my sister. She went to college, met someone, got married, had kids. . . it's not perfect, I know, but I get so envious of her sometimes. Her life just seems together.

I just have a hard time being happy with my life.
Sure I'm going to graduate from school this year (3 years later than originally planned) but thanks to my wonderful credit card use, I'm going to have to wait at least 2 years if not more before I actually go on with my career, which I feel like I'm just settling for because I can't do what I would love to do. I'm not even going to say what that is because it's just so out there. So instead I want to study medicine. Not a dishonorable profession but I'm afraid that with my gpa it will not become a reality for me.
You know what I really wish? I wish I could just be content. I wish I could joyful over all even though things aren't like I thought they'd be. I wish I thought that if something actually bad happened to me, I could actually handle it. I mean so much has happened to people lately: hurricanes, tornadoes, tsunami's, and deaths and none of it has happened to me. My life hasn't been that hard really. Yet I hate it. My life sucks. I have no hope for anything to ever go right.
I feel like such a. . . . not necessarily a screw up but kinda like that. I mean, why did I have to be the depressed one? The one that spends too much money? the one who is undisciplined, angry, and bitter?
After I graduate, I have to get a job. A job that will help me start paying off my credit cards. I need to pay them off before I even think about anything else. Plus student loans. I know, I know almost every college grad has to deal with that. But with the other bills to pay, I don't know how I'm going to handle it. I've thought about moving back to Illinois...I can live at my grandma's old house (meaning no rent to pay) and I'll be closer to my family but the thing is it scares me. I feel like if I go back I'll have to stay forever.
Colorado hasn't quite turned out like I thought it would. For the most part I like it but I just figured I'd end up happier. I don't even know what I expected.
I also thought maybe I'd be more on track with the whole God thing. I don't trust God at all. Anytime anything is mentioned about God, Jesus, or Christianity I just get squirmy. I don't like the small-minded conservative type of American Christianity that I see at my school, in my family, and so many people that I am around. Is there something else? Of course, at the same time I can't say that I like the super liberal Christianity that doesn't seem to believe anything too concrete at all.
So I don't know. I guess I'll just go to school and try to get by and try to ignore the unhappiness. Maybe one of these days I'll become numb to it.
Like I said, I know my life hasn't been too hard. I haven't had to deal with anything really major. Which makes me feel guilty for thinking my life sucks. oh well.

The states I have visited

create your own visited states map

now technically I've been to Arizona but only just enough to get to Las Vegas. . . . so I didn't include it. I may have also driven through South Carolina at some point but I don't remember.

New Year

I go back to CO on Wednesday. I have mixed feelings about it. I'll be glad to be back to my own place and I'm excited to start my last semester (I am actually graduating, I never thought I'd make it!) but on the other hand tonight after I left my sister's house I just cried and cried. I will miss my family so much. Tonight my parents, brother, grandparents, and sister's family got together for me and my neice and nephew's birthdays; it was great. After we ate, we played a game that the kids got. It's a kids game so they were all excited and just playful and outgoing.They've grown up so much! My neice is so sweet and fun (when she gets wound up, she is wound up big time) and my nephew is this little silly, kooky boy. So much time has passed. I was only 16 when my neice was born, my nephew was born two years later. I was only 12 when my sister and her husband started dating. Doesn't seem possible.
I know the new year is always a time to think back on the previous year and look ahead to the next. I don't know what will happen after I graduate but it looks like it will be better for me to stay in Colorado. I've really gone back and forth about it. I really want to try to have a better outlook on life this year.....I realized how pessimistic I've been lately and I really want to change that.
my brother wants his computer now so I'll write when I get back home.
Happy New Year!

