Where's a gay tour of Tuscany when you need it?

I'm watching Under the Tuscan Sun. It always makes me want to go to Italy. Right now I'd do anything to be able to just pick up and go somewhere. At this point I just wish I had the money to go to Kansas City. I want to go to Nordstrom and get a pomegranate lemonade. Unfortunately I don't have enough money for gas.

As hard as I try to not be sad, it doesn't seem to work very well. Sometimes it does; sometimes I can get a glimpse of the person I was before all this happened. The person who was becoming more and more content, hopeful, and joyful. Then the realization that I am a stupid idiot comes back and I wonder if the person who was getting to be happy will ever come back again.
Everytime I wake up I am reminded of why I am here and what happened. And now the guilt has set in. Guilt over things I did wrong, including wanting to blame him for everything. I wanted to be able to be loving and gracious about the whole thing but I wasn't. I became angry and bitter. And worse of all, I have lost someone who for years was so important to me.

I need to find a new job. I got a call about the Walgreens job; they are going to keep looking for someone with pharmacy tech experience. They did say that if they don't find anyone they are going to call me first to see if I am still interested. I haven't been too seriously looking for a job...I need to but part of me is afraid that if I do find a good enough job (one that will pay me enough that I can pay off credit cards) it will be harder for me to leave. It would be dumb of me to leave a well-paying job if I did find one, even if it would be just something to hold me over until I can go back to school. I really don't think I want to stay here. I miss Denver. Of course, I have always wanted to live in NYC. Maybe if I do well enough on the MCAT I can pursue going to NYU. Who knows. I wish I could find something before the holidays; I'd have a better chance of not having to work on Thanksgiving and Christmas if I had a M-F office type job. One of my biggest fears right now is that I will have to spend Thanksgiving alone. Somehow I have to be able to go home for Christmas.

Right now all I can think of is the things I want that I can't have. I want to travel, but I can't. I want to buy a camera so I can take pictures, but I can't. I want to get the hell out of Kansas but I can't.

I also want to stop feeling sorry for myself but right now I can't. I want to be able to actually believe I have been forgiven for the mistakes I made in my relationship with Dave, for the anger I did not control very well, and believe God has some kind of plan for me. I am still trying my best to seek after God and hold on to this faith thing. I bought My Utmost for His Highest and Confessions of St. Augustine the other day. I am trying to read the Bible. And trying to pray. It's so hard. Especially because it seems the only thing I can pray is "why" and "help." I just keep trying to talk to Jesus. I end up in tears most of the time. I don't understand any of this still.

There's a line in a Jars of Clay song that I seem to keep repeating, "I won't give up on giving you a chance to blow my mind." I've been waiting around for the last 25 years believing God is real and is somehow capable of more than I can ask for or imagine but lately. . .it seems impossible. I guess I'll go on trying to believe something good is possible. I hope soon I won't be so sad. Only 8 more months until my lease is up and I can leave. And if my mom says a lot could happen between now and June I think I may scream.

Oh yeah baby

The Cardinals did it! They are going to the World Series! The last game was so exciting!!!! I had my eyes glued to my computer shouting "DON'T BLOW IT!" The Mets got a run in the first inning, then the Cardinals got one in the 2nd. Then no one scored until the Cards got 2 runs in the 9th. It was scary though; the Mets ended up with bases loaded and one of their best hitters up to bat. But he struck out! WOOHOO! My parents called during the bottom of the 9th so I got to share my excitment with my dad.

Ok so, they may not be able to beat Detroit but. . .I'm still so proud of them! They did it!!!!!!

Fun stuff

The musical Hairspray is here in Wichita for a few days. The cast and crew are staying at the hotel and we got free tickets from the company that presented the show! Originally I was supposed to work 3-11 but I went in early at 1 and then left early to go to the show!
It was SO good. It is so funny and the music is great; exciting and full of energy. I highly recommend it.

And the Cardinals won last night!!!!! One win away from the World Series! I hope they make it!

Walgreens

I had a job interview yesterday at Walgreens for a position as a pharmacy technician. The interview went well. I should hear about it in a couple of days. I will probably still work at the hotel; I won't be making too much more at the pharmacy than I am at the hotel. But it would be a good opportunity. Once I'm certified I can make a little more and once I get enough experience, I can work at a hospital. Plus when I can go back to school it'll look good that I've been doing something medical related.
I hope I get it.

I started thinking about taking the MCAT again. There's a test in January but that doesn't give me enough time to review so I'd take it in April. I just keep thinking I want to at least see how I can do. I think Grey's Anatomy is having a negative influence on me. . .keeps making me think I still want to be a doctor. ;-) Definitely don't want to be a surgeon though. Maybe a pediatrician...I've always wanted to work with children with cancer and other life-threatening illnesses.

I guess we'll see.

Go CARDS!

the cardinals are in the national league championship series against the mets. i'm sure many people thought the mets would just sweep the cards (they've done a lot better) but the cards won last night and are up 5-0 tonight! I really wish I could watch the games1 It's driving me nuts!!!!
If they go to the world series I may just have to go to a sports bar to watch the games. Somehow I'll watch them!

And try not to think about how if I was still dating Dave we'd be watching at his house.

GO CARDS!

Immediately after writing that last post I just feel stupid. I mean who cares that I had a relationship that didn't work out? A lot of worse things have happened; people have gone through a lot worse...see that's the logical part of me.

I mean yes it still sucks. And a lot of times the illogical part overrides the logical.

I'll work on it.

One part logic, 2 parts very illogic

I've always had a hard time being ok with my circumstances. Even though sometimes I can find some good in things most of the time I just sit and think of how much everything sucks.
This is no exception. The logical part of me is saying that I will be fine, I will make the best of this situation, and I will someday get to have the whole family thing.

However, the very illogical part of me is feeling like my life is a very bad country song. Or a romantic comedy (or drama maybe) without the happy ending. In other words, my life is what really happens. My life is the real life situation. Girl falls for boy, boy decides he doesn't want girl and then cuts her completely out and makes girl feel like the stupidest person in the world.

Right now I am feeling very helpless and hopeless. I can't get the kind of job I want until I can go back to school which I can't do until I get my credit cards paid off. Which I can't do while I'm making only $8 an hour. And unfortunately my hopeless feeling is making me very unmotivated to look for another job. Especially because I have no idea what kind of job I want.

I'm lonely. I miss him. I don't like sitting at my apartment alone watching (again) the 1st & 2nd seasons of grey's anatomy. And I may have to start gilmore girls all over again too. I miss going to his house, eating dinner with him and the kids and just being around. I miss watching movies with him and talking to him.

Except he couldn't handle me actually being around. It was fine when I was just on the phone, but actually having me around ruined his routine and he couldn't handle it. All the talk about how even when things weren't perfect, he would love me anyway was all crap.

I just feel like my whole life is messed up. I messed up. And here I am all alone trying to fix it. I am trying really hard to keep depending on God. I don't have anything else to depend on. Even when I'm basically yelling at him, I try to keep talking.
It's really hard to believe he's listening. The whole faith thing hasn't been too easy for a really really long time.

It's hard sitting back watching all my friends getting married, and having families, and having homes. They didn't mess up by dropping out of school, racking up a bunch of debt, and moving somewhere only to feel like the whole world just is laughing at them. I thought back in January & February that things were starting to get better. Dave coming along was just another good thing to happen.

I know I kept saying that no matter what happened I was glad to have him in my life again but I lied. I don't like this at all. I would have rather just stayed internet buddies with him. . .every once in awhile, just an e-mail saying hi and giving an update. But then there were a lot of good times...I don't know what I think.

I saw him today in traffic. I drove past him. I have the tendency to pay attention to minivans lately. . .and saw him. I wanted to call him but I couldn't. I can't. He doesn't want to talk to me. He doesn't want me at all. He just wants to pretend I don't exist.

I just wish I could stop crying.

this sucks.

missing birthdays

I've never been good at remembering birthdays. But today I remembered that there are four birthdays that I wanted so much to remember and now I will miss.
It's just a little thing but I'm going to miss the kids' birthdays. One is next month. The others are in January, Feburary, & March. And I will miss them. I had already been excited about buying presents and maybe even making a cake. But not now.

Overall I'm not doing too bad. I'm lonely. I think I like work just because it puts me around people so I don't go nuts being alone.

I still want to call him up but I'm getting better at talking myself out of it. I really want to talk to him this week because the radio station's shareathon is going on and it's a stressful week for him and I just want to make sure he's doing ok.

I wanted to call him when the cards won last night which means they are going to the national league championship. And I know I'm going to want to call him to talk about the games...they're playing the mets who did a lot better than them so I don't know how well the Cards will do.

Oh and in my attempt to replicate the pomegranate lemonade, I went to Panera, bought some lemonade and was going to add the juice BUT I couldn't find pomegranate juice anywhere! I went to three stores. Target had the POM pomegranate tea but not just the juice. Where is Whole Foods when you need it? I'll have to keep looking for somewhere that actually carries it around here. Kansas is a little behind on some things.

ok that's all, time for bed.

Fried mashed-potato cones

I forgot to write about the wonderful fried mashed-potato cones at the brewery where I ate last weekend. They were the best part! And they were just these little cones of fried mashed potatos seasoned somehow. . .not sure with what. But they were soooo good! I could've eaten a whole plate of them.

AND before I drove back to KS I stopped at Nordstrom in St. Louis. And at their little coffee shop they had pomegranate lemonade. Oh my gosh, it was one of the most wonderful things I have ever drank. I may have to try to replicate it.

