I have no fear of drowning....

...it's the breathing that's taking all this work. -Jars of Clay "Work"

I am continuing on a journey that over the last like 7 years has been hard, scary, confusing, frustrating and something that has made me stand in awe and amazement one moment and cry and scream the next.
And now I continue on this journey and it seems like it will be just as hard, scary, confusing, and frustrating as it always has been. I'm hoping, though, that there will be some joy mixed in with that. I started seeing a mix of some joy & happiness (which I do believe are two different things) earlier this year and somehow before I knew it, lost it again.
This journey I speak of is life and in my case, this life of mine involves trusting a sometimes seemingly far away, yet very personal Christ. Many times I've wanted to completely close him out of my life but he never really let me. He let me do my own thing for awhile but he never actually let me shut him out completely. As much as sometimes I hated it, he was always right there.

Now I am faced with the fact that I have nothing else to turn to. If anything, being in Kansas has made me see that I really do need God. I can't make all this work on my own. So the journey of try to really trust God is continuing on. I'm not sure how to do it exactly.

I bought My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. I bought it for a couple of reasons: 1) it was only $5; 2) it's been around for a long time so I think maybe there's something more to it than just fluffy stuff you'd find in a newer devotional; 3) I'd always heard of it and wanted to get it. So far it's really good. Sometimes I have to read and reread a few times just so it sinks in.
One of things I've always struggled with is how I feel like my relationship with God is compared (and I know I shouldn't compare but it's hard sometimes) to other people's. Coming from the Methodist church it was all about going to church every Sunday, reading a chapter from the Bible everyday and spending a set amount of time in prayer. The relationship with God and how to achieve it was put in a nice pretty easy to accept package. However, what happens when the Bible seems to do nothing but confuse? What happens when you sit to pray and there are no words that come out? What happens when you start doubting the validity all everything you had ever been taught?
I know many people have been there. Probably a lot more than would ever actually admit it too.
I want my relationship with Jesus to be authentic, real, and honest. I'm not afraid to tell him when I am angry and confused. I am not afraid to tell him that I do not want to worship him. And right now I am not afraid to tell him that I am scared as hell. I have nothing to put hope in except for Christ. And it's freaking scary!!

In yesterday's reading from MUFHH (hehehehe that looks funny) it said "Nothing Jesus Christ ever said is common sense, it is revelation sense, and it reaches the shores where common sense fails. Faith must be tried before the reality of faith is actual. 'We know that all things work together for good.' then no matter what happens, the alchemy of god's providence transfigures the ideal faith into actual reality."

And also: "To turn head faith into a personal possession is a fight always, not sometimes. God brings us into circumstances in order to educate our faith, because the nature of faith is to make its object real."

I still want to be a Christian who is real and honest. Somehow I want to care about poeple who the church dismisses. I want people to say "you're a Christian? you're not like other Christians I've met" and the wonder why. And then somehow I want to show them who Christ really is. But I still wonder if I really know....

I read John 6 yesterday. It's full of teaching that confused a lot of people and even made some of Jesus's disciples decide to stop following. I wonder why Jesus did that. If he wants people to be saved and believe why did he teach something that would made some turn away? Something is think about. . .

Post #200

So apparently this is my 200th post. Break out the champagne...(I wish)

I went grocery shopping today and bought good, healthy stuff. Lettuce, broccoli, sprouts, etc. I'm going to eat healthy if it kills me (which is I guess the reason I want to eat healthy so that I avoid the killing part by eating chips and drinking soda). I worked out 3 times last week. I'm going to work up to 4-5 times. This belly of mine has got to go. I think I lost a little bit of weight lately; my jeans seem to be fitting a little loose. Here's to eating right for your blood type (whether it really works or not, it's easy to follow).

It is like 75 degrees outside here. That's way too warm for the end of October. I want to wear sweaters and a coat. It's supposed to be 50 tomorrow but that's still too warm for almost being November.

When I went grocery shopping I also had to buy comfort food, or beverage rather. Double chocolate hot cocoa which I will make with milk (the thought of making it with soy milk is too disgusting) and flavor with a tiny bit of peppermint schnapps. ;-)
I believe I will also eat some popcorn.