Christmas

Well my time in the midwest has been nice. Mom and I went shopping almost everyday before Christmas (well not really but it felt like it). My sister and her family came over Christmas Eve to have lunch and open presents. My neice liked the scarf I made for her. I ended up undoing all of it (2 small yarn bunches worth) a week before so I could make it thinner. It was too wide for an almost 9 year old. But I do wish I had made it longer, but oh well. she said that with the yarn I have left I can make her a hat.
Christmas day we went to my grandparents' house. All of our extended family was there including my grandpa's brother and his wife. In all I think we had 23 people there! That's the most we've had in a long time. And my grandparents' house isn't very big. There was even a table set up in the living room; that was the first time in all my life I was allowed to eat in my grandmother's living room. :)
After we all open our presents we have a wrapping paper fight. It's a lot of fun.
Being around all of them got me to thinking about some things. My grandma mentioned how thankful we all should be. My cousin got in a pretty bad car wreck a few months ago. (i think it was during the summer) he hurt his back pretty badly, a lot of ribs, his thumb, and some other bones were broken. From the looks of him yesterday he has recovered pretty well. Something funny he said was how when he got thrown from the car, his shoes came off, his wallet came out of his pocket as well as his cell phone, but he was still holding his cigarette. He cracked up about that but did add that he got rid of it right away. how crazy is that?
My other cousin had her little boy, her live-in boyfriend, and his daughter were there. I could definitely tell the daughter feels very left out of the family. My cousin doesn't seem to treat her very well. . .and her dad although he has gotten better definitely likes paying more attention to his son. I watched her throughout the day and she definitely looked sad. I don't think she has any contact with her mom at all. I only see her once a year maybe so it's hard to feel like I know her at all. Plus she's only like 11; I don't do well with 11 year olds.
My family does have a lot to be thankful for really. To the point that thinking of some of my friends' families really makes my heart just ache. Well it makes my heart ache anyway. I have a few that have really faced some challenging things over the past year or so. I try to pray but the words seem so hollow and I've never been good at the encouraging bit. I hope they all know that I am always thinking of them anyway and know my heart goes out to them.
OH! and now I know how to quote stuff and creat a link! All of the little buttons at the stop of when you type an entry don't show up on my computer when I use safari (the mac web browser). I'm using my brother's computer and all this new stuff just pops up! ha!

I did it!!!!!!!!!

I got an A- in organic chemistry!!!!!!!!!!! And an A in lab!!!!!!!!! I am so freakin excited!!!!!! Woohooo!!!!!

Study, study, study

So, this week is finals week. I have my Physics and Organic Chemistry final tomorrow (Monday). I've done pretty good at studying. If I really just buckle down today I think I'll be fine. The physics final will be a little bit of a joke since we are allowed to use our notes. At this point, though, I really don't care. I really don't understand much of it; I just need a decent grade.
I leave Thursday to go home for the holidays. Mom and dad are picking me up then we're going to go to Chipotle. Dad loves the place! I've always joked that one of these days I was going to go buy a couple of burritosand take it on the plane with me for my parents. Now I don't have to if I fly to Indianapolis. There's one just a few miles from the airport!
One of my roommates got me wonderfully comfortable slippers for Christmas and a coffee mug with a J on it. I bought my other roommate a small box of Godiva chocolate. She literally squealed with delight. I bought some for family as well, but I may have to go back...I can think of a few other people who might enjoy some. :) Hell! I want some too, the truffles are SO good.

Do you ever have little things that just annoy the crap out of you? I do. (surprise, surprise) I need to vent them for a little bit here, maybe it'll help me let go....first, my roommates didn't want to buy trash bags after the ones I bought ran out because there were some left from the people who lived here before, a whole roll of them. Now these trash bags are smaller than we need for the trash can and thin and my roommates never (ok almost never) bother to empty the trash when it's full. because it's too small the edges always fall into the can and they just keep piling stuff on and never bother to fix it. It drives me nuts! I hate taking out the trash to begin with so I got into the habit of buying fairly sturdy bags with flaps that fit over the edge and they are easy to tie. That way I don't have to worry about the bag breaking or stuff falling out. Why am I the only one who wants to make this easy? I bought some trash bags and I would love to use them except I don't want to if they're never going to buy them. So I try to not let the little thin stupid trash bags bother me, but oh well. Today i couldn't resist, i put a good one in the trash can. Maybe someone will notice the difference.
And I don't understand making a cup of tea and then leaving the tea bag in the cup and putting it in the sink. Why can't they just throw the tea bag away?
I also don't like how they just throw dishes into the cupboard to where there's a big bowl on top of a little bowl. I am too used to my family who arranges things in an organized fashion in the cupboard. Big plates, then little plates. Big bowls, then little bowls. less risk of them all just collapsing! Oh and then where our pots and pans are: they take some out and then after they're clean they just throw them in on top of whatever's in there. So there's a little frying pan or a little lid carrying the weight of a huge pot. Again, I think I'm just used to my family's arranging things in an organized fashion.

Ok sorry to vent about these tiny, trivial things. I just needed to get them out.

Seven Things Tag

So today I got tagged by Val (sorry still don't how to make a link) and because I really don't want to do my organic homework I thought I'd give it a try. Here goes:
Seven Things Tag

Seven Things to do Before I Die:

1. Go to Europe (especially France, Italy, and England)
2. Go to New York City
3. Go whale watching (specifically for orcas)
4. Attend a fashion show
5. Take a really awesome picture
6. Go to South America
7. Donate money and work with some kind of relief/research/charity organization

Seven Things I cannot Do:

1. Speak a foreign language (I stole that one)
2. Ski (that should be above on what I want to do before I die, I do live in CO, after all!)
3. Understand Physics
4. Tap dance
5. Sing opera (not that I really want to)
6. Paint
7. Talk to single, available men (ha! I couldn't think of anything else)

Seven Things That Attract me to my Husband
I'll let you know in about 20 years......
But to switch it up for all my single and fabulous friends:

Seven Things I Love About Being Single

1. I can go just about anywhere I want, when I want
2. My money (what little of it there is) is all mine
3. I can go to the movies by myself (seriously I'm going to hate having to go to the movies with a boyfriend now that I'm so used to going by myself)
4. More time to study! woohoo!
5. Possibilities are endless for me right now without having to worry about someone else's plans
6. I can do just about whatever I want, when I want
7. um. . .I can't really think of anything else at this point. Basically no one else to worry about!