And it's official. . .I HAVE to start eating better and working out. I have to. I'm tired of clothes not fitting me. I decided this when I went to try on bras. It's just frustrating. So I figure I'll go back to my blood-type diet and exercise somehow...it's still nice enough here I can go to the park and walk. My apartment complex also has a little workout room. Even if I just lose like 20 pounds I'll be happy. Plus I'll double my wardrobe. I have a bunch of clothes that are too small. Including a lot of winter stuff. So it would just be good all around for me. Plus I have too much potential to blow up since it seems like I just sit around a lot nowadays. I'll just take it slow and easy...I don't want to be obsessed about it. But I know that it'll be good for me. I will take better care of myself; and hopefully fit into some clothes I haven't fit in for awhile.

And plus. . .maybe it'll be a distraction. And for a little bit I'll forget about things.

Baseball, Beer, & Quilts

I had a good trip.

I treated myself to a hotel room on Friday night (complete with room service Saturday morning). I hung out with Kyle & Sarah; we went to a restaurant on Laclede's Landing in St. Louis. We ate these wontons filled with duck and sampled a few different kinds of beers that the restaurant brews. A few of them weren't too bad, but it was still beer. We walked around a little bit and went over to the arch. I like the arch.
The baseball game was fun. Mom and I had a good time. I bought a shirt and nachos. OH MY GOSH. I just realized I forgot the souvenir cup that I bought. Bummer. The game wasn't exciting until the 7th inning when Milwaukee got 2 runs. Then everyone was losing hope. The Cardinals kept getting on base but couldn't get any runs. Then in the 8th inning, we got 3! Woohoo! I was glad we won. Then mom and I went to Steak-N-Shake. I miss that place.

After craving mexican food for a few weeks, I finally got some. Mom and I went out to lunch. The restaurant was right next to the bar where Dave and I (and other people too) went after his sister's wedding reception. It's where we danced to Brown-Eyed Girl. It was fun. I smiled about it which made me happy. I don't want to remember things like that and only feel sad.

Oh! The Dairy Queen has frozen hot chocolates! I was so excited. I love them and most dairy queens don't have them anymore.

Then my mom decided that it was time for me to learn how to quilt. I have a quilt top made up of quilt blocks that women in my family made for the annual Pig Roast. I won the quilt but never actually made it. The top was put together so now I'm going to finish it. The blocks are from 1993. It only took 13 years to start. Better late than never. Maybe it won't take 13 years to finish. ;-)

I got my hair done before I left. It's dark. . .like Catherine Zeta-Jones dark. Definitely have the sultry brunette thing goin.

Driving so much alone gives you a lot of time to think. I thought about how over the last few months I have been very quick to want to blame Dave for a lot of stuff. Well, for everything. I made my own mistakes when it came to our relationship. I was being very unfair.

I am going to get more serious about finding a new job and get more serious about figuring out how to trust God with my life. I know it's going to be difficult but I have to. Things never seem to work out too well when I try to do things my own way.

Ok time to get ready for work. Ugh.

not missing you at all

So even though I feel like I'm doing better it doesn't change the fact that this still sucks. The one person I want desperately to talk to, I can't. The one person I want in my life isn't. And he wasn't in my life for a really long time. . .but then he was and now that he's not anymore, it really sucks. I didn't think I would lose him again. I miss him. I miss the kids. This just all sucks.

Anyway. . .I'm glad it's almost time for my trip. I'm working for a few hours tomorrow morning (6 am morning, ick) then driving. I'm excited. I have needed to get away from here for about a month and a half. I won't get away long enough.

After I get back though I have to be more serious about looking for a new job. I like the hotel. . .but it just doesn't pay enough.

I'll write about the trip when I get back.

a new day

I feel better. I'm tired from working 10+ hours a day the last two days but I'm going away for the weekend so I'm looking forward to that.

I went to church Sunday. And right up until I was leaving the parking lot of my apartment complex I wasn't sure where I was going. I ended up at Dave's church. I decided that, at least for that day, that I didn't have the energy to go to a totally foreign church hoping I might like it. I purposefully got there late so I could just slip in and not have to do the greeting part (still the most uncomfortable part of a service for me). I didn't see him except for when he sang a solo during the offering. And even then I didn't really look at him. It was good hearing him sing though; he did a really good job. He's gotten a lot better since his church camp days.
Anyway it was a good service. I'm glad I went. I was shaking the entire time almost but I am really glad I went. I needed it. I needed to be able to go, worship the way I wanted and be able to say to God that I was going to depend and trust in him. Cause I don't have anything else. It's just me and God now. I don't know if I'll continue to go to church there but I might just so I can get to a place where my life doesn't feel so upside down. The truth is though, I really like it there. It seems like the kind of church that could become my church, even if it is an AG church (it doesn't really seem like it most of the time, honestly). I've never really had a "my church" before. So we'll see.

This weekend I'm going to Illinois for a few days. Saturday I'm going with my mom to a Cardinals game. My dad was supposed to go but he ended up scheduling a wedding. I was disappointed. Going to a baseball game with my dad has always been one of my most wonderful childhood memories. But it's ok, there will be other times. Mom and I will have fun. She's been so great the last few weeks, just being there for me, I'm grateful that we'll have some time to spend together. I see so much of her in me. . .sometimes whether I like it or not. I'm a pretty strong mix of both of my parents actually. Anyway before the game I'm going to buy a Cards t-shirt cause I've never had one before. And depending on how much it costs, I'm going to see about getting a stuffed Fredbird at the Build-a-Bear workshop that is set up before the game! I saw a picture and it's adorable. I really hope they win. . .they've lost the last like 5 or 6 games. That would suck if the first game I go to in like 3 years they lose.

So. . .I feel like I'm doing better. Going to church helped. I'm really trying to do the whole depend on God thing. It's difficult, I've never been good at it. But here goes. The whole situation still sucks but I know I'll be fine. I'll make it.

Hurt

I am hurt. I hurt. The part of my brain that controls emotions is working overtime. Then the tears start flowing. I can't stop them.

The other day, the first season of 24 (Dave's favorite TV show) was on sale at Target. I almost bought it. That was going to be one of his Christmas presents.

This wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to be all alone here. I thought it was real. I really thought it was real.

I don't know what to do. I don't like being this way. I wish I wasn't.

I keep wondering why he doesn't want me. Why doesn't he love me? And if we weren't supposed to be together then why did this happen? Did I miss some huge sign?
I just don't understand. Everything seemed to fall into place...

And now. . he doesn't care. It isn't anything to him that I'm not in his life anymore. He can go on and be fine. And me? I'm stuck. I have thousands of dollars worth of credit card debt that I have no hope of being able to pay unless I get a really good job. And I can't go on to grad school until that happens. I don't have anything to look forward to. Right now everything seems hopeless. Ok maybe not completely hopeless. . I'm sure eventually I won't feel hopeless...but the thing is I miss him so much. And I still love him. And I HATE that I'm the one who is crying AGAIN. It took me 3 years to get over the last guy and that was almost nothing. What if it takes that long to get over him? And this was a lot more (at least it seemed like it). I mean, it was more. . .I think so anyway. . .see now I don't even know.

I went to the animal shelter today. There weren't any dogs, but there were a few adorable kittens. . .I can't decide if I want to go with getting a cat again or if I want to save my money for a yorkie. I really want a dog but they cost at the least $400 and at the most $2000.

it just hurts being here. I can't afford to move anywhere. I don't know what to do.

ok so. . .

ok maybe it's not fair of me to say he doesn't care. I don't know really if he does or not. Most likely, to some extent I'm sure he does. In fact I'm sure he does. . .

I don't think either of know what to think right now.

Oh my gosh

The seasons premiere of Grey's anatomy is TOMORROW. And I am going to miss it!!!! It just hit me! And I can't believe I'm going to miss it.

Wake me up when September ends

I love that Green Day song. It's perfect right now. Right now though I just wish it was June so I could leave Kansas.

I gave up living with some pretty good roommates, cable, internet, and rent lower than what I'm paying now along with a washer & dryer. I also had a chipotle nearby, TOTT, and New York & Company.

I have to miss the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy. And Gilmore Girls. I'm paying more for rent now, I have to pay to do my laundry, I have to find a good chinese place, and there is no New York & Company. There's no Whole Foods Market here either.

Right now that's all I can think of. I can only think of how much I gave up to be here. When I thought I was getting married (or at least in a long term relationship leading to that) it was all worth it. No cable? No big deal, Dave gets ABC through his antennae. I was going to get him hooked on Grey's. We were going to watch Gilmore Girls together.

He plays tennis at my apartment complex. MY apartment complex! And of course I ended up seeing him yesterday because I brilliantly decided to check my mail. Then I returned the drill I borrowed from him. I wanted to act all cool and content but I said a quick "here's the drill" and walked away. I couldn't even look at him. It's not fair. He was supposed to be playing tennis with me. It's not fair that I'm the one alone out here. Still crying. Still all turned upside down. AND HE'S FINE. He doesn't care that I"m not apart of his life anymore. HE DOESN"T CARE. I saw him yesterday and even though I had had a good day I fell apart. I couldn't keep the tears in. But him, oh no, it doesn't matter if he sees me. Doesn't faze him a bit. He can go on and be fine. It's not FAIR. This wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to get my heart broken AGAIN. I wasn't supposed to be left out in the cold, all alone, working at a stupid job that doesn't pay enough, having to find a place to go to church and find friends. AND I CAN'T. Even when Dave got divorced, he had friends here, he had his kids to keep him going, he had a church to go to and people to be there for him.
I don't have ANYTHING.

And the worst part of it is. . .I would do anything to have him back. I have to fight against myself everyday to not call him.

I can't wait until September is over. And October, November, and on through June.

This sucks. BIG TIME.

What a day

Yes I changed the name again (but aren't you glad I didn't change the address?). I realized that Little Studio is more of a tribute to the Little House books. And trust me, the studio is LITTLE. Ok, ok I know most are but I seriously need a bigger place. Of course, all 6 of Laura's family probably lived in a place smaller than this at some point. Whoa. . .

