Oh depression...how I LOATHE thee, let me count the ways....

1) I can't get excited about anything...not even the trip to NYC in July which will put me in NYC twice within a year. Yes very cool but at this point not excited at all.

2) I am not motivated to do anything. Yesterday I actually managed to go fill out a job application. One. That probably only makes about 5 that I have managed to do. After filling out one, I camped out on the couch and watched 4 episodes of Gilmore Girls. And more TV after that. I can't even get up motivation to pay bills online. I have 3 due by Saturday.

3) Getting out of bed is hard and not just because I got a new-to-me pillowtop queen sized mattress recently. I just don't want another day to start.

Geesh. I could be in an antidepressant commercial.

This is so frustrating. I have to find a job but have no motivation to do so..don't even know what I want to look for. I need to figure out what I'm doing in general with my life and just have no idea where to even begin. I can't believe I'm in this position. I mean, I thought things were bleak and hopeless when I first moved out here but at least then I was just out of college and figured I had some time to figure things out. But now...I feel like I don't. I've been out of school for almost 4 years now and I'm no better off than I was then. My life is an absolute mess and there doesn't seem to be any hope to get it figured out anytime soon.

Why did everything have to happen like this? Why do I have to be one of those almost 30 years olds with no direction and no life? Why do I have to be on medicine and have people ask me if I've thought of offing myself? Why do I have to be one of those people who are so completely miserable with their life? Why is this my life? I hate it.