I was alone all weekend. It pretty much sucked. No not pretty much. . .it did suck. And then all the homework I had managed to slip my mind so then I was stressed out about that all on Sunday night. Then I woke up late. . .I actually went to class though so that's good. I'm doing better now.
I went through a little breakdown last night though. I've been thinking a lot about God stuff and life/future stuff. And it just all hit the fan after this weekend. I didn't get much sleep. Which is why I overslept this morning.
Oh well. Hopefully the rest of the week will be better. . .even though I have so much to do. The next two weeks are going to be crazy!
I'd write more but I'm jamming to Bon Jovi and Def Leppard. :)
Monday, February 28, 2005
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Boys
Whenever I have hung out with a group of guys, I usually have fun. Guys are fun to hang out with. There is just something about it.
It has been awhile since I have hung out with guys on a regular basis. Really the only time I do is when I go bowling. The guys who live across the hall are adorable. I wish I could actually get to know them. (well 2 of them, and 1 especially) But oh well. At least I have bowling.
Sometimes it sucks because they their "boys' club." Why isn't going out with the girls as much fun or as appealing? It would be fun to be able to have a cool mixed club. :) Sometimes I miss having a group of people to hang with. Really I don't have one. but oh well.
I'm just being silly. It's 1:30 am and I am trying to make myself tired so I can go to bed. It's not working.
But I have no idea what else to type right now so I'm going to go. llalallalalallalala. . . and I have school tomorrow! eeek!
It has been awhile since I have hung out with guys on a regular basis. Really the only time I do is when I go bowling. The guys who live across the hall are adorable. I wish I could actually get to know them. (well 2 of them, and 1 especially) But oh well. At least I have bowling.
Sometimes it sucks because they their "boys' club." Why isn't going out with the girls as much fun or as appealing? It would be fun to be able to have a cool mixed club. :) Sometimes I miss having a group of people to hang with. Really I don't have one. but oh well.
I'm just being silly. It's 1:30 am and I am trying to make myself tired so I can go to bed. It's not working.
But I have no idea what else to type right now so I'm going to go. llalallalalallalala. . . and I have school tomorrow! eeek!
Sunday, February 20, 2005
Randomness
My best friend is having a baby. Pretty much anyday now really. I saw new pictures of her and she is SO pregnant! I almost started crying when I saw them. Just to think that she has a little person inside of her. . . I'm so sad that I haven't been able to see her and pat her belly :) After the baby is born I get to go shopping for her, though, yay! You know what's funny? Last night I was having dreams that I was waiting for a call to find out that she had the baby.
Yesterday my roommate wanted to go to a Christian bookstore to look for a book so we went. Someday I want to write a book about being single and happy. Not single, and happy enough until you get married. You look in the singles section and it's all about how to get by until marriage. Or finding a husband or wife. OH my! I think about it enough already! Sometimes it's hard not to think something is wrong with me or that no one will ever want me because I'm not a perfect Christian. I've been enjoying my single life lately. I have been able to just concentrate on school and have fun with my friends. (Yes I admit sometimes too much fun but still). And I can be happy for my friends who are married, having kids, or that are engaged. It's fun to watch it all unfold.
I think I need to find a job. I like to shop too much and without one I have too much time on my hands. Too bad I can't take all that time and study. Or memorize my lines for the play. Oh well :)
Colorado is beautiful. It's so beautiful today. I wish I could go to the mountains. Maybe I'll take a drive today.
Yesterday my roommate wanted to go to a Christian bookstore to look for a book so we went. Someday I want to write a book about being single and happy. Not single, and happy enough until you get married. You look in the singles section and it's all about how to get by until marriage. Or finding a husband or wife. OH my! I think about it enough already! Sometimes it's hard not to think something is wrong with me or that no one will ever want me because I'm not a perfect Christian. I've been enjoying my single life lately. I have been able to just concentrate on school and have fun with my friends. (Yes I admit sometimes too much fun but still). And I can be happy for my friends who are married, having kids, or that are engaged. It's fun to watch it all unfold.
I think I need to find a job. I like to shop too much and without one I have too much time on my hands. Too bad I can't take all that time and study. Or memorize my lines for the play. Oh well :)
Colorado is beautiful. It's so beautiful today. I wish I could go to the mountains. Maybe I'll take a drive today.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
A thought
So today I was thinking about school and the things I want to accomplish. To accomplish those things I have to do well in school. I have to be motivated and constantly active in my understanding of different subjects. While in my bioethics class, I wondered: Am I afraid to really do well? Am I afraid that if I actually apply myself that things I want to happen will happen? Am I afraid to live up to the intelligence I know I have? Is there a part of me who just wants to go through life not caring and not having to live up to anything?