Anyway, today started off as a crying and wallowing day, then became a "I have to buy groceries and do all this normal life stuff" day, then I came home and ended up talking to my mom for awhile. It ended up being a good conversation...there have been times the last few weeks that she's gotten on my nerves but she's really been there for me over the last month. Oh yeah, and for the 25 years before that. Anyway...we talked and I ended up realizing a lot of stuff about my relationship with Dave. Dave was determined that I needed to have my own life here. And he was right I do need that. It always seemed though he expected it to happen instanteously or at least after only a few weeks. Well, as wonderful as that might be, it's unrealistic. Neither of us realized how hard it was going to be for me to move here. And it was and still is. I mean I am still learning how to get around. I really don't know my way around; I know the little ways to get to places I go. There was one time we went to this pizza place and for the life of me I would never have been able to tell anyone that it was right next to Wal-Mart. I figured it out a few weeks later. Anyway, what I needed was someone who was going to be understanding and supportive of the fact that it was going to take time to feel comfortable in a new place. He tried sometimes, but my way of settling in wasn't his way, I don't think. He wanted me to get out and meet people right away and that is something that takes me time to do. And when I was going to his church I had more of a chance of doing that. He was always insistent that I "get out of my comfort zone" and get to know people. But I was thinking the other day that none of the people I am friends is because I was anyone other than who I am. I didn't have to be someone I'm not. Somehow we met, we clicked and got to know each other. Heck the same thing happened with Dave. I didn't have to be someone I wasn't or get out of my comfort zone (the whole idea of the comfort zone thing is irritating anyway, it's like saying people who aren't super-outgoing and easy to get along with are lepers or something, but that's a whole other issue). Dave has a job that forces him to be outgoing, which is fine, but I can almost guarantee that the people he is closest with are the people who know that he is not always the outgoing people person he has to be a lot of the time.
I didn't have to be someone I wasn't with Dave until I got here. I was still the same person, I was just an unsettled and feeling somewhat in need of something familiar and comfortable me. He couldn't handle that. And to a certain extent I couldn't handle it either. I didn't like it. I can take care of myself, I know that but when I first got out here I needed someone who was going to be there for me even when I wasn't the strong independent woman. I just needed someone who understood how difficult it was. And he did try, I think, but I think we had different ideas of how that was to be done. He has very much of a problem-solver personality and feeling like there's nothing for him to do to fix the problem is hard on him.

Most of you that know me know that I am NOT the super-outgoing, perfect, perky Christian girl. And most of you really appreciate that about me. It seemed Dave appreciated that about me too. Even though, when I got here, I started getting a different impression. It was ok for me (sometimes) until I was around people he knew, until I was at his church. I have found out that I have a method of becoming comfortable in a new environment. I stick to myself and observe at first. I see how people interact. I observe what is going on. Then, slowly, I begin to open up. And it seems that naturally I start gravitating towards people who I become interested in spending time with. That started happening and then, of course, ended. I was disappointed. And in the time I started gravitating (ok I was still in the very beginning stages of gravitating) I realize that I was not trying to be anyone but myself. And unless they were just being nice, they seemed to think that was ok.

I don't like being fake. It's hard for me to put on a smiling face when I don't feel like smiling. And it's hard for me to be convinced I should smile whether I feel like it or not. That's just the way I am. I'd rather be real. Real about who I am, how I feel, and what I think. Right now I feel like crap. Depending on God isn't easy right now and I usually have to choke out the words "I will trust you" and it takes all the strength I have to do it. Yesterday I yelled at God. If I have learned anything over the last few years it's that I have to be honest with God. Even if it means being angry at him, I have to keep communicating. He knows that. He can handle that. No, breaking up and being in a new city isn't the end of the world but it is still hard. God knows that praying and reading my Bible is hard for me to do. In fact most of the time the Bible pisses me off. God knows that about me. And I know he'll help me work through it.

I know I can be hard to get along with and sometimes difficult. I can be selfish and lose my cool. But I also know that I am a very caring person, I love to do new things, I take joy in things that are familiar (like starbucks and reading the little house books for the zillionith time), I love doing things for people (even though I knew I didn't have to, I loved helping Dave around his house), I get excited about watching a baseball game, I get worked up and upset when I see someone getting treated unfairly, I think thunderstorms are beautiful, I love to sing, I feel a a twinge of motherly love still when I think of those four wonderful kids, I get irritated by people who drive stupid, I feel a wave of joy and at the same time, sadness when I think of my friend who is pregnant (more joy than sadness). I can be super sweet one minute and a bitch the next. And you know what? That's ok. I want the sweet times to out number the bitchy times but if I want to be bitchy I'll be bitchy. And this all is ok. It's all who makes me who I am. I am passionate and caring, sometimes ditzy and like a little child, full of wonder and excitement. I am a person who wants and deserves someone who is going to care about me through all my ups and downs, through the times I am weak and times I am strong, someone who is going to woo me with notes, e-mails, voice mails, & flowers (I have realized that getting a dozen roses from a man is something I really want someday). I deserve someone who will stand beside me, respect me, and who will make me feel loved and cared for. I thought Dave could be that...I hoped he could be, for awhile, to a certain extent he was...sometimes I kinda wish he still could be. But I have to hope that God is not going to leave me out in the cold with the whole marriage and family area. I desire that and if God really wants to give me the desires of my heart. . .then I have to keep believing it'll happen someday.

I'm still very sad about all this. I don't like that I have lost someone I had just gotten back. I don't like that it seems like it is so easy for him to forget about me completely, whether it is or not. I don't like that I am so alone out here. I wish I could see him. I wish I could get a hug from him. I wish I didn't think that I wish I never found him again. Or at least that I wish we didn't become so close. I hate that we never got to go to a baseball game together. I wish that hearing the first few chords of fishin in the dark last night didn't almost make me start crying. . .if I wasn't going into a gas station I probably would have. I want to be able to remember how much fun we had even if it didn't last very long. There are songs that I will never be able to listen to without thinking of him. I will never be able to check the score of a Cardinals game or watch one without thinking of him.

And of course, as long as I live in Kansas I will never be able to wake up without remembering why I moved out here. And how it didn't work. That part stinks because every morning I just want to cry and transport myself somewhere else. Oh well, hopefully that'll pass with time.

Ok time for a brownie.

One month

It has been one month.
I'm not doing too well right now, I must admit. I don't care about being strong or trying to be ok. If I stop to think too much I just start crying. Or I get angry.
I tried going to church today. I stayed about 15 minutes. I couldn't stand it. All I could think about was how I was supposed to be at a different church. I was supposed to be at with Dave or at my church in CO. I shouldn't be having to look for another one. I had found one. And then I decided to leave to be here. And then I had the hope of having a home church. With people around me that I could get to know and be friends with. And now that's all gone.

And quite honestly I have a very strong F#*& it attitude right now.

People keep saying that I'm lucky. I'm young, unattached and now I can do anything I want. I'm sorry but that's bullshit. I've been young and unattached for awhile now and I'm damn sick of it. And now what? Do I stay here? Do I go back to CO? Do I go to IL? (I really don't think I want to do that) Right now I'm broke. I have no money. I really can't afford to move. If I stay here, I may as well stay so I can go to school and get in-state tuition. But if I don't want to go to school here I need to go to CO so I can get in-state tuition there. If I have to wait a year to move then that puts me a year behind. Of course, with my job situation I need that year to make up for the credit cards I'm not able to pay off right now.

I can take the MCAT in January now that they've got the computer based test. That gives me a lot of time to review and study. Of course then I'd have to take physics. If I do nursing, I'm basically only going to get a second bachelor's degree although there are always nursing jobs everywhere. Physician's assistant is a two-year program and I do a lot of things doctors get to do & get paid better than nurses. There are three classes I'd have to take though.

All of this though. . .I don't care. I can try to go through my life being the modern career woman but really I don't care. I feel like the one thing I have always wanted was dangled in front of me then ripped away. And now here I am, alone, angry, and depressed. A state that I really really really didn't want to be in again, especially so soon after feeling like I was doing better. And that's the thing I was. I thought I was. Meeting Dave was a continuation of that happy thing. But no, why would I actually be able to be happy?

I don't know how to be ok here. Everyday I wake up I am reminded of how everything went wrong. How I gave up so much to be here and now I am all alone. I thought I had found someone I could spend the rest of my life with. Someone I could have a family with. Someone who would love me and be there for me. Someone I could love and be there for.

I was wrong. And it sucks. It hurts. It makes me never want to trust any man again. It makes me never want to trust how I feel about anyone again. How can I? I am always wrong. It always seems to be real. Then it is over. And I'm the one who is crying and alone.

I don't even think he cares about me at all.

I miss him.

Perspective

I wrote this yesterday but the internet messed up so it didn't get published and I lost what I wrote.

I have a hard time with perspective. I means who cares that I broke up with my boyfriend. A lot worse things have happened. I mean, two days was the 5 year anniversary of the World Trade Center/Pentagon attacks. A day that thousands of people have to remember as the most horrible day of their lives.
I have friends who have lost parents, and other important people in their lives. The only person I have lost was my 90 year old grandmother.
And breaking up with Dave is nothing compared to the fact that he's been divorced. I can't even imagine how hard that is and then having to raise 4 kids on top of that.

Yes, the fact that I moved adds to the difficulty of this break-up. And I have lost someone. Someone that means so much to me. And I lost 4 little people too. I don't like thinking that I wish that I never found him again or that I became friends with him. Unfortunately I kinda feel that way right now. I hope that doesn't last.

I bought Anchorman the other day. He loves that movie. One time, when I was still in CO, I watched it and we typed lines of the movie back and forth. It was fun. I can still watch the movie. And it just makes me smile. I'm glad of that. There are a few other things that I hope I can do, listen to, and watch someday without it being too hard.

At the end of the month I'm going to go to IL. I'm going to go to a Cardinals game with my dad. It's one of the things that I always remember doing with dad. What's funnny is Dave is going to at the same game. I really wanted to go to a game with him. That was one of the things we were going to do together.

