Wednesday, August 30, 2006

making this life work

I think the thing that makes this so hard is not necessarily losing him (even though that definitely does suck), is that I am so alone here. I uprooted my whole life. Right now it's hard even thinking that it was worth it. I mean is the whole thing about it is better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all really true? It doesn't feel like it. I mean the the relationship didn't even last 3 months. I just don't know if all this, falling in love, moving, all this hurt, was even worth it. I could've stayed in CO and been fine. I mean even if I would have found him again was it worth it to even get to know him and fall for him? I just don't know. No point in worrying about that now.

I had an actual good conversation with him the other day. I told him that even if I would've waited to move we might have been going through all this anyway, it would've just taken longer for the rose-colored glasses to come off. I still look back at everything and I don't think I would've done anything differently. I really really thought. . .

I've been good about trying to go to the park and walk and play tennis although it gets old playing by yourself. And I get frustrated when I can't even get the ball across the net. Oh well.
I treated myself to double stuff, chocolate creme Oreos...I realized it is fun to put milk in a martini glass to dunk the oreos.

I have to find a different job. The hotel just doesn't pay enough and it's not going to do me any good. I may try to stay there part-time. It would just mean some extra money for one thing.
I have to get serious about getting my life together out here. It means finding a well-paying job, deciding what to do about going to grad school, and stop depending on my parents for help. I hate that I still have to get money from them. I hate that I know I have paid $20,000 a year for an education that has led me to work for $8 an hour. Ok I know that is a little typical but still I don't want to do that. I have to find a better job and get this whole adult life in order.
I have to be ok. I have to find a life here. At least for now.

Right now there's only one reason for me to stay here and that's the reason I can't think of (getting back together with him). Since I'm here I may as well plan on possibly going to grad school here. I'd be able to get resident tuition. If I go somewhere else like back to Colorado I'd have to wait (to get in-state tuition) or pay an arm and a leg to go.

I realize there isn't anywhere I really want to live unless it's here with Dave someday or I want to go back to Colorado. Ok maybe I'd want to live in NYC but I could never afford to live there.

I think it's time for the park. My arm hurts from playing tennis so I think I may just have to walk.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Small

It is amazing how something so small can end up just making you fall apart all over again.
And that thing is the fact you are no longer at the top of someone's list on their stupid myspace profile. It was like getting punched. And just made me start crying again and feeling like I couldn't breathe.

I hate this. I hate feeling like I'm doing better but then I look around and I realize you are ALL ALONE. I moved to freakin Kansas for a relationship that didn't even last 3 months. And he is somehow ok. He's not wallowing or thinking about me. He doesn't have time. I do though. I have a lot of time to wallow. I have time to remember that I gave up mountains and TOTT (restaurant) and an awesome church to be with someone who now doesn't even want me. And I'm sitting here so alone just wishing I could hear his voice again. Wishing I could feel his arms around me again. Wishing I could hear him tell me he loves me.

This sucks.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Bored

Ok I really am doing better and feeling better about everything except right now I'm just really really really really bored.

I have TOO much time to just sit, be bored, and think. And I don't like it.

And right now the one thing I want to do is call him up and ask if he knows that the Cardinals are tied with the Cubs in the bottom of the 8th inning. There's no one else to be excited about the score of a baseball game with.

When we first started talking I told him that I'd probably never actually call him. . I'd be too nervous. I'd stare at my phone having an argument in my head about whether I should call him or not. That never happened until now.

I need to figure out how to occupy my time. It gets tiring watching episode after episode of Gilmore Girls and Friends. I went to work this morning at 6, finally left a little after 3, came home, took a nap and then just sat around doing nothing.

There's a lot of stuff I want to do. At some point I want to go to the Little House on the Prairie cabin. It's only like 125 miles away! That'll be exciting. I'd go tomorrow since I have the day off but I wouldn't have enough money for gas, so I'll have to wait on that one.

I do need to finish reading Pride & Prejudice and Lord of the Rings. . .and I haven't read my Little House books yet this year. I always try to get through those every year (I will never get tired of those books).
Maybe I should start trying to write one of my own.