I know that if I apply myself I can do really well. I could have straight As. I could fill out a medical school application in a few years and schools would be begging me for interviews (ok maybe not really but I'd get an interview). But maybe there's a part of me who only wants to be mediocre so I have a valid excuse for not accomplishing what I want.
I don't have anyone to look to when it comes to wanting to being more than I see around me. I have no one to look to when it comes to wanting a career and a family. I have no model of what a wonderful Christian woman who is working outside the home and raising a family looks like. I'm nuts. Why do I even think about these things?
BTW, I'm really proud of myself, I must say. I got through Valentine's Day wonderfully! There was a lot of bitterness around me but I was just like, eh! No big deal. Having a husband is definitely something I want but I also want it to be exactly what I need when I need it. And I know it will happen when I'm ready. No use in worrying about it. Even though at this wonderful Christian college we're only surrounded by it all the time. Ohwell, comes with the territory.
ok that's all for now.
Only a couple more weeks before my wonderful best friend is a mommy! yayay!!
time to do homework!
I know that if I apply myself I can do really well. I could have straight As. I could fill out a medical school application in a few years and schools would be begging me for interviews (ok maybe not really but I'd get an interview). But maybe there's a part of me who only wants to be mediocre so I have a valid excuse for not accomplishing what I want.
I don't have anyone to look to when it comes to wanting to being more than I see around me. I have no one to look to when it comes to wanting a career and a family. I have no model of what a wonderful Christian woman who is working outside the home and raising a family looks like. I'm nuts. Why do I even think about these things?
BTW, I'm really proud of myself, I must say. I got through Valentine's Day wonderfully! There was a lot of bitterness around me but I was just like, eh! No big deal. Having a husband is definitely something I want but I also want it to be exactly what I need when I need it. And I know it will happen when I'm ready. No use in worrying about it. Even though at this wonderful Christian college we're only surrounded by it all the time. Ohwell, comes with the territory.
ok that's all for now.
Only a couple more weeks before my wonderful best friend is a mommy! yayay!!
time to do homework!
Saturday, February 12, 2005
My new tradition
Last year on Valentine's day I went shopping. Today I went as well. I think it should just become a tradition. I found such cute stuff! And it was on sale! I found some wonderful black boots and little white tennis shoes. I got two adorable sweaters including a red cashmere one! On sale! It was so exciting! And now I am spending time studying the heart and with Gene Kelly (I'm watching Singin In the Rain). I love Gene Kelly. He's wonderful. OOO then maybe I could watch An American in Paris. Ah Gene Kelly in good old Parie, singing Gershwin, and dancing on a piano.
Ok time to go back to studying. I have a test on Monday. The circulatory system and the heart are so interesting! There's so much that goes on! It amazes me!
Ok time to go back to studying. I have a test on Monday. The circulatory system and the heart are so interesting! There's so much that goes on! It amazes me!
Valentine's Weekend
Ah, valentine's day. The Hallmark holiday. I remember last year. My roommate and I went shopping. We had a lot of fun. This year I'll be so busy with getting homework done I won't even have time to think about it.
There is a lot of bitterness surrounding me right now in regards to this holiday. I am trying very hard to have a positive attitude about it. I don't want to look at this time of year and be moaning about being alone. Yes sometimes it's hard but in the past few days and weeks I've tried looking at being alone as a good thing. I mean I do want a relationship someday but I don't want a meaningless one. I don't want just any guy, I want THE guy. And I'm willing to wait for it no matter how long. Ok so I hope I don't have to wait until I'm forty but I know I could make it.
I bought the movie, The Notebook this week. I absolutely love it. One thing my roommate mentioned about it was that you can see the image of Christ's love for us in the movie. When Noah is pursuing Allie, he pursues her relentlessly even though at first, she isn't interested. And then he invites her to be free. And then he dances with her, wooing her with a sweet melody. I want to be pursued by a guy that way that Jesus pursues me. I will accept no less.