I know I'll be ok...but it's just hard. Everything is messed up and upside down and confusing. I want something to look forward to. Right now I don't feel like I have anything. . .just the hope that my life will not always suck. Someday I'll be happy. I was happy for awhile...finding Dave added to the happiness. I thought that would continue longer than a few months. I'm tired of being so unhappy. And right now I just don't know how to try to be happy. Half of the time I feel like I'm going to explode. I am just so alone here. There I go again losing perspective. I'm healthy (I'm sure if i started drinking some water instead of soda all the time I'd be healthier), I have a job (even if it doesn't pay enough), I have a roof over my head, people who love me, etc, etc, etc.

The thing is though. . .the one person I want to love me, doesn't. And right now that seems to overshadow all the things that I'm supposed to look at and be thankful for.

Guess I'll still work on that perspective thing.

New church #1

For the first time since Dave & I broke up I didn't have to work on Sunday morning and so I got to wake up and pick a church to try. Any of you that know me, know that going to new churches is one of my least favorite things ever. Before I left my apartment I almost starting crying. Well I did start crying actually but stopped so I wouldn't mess up my makeup. But after church, however, the tears flowed freely. I tried a United Methodist church. It wasn't horrible...very traditional which I don't totally hate but I'm too much of a singer to want to go to a church that sings like 2 songs and then barely sings them. I like guitars and drums. I want them at church. I like pianos and organs too but I really want the guitars and drums. And not in the "this is the cool thing to do so we're going to try it whether we're good at it or not" or the super "mega-churchy" way.
I got home and was just thinking about how I had just gotten to the point where I liked going to church and I liked the church I went to in CO. I loved the music, the preaching, and taking communion every Sunday. I liked being able to go on Saturday night when the crowd was a little smaller and more informal.
And now here I am starting from scratch in like every aspect of my life including finding a church, once again, on my own.
I liked the idea of having someone to go to church with when I first got here. I liked the idea of having a church home. I was getting to the point where I liked going to Dave's church. I liked the people I met, I liked the preaching and if I sang loud enough I could shut out the music leader's annoying voice. No, going to an assemblies of God church wasn't my first choice necessarily but it wasn't as bad as ones I had been to. There wasn't a "only those who speak in tongues will inherit the earth" mentality. And after hearing how supportive the church had been of Dave and his situation it sounded like somewhere I would want to try. So now it's just frustrating having to find a new place. And I'm in a place that seems to either be super super Bible belt traditional or trying to break into the mega-church business. I already looked to see if there was an evangelical Presbyterian (the kind of church I went to in CO) church here but there's not.

Well I guess I'll find another church to try next Sunday.

new name, new look

So as you can see I changed the name of this blog and the look. The URL is the same though (to make it easy for you all). I figured it was time since I'm in a new stage of my life. A stage I'm really not enjoying right now. I'm staying alive by watching hours of Gilmore Girls, munching on parmesan garlic chips, and drinking dr. pepper. I really want to get back on the healthy water-drinking, blood-type diet track but right now it's not working too well. Oh well. Tomorrow I'm going to make myself at least go walking. Last time I tried playing tennis I killed my arm all over again. And my knees hurt.

So here's to my life on the prairie.

Happy & not-so-happy things

There are many wonderful things that make me happy and things that make me not-so-happy.

Let's start with the not-so-happy: realizing your ex is really a jerk. I had hints (especially after I got here) and some people mentioning things to that effect but I never really believed it until yesterday. He never bothered to call me when he found out that my truck was dead. I left two messages asking for his help. I was really hurt that he didn't even bother calling me back. I talked to him online and told him this...the best he could do was say that he called a few people to see if anyone could help me. I really wanted to be like "oh gee thanks that's wonderful, that makes me feel better" in the best possible sarcastic IM possible. I didn't. It was upsetting that the one person I thought I could count on to at least offer help (knowing that I don't have many people out here to call) is, in fact, someone I can't count on at all. He didn't care that I needed help at all. I didn't think he was that kind of person. So after that happened and after I talked to a trusted friend, I began to realize how selfish he was during the relationship and how selfish he continues to be. I'm still thinking through all of that.

Ok saying all that one of the things that makes me happy is knowing I don't need him at all. Turns out that my battery was dead in my truck. I got someone from the hotel to take me to and from work and jump my truck (which was the first step in figuring out what was wrong) and then got a ride to wal-mart to get a new battery and then changed it myself. It makes me happy that I can do things like that.

It also makes me happy to eat chocolate creme Oreos and milk. And to go to Krispy Kreme for donuts. The hot now sign wasn't on but then I walked in to find that there was hot donuts! I ordered two but then got an extra free one! Woohoo! So I got donuts, a bottle of milk (which I used for the oreos).

Oh! Oh! And it makes me happy when Target sells the DVDs of Gilmore Girls for under $20! I already had the first two seasons and so I bought seasons 3 and 4. I would have bought 5 but they were out. I'll have to go to the little Target.

I know I will be just find here. If I have to stay until my lease is up, ok but I know I'll be ok. Without the guy who did not, in fact, treat me well. He knew he didn't which is why we had to break up. At least I can be thankful for that.

And it just keeps getting better

Ok, ok, ok I know that compared to what other people have to go through, my life doesn't seem too horrible. But I also know there is no point in minimizing my feelings. They're a big deal to me.

My truck is dead. I just drove it like an hour ago and now it's dead. What's even better is I was supposed to go to work tonight. And of course the only person I know to call to see if I can get a ride is Dave and he didn't answer his phone. I don't even know if he's in town.

And of course it's a holiday so I can't rent a car. However I probably will tomorrow. I have to have a way to get to work. And hopefully Dave will be a friend and help me with my truck.

To be perfectly honest, I am not doing well. Right now I can handle the whole busted relationship thing but the being all alone out here and feeling so upside down and messed up I can't handle. And my truck doesn't help at all.

I hate being all whiny and miserable. Over the last year, I was getting over being miserable. . .I was hoping I could continue getting over it and be happy for awhile and maybe avoid the depression thing for awhile.

oh well.

I'm lonely.

I want someone to hang out with. And not just anyone.

I wonder if he even thinks about me or wonders about me.

Does he pick up his phone and think about calling me like I do? I doubt it.

I miss him.

Did I mention I'm lonely?

making this life work

I think the thing that makes this so hard is not necessarily losing him (even though that definitely does suck), is that I am so alone here. I uprooted my whole life. Right now it's hard even thinking that it was worth it. I mean is the whole thing about it is better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all really true? It doesn't feel like it. I mean the the relationship didn't even last 3 months. I just don't know if all this, falling in love, moving, all this hurt, was even worth it. I could've stayed in CO and been fine. I mean even if I would have found him again was it worth it to even get to know him and fall for him? I just don't know. No point in worrying about that now.

I had an actual good conversation with him the other day. I told him that even if I would've waited to move we might have been going through all this anyway, it would've just taken longer for the rose-colored glasses to come off. I still look back at everything and I don't think I would've done anything differently. I really really thought. . .

I've been good about trying to go to the park and walk and play tennis although it gets old playing by yourself. And I get frustrated when I can't even get the ball across the net. Oh well.
I treated myself to double stuff, chocolate creme Oreos...I realized it is fun to put milk in a martini glass to dunk the oreos.

I have to find a different job. The hotel just doesn't pay enough and it's not going to do me any good. I may try to stay there part-time. It would just mean some extra money for one thing.
I have to get serious about getting my life together out here. It means finding a well-paying job, deciding what to do about going to grad school, and stop depending on my parents for help. I hate that I still have to get money from them. I hate that I know I have paid $20,000 a year for an education that has led me to work for $8 an hour. Ok I know that is a little typical but still I don't want to do that. I have to find a better job and get this whole adult life in order.
I have to be ok. I have to find a life here. At least for now.

Right now there's only one reason for me to stay here and that's the reason I can't think of (getting back together with him). Since I'm here I may as well plan on possibly going to grad school here. I'd be able to get resident tuition. If I go somewhere else like back to Colorado I'd have to wait (to get in-state tuition) or pay an arm and a leg to go.

I realize there isn't anywhere I really want to live unless it's here with Dave someday or I want to go back to Colorado. Ok maybe I'd want to live in NYC but I could never afford to live there.

I think it's time for the park. My arm hurts from playing tennis so I think I may just have to walk.

Small

It is amazing how something so small can end up just making you fall apart all over again.
And that thing is the fact you are no longer at the top of someone's list on their stupid myspace profile. It was like getting punched. And just made me start crying again and feeling like I couldn't breathe.

I hate this. I hate feeling like I'm doing better but then I look around and I realize you are ALL ALONE. I moved to freakin Kansas for a relationship that didn't even last 3 months. And he is somehow ok. He's not wallowing or thinking about me. He doesn't have time. I do though. I have a lot of time to wallow. I have time to remember that I gave up mountains and TOTT (restaurant) and an awesome church to be with someone who now doesn't even want me. And I'm sitting here so alone just wishing I could hear his voice again. Wishing I could feel his arms around me again. Wishing I could hear him tell me he loves me.

This sucks.

Bored

Ok I really am doing better and feeling better about everything except right now I'm just really really really really bored.

I have TOO much time to just sit, be bored, and think. And I don't like it.

And right now the one thing I want to do is call him up and ask if he knows that the Cardinals are tied with the Cubs in the bottom of the 8th inning. There's no one else to be excited about the score of a baseball game with.

When we first started talking I told him that I'd probably never actually call him. . I'd be too nervous. I'd stare at my phone having an argument in my head about whether I should call him or not. That never happened until now.

I need to figure out how to occupy my time. It gets tiring watching episode after episode of Gilmore Girls and Friends. I went to work this morning at 6, finally left a little after 3, came home, took a nap and then just sat around doing nothing.