Seven Things I say Most Often:

1. Crap
2. Shit
3. Idiot
4. I hate physics
5. I want Chipotle
6. Stupid, freaking idiot (used mostly when driving)
7. Damn it

Seven Books or Series I Love:

1. Little House books by Laura Ingalls Wilder
2. Cast A Long Shadow by Ruth Childers Seamands
3. Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien
4. The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning
5. To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee
6. Face Forward by Kevyn Aucoin
7. and my new fav: Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen (even though I haven't finished yet)

Seven Movies I would watch over and over and over and...

1. White Christmas
2. Meet Me in St. Louis
3. Anchors Aweigh
4. While You Were Sleeping
5. Rent
6. Chicago
7. Guys and Dolls

Seven people to tag:
I don't know seven people who have blogs that haven't already been tagged just.....Kristi! Have at it!

Windy and stuck

90 mph winds were clocked in Golden today. Which is like 5 miles from here. 90....that's hurricane force winds. It sucks. It snowed here Friday night/Saturday morning, which is absolutely beautiful but now it is supposed to be super cold and windy.
AND today was the first my truck got stuck in the snow and I had to get pushed out day of the season! woohoo! (please recognize intense sarcasm here).
Oh well, I'd rather have Colorado winter weather than Illinois winter weather anyday. I'd much rather have snow than ice or a mixture thereof. It really is beautiful when it snows here. All the snow sticks to the trees and then the sun comes out and it's all shimmery and silvery. ok yes, Illinois does get snow...but there's just something different about it here that I love.

so here's to the snow, 20 degree temps, and hurricane-force winds! (I'm trying so hard to be optimistic and cheerful)

God

I don't know what to think about God. This week in chapel I sat there listening to Larry Crabb talking about prayer being a way to build our relationship with God (instead of being a give me, give me thing) and I sat there going "yeah, right." I have a hard time believing that God actually cares about me. I don't know how to have a relationship with God. I'm still convinced I will end up having a life that I hate if I really trust God. He knows that, I've told him that a million times. How do I get away from thinking that? There are things that I can't stand about Christianity and those things have influenced my idea of who God is. I'm not sure how to change that or if I want to.
I have never felt that I fit in the typical Christian atmosphere...but I don't feel comfortable in non-Christian circles either.
Oh! I don't know. I guess I'll figure it out sometime.

Ok, enough about God.
Yesterday I saw Pride and Prejudice. It is SO good. Now, I've never read the book (I started reading last night, so hopefully I'll get through) so I don't know how "true" it is to it, but nevertheless, I absolutely love it. It has a wonderful cast including the guy who plays Mr. Darcy. Oh! He's wonderful! At one point he's walking across the field with his long coat blowing in the wind and just the way he walks is so. . . manly and sexy. He's the definition of tall, dark, and handsome. I love the story. It was a real romantic story unlike a lot of the movies that come out nowadays (even though i like those too).

Only two more weeks of school then it's back to good old Illinois for a few weeks. I'm excited to see my family.

I know that there's no point in living in the past or having regrets but there are times that I really wish I could turn back time. I wish I could go back and be like 20 again. Then I would be able to change my decision to drop out of school. No matter how much I hated GC I really wish I would've stayed. Then I wouldn't be almost 25 and feel like my life is worth nothing. I feel so behind other people my age. I see fellow classmates and I'm jealous. I'm jealous that they are young and have more going for them than me. I wish I could go back at least 5 years and make everything change. I guess things may not have been different if I'd made other decisions...if I really could go back I'd want to go back all the way to my childhood. I would've been raised differently, I would have been a better-adjusted child, I would've been able to stand up for myself. I wouldn't be the angry, bitter person that I have become. I really hate my life right now. I hate that I still haven't finished school, I hate that my parents still have to help me financially, I hate that I'm so obsessed with having stuff that I have racked up a bunch of debt, I hate that no matter how hard I seem to try there is always something that seems to hold me back from doing things I want to do or being successful. I'm just. . .tired. Tired of being like I am. I want to change. I want things to be better. I want to have some kind of hope again. I want to live, not just go through the motions.
And where is God in all this hate and want? Who knows. I don't trust God. I don't see what God could actually provide. And what I figure he wants from me I don't feel like I can live up to.