Last night I realized that even though I'm sad and wish I wasn't here, I am not as desperate as the other girl who moved out here to be with a guy. All she cares about is finding a husband. I've worked with her the last few nights and I'm just like "oh my gosh you're never going to find someone if you're obsessed about it." Ok I won't say that but I want to.
I mean, yes I'm disappointed and a little more sad than I really want to be but if I have to be single for a long time still (I figured I was going to be anyway) then I know I'll be ok. I'll work for awhile, pay off my bills, go to med school or PA school and be fine. I'll be happy again someday. Someday I will stop thinking of Dave and stop thinking of four little kids who I really wish I could buy birthday and christmas presents for. Someday I'll be fine. Better than fine. I'll be great. I'll be happy again.

Something I forgot to mention about the hot cocoa. . .there's also Redi-Whip. I've never actually bought Redi-Whip before. . .it's not too bad.

ok it's a little late but. . .

The Cardinals WON! They WON!!! The St. Louis Cardinals are the World Series Champions!!!!
Ok I'm a couple of days late on that one but as happy as I am the last few days have just made me sad. Or. . I've just been sad. Nothing besides what has been making me sad for the last few months is continuing to make me sad.

Ok so I'm excited about the Cardinals winning.

I have a couple of job applications to send in for a few places. And there are a couple of places I am going to send resume to. I have the day off tomorrow so I can spend some time working on that.

I went to a new church today. It wasn't too bad. The music team wasn't really that great. . .but I liked the sermon and the attitude of it. There was a good mix of ...oh who am I kidding it was ok but I really miss my church in Colorado. I really liked it there. And I was getting to the point where I wanted to get more involved and get to know people at the church. I liked the worship team and the good mix of singing worship songs and hymns, doing readings, taking communion with bread (not the thin yucky wafers) and wine (and juice for those who want juice) and just the freedom I felt there.

8 more months and I can move. I want to go back to Colorado. I miss it a lot.

But until then I know I'll be fine here. I'll try to find a new job so I can start paying off credit cards and make plans to eventually go back to school. I will keep going to church and make the best of it.

You know as alone as I am here I don't really want to get to know people here or make this home...I just want to be able to leave when I can. There's just too many bad memories here. But somehow I will make the best of it while I am here.

conflicted

I'm conflicted.

The music minister at dave's church (i.e. the girl he was interested in before me and who he's such good friends with) has never been anything but nice to me. In fact, the day after my rant about seeing his van at her apartment she sends me this nice, reaching out myspace message (i knew I should've stuck with not signing into it anymore). She said it was good to see me at church, and invited me to a couple of things with the single girls' group and said she'd been thinking of me and praying for me because she knows it must be hard being here where I don't really know anyone.

I sent her a message back. I told her I appreciated her message. It was nice. . .but why does she have to be so nice? And why can't I just stop thinking that there's some evil motive? Oh yeah becuase I"m me and apparently I'm a nutso freak. And then I just beat myself up over and over again because as much as I want to be gracious, loving, and ok I just. . .can't. I'm trying so hard, but .... sometimes I just still want to scream and throw things.

I'm conflicted, I don't want to dislike her, she's a perfectly nice person but at the same time all I can think of is what if he still likes her? What if he always did but convinced himself not to? He told me that because of her position in the church and her wanting to get her credentials (something like getting ordained in the AG church) she can't marry anyone who's divorced but would that really get in the way if they didn't let it? What if the whole time he was with me he just wanted me to be a marry-able version of her? What if (again) I was just the girl in between?

I keep finding out things about myself that I don't like. Thinking things like this is one of them....

OH MY GOSH

I just realized I had three posts yesterday. dang.

Anyway. The Cardinals are ONE game away from winning the World Series!!!!!! OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!
They play one more time in St. Louis...I hope they win tomorrow so that way they can win at Busch Stadium!!! The World Series!!! OH MY GOSH!!! I'm so excited!!!!

Unwinding

I just got off of work and I'm unwinding. It was a fun night.