I could start knitting a scarf for someone for Christmas. I have red yarn left over from one I started last year.

And I do need to clean my apartment. Maybe I'll get around to that tomorrow. And go play tennis again.

I know there are so many people who would love to have as much free time as I do right now. I'd do anything to have more to occupy my time.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Feeling better

I'm feeling a lot better. A LOT better. I realized that I had a really bad attitude about all this. I was behaving like something really bad had happened to cause Dave & I to break up. It had nothing to do with us not liking each other anymore or even us deciding we were totally wrong for each other. It is just a matter of it not being the right time for us to continue the relationship.
I also had the attitude that he was doing things to purposely make me mad which is also not the case. He still cares very deeply about me. We're both very disappointed about this. And we don't know what's going to happen.

Anyway so after I realized that I was having a very bad attitude about this I started feeling better. Work has been so fun. The last few days before work I went to the park and walked/ran(!) and played tennis. I made curtains (and hung them myself, yes that means I used a drill!) which I just realized one is longer than the other which is going to drive me nuts but not nuts enough to fix it. (ha!)

So yes, I am feeling better. I'm doing things to begin to feel at home here. I'm doing things on my own and living my own life. I know that it will take some time, but I think I will be ok here. I know I will be.

I talked to him today for a few minutes and it was a good conversation. We talked more like we had when we first met (well re-met). I know it'll take some time to be actually comfortable around each other but I think we could get to a point where we could be friends like we were before. We both still care about each other very much. We have too much history to just throw it all away.

So like I said I am doing a lot better. I feel like I'm starting to just have my own life here and more at peace with the situation.

Of course I still miss him, he's the first person I want to call when there's something I need to tell someone, and I miss his arms around me but I am feeling a lot better. I am starting to be happy. And it feels good. I was ok being single before I met him and I can go back to being ok again.

One of the things I love about living here is the thunderstorms. In Colorado, even with dark clouds and thunder there was no guarantee of rain. Here it's guaranteed. You can watch the clouds roll in, the thunder rumbling, and lightning flashing and know the rain is on its way. It's wonderful. I was so excited about last night's thunderstorm. It made me happy.

Seeing my curtains that I made on my own make me happy. Now if I can actually manage to get my apartment clean I will be really happy.

I wonder if anyone is on the tennis courts. . .

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Unglued

I hate being this unglued. Yesterday was a bad day. I don't even want to talk about it but it was a bad day.
And it only kept getting worse.

I didn't expect this to be so hard. And it's only a break-up! I know eventually I'll be fine but I just don't understand why this has to be so hard.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Stupid

I just feel stupid. I know that really I'm not but I feel like it. And I feel stupid because I feel like I have no choice but to have an "everything's about me" attitude. I liked getting away from that for a little while. I liked being able to do things for someone. But now. . .
I forgot people's anniversaries...there are people who are going through a lot worse than I am and I just make them hear about my pathetic life. Ok, yes, they care and they want to know. They know I'm hurting and want to be here for me. I admit it has been nice to feel cared for even from miles and miles away.
I still just feel selfish sometimes about it.

He won't be reading this anymore...he said I deserve to have a place to express how I feel in the way I want. Which is true, I do deserve it. But the problem is I want him to read this. I don't know why but I do.

Oh well.

You know one thing I do like about Kansas is the fact it actually rains here. In CO it would cloud up, thunder, and maybe even lightning but it would maybe sprinkle or rain for about 5 seconds. This morning I woke up to a wonderful rain storm. I stood outside and enjoyed it for awhile and let my toes get wet.
I'm off work Saturday; I think I'm going to try to go to a nearby state park. There are supposed to be some hiking trails. I like hiking. Maybe getting some time alone in nature will be helpful.