I guess somehow I will just keep going.

Shopping

So today I went shopping with my roommate. It was so depressisng. I couldn't buy anything. I probably won't buy any Christmas gifts until I go home mainly so I don't have to take them with me on the plane. And the gifts I do get will all be as cheap as possible. I didn't even find anything that I'd get for anyone, everything I saw I want for myself. A new purse (or two), a zip-up cashmere hoodie, shoes, various beauty products, etc. I really want a new purse. But not just any purse, a Coach purse. Only $300 or $400. That's all.
There were a ton of clothes I saw that were so cute. But even if I could buy them, I couldn't fit into them. I hate being poor and fat.
The whole time I walking through the mall all I was thinking is how much I wanted to buy something and how much I hated that I couldn't. The only thing I bought was lunch. I wish I had money.

RENT

is AWESOME! Go see it, right now. Drop everything and go see it.
Ok, ok if you really have something pressing to do, hurry up, do it, and go!
:)
I need to go to NY and see it on Broadway.

So...

it's Thanksgiving break now. I made it through the week. I spent all last weekend studying. I did pretty well about sticking to my schedule. By Sunday night I was about ready to burst though. I had been studying Physics all day. I still didn't understand it. It was soo frustrating. I didn't do well on my test. I was so upset. I sat in class trying not to just burst into tears. I spent so much time on Physics that I didn't get to study chemistry as much as I wanted to so I probably didn't do very well on that test either. Figures, I try to be good and study and do crappy on both tests. Ah!
I still have a bunch of stuff to catch up on. So during break I'll be doing that.
I helped a friend of mine and her husband move yesterday. It was fun hanging out with them but I am so sore! They moved from a 3rd floor apartment to another 3rd floor apartment. Definitely got some exercise yesterday! I'm spending Thanksgiving with them. I'm going to make broccoli casserole and an apple pie. And we're having turkey of course. It should be fun. I'm looking forward to it even though I'd rather be with my family.

So I think my roommates pretty much hate me. Ok maybe not hate me, but I don't think they like me much. I'll come in and say hi and tell them something and they're just like "that's nice" but then they'll sit around and talk, talk, talk. They are in the same master's program so they do have more in common, I guess. But it's still hard. I feel so left out of things sometimes. I don't feel like I could ask them to do anything or hang out. I want to go see Rent on Wednesday when it comes out and my roommate wants to see it too, but I am afraid to ask if she wants to go together because I figure she has already made plans to see it with someone. So I'll just go alone. Speaking of movies, I saw Walk the Line yesterday. It was soooo good. I want to see it again. Of course everytime I see a movie like that it just makes me wish I could be a singer or an actress. Maybe if med school and grad school don't work out I'll just have to move to Nashville. Ha!

I wish I had my own place. That way I could see people only when I want to. And I don't have to be made to feel bad if I'm not keeping up with cleaning or if I want to watch something on TV. And the dishes will be placed in the cupboard properly.

Redemption

So, I have the chance to redeem myself from last weekend. First, my Physics test was postponed to Monday. Then my organic chem homework duedate was postponed to Monday. So while that means a crazy busy week, I have all weekend to make myself focus and study and get everything done. Which is good. So I'm glad. I have a study plan put together. I even have motivational sayings scheduled to pop up every few hours to maybe help keep me going. :) Cheesy huh?

I'm so determined to make sure I just plow through my homework this weekend. I've got to. I want to. I ended up being all motivated to get work done Monday night and I have been mostly throughout this week. So I hope it keep being that way. It will be.

I keep thinking about moving back to Illinois. How crazy is that? I mean I really like Colorado but sometimes I feel like there's nothing keeping me here. I have a few friends out here, but not really close ones. Even though I probably wouldn't live very close to my close friends in Illinois...I don't know. I'm afraid if I leave Colorado I'm going to regret it. It's so gorgeous out here and I like the weather (for the most part). How could I leave the mountains and the pretty snow (as opposed to flat, icy plains)? I really miss my family and friends though.
I need to decide. If I want to do further schooling out here then I need to get a Colorado license so I can get in-state tuition for University of Colorado. There's not really anywhere in IL I would want to go to school except maybe Chicago. . .and that would end up being just as expensive as living out here (and at least it's not so freakin windy and cold here).