There is one Christian band that I will for some reason always love: Jars of Clay. And it took me awhile to like them. I didn't until I saw them at Mississippi Nights in St. Louis, a good five years after their first CD came out. There is something about their music and lyrics that have always just kept me hooked. Today I downloaded their latest album and I love it. And I also downloaded "Redemption Songs" and love that too.
They were supposed to be in Wichita but the concert was canceled I guess...next week they're going to be at House of Blues in LAS VEGAS. Man! I wish I could go. That would be so awesome.

And I have a confession. . .there's a Casting Crowns song I love too. It's called Praise You in this Storm. I really like it, I admit. . .Yes that would be me admitting to liking a VERY Christian music industry song. EEK! ;-) (that's what I get for dating a guy who works at a christian radio station) And there are other songs I like...sometimes I even listen to the radio station. double EEK!

Today was a pretty good day. Today it was overcast, a little rainy, and the most "fallish" (thanks to Val for that word) it's been so far. It was great even thought I was stuck inside most of the day. And now it's all foggy and dark and makes me think of campfires and drinking hot cocoa. Speaking of hot cocoa, I bought some french vanilla cocoa which is pretty good. I realized later that what I really want is peppermint cocoa. And if it's peppermint schnapps it's even better!

In my previous post I wrote about how in the book I'm reading it talks about taking up your cross and I thought about it and ended up writing this:

"There is wonder & amazement
There is fear & trembling
There is a light shining in the eyes of your child
There is mystery & wanting
There is hiding, shouting, & silence
There is confusion & understanding
There is standing still & dancing
Right here in the heart of this child."

I got out of the habit of writing after I dropped out of GC and I've always wanted to get back into it. Maybe I will.

Oh and the Cardinals game was rained out. Bummer. St. Louis is up 2 games to 1! WOOHOO!!!!!

Trying to let go

I didn't want to put stuff about my pursuit of Jesus and trying to let go of all the anger and self-condemnation I am going through right now in the post about me being angry about seeing his stupid mini-van and wanting desperately to go kick it (ok maybe not just kick it I did have keys in my hand). I didn't go anywhere near it though. I'm not as crazy as the cheated-on girl in the Carrie Underwood song (which I hate btw). Anyway. . .

I started reading The Signature of Jesus by Brennan Manning. I've had the book for awhile and read some of it but never finished. It talks a lot about the crucified Christ. The battered, sweating, bleeding crucified Christ and the wisdom and power of it.

One of the things mentioned about experiencing the power and wisdom of the cross is the courage to accept & take up our own cross.

Our own wounds, our own limitations, our own personality defects, the damage people have done to us from the beginning of life until today; the pain of the human condition as we have personally experienced it: this is our true cross. . . .in his passion and death, Jesus has experienced my pain and yours and made it his own. What happens in this encounter with the Crucified is that we enter into something that has already happened, our union with Jesus and all that it implies; his taking unto himself our pain, anxiety, fears, shame, self-hatred, and discouragement(The Signature of Jesus, page 61-62).

I want so much to believe that and accept that. I made something yesterday to help remind me that "My sin, not in part but the whole, is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more" (the hymn, It Is Well with My Soul). I took some scrapbooking paper I had bought at some point and ripped a cross out of it. I wanted the edges to be rough and uneven, not perfect (like me). I glued it to another piece of paper. Then around the edges of the cross I wrote that verse from the hymn. Inside the cross I put my sins and problems I deal with. Next I took red paper (symbolizing the blood of Christ) and put torn pieces around the cross and wrote "it is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more." Then I crumbled it up a little. It's rough, unperfect, and messed up a bit (like me).

I'm NOT perfect. I never claim to be. My faith is real, honest (even if that honesty means saying I am discouraged and angry), and ever-changing. I am HIS. I am His child. If I want to sit in silent contemplation during worship, I will. If I want to stand up and raise my hands I will. No one is allowed to dictate what is the right way for me to worship and make me feel badly if I do something different. I want to strive to be the kind of follower of Christ who is an example of his acceptance and love. I want to accept people that the church sees as outcasts and beyond repair.

There's a new church I'm going to try on Sunday. I'm looking forward to it.