There's a lot of stuff I want to do. At some point I want to go to the Little House on the Prairie cabin. It's only like 125 miles away! That'll be exciting. I'd go tomorrow since I have the day off but I wouldn't have enough money for gas, so I'll have to wait on that one.

I do need to finish reading Pride & Prejudice and Lord of the Rings. . .and I haven't read my Little House books yet this year. I always try to get through those every year (I will never get tired of those books).
Maybe I should start trying to write one of my own.

I could start knitting a scarf for someone for Christmas. I have red yarn left over from one I started last year.

And I do need to clean my apartment. Maybe I'll get around to that tomorrow. And go play tennis again.

I know there are so many people who would love to have as much free time as I do right now. I'd do anything to have more to occupy my time.

Feeling better

I'm feeling a lot better. A LOT better. I realized that I had a really bad attitude about all this. I was behaving like something really bad had happened to cause Dave & I to break up. It had nothing to do with us not liking each other anymore or even us deciding we were totally wrong for each other. It is just a matter of it not being the right time for us to continue the relationship.
I also had the attitude that he was doing things to purposely make me mad which is also not the case. He still cares very deeply about me. We're both very disappointed about this. And we don't know what's going to happen.

Anyway so after I realized that I was having a very bad attitude about this I started feeling better. Work has been so fun. The last few days before work I went to the park and walked/ran(!) and played tennis. I made curtains (and hung them myself, yes that means I used a drill!) which I just realized one is longer than the other which is going to drive me nuts but not nuts enough to fix it. (ha!)

So yes, I am feeling better. I'm doing things to begin to feel at home here. I'm doing things on my own and living my own life. I know that it will take some time, but I think I will be ok here. I know I will be.

I talked to him today for a few minutes and it was a good conversation. We talked more like we had when we first met (well re-met). I know it'll take some time to be actually comfortable around each other but I think we could get to a point where we could be friends like we were before. We both still care about each other very much. We have too much history to just throw it all away.

So like I said I am doing a lot better. I feel like I'm starting to just have my own life here and more at peace with the situation.

Of course I still miss him, he's the first person I want to call when there's something I need to tell someone, and I miss his arms around me but I am feeling a lot better. I am starting to be happy. And it feels good. I was ok being single before I met him and I can go back to being ok again.

One of the things I love about living here is the thunderstorms. In Colorado, even with dark clouds and thunder there was no guarantee of rain. Here it's guaranteed. You can watch the clouds roll in, the thunder rumbling, and lightning flashing and know the rain is on its way. It's wonderful. I was so excited about last night's thunderstorm. It made me happy.

Seeing my curtains that I made on my own make me happy. Now if I can actually manage to get my apartment clean I will be really happy.

I wonder if anyone is on the tennis courts. . .

Unglued

I hate being this unglued. Yesterday was a bad day. I don't even want to talk about it but it was a bad day.
And it only kept getting worse.

I didn't expect this to be so hard. And it's only a break-up! I know eventually I'll be fine but I just don't understand why this has to be so hard.

Stupid

I just feel stupid. I know that really I'm not but I feel like it. And I feel stupid because I feel like I have no choice but to have an "everything's about me" attitude. I liked getting away from that for a little while. I liked being able to do things for someone. But now. . .
I forgot people's anniversaries...there are people who are going through a lot worse than I am and I just make them hear about my pathetic life. Ok, yes, they care and they want to know. They know I'm hurting and want to be here for me. I admit it has been nice to feel cared for even from miles and miles away.
I still just feel selfish sometimes about it.

He won't be reading this anymore...he said I deserve to have a place to express how I feel in the way I want. Which is true, I do deserve it. But the problem is I want him to read this. I don't know why but I do.

Oh well.

You know one thing I do like about Kansas is the fact it actually rains here. In CO it would cloud up, thunder, and maybe even lightning but it would maybe sprinkle or rain for about 5 seconds. This morning I woke up to a wonderful rain storm. I stood outside and enjoyed it for awhile and let my toes get wet.
I'm off work Saturday; I think I'm going to try to go to a nearby state park. There are supposed to be some hiking trails. I like hiking. Maybe getting some time alone in nature will be helpful.

I don't understand why all this has happened. Everyday I have to wake up and make the choice to still trust God and whatever the hell he has planned for me. I'm sick sometimes of not knowing. And it's very hard to be friends with him right now (as tracie said) but I'm still going to try. I tried to find a church with a Sunday evening service last night. It's so overwelming! There are so many freakin churches here. I don't know where to begin. It really stinks to be back at a place where I have to find a church again. . .I loved Lookout Mountain. And I really liked Dave's church, for the most part. And there are a few people there that I was excited about getting to know but now. . .I don't know if I'd be comfortable going.

Ok i really need to get ready for work. I can't wait for my day off tomorrow.

I didn't expect this

Yesterday I talked to Dave. He probably won't read this anymore which maybe isn't a bad thing. Something I wrote again made him upset. I still don't really understand why. I know he doesn't think I hate him...and I know he is upset about this. I also don't understand why he has talked to me the way he did. He sounded so angry and just like he couldn't stand me. I never meant anything that I've wrote to be hurtful or against him in anyway.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle this. I feel like there's some things we should talk about. I told him that but. . .he hasn't responded. I told him that I would stop bothering him. It just hurts so much to think that he would ignore me especially after he has said things that makes me believe he still wants to be my friend. I guess maybe I just overthink everything. So I'll just chill. . .leave it alone. Leave him alone until he's ready to talk.

It's just so hard to love someone so much and be so afraid to talk to them.

I feel like I'm doing better. Work has been good the last few days. I actually like working there I just don't make enough money. Tonight I went to the movies and saw Little Miss Sunshine. It was a movie at the Sundance Film Festival last year. It's wonderful! I highly recommend it! It's hilarious, off-the-wall, touching, and just great.

I know I'll be ok. I am still trying to figure all this out. Figure out what my life is now. I told my mom to stop telling me that she is sure we'll end up together. I can't think like that. Whatever promise she feels God has made to her, the same one hasn't been made to me. If it doesn't happen and I sat here believing it then it would just hurt so much more.

It sucks to know that it's not normal to talk to someone that you talked to everyday over the last few months. It's hard to think that anyone else could be as perfect for me than him. It's hard to not want to just always keep the picture of us on my desktop. I took it off but put it back on . . . I guess that's weird huh? I'm just not ready to get rid of it yet.

Tonight he got online and off real fast. .. it's hard not to think it was because he didn't want to have to talk to me. Especially when it says on myspace that he's online. But like I said I'm just going to leave him alone. If he wants to talk to me, then ok that will be fine. If not, then I am not going to bother him. I'll continue to pray for him and hope he's doing ok.

That's another thing I never got to do with him. Pray with him. We never once prayed together. I thought about that a week or so ago and decided I wanted to the next chance I got. . .I just never got another chance.

I miss my friend.

back to wallowing

Ok so I was doing fine until I tried to go to bed. Then I realized that today is the first time in just under 5 months that I haven't talked to him. Now the tears won't stop. Only 5 months. That's it. It only took 5 months for this to start, flourish, and fall apart.
I hate that I haven't heard his voice or seen his name on my buddy list today. I hate that I have no idea how his day went. I wish I could call him to say hi and see how he is today. But I can't. I'm afraid to. Even though I'm sure he's asleep by now what if he isn't? What if he answers and he sounds annoyed that it's me on the other end?
I keep remembering all the things we did together and the things we wanted to but never got to. I never got to dance with him again. I never got to go to a baseball game with him. I never got to go for walk with him after I got here. I never got to read to him like he said I could. I miss his arms around me and the look he had when he seemed so in love with me. I saw that look one time in the last. . .I don't know maybe 3 weeks, almost a week ago.

I miss him so much. The one person I want to talk to, be near, and cry on the shoulder of is the one person I can't.

Ok I'll try to go to bed now. I guess I should just get used to crying myself to sleep. I'm sure it'll be a normal thing for awhile.

Mexican food & margaritas

I have the tendency to want to make all my feelings public except to the person that it probably matters the most. I posted something yesterday but deleted b/c it ended up being more hurtful to Dave than I had intended (not necessarily what I wrote but the fact I was so willing to be public about it). Interestingly enough he ended up reading it before I could delete it anyway. Unlike he keeps saying I don't hate him. I can't even if I wanted to. He didn't do anything to hurt me except realize he wasn't ready for a relationship. We both had been so excited and so sure that the fact that we've broken up is hurting both of us.

Wednesday I was devastated and wallowing. Yesterday I was pissed. I was angry. Today has been a little better. There were a few times while driving back from the airport I almost started crying but later, especially after finding out I was still being considered for the job I interviewed for, I started feeling better. If I find a good enough job it would be easier for me to stay here. I still want to go somewhere for at least a few days. I wish I could go visit Val but I guess if I couldn't then I could go to Illinois.

So I knew eventually I'd go to the liquor store and get something to drink. I haven't drank since I've been here. I wanted to wait until I wasn't crying as much though. So, since today was a better day, tonight was mexican food & margarita night. So far I've had a couple of shots and just one margarita. And it's only like 5:30! I'll slow down and have another drink later. Good thing I don't have to be at work until 3 tomorrow! I'm also enjoying a movie, Grease. I wish I could be in a musical. If I was in Grease I'd want to be Rizzo cause she's so different than I am. Playing Sandy would be too easy. Ok so maybe given the fact that I've downed two tequila shots so far I'm not that different than Rizzo. HA! ;)

Tonight his radio station was hosting a Chris Rice concert before the AA baseball team's game. I had actually been looking forward to it all summer since I heard about it. I like Chris Rice. I'm a little sad that I have to miss out on it. Even if he said I still could come I'm not sure I would want to. I'd be there alone and I don't know how I'd handle seeing him. I talked to him yesterday and that was hard enough.