Before I go crazy

I decided that before Physics drove me too much more crazy, I would write, since it's been awhile. Right now Physics is making me feel really dumb. I have 6 chapters of problems to do. Some of them are almost finished but I still have like 30 problems to do. Two chapters I haven't even been through yet. I try to read through the chapters but it's like it's in Japanese. I don't really understand anything. I also have to write up 10 labs for my lab notebook. I really don't know when that's going to get done. I can't wait until Thanksgiving. But I still have so much to do before then. Tests in all my classes, lots to read, essays to write.
It's days like these when I just think "how the hell do I expect to actually go to med school?" I know I have plenty of other options even if I don't. But I'm not ready to give up on that yet! I always start going towards some goal and then I give up. This is the first thing I've tried to do that I haven't given up on. I'm still a Bio major and I really enjoy it. But I always get caught up on something that just brings me down so much. This time its Physics. I find it so hard to sit down and concentrate. And then it's frustrating because I don't understand it and I don't know how to. I don't know how to study for it. I looked online for some study help but there's not much help.
It's so easy for me to just sit and do nothing for long periods of time. I came home Thursday and watched TV for like 8 hours. That's it. I didn't do anything else. And then Friday the same thing, even though I should've started homework.
I have no idea how to make myself actually get focused and do the work I need to. Even making a list and specifying when I'm going to do each thing doesn't work. I mean there are times when I can make myself focus and get things done, but it's not a constant. It's like I'll be able to concentrate in spurts. It's so frustrating.

Last night I started thinking about how in two months I will be 25. It's not like I thought it was going to be. I'm still in school, I'm alone, and my future is still as unclear as ever. I know things will work out the way they're supposed to but sometimes it's really hard to believe.

I really hope I get to go home for Christmas. It would really suck to be alone on Christmas.

I did it!!!

I got an A on my organic chemistry test!!!!!!! I really did!!!!! I was so excited.

My field trips were fun.

Tonight I am going out to dinner with a few other Bio majors and hte Provost of the university to discuss some things having to do with the science dept. There are some major improvements that need to be made. We need more professors, better labs, and more encouragement. Also a woman who is an MD and also a lawyer is going to be there for us to talk to and give us some advice. It should be fun! And the provost is paying! ;)

So apparently a student got attacked a few weeks ago. Almost no one knew about it. I was outraged. This is the kind of thing we should know about! I wrote an e-mail to the pres and his cabinet about how I was extremely upset of how the situation was handled. I think it makes people more fearful if they don't know what's going on.

Should be a good night! And this weekend I have a lot of homework to do! yayayyay!!!

Wine and dine

One of the women I live with spent some time in the Peace Corps and lived in Morocco. So, on Saturday she made Moroccan food and invited a bunch of people over.
At first I was like "oh great a bunch of people! ahhh!" But then people brought wine. . .we had 3 bottles and some sangria. And between about 10 people we drank it all. I guess that's not a huge deal. It was fun though. I didn't know any of the people but we all just talked and laughed.

I also went to a wedding this weekend. A friend I used to work with got married. It was fun until the dancing started. i like dancing but not in front of anyone. I dance in my living room when no one's home. I did today. I got home and danced around the house. It was fun. The wedding reminded me that I do want a relationship someday but I know I need to wait until I am ready and wait for the right person. I do admit, I wish it would be soon! :)

I get to go on two field trips tomorrow. Yes that's right, field trips. :) One to the Celestial Seasonings factory in Boulder and then one to an observatory. It should be fun.

I have so much schoolwork to do and catch up on. Ick! But I'll get it done somehow. I just need to sit down and do everything.

GRRRRRRRRRRRR

No world series for the cardinals this year.
They always mess up. They do so well and then they mess up.

not until the playoffs

As it says in the little "about me" section I love the St. Louis Cardinals. I really do. I never watch games though until the playoffs. Which I completely spaced on. until tonight! It's the NCLS and the Cards beat the Astros in game 1. Game 2 is tonight. bottom of the 3rd, Astros up 1-0.
The Cardinals deserve to win! It's their year! It has to be! What better way to close out the last season at Busch Stadium (which, btw, I'm still pissed about. I never got to go to a game this season) than winning the World Series? the stupid Red Sox had their moment now it's the Cardinals turn.
man, if they get into the World Series, I think I'd do just about anything to go to a game. How absolutely awesome would that be?

Undesirable

So the last few days a little part of me has been thinking about the fact that I just feel totally undesirable. I try not to worry about the fact that I don't have a boyfriend or any male friends around at all but sometimes it's hard. I haven't had a guy interested in me in about 4 years now. And it took me about lets see 3 of those years to get over that guy. I guess 4 years isn't a lot but. . .it feels like it. I'm going to be 25 soon. My closest friends are all married and finding the right guy is like the number 1 thing I want.
I am trying to focus on school. . .right now, it's my top priority and really I'm so busy I wouldn't have time for that kind of relationship. But I can't help but wish there was something going on in that department.
Like I said I try not to think about this. I try to be happy being single. But sometimes it's just hard. Am I really that bad? Around here I feel like the fattest, ugliest girl around. I'm surrounded by all these cute little blonde girls that all the guys flock too. It's sickening. Also, I really am surrounded by boys here. I'm an old woman around here. (apparently i don't look it. no one believes how old I am)

What's funny is I couldn't stand being around my roommates last year because they always said things like this. Another funny thing is I live with a 35 year old single woman who is so content being single it makes me sick. Around her I just feel like the stupid, fickle little girl.

