You know I don't know why I bother wanting to hang out with people or looking forward to hanging out with people. Apparently there is something about me that makes people cringe and even though I've hung out with them before they feel I am not worthy any longer or something.
I've always had this problem. I'm always the one left out and the one that doesn't get invited to anything. And right now my first response is F#%& it I don't need them. I don't need anyone. At the rate I'm going now I might as well just look forward to being alone all my life. I always have been. I've survived. What the hell? Obviously there is something about me that makes people run the other way.
But the thing is I don't think I'm that bad. Sure I'm quiet but once I get to know people I'm outgoing and fun. I love making friends and finding out everything about them. I want them to know me and know that when it comes down to it I can be a good friend.
But you know, who gives a shit at this point. I've made it 23 years alone, I can make it another 23 and another 23 after that.
I can't help but wonder where God is in all of this. I don't know what to think of God or even how to go about finding out anything. I can't right now. I really don't know what to do with a god that apparently likes to see me suffer. A god who doesn't seem to give a shit about me. Seriously, why do I even bother?
I hate feeling like this. It sucks. But it looks like I may as well get used to it.
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2 comments:
They're idiots, Jodie. And I hope they all read this so they can hear me call them idiots. I would LOVE to have you here so that we could go out and be girly and have fun and giggle and make Andy think that we've totally flipped our lids. I want to shake those people for not knowing how wonderful you really, really are.
And Jodie.... I know you know that I don't know much about God right now, but I do know... that He doesn't enjoy seeing you suffer. I think he is hurting with you and for you... and I hope that sometime in the next few days he will show himself in love and compassion.
Love you!
I agree with Val....Though I don't want to be girly myself. But then again, I seem to be able to be someplace in betweeen when I want to be. This too shall pass Jodie. Besides, you get to see me again in a few weeks and you know that I think you are wonderful.
Kyle
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