I miss him.

I wanted to write more yesterday but I just couldn't. And now I am up early enough that I figured I'd sit down and get some stuff out before I have to go to work and make myself stop crying.
This sucks. This really sucks. My whole life has just been turned upside down and I have no idea how to make it right side up again. I am all alone out here. I thought maybe in time I'd get used to living here and grow to like it; that was when I had a reason to be here. Now there's nothing. The one person I know is the one person I can't talk to anymore. My one friend I had is the reason I am so upside down now.
So there's no one. Val invited me to come to visit her sometime. I may try to do that. I just feel so stuck here! I signed a freakin year lease for my apartment and now I'm stuck. I feel more stuck here than I did in Colorado. Except I'd do anything to be back there now. How crazy is that? I mean everything seemed to fall into place for me to move here and then I got here and then the shit hit the fan and it was all over it seemed before we could even catch our breath.
I hate this. I hate that here I am barely able to keep from crying, I'm devastated, I'm more alone now than I have felt in a really long time and he. . .he feels bad. He feels bad that he hurt little old Jodie. The little girl from camp.

He said he just wasn't ready for a relationship like he thought he was. I know he's been through a lot; I'm not diminishing what he's been through but it still really sucks.

And it's hard not to just be angry at myself for thinking something good was actually happening. I just feel so stupid. And now here I am stuck in Kansas. I'm starting completely from scratch and I have no idea how. I can't believe my mom when she says she still thinks we're meant to be together. I can't. I've done that before and it just hurts all the more when you know it really won't happen.

I can't believe this is happening. Funny, I said the same thing when it started.

Not much else to say except. . .

it's over.

Mediocre

I feel very mediocre today. I took the assessment tests for the job I interviewed for. I don't think I did very well. I've taken those kind of tests before but. . .these were more difficult and different than what I was used to. So I don't know how well I did.

Oh well. I guess I'll just stick with being at the hotel and get a part-time job as a waitress or something. I'm going to have to if I stay at the hotel. oh well.

I guess I'll keep looking. I feel like I'm too qualified for the job I have now but not qualified enough for jobs that would pay me what I need.

A little tidbit of news

So I wonder what would be cheaper. Getting internet at my apartment or continuing to come to Panera. . .it's free but I always get something to eat or drink...hmmmm.....

The place I went to for an interview called me back to set up a time for me to take some tests. I have to test for Word, Excel, and typing. And some personality test or something. Yikes! That could be scary! HA!

I hope I can do well. This job would be a lot better than what I'm doing now. Working at the hotel isn't that bad really; I kinda like it, I just need to earn more money. And it would be nice to have a more normal schedule. I went in at 3 pm yesterday and was supposed to leave at 11 but didn't leave until after midnight. At least I got to take a dinner break. I've only been able to do that a couple of times. I never count on getting a lunch break or leaving when I'm supposed to. In fact I'm shocked when it happens.

I am (slowly) settling into life here. The other day I realized I was having the wrong attitude. I was telling myself that my life was on hold until I got more settled here. But I can't think like that. I mean, this is my life. It's happening. I can't have the attitude that I'll start living when I feel more at home. I had that attitude for so many years and I missed out on too much.

It's hard though.. ..I mean there are only so many times you can go shopping by yourself without buying something (and that's something I have to stay away from). And I don't have cable or internet so I've been watching Grey's Anatomy and Gilmore Girls on DVD. Except I only have one season of each of those so I'm getting through them pretty quick. I have to figure out more ways to occupy my time. Oh well I'll get there eventually.

I'll write about the job when I find out something. If I don't get it I'll just keep looking. If I stay at the hotel I'd have to get a second job. If I get this other job I may see if I could stay at the hotel just PT and work a few evenings or something.Who knows.

Ok bye!

So many thoughts

I have so many thoughts running around in my head that I don't know how to get them all out. And unfortunately my internet access is sketchy. . .today I'm at Panera (it's right down the road, score!!!!) but I can't come here too often or I will have no money.

Ok so the basics: I'm working at the hotel and the last two days have been the main shuttle van driver during my shift which means I get tips! Woohoo! I averaged about $20 a day the last two days. Woohoo! That means I have money for a few necessities and some bills as well.

I have an interview tomorrow at a dental insurance company. It's a sales assistant (mostly all administrative work) position and I'd get the kind of money I need which would be GREAT. So we'll see about that. Even though the hotel hasn't been that bad it doesn't pay enough and I'd love to avoid having to get two jobs.

Working has helped me feel better about being here. I didn't feel like myself (Dave definitely noticed) and just felt uneasy about everything. And I was being super clingy and needy because I don't really have my own life here yet. But, now, I'm feeling more settled and gaining back my independence. I'm not going to be hanging out at Dave's as much anymore. It was getting hard on both of us because on one hand we were really comfortable but at the same time our relationship is new enough we were missing out on dating each other and continuing to let our relationship grow.
It's hard though, because neither of us know how really! Neither of us have had too much experience with actually dating someone and having a good healthy relationship. So we're going to try not seeing each other as much which will mean we have to be diligent about making plans to get together and just enjoy dating one another instead of playing house.

And even though I'm ok with Dave's kids, I was starting to realize how much time it's going to take me for me to actually be ok with being a mom right away. I have a lot to learn. They're great kids. . .they surprise me a lot. Jonathan is adorable and as much as Dave probably hates that I do, I love picking him up and giving him a big hug or carrying him somewhere. It's hard to resist his big adorable eyes looking up and saying "I want you." A few days ago, Josh and I pretended we were laying underneath the stars and saw shooting stars and made wishes. Every couple of wishes, the wish would be for a hug or kiss, which the other would happily oblige. Katie has come over to my apartment to spend the night and we just have fun watching movies and getting away from the crazy boys and having girl time. And Caleb. . .well. . .he really is a great kid but life has dealt him a lot of crap early on that he'll be dealing with for a long time. Every once in awhile he'll surprise me and give me a hug.

I think no matter what happens, I'll be happy here. I'm glad I moved and have this chance.

I even like the AG church Dave goes to. It's not too bad. Sometimes on the verge of being too charasmatic for my taste but I like the pastor's sermons and I've met some people that I think I'd like to hang out with. In fact I get to go play tennis with Dave and another girl from church tonight.

Which means I must go now.

Write more soon.

Short update

I don't know how long the internet will actually work (just picking up on a wireless signal; most of the time it doesn't work) but I just wanted to give you all an update.
I got a job. It's at a hotel downtown and I started this week. It's not too bad; not that great either really. I'm still going to be looking for something better.

I'm glad I'm working now though.

So that's the update; everything else is going pretty good. Dave and I are still figuring out what our relationship is going to look like now that we're actually around each other now. Sometimes it's hard to figure out. But we're getting there. Me having my own life out here is going to help a lot and me having a job will help me have a life here.

I'll try to write again soon. I'm probably eventually going to change the name of this blog. . .I guess biology doesn't have too mucdh to do with my life anymore. We'll see.

Short update

I don't know how long the internet will actually work (just picking up on a wireless signal; most of the time it doesn't work) but I just wanted to give you all an update.
I got a job. It's at a hotel downtown and I started this week. It's not too bad; not that great either really. I'm still going to be looking for something better.

I'm glad I'm working now though.

So that's the update; everything else is going pretty good. Dave and I are still figuring out what our relationship is going to look like now that we're actually around each other now. Sometimes it's hard to figure out. But we're getting there. Me having my own life out here is going to help a lot and me having a job will help me have a life here.

I'll try to write again soon. I'm probably eventually going to change the name of this blog. . .I guess biology doesn't have too mucdh to do with my life anymore. We'll see.

Job interview!

I have a job interview Friday at a hotel. Hopefully that will work out. I need something! I'll have to get a 2nd job if I work there; it won't pay enough. But oh well. At least I'll be working. I wish Starbucks would call me; I could get free coffee. I miss coffee. The only coffee I get is at church on Wednesday nights. But nothing like a triple grande caramel macchiato. Starbucks would make a good 2nd job.

It stinks feeling so down when you feel like you should be so happy. I am happy, I just can't show it very well right now. I know that's normal. I mean, I did just pick up and uproot myself from what was familiar to a very unfamiliar situation.

I went to church last night. I've been to Wednesday night church twice and Sunday morning once. Wednesday night is just a group bible study thing. It was interesting. . .we talked about Saul (Paul) in Acts and how he went from comfortable life as a Jew to a believer in Christ. And how when that happened, Jews wanted him dead and believers didn't trust his conversion. He didn't belong anywhere.

I feel like that right now. I had gotten to the point where I wanted to go to church on Sunday and liked where I was going. I still didn't know anyone at the church; I hadn't gotten that far yet. Now I'm in a totally different church and with someone who is so comfortable and at home there and wants me to feel the same way. Which is fine but it's so hard. I've always felt that way in churches. I get a nervous knot in my stomach. I hope it goes away eventually.

Ok so pray or something that I get this job. It could be cool; I've never worked at a hotel before and this is one of the nicer ones in town. I think I could enjoy it.

stress

I'm stressed. I admit it. I'm also depressed. Especially yesterday. I slept until about 11 am, didn't do anything, except clean up my apartment (which is still not even close to being unpacked) and watch episodes from the first season of Grey's Anatomy (Totally off the subject, I can't WAIT until the 2nd season comes out). I'm feeling better today. I'm just stressed because I haven't found a job yet and I still feel so unsettled.
I told Dave I need to explore Wichita sometime. All I know is how to get from my apartment to his house, to his office, and to church. That's about it.
And I just need to find a job (or two) so I can quit stressing about money and actually buy some groceries sometime. And gas. I'm almost out.

I'm feeling better today but yesterday I was on the verge of crying most of the day. It's very frustrating going back to feeling so depressed when I had been doing so well the last few months. And not knowing how anyone can help make me feel better because no one has ever really attempted to make me feel better.