Ok done now. I'll get back to being obsessed about organic chemistry.

A little better

Well my week started off kinda crappy but the last few days haven't been as bad. My classes today went smoothly and I feel a little more together. Together enough to be able to work on the homework I have this weekend. And I am determined to go out and have some fun this weekend even if it's just out to dinner. Or maybe I'll go see a movie. I was thinking of going hiking as well. I can't do all that though. Organic chemistry beckons!
I got to thinking again this week about how I still want to be a doctor. I just HAVE to push through the things that I feel hold me back and just do it. I have to believe I can do it.
Last night my roommate made a good observation. I was in my room listening to some music and I was singing along. My roommate said "you're not crying, so that's good." She's right! I could be in my room crying because i think my life sucks but instead I was jamming to some music and relieving some tension. It got me to a place where I can relax.

I have to start doing research for a paper I have to write. My topic is how Christians should respond to initiatives to legalize same-sex marriage. It's going to be difficult. But, there is definitely a lot of info out there! I got excited about it this afternoon after receiving the latest issue of Time. The cover story is about adolescent homosexuals. i started talking to my roommates about it. Here is what I'm thinking: If Christians are going to be so concerned with making sure gays can't get married because it's a supposedly "unhealthy" and "unnatural" relationship, then they need to look at the fact that the divorce rate among Christans is almost the same as among non-Christians. There is something wrong with how Christians view relationships and how churches are dealing with it. I don't necessarily think that same-sex marriage is what God intended for marriage but I also don't think God intended for heterosexual marriages to be abusive and messed up as a lot of them are these days. It's not about homo vs. hetero marriage. . .it's deeper than that. It's about the individual person and their sexuality and. . . .their humanness.
You also have to consider the definition of marriage. What is it? I don't really know. I see the marriages around me: my parents, my sister, and some of my friends. Is marriage just a human institution that is proved by a marriage certificate? Or is it something else? Is it a spiritual union that mirrors God's desired relationship with humans? Or what?
What is happening that people do not have healthy relationships? I know in my Christian upbringing I was never taught how to relate to men. I was told to not have sex. Big deal. What about everything else? I also wasn't taught to stand up for myself; I thought I always had to play the part of the submissive female.

There are so many parts of this. You have to look at the definition of marriage, how much Christians should get involved in public policy (how far do you go before it violates the 1st amendment), and how much freedom should be entitled to people.
It's difficult to determine. Although legally our nation isn't a Christian nation (as in it's our official religion), there is so much Christian influence because it's such a huge part of our history.
Are Christians demanding so much freedom for themselves that they forget our nation provides everyone should have those same freedoms?

Ok I could go on forever. I need to go to bed.

What am I doing?

So again I am asking myself what am I doing? More like what the f*&% am I doing? I started this school year being very motivated and excited about the classes I was taking. And little by little it has all fallen apart. And it's only been a little over a month! I have two full months left.
I didn't do very well on my physics test. It made me really mad. I know I didn't study as well as I needed to for it but the test itself was actually very simple. I don't like the way the points were assigned. There were 20 questions, each worth 5 points. Doesn't sound too bad right? Except that half the problems were true/false. So one true/false question was worth the same amount of points as a problem you had to work out. I just don't like that. If you miss too many t/f questions you're already screwed and there's still half the test left.
I just feel like. . . I can never do anything good enough. There is always something keeping me back from doing as well as I know I can. But it's like I'm just not willing to do it. But I want to. I want to be able to study and do really well in my classes. I want this education I'm getting to actually allow me to do something good with my life. This weekend when I volunteered at the hospital it made me say "yes, I want to do this." But so much is dependent on my grades that I don't think I'll be able to.
Why can't I focus? Why can't I manage to do the things I know I need to so I can be successful? Is this God trying to tell me I shouldn't be going into the medical field? Or is it just the same things that have plagued me since I was young that are going to get in my way no matter what I try to do? Are things from my childhood (always being "smarter" than the school required me to be, so I didn't have to try hard, never establishing good study habits, etc) always going to plague me?
What do I do? I want to finish this last year of school as strong as possible, med school or not. How can I change my behavior and my mindset?
I let things like this test grade get me down so much, it turns into a slippery slope (i did horrible on the test so I'll do horrible in the class and I'll never get into med school or anything else).
I hate thinking like that. I hate thinking my life is meaningless. I hate thinking that I don't want to live my life if it's always going to be this hard. I hate thinking that I am not good enough.

