Monday, January 24, 2005

Woohoo!!!

I'm in a play! I am playing a senator. It's going to be cool. The play is called The Curious Savage. I haven't read it all yet but it seems really cool. I'm so excited. I've always wanted to be in a play and I always felt like I never had a chance. And now I do! I'm so excited! I said that already didn't I? :)
I've been feeling so good today. And really for the last week. I'm not messing with my medicine anymore. I really don't think it was doing much. I've been motivated to do school work (well for the most part) and I've been eating better and exercising. It's fun!
Ok that's all for now. It's so weird being in a good mood. I like it. I hope it lasts and when things aren't so great, I hope I can work through it. I think I'll be able to. We'll see.

:)

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

I annoy the. . .

crap out of myself. Just as I thought I wouldn't think about a certain guy and gotten past my 2 seconds of thinking I might like him, the thoughts come back. He's funny, nice, and he's not a super-Christian who's so outgoing that he doesn't remember the people he meets. He can talk to people without being annoying. But other than those things I don't know anything about him. I never have the chance to hang out with him except when the whole "crew" is hanging out. And then it's this little exclusive group of 3: him, his roommate, and one of my roommates. Everyone else is there but not quite in the club.
I'm a cool person, I'm worth liking. Of course even if we did get to know each other, I don't think that it would the right time for anything. I'm still working through stuff (btw, have I mentioned that I have been feeling wonderful the last week or so?) and trying to focus on school. He seems to be figuring out stuff too. And really into just having fun and partying a lot. He does like to drink. . .but oh well, so do I. :) But I'm all about the moderation, I promise.
He seems like he'd be hard to get to know really. Of course I am too. I don't know. I won't worry about it (or at least I'll try) and whatever happens, happens.

Monday, January 17, 2005

Too much thinking

One thing that happens to me when I get to thinking too much is that I am unable to fall asleep. Tonight is one of those nights. So until my doctor-prescribed sleeping pill kicks in I decided to write.
I had a good chat this evening with one of my roommates. Nice, good, honest talk. That kind of sharing I can handle.
One thing I can't handle is what happened Friday night. I went to this little get together at a guy's house (I know him through my roommates). For the most part it was fun, we talked, laughed, ate, and played cards. But also a part of the evening was going to be a time of sharing. Like sharing what was going on in our lives. I knew 4 people there and I didn't know them very well. All the rest were ones I didn't know at all. I was very uncomfortable. Two people that I knew were also uncomfortable with the idea of talking about their lives with complete strangers. So we bolted. One girl brought up watching Superman movies and at that point anything sounded better than that so we took off. It took us two Blockbusters to find all four movies, but we found them. So we watched two and then ended up staying up until 6 am and then slept until 11 am. It was great even though the people that we had gone with to the party weren't too thrilled at us bailing :). We laughed about it a lot. All three of us would have been massively uncomfortable.
To quote one of my favorite movies: "Life is a pain in the ass." It really is. The last few months have been hell. I don't know what this semester is going to hold. I am constantly thinking about my life and what kind of life I want to live. I am always contemplating what it means for me to be a Christian and what I believe about God. Tonight I realized (again) that I can't give it up. It's too much a part of me. And my faith is different than others. I want to be open and honest and compassionate. I want to know that God can work in many different ways. I think Jesus reveals himself to me in ways I do not expect. He knows my struggles and right now conventional ways of revelation (like the Bible and intense prayer) don't seem to affect me. Maybe the revelations I experience now will lead me to those once again but until then, he is reaching me through things that happen with people I know, with conversations, and with seemingly random experiences.
I am slowly realizing the strength I have and the person that I am. In turn I think that it will help me to realize the person of Jesus.
So those are the thoughts I have at 3 am. My pill is beginning to kick in so I think I will now cuddle up with my covers and sleep for a long time. No school tomorrow yayayayay!

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

I'm back

Well I am back in CO. I could've written during break but I didn't.

This semester is going to be interesting, I think. I am in Anatomy, Chemistry, and Bioethics. Also I am going to take voice lessons. I think it'll be a good balance. I really hope this semester goes better than last semester. I am really going to try to work hard and get it all together.
Today was our first chapel. It was just praise and worship. I couldn't participate. Right now I'm so out of it when it comes to things having to do with God. I about went nuts having to be around my parents over break. They're always talking about something having to do with church, faith, etc. But they're all charasmatic about it and I get so sick of it. I have tried that stuff before and I didn't have a good experience. Mom is always talking about trusting God about everything and just praying about whatever is going on. And I'm sick of it. I can't trust God with my life. I don't know how. One song we sang was about giving God our dreams and the only thing I could think was that I didn't have any dreams to trust God with, in my mind he took them all away. I mean right now I have nothing to look forward to. After last semester I don't think medical school will happen. So now what?
Who knows. Stuff with school, God, and my whole life is just crazy.
It will probably always be crazy. I still don't want to completely give up but I don't know if I have the motivation to try to get anything figured out. The faith of my parents is not what I want. It doesn't appeal to me at all. the emotional crap is just not my thing. I can't depend on it. I have before and it just lets me down.

You know I always think of things I want to write about but then I always forget when I start writing. Oh well.