Anyway like I said I really am feeling better today. I really need a job...I'll keep looking and try not to worry.

I really want to be able to go to Starbucks and Chipotle. Especially Chipotle. Chipotle is good. I need rice and beans and guacamole.

Update

Unfortunately I don't have regular internet access. The only way I can get online is at Dave's office so when I can make it there I can actually check e-mail and stuff.
I got moved into my apartment Thursday evening. We drove to Denver and back on Wednesday/Thursday. I ended up crying a little when we left. I'm not sure why. A lot of things in Colorado ended up being different than I thought they'd be. I think I wanted it to be home but it was obvious it wasn't. I never felt completely normal there. I have only made a small dent in unpacking which is not surprising for me. I still need to find a job. The girlfriend of one of Dave's friends is the assistant manager at a hotel and she said they need people there so I'm going to go apply. I'm probably going to end up having two jobs. . .which I'm not looking forward to at all, but I don't think I'm going to find one job that will pay me enough.

I'm having fun hanging out with the kids; I took care of them most of the day Saturday. I know it's going to take awhile to feel totally comfortable with them but I like getting to know them. Katie and I got to hang out for a little bit by ourselves; she helped me unpack some of my stuff, then we went to Target. The boys are just boys of course. They love playing Star Wars on playstation and playing with their light sabers.

I've been a little stressed just with the big step of moving, not having a job, and everything being turned around...I think once I get into more of a normal routine I'll calm down a little bit.

I went to Dave's church for the first time yesterday. It wasn't too bad. I liked the sermon. As usual, going to a new church was just plain hard and uncomfortable for me. I had just gotten to the point where I felt comfortable going to my church in Denver but I still wasn't to the point where I wanted to be involved with anything. It just takes me time to be comfortable...especially at a church where I was already apprehensive (it's an AG church) about going. So we'll see.

So that's just a little update on what's going on since the move to Kansas.

Kansas

Well I'm in Kansas now. I had a good drive out here last Friday. I left at about 5:30 AM. And now here I am! Everything is going well. I put a deposit down on an apartment yesterday, now I'm going to be looking for a job. I'm going to a few temp agencies today and apply. Then there are a few other places that I am going to send my resume to.
I absolutely love being here and getting to see Dave. The kids have been great too. I like spending time with them. Last night I got my hair done by his little girl, Katie. And Sunday I played catch with the two little boys for a little bit. Saturday the oldest boy Caleb had a baseball game that we all went to. That was fun. He did a good job. Last night, we all watched Madagascar; I hadn't seen it before, it was funny.

Thursday morning we're leaving to go to Illinois. We're going to camp that night. We're excited. . .we're going back to the place where we met! Then, we're going to Dave's friend's wedding.

After the 4th of July, we're going back to get all my stuff and get me moved into my apartment. Right now I'm staying with a girl Dave works with.

Well that's all for now. I just wanted to give everyone an update. I'll try to keep you all up to date!

Packing!!!!

I wrote something a week ago and I realized how much has happened so I better write some more!!!

OH MY GOSH. I'm moving to Kansas. Next week to be exact. In one week to be more exact. I was already planning on going for the weekend but now I'm going for good. We decided it for sure on Monday. What's amazing is I already have someone to take over my lease and a place to stay until I get my apartment finalized (which will hopefully be next Saturday). Then I'll just need to contact a temp agency or two to get work. And I've found a few jobs that I'm going to send in my resume for.
All my big furniture is going to stay here until after July 4 when Dave and I bring a truck and trailer to move it. I'm so excited!!!!!

Originally I had planned on moving in August but it just became more and more apparent that we both didn't want to wait that long. And getting engaged and married isn't going to come to long after. . . ;-) I still don't get to go try on dresses until I have a ring, though.
It didn't take us long to realize we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. I don't feel like we're rushing at all. We're still enjoying what is going on, and the time we're spending talking and making plans. We're going through a book about questions to ask before you get engaged. I love listening to his thoughts on different things and just getting to know him more and more.

I'm so excited and sometimes still in disbelief. I mean, I've known him for SO long. He remembers me when I was like 8 years old. I have known the man that I will marry for most of my life. WOW.

I know things will be hard, we're going to get on each others' nerves, have fights, and wonder what the hell we were thinking but then we'll work it out, kiss (well after we're engaged, at least), and make up...hmmmm I bet that'll be fun ;-)

I'll keep you all posted on how things are going.

WOOHOO I'm just SOOOOO excited! And since I know he'll be reading this, I love you so much baby. I can't wait to see you.

Wow

So in case you didn't figure it out, the handsome man I am standing with in the below picture is Dave. :-) My Dave. My sister and I had to start specifying who we were talking about because her husband's name is Dave as well. So we had to say "my dave" or "your dave." You get the idea. ;-) And Dave decided he likes it when I say it so I do. ;-)

I'm happy. VERY happy. This all has been so amazing. 12 weeks ago I didn't even know him anymore. To me he was just a long lost friend that every once in awhlie I'd think of, hope he was doing ok, and I said a little prayer for him. NOW HE'S MY BOYFRIEND! HOLY SHIT! (that's another one of our things, every once in awhile we'll just be like Holy crap! or Holy shit!, it's funny)

When I think about all the things I wanted in a man, Dave has them. And there are even things about him that I didn't realize I did want that he has. And somehow (and very specifically, according to him) I have all the qualities he's been praying for. How awesome is that? Even right down to the fact that I love baseball! More specfically I love the Cardinals. :-)

When we were together we were so comfortable around each other. He makes me feel safe and loved. We never had to force ourselves to enjoy being around each other. We just did. It was amazing. I got to dance with him in an aisle at Hallmark and I didn't care if people thought we were crazy. We got to walk around the new Busch Stadium and talk about going to a game someday. We hung out at a bar and danced to Brown-Eyed Girl (which he had to change the words around to Green-Eyed Girl).

Even with all the fun stuff. . .I can really talk to him. And he can really talk to me. We know things about each other that not many other (if any) people know. And I do not fear that he will be judgemental, harsh, or criticize me. He is loving, encouraging, and compassionate. We've been through some very similar things so we can talk to each other and know the other person understands.

I can't believe it still sometimes. . .I'm in love with a man who I used to look up to and go to for advice at church camp. He would DJ "spontaneous movement" parties (dances) in the tabernacle and sing during church.

HOLY CRAP! This is amazing! I'm so excited. I know that whatever happens, God has got this under control. I'm just so very content and happy.

I'm just so amazed. . .so this is what this feels like huh? I'd always heard about it, seen it, and dreamed of it...and now it's here. Wow.

A cute couple

Hmmm, not sure about this, but OK!

You Are Kermit

Hi, ho! Lovable and friendly, you get along well with everyone you know. You're a big thinker, and sometimes you over think life's problems. Don't worry - everyone know's it's not easy being green. Just remember, time's fun when you're having flies!

The Muppet Personality Test

My trip

My trip was amazing. Absolutely amazing. Oh where to begin. . .

I went from nervous to anxious to excited on Tuesday. I was freaking out when I left for the airport but then by the time my plane actually left (it was late) I was just so excited I couldn't stand it! I had to walk down this long hallway to get past all the gates at the Wichita airport and then. . .there he was. We had a nice long hug and we just couldn't stop looking at each other. We couldn't believe we were actually seeing each other again. We stood with our arms linked while we waited for my luggage.

We left for IL around 7:30 am Wednesday after getting some breakfast and dropping his kids off at daycare. The drive was great! For at least the first two hours we just kept looking over at each other and smiling and laughing. . .we were just so excited and amazed that we were actually together. We still couldn't believe it. We just talked, laughed, and listened to music . . . I just loved being there with him. We got to listen to some Chicago, Rascal Flatts, and Weird Al :-) We didn't even listen to much music. . we just enjoyed each other's company.

On Thursday I went with him to his hometown so he could see his old high school; they're tearing it down. He saw a lot of old teachers and people he knew. It was fun seeing where he grew up and listen to him reminisce. I told him just wait until he has to do that with me. . .there are towns all over southern Illinois to visit! hehehe!

Thursday evening we went to Vandalia for pizza with my family. Then I stayed with my sister and he went back to where he was staying. I spent Friday hanging out with my neice and nephew. Then Friday night I hung out with Kyle and Sarah; we went to Outback. YUMMY!!!! (Thanks for dinner you guys!)

Then I got back to my parents house on Saturday, went to pick up Dave (I had his van) and we hung out. First we went to Monical's Pizza. It was great. Dave got to play Pacman. Then we went back to my parents to change for the wedding. Before that though we went to get ice cream at a little place in Oblong that my parents like and know the owners. I met them before and knew I wanted to stop by to say hi. I introduced Dave as "my friend." I told him later that it just seemed odd to say we were only friends because it was becoming more and more obvious that there was more going on.
So we talked about it some more and he said that if we had a relationship it was going to be because we wanted to see if it could lead to marriage. Which of course is fine with me becuase I don't want to just date for the sake of dating. I want a clearly defined relationship. So then he asked if I would be his girlfriend and of course I said yes. :)

We went to the wedding. . .he ended up doing a lot to get everything at the church ready, I ended up attending to the guest book. I got to meet his dad and stepmom, who are wonderful. I'm going to enjoy getting to know them. His mom, on the other hand. . . oh well.

We slow-danced at the reception which was wonderful. And it was very funny watching him freak out about the DJ. Dave is a DJ (along with working at a radio station) and he was very critical of the guy who DJed the wedding (he was pretty bad). I got to see him dance to YMCA. . now THAT was hilarious. :-)

After the reception, we all (including the bride and groom) went out to a bar. There was a live band and we ended up dancing there too. It was sooooo much fun! Then we walked around Robinson and talked and laughed and hugged. We have a no-kissing-until-we're-engaged rule. . .already know that it's going to be VERY difficult but we're determined. Luckily I get kisses on the cheek and eskimo kisses (eskimo kisses are fun, Val!). I got back to my parents at like 3 am. Then we went to church at 9 am!

