Surprise, surprise I'm having a hard time lately.

I am so sick of my life right now. I am bored half the time. When I get the chance to do something I enjoy, it seems to get shot down. Like last week when I worked in the garden, we ended up having a major thunder/hail storm which didn't ruin everything in the garden but ruined enough. I was just so upset. I know it shouldn't matter so much but it made me want to scream.

I met a guy a few weeks ago. A chubby, unattractive short Jewish guy (ok he's my height but to me that's short). He's nice but I'm not interested in him at all and not even really interested in trying to be friends with him.

Again as usual, nothing bad has happened. Sure the last year was crazy busy and I've had to recover from that. Really the whole getting used by the stupid ex-convict (who is now back together and living with his old girlfriend that he was sure he'd never get back together with) was the straw that broke my back this year. There seems to be something about being able to handle a bad part of your life if there is something else good to help balance it out. Right now there is no balance. While work is fine and part of me feels like that I was really meant to be available to help this lady out, I still have to work every other weekend at the nursing home and I still hate it even though I'm not there often. Feeling lonely is more common. I don't have many friends I can just call up and hang out with. I don't have any around here to do things I wish I could do. I still want to find someone to play tennis with. I hate staying in night after night. I hate knowing that I actually have all this free time and I'm not doing anything with it!! God-willing in a year I'll be back in school and won't have the time to do things.

There are people that are passionate about things. Whether it's their career or a cause, people have things they are passionate about. Passionate enough to take action. What am I doing? I'm not really all that passionate about anything. I don't necessarily feel like I'm working towards anything. I'm just waiting. I'm stuck between the life I have and the life I want.

The only thing that has made me happy recently besides seeing Rent is buying Stuart Weitzman shoes for $70 (original price $270) and a gorgeous Diane von Furstenberg skirt that was onsale and I'd be eyeing for months. I also had fun in Williams-Sonoma the other day.

I am just so unhappy and I have no idea what to do to change it. It's a horrible feeling.

Of course, there is always this crazy God factor in my life. I'm feeling more and more indifferent to it all. Is God really out for my good? How much control does He really have? Why does it seem so hard for me to actually have faith? Why has it been so up and down? It's just so annoying really. It is annoying that as soon as I seem to feel more comfortable with my life, who I am, and my relationship with God, of course, something happens. I'm tired of the fact that even when things aren't going well, I still don't have a "God is in control" attitude. I'm still just so angry sometimes that my life is not what I wish it was. I always had all these damned hopes and dreams (yes probably too many and too big hopes and dreams) and no way to reach them and make it happen. I HATE that. Faith doesn't bring much comfort or hope.

Yes I'll still apply to PA school and still hope and dream of the day I can get the hell out of Wichita. I'll keep hoping I can get to travel someday and maybe even keep hoping I'll have someone to travel with.

I am just ready to not hate my life.

Work is going well. I am really enjoying it. Sometimes I feel like a slight step above a housekeeper. . .but it's pretty much great ;-)

I went to St. Louis this past weekend. . .it was SOOOO awesome!!!! Kristi and I saw Rent at the fabulous Fox Theatre. We also went shopping (we even got our makeup done at Neiman Marcus), stayed at a new hip trendy hotel (the Moonrise), and ate at Giovanni's - my meal was great. . Kristi had some issues with hers...it was good going down but not so good. . .well you know ;-)

RENT was absolutely amazing. Anthony Rapp and Adam Pascal, the original Mark and Roger, were in it! I had been looking forward to it for over a year. I am so happy I got to see it! It was hard not singing along to all the songs. :-)

Another cool thing: I have made my first purchase from Tiffany's. That's right, the jewelry store. It is a simple, pretty silver butterfly necklace. I love it. I hope there are more little blue boxes in my future.

I also got to go to the zoo for a little bit. I hadn't been to the St. Louis Zoo in so long.

It was such a wonderful, amazing, relaxing weekend. It felt so good to be in an actual city, going to a show, eating at a super nice restaurant, and shopping. We had so much fun!!!

And now back to real, everyday life. . .which is. . .well. . .life. I have to admit, it's been better. But oh well. I'm trying to figure out ways to make it better. I've been trying to exercise but somehow can't quite keep from eating too much. I'd love to be able to lose about 20 pounds, but we'll see. I also need to get my room cleaned up and organized, so I can get a new bed. I slept in two queen-sized beds this weekend and can't stop thinking of how nice it was to just stretch out and have lots of room.

I feel so stuck sometimes. Stuck in between a life that I want to have and the life I have right now. I feel like there are so many things I want to do. . .even simple things around town and around the house but instead I usually end up sitting on the couch watching TV. Like now. Oh well. Hopefully one of these days, some motivation will kick in.

This week I haven't had to work. My employer's daughter is in town all week so I'm just going in on Friday (luckily she's still paying me). It's given me a lot of time. Time I really need to spend doing some studying. I have a test on Friday and two finals next week. If I can get focused and study, I can still get good grades in the classes.

I bought new tennis shoes this week. I keep putting them on to see if they provide some exercise motivation. It's actually worked a little! Last night, I did some dancing.

My car got fixed. I'm honestly beginning to think I should've looked for something here myself. My dad just picked out this one and honestly it's not that great. . .there's a bunch of little things wrong with it. The knob that controls that two side mirrors is broken and I can't roll down the driver's side window. The brakes already had to be replaced. Whoever owned this before definitely did not take care of it. It only has 34,000 miles on it. Honestly I think my dad got ripped off on the price. Oh well.

Ok so I'm watching Live with Regis and Kelly (I know, I'm pathetic) and they're in Miami Beach. Kelly just did a segment from Seaquarium and it looks AWESOME! I've got to go! And there was another place with Jungle in the name where you can pet the animals!

