I feel like I've been in a coma today. I've been dead to the world. I barely woke up in time to go to church. . .made it through the 4th and 5th grade Sunday school craziness and then made it through the service. The music has become really lacking lately but we did sing a song I am quite fond of.
Then I'm sitting in church listening to the sermon about how God is self-sacrificing and I'm thinking "do I believe this anymore?" and "why does this seem to have no bearing on how I'm living my life right now?"
I came home, ate a bit of lunch, and fell asleep for 2 1/2 hours. Then I ate again and laid in bed and watched TV shows on my computer. I've been doing that all evening and right up until about 10 minutes ago. Except for when I had to run to walgreens to get a soda, chips, and candy. That's all gone plus the popcorn I ate before that and some cereal I just finished.
On my way to Walgreens to get the food that I used as something slightly numbing (unfortunately I am out of alcohol or that may have been used), I asked myself what my problem was. And I answered, "I don't believe You (God) actually care about me." Then I asked myself why I thought that, especially since it's something I was raised believing (mostly) and had really started to believe in the last few years. Again I answered myself, "I don't believe it because if You did care about me, I wouldn't be how I am. I wouldn't be all alone, miserable in freakin Wichita, KS, I wouldn't have grown up the way I did, I wouldn't still be holding on to what I am holding onto. If you cared about me, I wouldn't be the way that I am."
I don't know what to do with that really. I do know that I am sick of my life the way it is. As usual I don't know what to do about it though. There doesn't seem to be much to do. Like I was three years ago, I am stuck here. Stuck. Physically, emotionally, stuck in every way. And still have no idea how to get out. This is getting fucking old.
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Be encouraged that you're still talking to God, even if you're upset with Him. I encourage you to pick some goal, any goal, and make a plan to accomplish it. It doesn't have to be super grand right now. You can learn something new or read a book you've always wanted to read. You need a challenge, something to work towards. Moving sucks and it's hard, but you could do it. But remember that New York is just as lonely as Wichita, it just has more distractions.
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