Fall doesn't exist in Kansas

Inspired by Val's post about October and Halloween, I decided to seek after some nature to see if I could find October in Kansas. I drove to El Dorado State Park. It wasn't much of anything. Just a bunch of campgrounds. I didn't stay long. The closest I came to finding whatever it was I was looking for was a little park in town. It had a bridge over a large creek (or small river, however you want to look at it). The trees were green and yellow with the sun coming down through the gaps of the branches. I took a couple of pictures.
But even that did no good at getting me out of my funk. All I could think about was the mountains and how the really tall ones have snow on them now. If I was still in CO, I could drive to my old church and see Mt. Evans looming in the distance with the smaller mountains all around it. I could see the Aspen trees all around with their changing leaves. I could have experienced the first snow that happened this past week.

But no, I am here. Right now even on pretty days, everything is just dull and brown. Some of the trees turn red but most of the time they are just yellow and there are still alot of them that are green. And it's supposed to get up to 70 degrees today.

Yesterday as hard as I tried not to be, I was angry. I'm really angry at myself. I'm trying not to be angry at him but it's hard, last night especially. I was doing laundry and had to see that he's at my apartment complex playing tennis. My apartment complex also happens to be the apartment complex of the girl that he dated before I came along. Well dated, thought about dating, never actually dated, whatever; he was interested in her. She's the music director at his church. And of course, she's one of the perky, perfect Christian girls. The type that he said he was glad I wasn't but started to get the impression that he would rather me be that way. And then after I went to work out in the fitness room (and stayed a bit to watch the Cardinals game), I stupidly walked over to see that his van was still in the parking lot, which means he stayed to hang out. I hated that. I hate that he was hanging out with the girl that he said he would have had to change so many things about himself to be with. I hated that they probably had the Cardinals game on and he was watching it with her (ok and to be fair with her sister too, they live together). Who cares that she's probably only watching it because he's into it. And the only thing I was thinking was that if I end up being the girl in between again I will be even more angry. I was the mistake Justin made before realizing who he really wanted to be with (and was with before me). And if I end up being that with Dave I just. . .I don't know. I won't like it. When I first got out here, I felt like he seemed to care a lot about what she thought of his relatinship with me. And even though he'd say things like she didn't know how to be friends with him without sometimes going into flirting with him, he always seemed to make sure he was talking to her when she was around. There was a pool party at someone's house one day that we went to and he talked to her more than me. He barely came near me.

I have been struggling again with how I'm not the perfect little perky Christian girl. I had gotten to a point where I thought I was ok with it. I was getting to be more and more comfortable with who I was. And up until I got here, that seemed to be ok with Dave. He liked that I was real and honest about who I was. He liked that I would go dancing at a bar and watch a lot of different kind of movies. But then almost from the first Sunday I went to his church it wasn't ok anymore. It was like he didn't believe me when I said that going to a new church is the hardest thing for me to do, especially a church where everyone wants to see Dave's new girlfriend. I'm shy and it takes awhile for me to open up. He wasn't willing to let me go about it at my own pace. He wanted me to go about it the way he would have and when I didn't I (to my face) was compared to his ex-wife. There were a couple of times that happened. One day when he was frustrated he was being a little short with his kids and said to me "if she was here, she would get on to me about that, because it's not their fault I'm upset and shouldn't take it out on them." All I could think was "well in case you didn't notice, she's not here and I'm NOT HER." Unfortunately like so many other times I didn't say anything. I knew things like that would come up but didn't know how hard it would really be to handle them.

I didn't speak up. There were so many times I wanted to but I didn't. I chickened out. I realize that he doesn't want a woman who is going to be partner to him, he wants a woman who is going to be the perfect image he has in his mind of what a woman should be. And I think good old music director is going to have a hard time of living up to that too.

I'm not saying all this to continue to make him the bad guy...it is just me needing to process. And quite honestly I have no idea what to think because all he's given me to go by is the fact that apparently I'm the last person in the world he wants to speak to and would rather me not exist.

Where's a gay tour of Tuscany when you need it?

I'm watching Under the Tuscan Sun. It always makes me want to go to Italy. Right now I'd do anything to be able to just pick up and go somewhere. At this point I just wish I had the money to go to Kansas City. I want to go to Nordstrom and get a pomegranate lemonade. Unfortunately I don't have enough money for gas.