One thing I did yesterday was plant my garden! It made me very excited. I planted tomatoes, broccoli, carrots, jalepeno peppers, and cucumbers. I still have to plant the green beans, okra, and corn but have to get the rest of the garden cleaned out and let the soil warm up a bit. It's still been a bit chilly here. I love gardening. More specifically, vegetable gardening. I'm so excited to have fresh veggies.
I've been thinking a lot about just needing to find something to be happy about. This constant let-down feeling is just eating away at me. One thing I know I need to be doing is reading my Bible and some other books to start reminding me that God does love me, He is graceful and merciful, and is out for my good. I know the reason it's so hard for me to believe that is I haven't kept that idea in front of me through all this. I'm still burned out, disappointed about many things, and down-right tired. If I don't have to get up in the morning, I can easily sleep about 10 hours.

The sun is actually out today. I need to mow and finish the garden but I think I need to do some studying first. I keep thinking of Colorado (or anywhere else with mountains). I'd love to go hiking right now. I miss it.

Every once in awhile, something happens to make me feel like I am no better than I was a few years ago.
I'm not happy. I am upset about what my life is right now, in general. Every once in awhile there are some things that aren't bad but I just hate the feeling of being so unhappy.
I went to class this morning and then came back home and got upset about something. Not just upset, down right angry.

My parents brought me my car this weekend...and I can't even drive it. Something is wrong with the brakes. It was fine right up until they unloaded it. The very first time I drove it, it started making a weird noise when I would hit the brakes. My parents drove it the night before they left and it was fine! I finally get it and I can't even drive it. It's SO frustrating. And it's just another one of those things that make me feel like nothing ever just works out ok for me. I know it's not true but it's just so hard not to think that sometimes.

I'm frustrated with myself that I haven't been able to actually go to my stats class and focus on my classes. I have two more weeks left...I'm actually not working this week (luckily still getting paid) so I'll have a lot of time to study if I can just actually do it.

I've been wanting to eat better and exercise and haven't been able to do that either. I think today, though, I'm going to go get some new tennis shoes so maybe I can at least start walking or something. I feel like crap! I'm so tired of feeling fat. Yes, I know really I'm not, but I am not going to be as active since I won't be at the nursing home as much so I've got to do something...I've managed to lose 20 pounds in the time I've lived in Kansas. 20 or 25 more and I'll be good! But again the motivation to actually do it is hard to come by lately.

Two people from my church have been dating for 4 months and are engaged. They're getting married in August. Enough said. I keep telling myself that I just haven't found anyone good enough for me yet ;-) Oh and plus I'm probably really not ready to get married right now anyway and won't be for awhile. And (this I do believe) it's someone with the initials MC own loss for not talking to me anymore. Still frustrating though.

Another problem right now? I'm kinda indifferent to God right now. What's funny about that is I'm still teaching a Sunday school class. So indifferent right now, I can't even think of anything to say about it.

I hope things get better sometime soon.

This is actually from today:

My parents are coming tomorrow and I really need to clean the bathroom and finish cleaning my room. I have absolutely no motivation. I also have homework that I have no motivation for either. So here I am instead.

I started a new job this week. I'm only working at the nursing home every other weekend. Now I am helping a woman who has ALS. So far it's going really well. There are a lot of things she can still do for herself but still quite a few things she needs help with. I'm enjoying it.

Well I started this thinking I had something to say but nothing is coming...oh the reason my parents are coming is to bring me my new car! That's exciting! It's a 2004 Pontiac Grand Am.

In fact here's a picture, if you haven't already seen it on facebook:

Not crazy excited about the color but it's really not too bad. I'm excited to actually have a working CD player/radio and AC! Woohoo!

Ok going to actually try to get something done before I go to bed.

Saved draft number 3

and here's 3: (actually that's the last one. . .I miscounted)

Over the last several years, the whole Lent and Easter thing has seemed to come and go without me paying much attention. I think of something to give up or take up for Lent but then it doesn't happen. I feel like Easter should be something special

Saved draft number 2

Here's the 2nd one:

I can go to Kansas City, shop all day by myself, eat dinner at a restaurant by myself, then go to a movie yesterday by myself and feel totally and completely content.
But then I'm alone the past two nights at home and I can hardly stand how lonely I am. I tried reading but it was so silent so I had to watch two movies just to pass the time. I hate that feeling. I hate that when it comes right down to it, I am lonely.

I went with a friend downtown Friday evening for a music crawl except we only ended up hearing 2 bands for about 10 minutes each. The music wasn't her style and it was too loud. I couldn't help but wish I had someone, male or female, who I'd be able to sit in a bar with and just listen to a band. My roommate would but she was with her boyfriend. And the most recent "idiot" would too, except, well you know.

I have a test on Wednesday that I really should've studied for but I have absolutely no motivation. I don't have much motivation for anything really. There is a lot I have thought about doing and need to do. . .but none of it is getting done.

I keep thinking about my life, especially thinking about the things I wish I could do, things I always dreamed of. . .and how really none of it is happening. And being alone just gives me more time to think of it. Did you know that when I was younger, in addition to singing quite well, I would always start writing a book? I started many stories. . .most of them were pretty much identical to what I read in the Laura Ingalls books but I always tried to come up with something new. Once I even tried writing a story about a family in the Civil War. . .one in which the mother has died, leaving 3 kids to fend for themselves while their father is fighting. Eventually they hear that the father is wounded in a hospital so the youngest daughter goes to find him. Her older sister keeps bringing money home though no one knows how, although the older brother has his suspicions that it's not earned in the most respectable manner. I also used to write poems.