I don't understand why all this has happened. Everyday I have to wake up and make the choice to still trust God and whatever the hell he has planned for me. I'm sick sometimes of not knowing. And it's very hard to be friends with him right now (as tracie said) but I'm still going to try. I tried to find a church with a Sunday evening service last night. It's so overwelming! There are so many freakin churches here. I don't know where to begin. It really stinks to be back at a place where I have to find a church again. . .I loved Lookout Mountain. And I really liked Dave's church, for the most part. And there are a few people there that I was excited about getting to know but now. . .I don't know if I'd be comfortable going.

Ok i really need to get ready for work. I can't wait for my day off tomorrow.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

I didn't expect this

Yesterday I talked to Dave. He probably won't read this anymore which maybe isn't a bad thing. Something I wrote again made him upset. I still don't really understand why. I know he doesn't think I hate him...and I know he is upset about this. I also don't understand why he has talked to me the way he did. He sounded so angry and just like he couldn't stand me. I never meant anything that I've wrote to be hurtful or against him in anyway.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle this. I feel like there's some things we should talk about. I told him that but. . .he hasn't responded. I told him that I would stop bothering him. It just hurts so much to think that he would ignore me especially after he has said things that makes me believe he still wants to be my friend. I guess maybe I just overthink everything. So I'll just chill. . .leave it alone. Leave him alone until he's ready to talk.

It's just so hard to love someone so much and be so afraid to talk to them.

I feel like I'm doing better. Work has been good the last few days. I actually like working there I just don't make enough money. Tonight I went to the movies and saw Little Miss Sunshine. It was a movie at the Sundance Film Festival last year. It's wonderful! I highly recommend it! It's hilarious, off-the-wall, touching, and just great.

I know I'll be ok. I am still trying to figure all this out. Figure out what my life is now. I told my mom to stop telling me that she is sure we'll end up together. I can't think like that. Whatever promise she feels God has made to her, the same one hasn't been made to me. If it doesn't happen and I sat here believing it then it would just hurt so much more.

It sucks to know that it's not normal to talk to someone that you talked to everyday over the last few months. It's hard to think that anyone else could be as perfect for me than him. It's hard to not want to just always keep the picture of us on my desktop. I took it off but put it back on . . . I guess that's weird huh? I'm just not ready to get rid of it yet.

Tonight he got online and off real fast. .. it's hard not to think it was because he didn't want to have to talk to me. Especially when it says on myspace that he's online. But like I said I'm just going to leave him alone. If he wants to talk to me, then ok that will be fine. If not, then I am not going to bother him. I'll continue to pray for him and hope he's doing ok.

That's another thing I never got to do with him. Pray with him. We never once prayed together. I thought about that a week or so ago and decided I wanted to the next chance I got. . .I just never got another chance.

I miss my friend.

Friday, August 18, 2006

back to wallowing

Ok so I was doing fine until I tried to go to bed. Then I realized that today is the first time in just under 5 months that I haven't talked to him. Now the tears won't stop. Only 5 months. That's it. It only took 5 months for this to start, flourish, and fall apart.
I hate that I haven't heard his voice or seen his name on my buddy list today. I hate that I have no idea how his day went. I wish I could call him to say hi and see how he is today. But I can't. I'm afraid to. Even though I'm sure he's asleep by now what if he isn't? What if he answers and he sounds annoyed that it's me on the other end?
I keep remembering all the things we did together and the things we wanted to but never got to. I never got to dance with him again. I never got to go to a baseball game with him. I never got to go for walk with him after I got here. I never got to read to him like he said I could. I miss his arms around me and the look he had when he seemed so in love with me. I saw that look one time in the last. . .I don't know maybe 3 weeks, almost a week ago.

I miss him so much. The one person I want to talk to, be near, and cry on the shoulder of is the one person I can't.

Ok I'll try to go to bed now. I guess I should just get used to crying myself to sleep. I'm sure it'll be a normal thing for awhile.

