Wednesday, December 15, 2004

It is finished

Well the fall 2004 semester is finished. There is no more to do. I had my last final this morning. I think I did ok on it. I got everything turned in even though a lot of it was not done as well as it should've been. I'm so glad it's over.
I fly to IL tomorrow. It's going to be interesting being at my parents' for 3 weeks. I'm going to be visiting people off and on. I get to go to steak n shake! In fact, I get to go to steak and shake in like less than 12 hours! Woohoo!
It's going to be an interesting Christmas break. I am bringing books home to read. I'm determined to read "The Two Towers" and "The Return of the King." I finished Fellowship last Christmas but never got around to reading the other two.
I want this break to be relaxing and . . . relaxing. Even though I know there are going to be parts that are stressful. But that can't be helped. Maybe the stressful parts will end up being something halfway decent. We'll see.

Well have a merry christmas!

Monday, December 13, 2004

Well. . .

I'm flying home for Christmas. Found a cheap plane ticket (cheap enough anyway). Still disappointed though. I was really looking forward to driving with him. Oh well.
However, I did talk to him about him just springing this on us (my roommate and I). I never confront people when I am upset with them. I told him he should be honored. :)
So now I can't be mad at him. He's still adorable. GRRR. He was so nice about it.

And today, besides going to Applebee's and having a steak and a perfect margarita, was very frustrating. I got to makeup a quiz I missed and I failed it. I took my bio final this morning. Maybe. . .just maybe pulled off a B; completely and utterly failed my anatomy final. Didn't know about 3/4 of the stuff on it. Basically because I just gave up on studying. I couldn't concentrate at all yesterday and I've been staying up super late and will be tonight as well. I can't wait until this week is over. Then I'll get to go spend 3 weeks at my parents. . . .yay. Looking forward to that. . . ugh.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Stupid Idiot

Well normally I'm not into "signs." You know like in the movie Serendipity? Know how I was supposed to ride home with one of my roommates and the guy that I like? Yeah well he's a punk and he backed out and now our plans for getting home for Christmas are all up in the air.
So now I'm taking this as a sign that I shouldn't like him. Because he's obviously an asshole and now the fact that I was going to get to ride with him and talk to him so I could get to know him better is destroyed, what's the point?
I mean it's less than a week before we leave and he never said anything. I happened to be at his apartment and saw that he was looking at airline info online and then later we went to talk to him and found out that he's bailing. I seriously wonder if he was going to even say anything.
Stupid Idiot

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Today

Well today I am feeling a little better. I actually feel like I can sit down and get my schoolwork completed and study for my finals. I have until midnight to finish and e-mail a couple of assignments. Then tomorrow (since I no longer have a job) I can work on my paper and another assignment. It's going to be a long weekend. I hope it goes well. I can't handle another crappy one.
Only one more week of the semester! In one week I will be cleaning and finishing packing. I can't wait.
I just really want this week to go well. I don't know if I can handle another one like this week. Even if I could handle it, I don't want to. I want to be able to study and do well on my finals. I need to.
Anyway so hopefully this weekend will go better than last weekend and this week.

Shit part 2

You know I don't know why I bother wanting to hang out with people or looking forward to hanging out with people. Apparently there is something about me that makes people cringe and even though I've hung out with them before they feel I am not worthy any longer or something.
I've always had this problem. I'm always the one left out and the one that doesn't get invited to anything. And right now my first response is F#%& it I don't need them. I don't need anyone. At the rate I'm going now I might as well just look forward to being alone all my life. I always have been. I've survived. What the hell? Obviously there is something about me that makes people run the other way.
But the thing is I don't think I'm that bad. Sure I'm quiet but once I get to know people I'm outgoing and fun. I love making friends and finding out everything about them. I want them to know me and know that when it comes down to it I can be a good friend.
But you know, who gives a shit at this point. I've made it 23 years alone, I can make it another 23 and another 23 after that.
I can't help but wonder where God is in all of this. I don't know what to think of God or even how to go about finding out anything. I can't right now. I really don't know what to do with a god that apparently likes to see me suffer. A god who doesn't seem to give a shit about me. Seriously, why do I even bother?
I hate feeling like this. It sucks. But it looks like I may as well get used to it.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Shit

If you're offended by the title of this post then you shouldn't be reading it. I feel like shit right now so get over my choice of words. It's the only way to express myself at this point.
And for those of you who don't mind the title, thank you for being understanding and sympathic and not a pharisee.
So yeah I feel like shit right now. The last week has been super super super super crappy. I have no motivation to do anything and I am way far behind in my classes. I haven't gone to class in a week. I'll be lucky if I make it tomorrow. I have a shitload of homework to finish and I just can't make my do it. I am just so frustrated with everything right now.
I'm frustrated with my parents, school, people in general, my stupid job, and just everything!
I haven't been this depressed in awhile. I really don't know what's wrong with me.
The only thing I'm looking forward to my ride home for Christmas. But even then, I just keep thinking it'll end up sucking.
I know I'll be ok and won't do anything too stupid but I'm ready for this funk to be over.
Ok that's about it about the shit. If you know me well enough you already know the details. And to those, thanks for being there for me.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

No Title

I really don't know what's wrong with me. I have no motivation whatsoever to do any of my school work. I only have a week left before finals and I don't know how I'm going to make it.
I got just a little drunk last night. I feel bad but I pretty much thought in the back of my mind that I wanted to. I don't think it was an accident. I know that next time I drink I will definitely be more careful. I was at a bowling alley with some people from school. I think I can ask them to keep me accountable. I don't have a problem with drinking occassionally and moderately but I don't like drinking enough that I get drunk and can't walk straight. I don't like it at all.
I keep thinking about someone. That's why I started going bowling because the guy I am interested in goes. And thanks to him I'm starting to acquire a taste for beer (or maybe it's the fact they're only $1). He's really nice and funny. And then there are all the little features about him that I notice. Like his smile, his eyes, his nose, his hands, and even his feet. I saw him barefoot today and found out that he has nice feet. I like feet. So I'm glad they aren't ugly.
I really want to just get to know him. I don't want to be all flirty and annoying, I just want to talk to him and take it slow. I keep telling myself that if I get to know him and he gets to know me and he's not interested then it's ok, it's his loss. ;-)
I may not be all girly around him but whoa! when I get around my friends I'm like "oh. . .I really want to get to know him" and "I really like his hands and feet and his smile, etc." Total girl! oh well.
So we'll see. It looks like him, one of my roommates, and I are going to ride home for Christmas. I'm excited. That will give me the chance to talk to him more. :)
ok that's it.
I really should do my homework. I have a paper that was due on Monday that I still haven't finished. And I didn't go to class today or yesterday. I just want this semester to be over!