Big leap

So I did something yesterday. . .I cut up my credit cards. . .well except one for emergencies (and by emergencies I mean if I need $10 in gas because it's almost maxed out) and one that I hid away in case I need to use it for tuition and books next semester. It's scary. The only money I have now is what is in my bank account and it's not a lot. And even though my parents have been absolutely wonderful about helping me out it's been hard on them ever since they moved and my mom isn't working.
What am I going to do? Oh yeah find a freakin job. I hate job hunting. And I'm so picky. I don't want to work retail, I wouldn't mind trying a restaurant but there aren't many good ones around here. The problem is that I need something that I will make decent money. I'm not just some little high schooler who needs money so they can go to the movies.

So I realized the other day that i'm going to have to work after I graduate and pay off my credit cards before I think about continuing my education. I don't even know if I will mess with taking the MCAT right away because I don't know if I'll be able to afford the cost of applying to medical school. And with my bills I don't know if I'll be able to afford to even go right away because I wouldn't be able to work. Even if I don't go to med school I won't be able to go to grad school (maybe if I went somewhere here part-time, but not if I want to go to England) until I get some of my debt paid off.
The biggest thing is my credit cards. But what about my school loans? I was thinking that if I could still be taking 6 hours of classes (there are still classes I need to take before med or grad school) then I could avoid having to pay them off. But if I find something making enough money then maybe I could at least pay what I can until I do what's next.
oh this is stressful. But I'm going to do it. I need to. I HAVE to. Even if it means putting off things like new clothes, a car, and England. But I don't want to put them off for too long. ;-)

did I mention that before I cut up and put away my credit cards that I bought a jacket, undergarments, and some shirts? One last spree. :)

Link

Can someone tell me how to create a link?

Today my friend would have been mad at my genetics prof. check out her blog, it's good stuff: http://newwaylc.blogspot.com

thoughts of today

I started thinking yesterday how I want to move to a foreign country at some point. Probably not for very long, maybe just a couple of years, but at some point I want to. I have no idea how to go about doing that though. I even thought "what if I go somewhere after I graduate? I can take some time before I go to med school or grad school. . ." I should talk to one of my aunts. One lives in England (that is where I'm leaning towards, france or italy would be nice but that would be harder because I don't know anybody there and the language) and the other lives in the Dominican Republic. (I don't want to live there because of the hurricanes). Anyway I could talk to one of them about what I have to do. How cool would that be to pick up and move to a different country?
Which led me to thinking that maybe I should plan on taking some time off after I graduate. I wonder if I should so that I can work and get serious about paying off some of my credit cards before I think about continuing my schooling. But then that brings up the question, would I be able to find a good enough job that would pay enough to actually allow me to pay off my credit cards? And I'd be paying school loans too (maybe, I need to take a few more classes after I graduate so I may be able to put off paying the loans if I wanted to). I don't know. I do know that I hate being in debt and something has got to change. BIG time. It's my own fault, I know. I just need to be happy with not buying things. Right now the problem is that I don't have a job and so I'm having to use credit to buy necessities like gas and food. Next weekend I'll go fill out some applications. . .the past few weeks I've been studying like crazy for tests. I hate job hunting. Especially now because all the retail places will only be looking for holiday help and I need something more than that. Just part time but more than holiday. I don't want to work retail anyway because it's almost christmas and I hate working christmas.

This morning I read some of my book for one of my classes. It's called American Jesus by Stephen Prothero. It is about all of the forms Jesus has taken in the United States. The author is very clear that he's not trying to make a statement about who Jesus was or is (like calling him the messiah or something) but it's just to look back at how Americans have portrayed him throughout the years. It's a very good book. I highly recommend it. Today I read about Jesus the Rabbi. In the 20s and 30s, Jews in America started recognizing Jesus, as a Jew and as a prophet like Moses and Jeremiah. They weren't accepting Jesus as the Messiah but they were rejecting that he was a Jew. In the Middle Ages, Jews rejected Jesus completely especially because of the fact Christians constantly called them "Christ-killers." Which amazes me that people could be so well dumb. They just dwelled on that so much. I mean the whole point of Christianity was that Jesus died and was resurrected. And people still dwell on it today. Just look at when "The Passion" came out. There was even a church that posted on their billboard (or whatever the board is out in front of the church, i can't think of what it's called) some verse that said something about the Jews killing Jesus. I was just like "who the hell cares? You're missing the point."