Mexican food & margaritas

I have the tendency to want to make all my feelings public except to the person that it probably matters the most. I posted something yesterday but deleted b/c it ended up being more hurtful to Dave than I had intended (not necessarily what I wrote but the fact I was so willing to be public about it). Interestingly enough he ended up reading it before I could delete it anyway. Unlike he keeps saying I don't hate him. I can't even if I wanted to. He didn't do anything to hurt me except realize he wasn't ready for a relationship. We both had been so excited and so sure that the fact that we've broken up is hurting both of us.

Wednesday I was devastated and wallowing. Yesterday I was pissed. I was angry. Today has been a little better. There were a few times while driving back from the airport I almost started crying but later, especially after finding out I was still being considered for the job I interviewed for, I started feeling better. If I find a good enough job it would be easier for me to stay here. I still want to go somewhere for at least a few days. I wish I could go visit Val but I guess if I couldn't then I could go to Illinois.

So I knew eventually I'd go to the liquor store and get something to drink. I haven't drank since I've been here. I wanted to wait until I wasn't crying as much though. So, since today was a better day, tonight was mexican food & margarita night. So far I've had a couple of shots and just one margarita. And it's only like 5:30! I'll slow down and have another drink later. Good thing I don't have to be at work until 3 tomorrow! I'm also enjoying a movie, Grease. I wish I could be in a musical. If I was in Grease I'd want to be Rizzo cause she's so different than I am. Playing Sandy would be too easy. Ok so maybe given the fact that I've downed two tequila shots so far I'm not that different than Rizzo. HA! ;)

Tonight his radio station was hosting a Chris Rice concert before the AA baseball team's game. I had actually been looking forward to it all summer since I heard about it. I like Chris Rice. I'm a little sad that I have to miss out on it. Even if he said I still could come I'm not sure I would want to. I'd be there alone and I don't know how I'd handle seeing him. I talked to him yesterday and that was hard enough.

I miss him.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

I wanted to write more yesterday but I just couldn't. And now I am up early enough that I figured I'd sit down and get some stuff out before I have to go to work and make myself stop crying.
This sucks. This really sucks. My whole life has just been turned upside down and I have no idea how to make it right side up again. I am all alone out here. I thought maybe in time I'd get used to living here and grow to like it; that was when I had a reason to be here. Now there's nothing. The one person I know is the one person I can't talk to anymore. My one friend I had is the reason I am so upside down now.
So there's no one. Val invited me to come to visit her sometime. I may try to do that. I just feel so stuck here! I signed a freakin year lease for my apartment and now I'm stuck. I feel more stuck here than I did in Colorado. Except I'd do anything to be back there now. How crazy is that? I mean everything seemed to fall into place for me to move here and then I got here and then the shit hit the fan and it was all over it seemed before we could even catch our breath.
I hate this. I hate that here I am barely able to keep from crying, I'm devastated, I'm more alone now than I have felt in a really long time and he. . .he feels bad. He feels bad that he hurt little old Jodie. The little girl from camp.

He said he just wasn't ready for a relationship like he thought he was. I know he's been through a lot; I'm not diminishing what he's been through but it still really sucks.

And it's hard not to just be angry at myself for thinking something good was actually happening. I just feel so stupid. And now here I am stuck in Kansas. I'm starting completely from scratch and I have no idea how. I can't believe my mom when she says she still thinks we're meant to be together. I can't. I've done that before and it just hurts all the more when you know it really won't happen.

I can't believe this is happening. Funny, I said the same thing when it started.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Mediocre

I feel very mediocre today. I took the assessment tests for the job I interviewed for. I don't think I did very well. I've taken those kind of tests before but. . .these were more difficult and different than what I was used to. So I don't know how well I did.

Oh well. I guess I'll just stick with being at the hotel and get a part-time job as a waitress or something. I'm going to have to if I stay at the hotel. oh well.

I guess I'll keep looking. I feel like I'm too qualified for the job I have now but not qualified enough for jobs that would pay me what I need.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

A little tidbit of news

So I wonder what would be cheaper. Getting internet at my apartment or continuing to come to Panera. . .it's free but I always get something to eat or drink...hmmmm.....