As hard as I try to not be sad, it doesn't seem to work very well. Sometimes it does; sometimes I can get a glimpse of the person I was before all this happened. The person who was becoming more and more content, hopeful, and joyful. Then the realization that I am a stupid idiot comes back and I wonder if the person who was getting to be happy will ever come back again.
Everytime I wake up I am reminded of why I am here and what happened. And now the guilt has set in. Guilt over things I did wrong, including wanting to blame him for everything. I wanted to be able to be loving and gracious about the whole thing but I wasn't. I became angry and bitter. And worse of all, I have lost someone who for years was so important to me.

I need to find a new job. I got a call about the Walgreens job; they are going to keep looking for someone with pharmacy tech experience. They did say that if they don't find anyone they are going to call me first to see if I am still interested. I haven't been too seriously looking for a job...I need to but part of me is afraid that if I do find a good enough job (one that will pay me enough that I can pay off credit cards) it will be harder for me to leave. It would be dumb of me to leave a well-paying job if I did find one, even if it would be just something to hold me over until I can go back to school. I really don't think I want to stay here. I miss Denver. Of course, I have always wanted to live in NYC. Maybe if I do well enough on the MCAT I can pursue going to NYU. Who knows. I wish I could find something before the holidays; I'd have a better chance of not having to work on Thanksgiving and Christmas if I had a M-F office type job. One of my biggest fears right now is that I will have to spend Thanksgiving alone. Somehow I have to be able to go home for Christmas.

Right now all I can think of is the things I want that I can't have. I want to travel, but I can't. I want to buy a camera so I can take pictures, but I can't. I want to get the hell out of Kansas but I can't.

I also want to stop feeling sorry for myself but right now I can't. I want to be able to actually believe I have been forgiven for the mistakes I made in my relationship with Dave, for the anger I did not control very well, and believe God has some kind of plan for me. I am still trying my best to seek after God and hold on to this faith thing. I bought My Utmost for His Highest and Confessions of St. Augustine the other day. I am trying to read the Bible. And trying to pray. It's so hard. Especially because it seems the only thing I can pray is "why" and "help." I just keep trying to talk to Jesus. I end up in tears most of the time. I don't understand any of this still.

There's a line in a Jars of Clay song that I seem to keep repeating, "I won't give up on giving you a chance to blow my mind." I've been waiting around for the last 25 years believing God is real and is somehow capable of more than I can ask for or imagine but lately. . .it seems impossible. I guess I'll go on trying to believe something good is possible. I hope soon I won't be so sad. Only 8 more months until my lease is up and I can leave. And if my mom says a lot could happen between now and June I think I may scream.

Oh yeah baby

The Cardinals did it! They are going to the World Series! The last game was so exciting!!!! I had my eyes glued to my computer shouting "DON'T BLOW IT!" The Mets got a run in the first inning, then the Cardinals got one in the 2nd. Then no one scored until the Cards got 2 runs in the 9th. It was scary though; the Mets ended up with bases loaded and one of their best hitters up to bat. But he struck out! WOOHOO! My parents called during the bottom of the 9th so I got to share my excitment with my dad.

Ok so, they may not be able to beat Detroit but. . .I'm still so proud of them! They did it!!!!!!

Fun stuff

The musical Hairspray is here in Wichita for a few days. The cast and crew are staying at the hotel and we got free tickets from the company that presented the show! Originally I was supposed to work 3-11 but I went in early at 1 and then left early to go to the show!
It was SO good. It is so funny and the music is great; exciting and full of energy. I highly recommend it.

And the Cardinals won last night!!!!! One win away from the World Series! I hope they make it!

Walgreens

I had a job interview yesterday at Walgreens for a position as a pharmacy technician. The interview went well. I should hear about it in a couple of days. I will probably still work at the hotel; I won't be making too much more at the pharmacy than I am at the hotel. But it would be a good opportunity. Once I'm certified I can make a little more and once I get enough experience, I can work at a hospital. Plus when I can go back to school it'll look good that I've been doing something medical related.
I hope I get it.