We left Illinois, went to see the new Busch Stadium (I have to admit, it is pretty nice except it still looks like every other new stadium in the country), then headed back to Wichita. We hung out for a bit, then I went to my hotel, then the next morning Dave came to get me. I saw the radio station, we went to see X-Men 3, and tried REALLY hard not think about the fact I was leaving in a only a few hours. We picked up the kids and then had a little time to ourselves while they took a nap before we went to the airport.

Then I had to leave. I miss him so much! I missed him as soon as I walked through security at the airport!

It's hard not to get ahead of ourselves. I'm trying to be patient. ..I really want to just move to Wichita right now! Who would ever have thought I'd actually want to live in Kansas? But we'll see. . .

I'm going to visit sometime in June, I hope. I really want to go to Illinois with him when he goes for his friend's wedding...but I'd have to take 2 or 3 days off of work and I don't know if that would work out. I still may see about it though.

And then in July he's going to come here and we're going to go to the Rockies/Cardinals game! WOOHOO!!!!

I'm SOOOO excited about this. I still can't believe it's happening! It's hard not to get my hopes up but this could really be it. . .WOW! HOLY CRAP! ;-)

I'm happy. .. VERY happy!!!

AHHHH

I'M GOING NUTS!!!!!!!
24 MORE HOURS!!!!!
AHHHHH!!!!!

3 days

Only 3 more days until I see Dave.
I am flying to Wichita on Tuesday evening and then we are driving to Illinois on Wednesday. I'm SOOOO excited, I must say. We were both trying to figure out why I didn't fly in sooner. I could've been there by now! :)

So many things are running through my head today. And have been for the last few. Things have. . . . . well. . . .progressed. Progressed to a point I wasn't expecting. It's shocked the hell out of me quite honestly (in a good way).

I'm excited (and I must admit, a little nervous) to see what is going to happen.

We're both praying. . .trying to be patient. . .and hoping. . .but definitely praying. And we've got other people praying too.

Only 3 more days!!!!!! YYAYAYAYAYAY!

That's all for now. ;-)

Only 5 more days

until I get to see Dave. I am SO excited. I want it to be Tuesday now!!!!

Romancing

Today I went to church. I am really glad I went. The sermon was by Monte Swan. . .who goes to the church and who wrote the book "Romancing Your Child's Heart."

What is interesting about Monte is that he is a research geologist. Now even though I am not into geology as much as I am into human biology and organic chemistry (how freakin cool is that I can actually say I'm into organic chemistry, it's absolutely fascinating...i need to take biochem and then I'll really be excited!), I love when scientists talk about their love of God and how they see and experience God through creation. And not just "oh those flowers are pretty" but they experience God through the intricate workings of the petal, the stem, and how they reproduce.

It's not surprising to me that I ended up doing something science related in college. I have always been fascinated with nature. I have always experienced God through his creation. Whether it be dark clouds rolling in bringing rain, thunder and lightning, a lilac bush, an open field with the huge sky overhead, or the night sky scattered with stars, I experience God. One thing that I love about the church I go to is that it is up in the mountains a little ways. When you get off on the exit to go to the church, you come up on an amazing view of Mt. Evans. It's just this gorgeous expanse of towering, magnificent mountains. Everytime I see it I am in awe. I am in wonder. One thing the speaker said this morning was "wonder is a heartbeat away from worship." I'll definitely have to remember that.

Something that was mentioned that is interesting was how western Christians tend to not want to focus on nature because of pantheism...which is defined as "A doctrine identifying the Deity with the universe and its phenomena." So basically people were more likely to worship nature. Nature was the god. But the speaker had something to say to the effect of we can't separate God from his creation. He defined the word Panentheism (notice the en in there). "the paradox of a simultaneously immanent and transcendent God. "Pan" means God is "all" and everywhere within the Creation (immanent) and "en" means He is outside the Creation (completely transcendent) and the Creation is contained "within" Him. Panentheism launches living beyond time and space into the eternal present and forever pierces the thin place of the Divine Presence.

He also quoted Eugene Peterson "Re-enter the world with a second nativete. Look at the world with childlike wonder, ready to be startled into surprised delight by the profuse abundance of truth and beauty and goodness that is spilling out of the skies at every moment. Cultivate a hermeneutics of adoration - see how large, how splendid, how magnificent life is."

That is all gives me so much to think about. How can I fathom that the creator of the universe actually cares about me? How can I fathom that he wants to romance me? That he wants me? And not just the good parts, he wants all of me!

I also think about how it's not just through nature I experience God; it is through his ultimate creation, people. It's a kind of paradox...here we are God's most beloved creation yet nothing compared to God. We are created in his image, yet we are weak, messed up, and in need of a Savior. And we are so quick to criticize and hate each other. . .hate God's creation and therefore, hate God.
I see this when I observe how parents treat their children. Children should be treated as the most amazing miracle. It only takes reading about the development of an embryo for me to know that God had something amazing in mind when he came up with the idea. And yet, the attitude of children today is that they are not that important, they can't be children (we take away their child-like wonder way too quickly), and they are treated as a commodity instead of a miracle, instead of a blessing.

Today is mother's day. One friend of mine is a mom for the first time but is also dealing with her mother being gone...one friend is a dad basically having to be a mom at the same time, and I keep thinking about my mom. My mom is probably a lot greater than I really realize...she just can be very closed off sometimes. I can be like that too. We've talked about how there were a lot of things she never said or did that really affected me growing up. That was when I actually got to a point of forgiving my parents...anyway it makes me think of maybe someday I'll be lucky enough to be a mom. I would love to hold a baby in my arms and rejoice in his or her creation. I want to be able to love them and let them know they are wonderful and loved by God. I want to be able to instill in them the confidence that allows them to be able to face the world and know I am right behind them. But I also want to be able to let them know that...I'm not perfect and I will mess up...hmmmmm. How do you do that?

God is romancing me. He has given me people who love me who point me to Him. He gives me lilac bushes and thunderstorms, mountains, and plains. He gives me the pounding of drums and the soothing sound of a violin. He has given me everything I need to see Him, to love Him, and to enjoy Him.

I'm happy.

Graduation and right to work

I wanted to write something sooner than this but it's taken me awhile to recover from this weekend. And let the fact that I'm working full time now sink in.
So I graduated from college. I don't know if it'll sink in really until I'm not going to school in the fall. No classes to sign up for or worry about. Woohoo!

I got a job. I'm working at a small marketing company. I'm basically doing office manager kind of stuff. I really don't think I'll like it too much but I'm trying to have a good attitude about it.
The good attitude part is hard especially because I just feel stuck. I feel stuck in the place I'm living, stuck at this job, and stuck in Colorado. But like I said I'm really going to try to have a good attitude about it. I'm going to stick it out at least until the end of the summer. Especially when it comes to my living situation. One roommate is moving out and the girl who is moving in has a cat which my other roommate is not ok with (and told our landlord that but apparently he didn't care). And I am not ok with having two totally new roommates (if my other one moves out). So we'll see. If I decide I can't handle it I'm definitely going to look for a different place to live. I'm not willing to be miserable in my living situation.

I guess what I really want to happen isn't realistic right now so I'll be content with what I'm doing now.

I'm really excited about what is going to happen in 12 days though. 12 more days and I'll see Dave. I'm so excited. I can't believe I'm going to see someone I haven't seen in 6 years. He sent me a bunch of CDs for me to put on my iPod for the trip. We're going to be listening to Journey, Chicago (which I realized I absolutely LOVE), and lots of Weird Al! HA! We're going to watch Anchorman, go to Steak-n-Shake, dance at the wedding reception, go see X-Men 3. . .oh just lots of stuff! It's going to be great. I can't wait!!!!

Hmmm sometimes I wish I could write more. But I don't think I will.

Eating out

We ended up going to good old reliable Applebee's after graduation. It was fun.

Me & cake

I made a yummy cake...chocolate with nutella in the middle. Yummy!

Calling my sister

I graduated!!!

It's OVER!!!!!!!

I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! I'm done!
I am officially finished with school! On Saturday I will walk across the stage at a huge-ass church and get my degree (or really just a little rolled up piece of paper, I think) and move that tassle to the other side! FINALLY!

I'm so excited if you couldn't figure it out ;)

I'm so happy I'm done. It's been everything from down right shitty to absolutely wonderful.
I never thought I could do it. But I did! Yay!!!!!
And no urges to go on any walks!

And in 20 days I will see my long-lost friend. . .


So happy. . . . .

Almost done

I took my last college exam today. WOOHOO! I didn't really study too well for it but I don't think I did too badly. We'll see.
Now, I need to actually start this paper that is due tomorrow and I'll be done! I hate writing papers. It's my least favorite thing. Which is interesting considering I want to go to grad school. . .I'll have the pleasure (please note the sarcasm here) of writing a thesis. . .doctoral dissertation. . .ok so I guess I probably don't need to worry about that now. ;-)

I can't believe I'm almost done! Oh my gosh! I am actually graduating from college! Finally!

I have a job interview on Friday. It's for an administrative position at a marketing company. I won't start until June, if I get it. . .I'm a little nervous though. I mean, if I get this job that settles it. . .I'm staying. Right here. Yup...I'm not sure how I feel about it. I really don't. I can't believe I actually wish I wasn't living in Colorado. Well I guess I can't do anything about that now.

Ok I have to write this stupid paper. It's not a long one . . . just 3-5 pages. . .easy right? HA! Ok so maybe it won't be too bad.

Hopefully by about midnight tonight (1 am at the latest) I will officially be finished with all of my undergraduate coursework. Unless I have to take extra classes for grad school. crap. ha! Aren't I just the optimist? ;-)

21 more days!!!!!