Back again

It's been a very long time since I've posted anything here. I don't know if anyone will even read this but I've been feeling a little more bloggy lately (nice word huh?)

Life has been really good the last few months. I've had a wonderful summer. I went to New York in July and it was awesome (and HOT)! I also have a boyfriend now :-)
We started dating in April, two weeks after Easter. He is a guy from my church that I've seen off and on but never talked to. We met briefly around Christmas but then didn't talk again until Easter. He really is a great guy. We've spent the summer riding bikes, eating good food, watching movies, and just hanging out. Our first date was pretty much the most wonderful date I've ever been on. We ate Mexican food, went to a museum, walked around a park and along the river, and then finished the day at Old Chicago. It's just been great being with him. He even went to NYC with me :-)

But of course, there's always something that gets me worrying. First, he is 16 years older than me which doesn't come up except for the fact that I still have to go to grad school (or something) in order to get into my career. He's said that he's not sure if that's something he wants to deal with. It hasn't come up lately and we've gotten more serious so I'm not exactly sure where he stands on that issue. The 2nd thing (and most painful) is that he's nervous about my money situation. And I admit, it's bad right now. The last year has thrown me back in a downward spiral of spending and using my credit cards, which at one point I had all paid off. I've been kind of ignoring it, not wanting to face it, but it's come up several times and now I have no choice.

I have told him that I will get some help, because I know the spending is the result of some deeper issues. I just hate that this is something that will bring worry and apprehension to another person. Especially someone I care so much about.

So I may be writing about some of these things here. I'm going to try to be really good and only allow myself to spend a certain amount of money each week. And trust me, it's not a lot each week. I really do want to change...and not just for him, but for me as well. I'm not going to be happy with myself completely if I don't get out of this. I hope I can. (btw, he has been extremely sweet and non-judgmental about all this which is great)

We'll see what happens.

Oh depression...how I LOATHE thee, let me count the ways....

1) I can't get excited about anything...not even the trip to NYC in July which will put me in NYC twice within a year. Yes very cool but at this point not excited at all.

2) I am not motivated to do anything. Yesterday I actually managed to go fill out a job application. One. That probably only makes about 5 that I have managed to do. After filling out one, I camped out on the couch and watched 4 episodes of Gilmore Girls. And more TV after that. I can't even get up motivation to pay bills online. I have 3 due by Saturday.

3) Getting out of bed is hard and not just because I got a new-to-me pillowtop queen sized mattress recently. I just don't want another day to start.

Geesh. I could be in an antidepressant commercial.

This is so frustrating. I have to find a job but have no motivation to do so..don't even know what I want to look for. I need to figure out what I'm doing in general with my life and just have no idea where to even begin. I can't believe I'm in this position. I mean, I thought things were bleak and hopeless when I first moved out here but at least then I was just out of college and figured I had some time to figure things out. But now...I feel like I don't. I've been out of school for almost 4 years now and I'm no better off than I was then. My life is an absolute mess and there doesn't seem to be any hope to get it figured out anytime soon.

Why did everything have to happen like this? Why do I have to be one of those almost 30 years olds with no direction and no life? Why do I have to be on medicine and have people ask me if I've thought of offing myself? Why do I have to be one of those people who are so completely miserable with their life? Why is this my life? I hate it.

I am sitting here driving myself a little crazy. I want nothing more than to crawl back into bed and stay for as long as possible. Or I want to go away and never come back to Kansas.

First, I had to find a new job after Christmas. I did...I gave up a lower paying job for one taking care of an elderly couple that ended up not needing much help except to cook them dinner. I hate it. So I dropped down to 3 days a week there and took care of an elderly man in the mornings.

Then the elderly man got taken to a care home so I have to once again look for a job. Except I don't know what to try to do. Being a CNA doesn't pay me enough to live on especially having to pay student loans.

The worst thing is that I didn't get into the PA program. Again. And now I don't know what to do. I don't know if I want to try again. Even if I do, I need to figure out what to do until then. I am SO frustrated. That's an understatement...I am downright angry and depressed. I have no idea what I want to do now. I want to leave Wichita but the only place I want to go is, of course, New York. I can't decide if I want to try going to graduate school to get my Master's degree in Biology or do some other further medical training then try again for PA school. Or do something completely different. Completely. I always thought it would be cool to go to cosmetology school and there's a good one here. Or maybe I could try going back to get a degree in theater. Let's think of things I'm most interested in...that would be music, theater, movies, fashion, and beauty. Could I really do something related to that? Would I be able to be good enough to go do it in NYC?

See I'm driving myself nuts. I have no idea what to do. And now I have to go get ready to go "work" and be miserable for 8 hours.

I have to figure something out. And soon...

Well life has changed again. The last two weeks have been a bit of blur for me. I found out the day after Christmas (when still in IL) that the woman I have taken care of since April wasn't doing so well. . .dying, actually. I was shocked. I knew that with her condition (ALS) she could go fast but I didn't expect it to happen so soon. I thought she had a few more months left. She passed away last Monday morning. All her family was there; her daughter held her hand. I got back from IL and went straight to the house.
The last week, I have gone in to help the family clean and pack up stuff and attend the funeral. They were really nice to me...they let me go to the family only open-casket viewing and ride with them in the cars to the funeral and cemetery. It's still so weird that this has all happened now. And I'm sad I wasn't there.

Of course, now this means that I have no job. I hate the idea of working in a nursing home again; I have considered applying at hospice. I know it would be hard, but I feel like I'd like taking care of people in their last days. I feel like I need to do something in the medical field but nothing I could do pays enough so I may also end up waiting tables or something. Hopefully I'll only have to do that for about 5 months and then I'll start school. I've pretty much decided that if I don't get into the PA program then I'll just apply to the Biology master's program. I can't take another year of waiting. I am trying not to worry too much though. God's provision has always come through when it comes to jobs and I hope that will be the case again.