Oh and this week in class (a gen ed all seniors are required to take) we talked basically about the point of Christianity. We talked about the Bible and how we read it. One thing that was said was, "The Resurrection helps us understand the Bible, just as telos helps us understand the Resurrection. The Resurrection is the context and fulfillment of the whole canon." Many times in Prothero's book (mentioned about) he talks about liberal Protestants who reject the idea that Christ was resurrected. Now even though I feel like I've moved away from my conservative Christian roots I can't go that far left. One thing that I thought during the lecture was "I've never doubted the resurrection or the significance of Jesus (at least not too much). I don't have a problem with saying Jesus died and rose again. I've had a problem with everything else." I've had a problem with the Bible and how much authority it has. I've had a problem with the teachings of Paul. I really wonder if the Christianity Paul wrote about is what Jesus really wanted. Did Jesus even want there to be a whole new religion? Do people have to accept Christianity in order to accept Jesus?
So even though I don't know about all that stuff, yet, I do know this, I believe that Jesus was the Messiah, that he died for the sins of the world, and was resurrected. And I do believe that without this there is no point to Christianity. Like my professor eluded to in his lecture, without the resurrection you may as well find a new religion. Buddhism and other religions are a lot more helpful if you just want to live a good life. I agree with him.

Here is the link to the PowerPoint presentation (I don't know how to actually make it a link. . .so you'll just have copy and paste): http://faculty.ccu.edu/jmallinson/ (if that doesn't take you directly to it, click on "classes" and then it's the first class listed (INT 402 - Monday powerpoint 9/19)

crazy blog

well I had wrote the "what to do with discouragement" post before the "discouragement" post but it wasn't showing up and the website said there was an error when I tried to post it. so now basically there's two of hte same post. oh well.

Discouragement

Well this has been the kind of week I expected to have. Things were going too well and I was feeling too happy and confident. I had my first organic chemistry test and I didn't do too well. It just really sucks because I feel like I'm actually understanding stuff but the test didn't reflect that.
So then I was just bummed. Everytime I do badly on something like this it just get me so down that I don't want to do anything. I try to tell myself I can do better next time and I still have time to improve but. . .it's still hard.
I also had a genetics test which I would've done well on except there were these two 15 point genetics problems, like with the punnet square stuff. It wasn't just mixing AaBb with AaBb either so I don't know how well I did. We've never done anything like them except for a homework assignment that we never went over or anything. I don't like when professors do that. This professor especially because he really doesn't know what he's doing. He's not a genetics person. But that is a whole different story.

And so this weekend I will be studying for another class that the prof doesn't know what he's doing. He knows physics but he doesn't know how to teach. It's pointless to go to class. oh well.

I always seem to write something when I'm in a bad mood. Really things haven't been too bad. I really need a job but I don't know how I'll squeeze that in. But I don't have a choice. It's just hard to find something good. With the exception of this week, school has been going pretty good.

what to do with discouragement

So today I got my organic chemistry test back. I got a 77. I was not happy. I feel like I'm actually understanding everything, I studied, I was really hopeful that I would do well. So for the rest of the day (including when a 3rd year med student came to talk to us) I was just discouraged and depressed and couldn't concentrate.
I feel like I am not successful at anything I try to do.
I just feel like no matter how hard I try, I am just going to be let down. Then I feel like everytime something like a bad test grade I get down enough that I can't do anything to get out of it.
I have a genetics test tomorrow and I haven't really studied. I can't. I just figure I don't have enough time to actually study to a point I will do well so what's the point? And that's what happens.
For the last few weeks I was hopeful that things were going well and I was optimistic that I was going to do well this semester. But now at least for today I'm totally discouraged. And probably will be again as soon as I take my genetics test and then I have a physics test next Wednesday!
How can I just learn to not be discouraged? And just deal with a bad grade in a healthy way? I don't know. I really don't.

always self-involved

ok so even that last post was all self-involved.

blahblahblah

fooey

i need to study now. what a great Sunday.

rambling thoughts

I didn't even realize what day it was until I got on the internet and saw something about a ceremony in New York in memory of Sept. 11. I don't believe that was 4 years ago. I know for people involved and who lost loved ones, it seems like an eternity.
And now there's hurricane Katrina. The devastation is so massive. The pictures I've seen look like they're from a war zone. I've read so much about it and watched the TV reports. . . .I wish I could do something. I don't have any money to give, I can't go there. So here I am stuck here just watching the TV reports and reading magazine articles.
With the memories of 9/11, the hurricane, and things that have happened to friends and their friends I just sit here and wonder "what am I doing?" I complain so much about the little annoying occurances in my life, I complain about everything that doesn't go my way and I don't feel like I am able to "be there" for anyone. I don't feel like I can do anything for anyone. I just feel like I'm so wrapped up in how crappy I think my life is that I have no perspective.
How am I supposed to be there for a friend who loses a parent?
How am I supposed to be there for a friend who is struggling with depression?
How am I supposed to be there for a friend who doesn't know what they're supposed to do with their life?
How am I supposed to be a sister and a daughter to a family who is so far away?
How am I supposed to deal with my life, knowing it is significant but still care about other people?

I don't know. I don't know at all.