Valentine's Day certainly isn't my favorite right now but I hope someday to enjoy it. But until then. . .I will just try not to think about it and enjoy this time I have alone. Lately it's been kinda cool. Lots of cool stuff is happening right now. . .I'm enjoying school, I'm in a play, and the other day, I worshipped in a way that I hadn't in awhile. Grace overtook me for a short time. It was short, but it was wonderful at the same time.
I just thought, even though things for me are going pretty well right now, it seems that so many people I know are going through a lot. Sometimes I'm afraid I will not be able to be supportive. I hope I can though.
Ok time for bed.
May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, the extravagent love of God, the intimate friendship of the Holy Spirit be with you.
There is a lot of bitterness surrounding me right now in regards to this holiday. I am trying very hard to have a positive attitude about it. I don't want to look at this time of year and be moaning about being alone. Yes sometimes it's hard but in the past few days and weeks I've tried looking at being alone as a good thing. I mean I do want a relationship someday but I don't want a meaningless one. I don't want just any guy, I want THE guy. And I'm willing to wait for it no matter how long. Ok so I hope I don't have to wait until I'm forty but I know I could make it.
I bought the movie, The Notebook this week. I absolutely love it. One thing my roommate mentioned about it was that you can see the image of Christ's love for us in the movie. When Noah is pursuing Allie, he pursues her relentlessly even though at first, she isn't interested. And then he invites her to be free. And then he dances with her, wooing her with a sweet melody. I want to be pursued by a guy that way that Jesus pursues me. I will accept no less.
Valentine's Day certainly isn't my favorite right now but I hope someday to enjoy it. But until then. . .I will just try not to think about it and enjoy this time I have alone. Lately it's been kinda cool. Lots of cool stuff is happening right now. . .I'm enjoying school, I'm in a play, and the other day, I worshipped in a way that I hadn't in awhile. Grace overtook me for a short time. It was short, but it was wonderful at the same time.
I just thought, even though things for me are going pretty well right now, it seems that so many people I know are going through a lot. Sometimes I'm afraid I will not be able to be supportive. I hope I can though.
Ok time for bed.
May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, the extravagent love of God, the intimate friendship of the Holy Spirit be with you.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Being bad is so much fun
There are many times when I have thought this. I must admit that I like doing things that I know aren't 100% beneficial for me. Like going bowling. No the bowling part isn't the bad part, but the reason people started going bowling: $1 beer. Now I can only drink beer after having a couple good drinks before hand. We went last night and I indulged in a couple girly drinks and even a beer and for some reason I choose to indulge in some Camel Exotic Blends cigarettes. You know after about 3 I realized why I don't smoke. But at the same time it was kinda fun. It's amazing how social it all is. I think going to the bowling alley and hanging out with all the guys (including the cute guy from Georgia who actually looks incredibly hot smoking a cigar) gives me a sense of actually belonging. I need that from time to time. Even though I need that social interaction, I'm looking forward to the weekend; I'm going to hang out with a friend of mine and then do homework all weekend and be alone. I have some stuff to catch up on. And our apartment will be quiet this weekend so I can just concentrate (I hope).
Oh and just FYI, I am not going to start smoking or anything. They really are gross and not good for you. Not a habit I want to have. But every 3 or 4 years it fun to curb the slight craving I seem to have every once in awhile.
And being around guys when they're all being very guy-y is interesting. It's been awhile. I haven't really hung out with guys for like 4 years. i think there's still a part of me that is a little scared just because of all the crap I've been through. But oh well.
anyway that's just stuff that I was thinking about. I could think about it deeper and really contemplate why people do things they know aren't necessarily good. I guess it's part of that human nature thing. I know I can't be "good" on my own and my nature gets in the way a lot. And sometimes I just really don't care. Sometimes I don't want to be good. Sometimes being bad is just more fun :)
Oh and just FYI, I am not going to start smoking or anything. They really are gross and not good for you. Not a habit I want to have. But every 3 or 4 years it fun to curb the slight craving I seem to have every once in awhile.
And being around guys when they're all being very guy-y is interesting. It's been awhile. I haven't really hung out with guys for like 4 years. i think there's still a part of me that is a little scared just because of all the crap I've been through. But oh well.
anyway that's just stuff that I was thinking about. I could think about it deeper and really contemplate why people do things they know aren't necessarily good. I guess it's part of that human nature thing. I know I can't be "good" on my own and my nature gets in the way a lot. And sometimes I just really don't care. Sometimes I don't want to be good. Sometimes being bad is just more fun :)
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