I started thinking about taking the MCAT again. There's a test in January but that doesn't give me enough time to review so I'd take it in April. I just keep thinking I want to at least see how I can do. I think Grey's Anatomy is having a negative influence on me. . .keeps making me think I still want to be a doctor. ;-) Definitely don't want to be a surgeon though. Maybe a pediatrician...I've always wanted to work with children with cancer and other life-threatening illnesses.

I guess we'll see.

Go CARDS!

the cardinals are in the national league championship series against the mets. i'm sure many people thought the mets would just sweep the cards (they've done a lot better) but the cards won last night and are up 5-0 tonight! I really wish I could watch the games1 It's driving me nuts!!!!
If they go to the world series I may just have to go to a sports bar to watch the games. Somehow I'll watch them!

And try not to think about how if I was still dating Dave we'd be watching at his house.

GO CARDS!

Immediately after writing that last post I just feel stupid. I mean who cares that I had a relationship that didn't work out? A lot of worse things have happened; people have gone through a lot worse...see that's the logical part of me.

I mean yes it still sucks. And a lot of times the illogical part overrides the logical.

I'll work on it.

One part logic, 2 parts very illogic

I've always had a hard time being ok with my circumstances. Even though sometimes I can find some good in things most of the time I just sit and think of how much everything sucks.
This is no exception. The logical part of me is saying that I will be fine, I will make the best of this situation, and I will someday get to have the whole family thing.

However, the very illogical part of me is feeling like my life is a very bad country song. Or a romantic comedy (or drama maybe) without the happy ending. In other words, my life is what really happens. My life is the real life situation. Girl falls for boy, boy decides he doesn't want girl and then cuts her completely out and makes girl feel like the stupidest person in the world.

Right now I am feeling very helpless and hopeless. I can't get the kind of job I want until I can go back to school which I can't do until I get my credit cards paid off. Which I can't do while I'm making only $8 an hour. And unfortunately my hopeless feeling is making me very unmotivated to look for another job. Especially because I have no idea what kind of job I want.

I'm lonely. I miss him. I don't like sitting at my apartment alone watching (again) the 1st & 2nd seasons of grey's anatomy. And I may have to start gilmore girls all over again too. I miss going to his house, eating dinner with him and the kids and just being around. I miss watching movies with him and talking to him.

Except he couldn't handle me actually being around. It was fine when I was just on the phone, but actually having me around ruined his routine and he couldn't handle it. All the talk about how even when things weren't perfect, he would love me anyway was all crap.

I just feel like my whole life is messed up. I messed up. And here I am all alone trying to fix it. I am trying really hard to keep depending on God. I don't have anything else to depend on. Even when I'm basically yelling at him, I try to keep talking.
It's really hard to believe he's listening. The whole faith thing hasn't been too easy for a really really long time.

It's hard sitting back watching all my friends getting married, and having families, and having homes. They didn't mess up by dropping out of school, racking up a bunch of debt, and moving somewhere only to feel like the whole world just is laughing at them. I thought back in January & February that things were starting to get better. Dave coming along was just another good thing to happen.

I know I kept saying that no matter what happened I was glad to have him in my life again but I lied. I don't like this at all. I would have rather just stayed internet buddies with him. . .every once in awhile, just an e-mail saying hi and giving an update. But then there were a lot of good times...I don't know what I think.

I saw him today in traffic. I drove past him. I have the tendency to pay attention to minivans lately. . .and saw him. I wanted to call him but I couldn't. I can't. He doesn't want to talk to me. He doesn't want me at all. He just wants to pretend I don't exist.

I just wish I could stop crying.

this sucks.

missing birthdays

I've never been good at remembering birthdays. But today I remembered that there are four birthdays that I wanted so much to remember and now I will miss.
It's just a little thing but I'm going to miss the kids' birthdays. One is next month. The others are in January, Feburary, & March. And I will miss them. I had already been excited about buying presents and maybe even making a cake. But not now.

Overall I'm not doing too bad. I'm lonely. I think I like work just because it puts me around people so I don't go nuts being alone.

I still want to call him up but I'm getting better at talking myself out of it. I really want to talk to him this week because the radio station's shareathon is going on and it's a stressful week for him and I just want to make sure he's doing ok.