The place I went to for an interview called me back to set up a time for me to take some tests. I have to test for Word, Excel, and typing. And some personality test or something. Yikes! That could be scary! HA!

I hope I can do well. This job would be a lot better than what I'm doing now. Working at the hotel isn't that bad really; I kinda like it, I just need to earn more money. And it would be nice to have a more normal schedule. I went in at 3 pm yesterday and was supposed to leave at 11 but didn't leave until after midnight. At least I got to take a dinner break. I've only been able to do that a couple of times. I never count on getting a lunch break or leaving when I'm supposed to. In fact I'm shocked when it happens.

I am (slowly) settling into life here. The other day I realized I was having the wrong attitude. I was telling myself that my life was on hold until I got more settled here. But I can't think like that. I mean, this is my life. It's happening. I can't have the attitude that I'll start living when I feel more at home. I had that attitude for so many years and I missed out on too much.

It's hard though.. ..I mean there are only so many times you can go shopping by yourself without buying something (and that's something I have to stay away from). And I don't have cable or internet so I've been watching Grey's Anatomy and Gilmore Girls on DVD. Except I only have one season of each of those so I'm getting through them pretty quick. I have to figure out more ways to occupy my time. Oh well I'll get there eventually.

I'll write about the job when I find out something. If I don't get it I'll just keep looking. If I stay at the hotel I'd have to get a second job. If I get this other job I may see if I could stay at the hotel just PT and work a few evenings or something.Who knows.

Ok bye!

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

So many thoughts

I have so many thoughts running around in my head that I don't know how to get them all out. And unfortunately my internet access is sketchy. . .today I'm at Panera (it's right down the road, score!!!!) but I can't come here too often or I will have no money.

Ok so the basics: I'm working at the hotel and the last two days have been the main shuttle van driver during my shift which means I get tips! Woohoo! I averaged about $20 a day the last two days. Woohoo! That means I have money for a few necessities and some bills as well.

I have an interview tomorrow at a dental insurance company. It's a sales assistant (mostly all administrative work) position and I'd get the kind of money I need which would be GREAT. So we'll see about that. Even though the hotel hasn't been that bad it doesn't pay enough and I'd love to avoid having to get two jobs.

Working has helped me feel better about being here. I didn't feel like myself (Dave definitely noticed) and just felt uneasy about everything. And I was being super clingy and needy because I don't really have my own life here yet. But, now, I'm feeling more settled and gaining back my independence. I'm not going to be hanging out at Dave's as much anymore. It was getting hard on both of us because on one hand we were really comfortable but at the same time our relationship is new enough we were missing out on dating each other and continuing to let our relationship grow.
It's hard though, because neither of us know how really! Neither of us have had too much experience with actually dating someone and having a good healthy relationship. So we're going to try not seeing each other as much which will mean we have to be diligent about making plans to get together and just enjoy dating one another instead of playing house.

And even though I'm ok with Dave's kids, I was starting to realize how much time it's going to take me for me to actually be ok with being a mom right away. I have a lot to learn. They're great kids. . .they surprise me a lot. Jonathan is adorable and as much as Dave probably hates that I do, I love picking him up and giving him a big hug or carrying him somewhere. It's hard to resist his big adorable eyes looking up and saying "I want you." A few days ago, Josh and I pretended we were laying underneath the stars and saw shooting stars and made wishes. Every couple of wishes, the wish would be for a hug or kiss, which the other would happily oblige. Katie has come over to my apartment to spend the night and we just have fun watching movies and getting away from the crazy boys and having girl time. And Caleb. . .well. . .he really is a great kid but life has dealt him a lot of crap early on that he'll be dealing with for a long time. Every once in awhile he'll surprise me and give me a hug.

I think no matter what happens, I'll be happy here. I'm glad I moved and have this chance.

I even like the AG church Dave goes to. It's not too bad. Sometimes on the verge of being too charasmatic for my taste but I like the pastor's sermons and I've met some people that I think I'd like to hang out with. In fact I get to go play tennis with Dave and another girl from church tonight.

Which means I must go now.

Write more soon.