I wanted to call him when the cards won last night which means they are going to the national league championship. And I know I'm going to want to call him to talk about the games...they're playing the mets who did a lot better than them so I don't know how well the Cards will do.

Oh and in my attempt to replicate the pomegranate lemonade, I went to Panera, bought some lemonade and was going to add the juice BUT I couldn't find pomegranate juice anywhere! I went to three stores. Target had the POM pomegranate tea but not just the juice. Where is Whole Foods when you need it? I'll have to keep looking for somewhere that actually carries it around here. Kansas is a little behind on some things.

ok that's all, time for bed.

Fried mashed-potato cones

I forgot to write about the wonderful fried mashed-potato cones at the brewery where I ate last weekend. They were the best part! And they were just these little cones of fried mashed potatos seasoned somehow. . .not sure with what. But they were soooo good! I could've eaten a whole plate of them.

AND before I drove back to KS I stopped at Nordstrom in St. Louis. And at their little coffee shop they had pomegranate lemonade. Oh my gosh, it was one of the most wonderful things I have ever drank. I may have to try to replicate it.

And it's official. . .I HAVE to start eating better and working out. I have to. I'm tired of clothes not fitting me. I decided this when I went to try on bras. It's just frustrating. So I figure I'll go back to my blood-type diet and exercise somehow...it's still nice enough here I can go to the park and walk. My apartment complex also has a little workout room. Even if I just lose like 20 pounds I'll be happy. Plus I'll double my wardrobe. I have a bunch of clothes that are too small. Including a lot of winter stuff. So it would just be good all around for me. Plus I have too much potential to blow up since it seems like I just sit around a lot nowadays. I'll just take it slow and easy...I don't want to be obsessed about it. But I know that it'll be good for me. I will take better care of myself; and hopefully fit into some clothes I haven't fit in for awhile.

And plus. . .maybe it'll be a distraction. And for a little bit I'll forget about things.

Baseball, Beer, & Quilts

I had a good trip.

I treated myself to a hotel room on Friday night (complete with room service Saturday morning). I hung out with Kyle & Sarah; we went to a restaurant on Laclede's Landing in St. Louis. We ate these wontons filled with duck and sampled a few different kinds of beers that the restaurant brews. A few of them weren't too bad, but it was still beer. We walked around a little bit and went over to the arch. I like the arch.
The baseball game was fun. Mom and I had a good time. I bought a shirt and nachos. OH MY GOSH. I just realized I forgot the souvenir cup that I bought. Bummer. The game wasn't exciting until the 7th inning when Milwaukee got 2 runs. Then everyone was losing hope. The Cardinals kept getting on base but couldn't get any runs. Then in the 8th inning, we got 3! Woohoo! I was glad we won. Then mom and I went to Steak-N-Shake. I miss that place.

After craving mexican food for a few weeks, I finally got some. Mom and I went out to lunch. The restaurant was right next to the bar where Dave and I (and other people too) went after his sister's wedding reception. It's where we danced to Brown-Eyed Girl. It was fun. I smiled about it which made me happy. I don't want to remember things like that and only feel sad.

Oh! The Dairy Queen has frozen hot chocolates! I was so excited. I love them and most dairy queens don't have them anymore.

Then my mom decided that it was time for me to learn how to quilt. I have a quilt top made up of quilt blocks that women in my family made for the annual Pig Roast. I won the quilt but never actually made it. The top was put together so now I'm going to finish it. The blocks are from 1993. It only took 13 years to start. Better late than never. Maybe it won't take 13 years to finish. ;-)

I got my hair done before I left. It's dark. . .like Catherine Zeta-Jones dark. Definitely have the sultry brunette thing goin.

Driving so much alone gives you a lot of time to think. I thought about how over the last few months I have been very quick to want to blame Dave for a lot of stuff. Well, for everything. I made my own mistakes when it came to our relationship. I was being very unfair.

I am going to get more serious about finding a new job and get more serious about figuring out how to trust God with my life. I know it's going to be difficult but I have to. Things never seem to work out too well when I try to do things my own way.

Ok time to get ready for work. Ugh.